I have four people on my Facebook friends list who are deceased...three more and I get an Applebee's gift certificate.
Before anyone judges me for being insensitive, it profoundly saddens me, because I'd rather have a TGI Friday's gift card.
I can't really bring myself to delete deceased friends from social media because:
a) I don't maintain our pages
b) it just seems unnecessary to delete these people since they've already been ultimately deleted-- I'm a sensitive guy.
If you're looking for a fun way to do something more dangerous than meth, sign on to your social media accounts and then join me in converting to the Amish way of life in shunning the modern world...and being weird..sort of like the Unibomber...without actually sending bombs via the postal service.
Now that I, once again, have the attention of the National Security Agency, let's take a peek at actual social media brilliance...
As silly as they might be, witnessing social media meltdowns still amuses me. You know the ones I'm talking about...
Constance checked in at Taco Libre 8:30pm
Scott checked in at Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 8:40pm
Constance wrote: I'm not saying names but for some of u who don't like wat I'm gonna say, UNFRIEND me now. OMG I'm sooo tired of subjecting myself to those who are evil..."specially one at work. ugh.
Scott wrote: I love ppl who play victims when they screw everything that moves. #dirtyslutbucket
Constance wrote: Some ppl I know stay out getting drunk all nite. #whiskeydick
Scott wrote: Some ppl work late because they try to make enough money so others can throw $90 away on a fucking pasta canister at #Anthropologie.com
Constance wrote: OMFG..At least I’m not latently homosexual. #latentlyhomosexual
LOL
Scott wrote: SOME girls appreciate sensitive guys who write poems for girls.
The earth doesn’t revolve around some ppl...even though, if they keep eating the way they do, they'll be as big as a planet soon enough.
Constance wrote: Some guys can't keep it up. #Viagra
Scott wrote: Some girls need to take better personal care. #Vagisilisrightforyou
Constance wrote: I'm sooo sorry for ppl with small packages.
#Idon'tHaveAclever hashtagrightnowbut FuckyouScott
Scott wrote: Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed Constance!!!
Constance wrote: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
#Carlos
Scott wrote: Oh YEAH???? At least I’m not a little BITCH!!
Constance wrote: Yes you are.
#bitch
Scott wrote: Well, your best friend, Emily, from customer service, doesn't think so. ha!
Constance wrote: good luck with HPV
#luggage
Constance checked in Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 9:47pm
Scott checked in at Taco Libre 9:44pm
Scott wrote: u here?
Constance wrote:
no...I came to wild willies to talk.
#imissyou
Author note: We're one article away from 500. And, one article away from me being off until September. Thank you all for reading from whichever platform you catch this crap. Love you.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
"As Seen On TV"
Well, here we are, Easter passed and Jesus STILL didn't come back...ugh... carpenters.
In fairness, and to strengthen my parent's concern for my blasphemy, you truly don't know when independent contractors will EVER return.
In other letdowns, the Chinese space station crashed and didn't hit anything funny, like Effingham, Illinois, my neighbor or one of the Kardashians-- sadly depriving the world of a hilarious segment on "TMZ" or "YouTube."
When I'm not avoiding people, I do what every normal person does...I read the phone book to relax.
TV is a good diversion lately because I believe everything that I see on television, except for The Weather Channel, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, Sean Hannity, Al Roker, Showtime, A&E, QVC, Wicked Tuna, pay per view motel porn and, especially, Paula Dean.
After watching 70-days of news coverage for an upcoming project I also do not believe that Russia fixed our election...I feel strongly that the mystery of presidential election tampering was cast by some guy named Ted-- just a random guy who transferred dark feelings because of boredom, not politicism. So, he decided to fuck with things via his iPad-- over an order of loaded potato skins at the end of a TGI Fridays bar top in Muncie, Indiana-- Sometimes it's just that simple. Don't believe it? Sadly, it's amazing what triggers people...just watch the news.
On a brighter note, upon conclusion of my two and a half month TV binge-fest, I learned that (thankfully) Cialis is not right for me and I also feel reasonably certain that a reverse mortgage would not fit into my financial portfolio as that of a senior citizen who's economically forced to eat cat food. Now that I think about it, a reverse mortgage might be effective so long as William DeVane is somewhere nearby so that I might shake him down for his gold and silver after ultimately losing my house and forced to become a greeter at The Wal-Mart.
In summation, fuck Tom Selleck and his predatory lending commercials. While we're at it, fuck The General... AND Shaq too.
I'm a big fan of Fox News... primarily because it irritates everyone else. I'm kidding...I only watch Fox News channel because I'm a HUGE FAN of My Pillow.Com, 1-800 Empire and some catheter company, then I switch to the 400-thousand hour tru tv Impractical Jokers marathon.
To be serious, I only watch Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, C-SPAN and the woman's bedroom window across the street.
Speaking of a normal segment in my life, Alexa AND Siri sound hot but totally like condescending assholes (but) in their defense, I've been single for a while.
"Alexa how do I get to your house? I'll bring Siri and some vodka."
I really didn't learn much during my television binge/research and I continue to make questionable life decisions while holding little opinion about politics, pop culture or the folks who cover the topic...
I DO plan to enjoy baseball season and other things such as watching paint dry and it's a stress free life, which makes me smile.
By the way, the UPS guy just delivered the "My Pillow." "As seen on TV." zzzzzzzz!
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
In fairness, and to strengthen my parent's concern for my blasphemy, you truly don't know when independent contractors will EVER return.
In other letdowns, the Chinese space station crashed and didn't hit anything funny, like Effingham, Illinois, my neighbor or one of the Kardashians-- sadly depriving the world of a hilarious segment on "TMZ" or "YouTube."
When I'm not avoiding people, I do what every normal person does...I read the phone book to relax.
TV is a good diversion lately because I believe everything that I see on television, except for The Weather Channel, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, Sean Hannity, Al Roker, Showtime, A&E, QVC, Wicked Tuna, pay per view motel porn and, especially, Paula Dean.
After watching 70-days of news coverage for an upcoming project I also do not believe that Russia fixed our election...I feel strongly that the mystery of presidential election tampering was cast by some guy named Ted-- just a random guy who transferred dark feelings because of boredom, not politicism. So, he decided to fuck with things via his iPad-- over an order of loaded potato skins at the end of a TGI Fridays bar top in Muncie, Indiana-- Sometimes it's just that simple. Don't believe it? Sadly, it's amazing what triggers people...just watch the news.
On a brighter note, upon conclusion of my two and a half month TV binge-fest, I learned that (thankfully) Cialis is not right for me and I also feel reasonably certain that a reverse mortgage would not fit into my financial portfolio as that of a senior citizen who's economically forced to eat cat food. Now that I think about it, a reverse mortgage might be effective so long as William DeVane is somewhere nearby so that I might shake him down for his gold and silver after ultimately losing my house and forced to become a greeter at The Wal-Mart.
In summation, fuck Tom Selleck and his predatory lending commercials. While we're at it, fuck The General... AND Shaq too.
I'm a big fan of Fox News... primarily because it irritates everyone else. I'm kidding...I only watch Fox News channel because I'm a HUGE FAN of My Pillow.Com, 1-800 Empire and some catheter company, then I switch to the 400-thousand hour tru tv Impractical Jokers marathon.
To be serious, I only watch Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, C-SPAN and the woman's bedroom window across the street.
Speaking of a normal segment in my life, Alexa AND Siri sound hot but totally like condescending assholes (but) in their defense, I've been single for a while.
"Alexa how do I get to your house? I'll bring Siri and some vodka."
I really didn't learn much during my television binge/research and I continue to make questionable life decisions while holding little opinion about politics, pop culture or the folks who cover the topic...
I DO plan to enjoy baseball season and other things such as watching paint dry and it's a stress free life, which makes me smile.
By the way, the UPS guy just delivered the "My Pillow." "As seen on TV." zzzzzzzz!
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
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