Broken (Breaking) News

Toss the blood pressure meds and inhale The latest from Pontchartrain Press to allay your worries in a hyper-saturated news era...it may cause cancer.  Enjoy.

  I wish that I were computer savvy enough to hack into someone's social media account, not for nefarious reasons, I'd just do small things BUT I'd do it to unlikely targets-- such as, say, Betty White--Betty's Status Update: "My loins are moist." Feeling: Blessed

   I read that a Taiwanese hacker threatened to delete (Facebook founder) Mark Zuckerberg's account recently but then he cancelled his threat at the last minute.  This proves my long held understanding that no one,  NO ONE can easily delete a Facebook account.

FB Admin:

"Hey Mark, your friends are missing you, even though we have no qualitative info to back up this assertion.  We would, however, love for you to reactivate your account so that you might  resume shallow interactions (very similar to small talk with a stripper, until you stop tipping) Just click  here. CLICK IT or we will find you and destroy you and your family."

"Hey, Mark, it's been a week since we've seen you and 3.8 million of your friends just cooked something that literally looks like actual dogshit with  kale garnish and steamed broccoli...AND they posted a fucking  photo of it-- reactivate now stop missing the fun, Mark."

   Facebook even has a prompt to temporarily deactivate (once again) not offering an appropriate click-option:"This is only temporary, I'll be back."  Should read: I'll be back when I'm ready to stalk my ex online, thanks.

   It saddens me that not even ONE  international hacker gives a shit about Tom over at Myspace.  Tom's lucky anyway because he had a revolutionary vision for Facebook to buy Myspace and become home to several dozen Swedish Glam Metal bands.   Plus, web platforms-- and traditional news media-- have come under such immense scrutiny for a term which was barely uttered two years ago...Fake News.  Sigh.

Oxford defines "Fake News" as a tactic useful in describing virtually anything that is not right or does not mesh with one's own principles or acceptable views.  For me, this precisely describes the entire Olive Garden menu.

   Fake news accusations always seem to be associated with very serious topics or events steeped in partial truths:

    (Knoxville, TN.) Santa Claus actor whispers comforting words into dying child's ear.  Unbeknownst to the Santa actor, the child was contagious and they both are now in heaven.

    Having spent a significant amount of time in mainstream media, I wondered if it would be possible to insert fake news around any story-- perhaps stories about ordinary people and events.  Because I do not wish to anger Sean Hannity, we'll use only feel-good or A-political copy facts.

..

(Wilmington, NC.)  In rare move, Chick-fil-A opens on Sunday for folks in the  aftermath of hurricane...Except for "the queers."

   Okay, admittedly, that didn't turn out well because I'm operating without spellcheck and am uncertain as to whether or not I spelled Chick-fil-A correctly, so this might qualify as overt fake news.  Let's move on...

(Spokane, WA.)  Teen fires arrow at cougar, saving life of her younger brother.

Twelve year-old Amaya Fisher told Fox News (and I wish that I were making this up)  that she and her brother had  been out practicing elk calls on the evening of Septem…

Wait, WHAT the fuck???  I honestly can't do anything with this one.  Next story…

   I've always felt that newspaper copy editors miss the fun boat with word placement and structure.  You'd be amazed by the power of something as simple as a hyphen:

(Madison, WI.)  Boy rescued from drowning after firefighter spots his finger poking out of  a man-

(See, "manhole", B-7)

   And, one for the pet lovers...

(Lanai, Hawaii) Longing for the cat that you left at home on vacation?  Lanai`s open-air sanctuary is a happy haven for spayed and neutered cats. Situated on a large playground in paradise, there are over 600 kitties, all  available to take home for adoption!  (More details in a moment)  Now, this…

(Clay County, TN)  Tennessee county subject of a DEA investigation over allegations that 270 pain pills were dispensed to each of the county's residents.  Celina, TN. is a small Cumberland Plateau town with three churches, a few stores, a school, numerous lost Bonnaroo festival attendees and a robust chapter of the KKK.

   In reality, the evolution of hysteria in the media has been a long time coming in who best vies for your attention and it took a dramatic turn when photos overshadowed the printed word.  Who else wants to see a naked selfie with Abe Lincoln? 

   Forget the paper rolled up in the driveway, now the creepy call is coming from within the house.  We're deluged with reports of terrible events, neatly crammed in a 28 second glossy package that I like to call "Balls of Hysteria" before tossing it back to wacky Stu with a quick look at that weekend forecast. 

Balls of Hysteria, by the way, would make an excellent title for an action/adventure pornographic video.

(Dade County, FL)   Man punches out of control sex robot.

(Palm Beach, FL) Woman arrested for trying to sell daughter at Walmart.

  The savings NEVER end at the Walmart, and you can always count on Florida to make us feel better about ourselves.  I almost forgot…

Update:  DUBUQUE, IOWA (FEB. 22)--  Temps expected to dip into minus territory ahead of massive blizzard.  In other news: Cat adopted from Hawaiian paradise now calls Dubuque home.  Wonders:  "What the fuck did I do wrong???"

copyright, Pontchartrain Press, 2018.  all rights reserved.

Summer (Insert feel-good dumb subtitle here)

Because I'm an avid people person, I greatly love visiting with people. None of that is true.   I strongly feel that leaving the house should involve fun things such as:

my laptop
earbuds
any form of nudity
a cocktail or two
an empty table
two drunks fighting over something stupid and...

Netflix

Elsewhere in the summer downtime-- without provocation or express written consent, I've, somehow, inherited a lost or abandoned kitty. Given her abandoned/lost plight, I did the humane thing...I immediately had her euthanized.

In reality, she's now joined me on a blessed life path which involves a lot of crying.

   I'm really not anti social, I simply don't find any level of fun in spending discretionary time sitting at a table watching a handful of my friends texting, between snapping pics of their food while remotely "checking in", binge watching Better Call Saul or searching Wikipedia to investigate things which no one would normally research-- I.e Fox & Friends fan page or "Inventors Killed By Their Own Inventions." Ironic.

   As an added bonus, a couple of my friends, who are also neighbors also happen to be senior citizens-- this always affords a bizarre high speed car chase experience in that I gain valuable insights into precisely everything that is wrong with my life and how it's my fault. Added bonus, I receive a lot of banana bread while becoming an expert at Wheel of Fortune AND I'm now astutely aware of everything that's humanly possible to know about the weather forecast, dewpoint, tropical disturbances, humidity and Realfeel© temp for any given minute of each and every stupid minute of my life.

   I spent some time with my friends at the younger end of the spectrum where I learned more than required about Premier League soccer yet very little about what type of employer allows for all 27 year-olds to get drunk and not be at work at virtually any time of every single day during soccer season-- According to my senior friends, it's because soccer fans are communists-- I hold no opinion. Nonetheless, I'm proud that the younger generation of my friends leave a legacy of: 

-- inventing sex dolls
-- solving complex climate problems
-- doing funny things such as drinking Fireball
-- an inordinate level of nut allergies
-- inventing robotic machines, formerly sex dolls (which I believe will eventually bring about our brutal extinction)

...and they can recite every wacky moment of Good Mythical Morning with Rhett & Link."

Speaking of "Will It Waffle?" out of curiosity, I challenged myself to, nutritiously, feed myself on $13 per week for a month. Unlike Gwyneth Paltrow, I lasted more than three days...with funds STILL left over for sweet tarts. And, for some reason, I watched Lethal Weapon 4.

To answer the question from my friend, Amanda Port: "...what was the highlight of this summer?"
Absolutely nothing. But, I suppose I learned how to answer that question if nothing else.
I enjoyed moments of accidental fun since May by noticing simple stuff... such as watching my cat lick her ass and then stare at me indignantly for a minute and a half before going back to licking her ass again...which I feel strongly would make for an excellent YouTube Live stream.

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. all rights reserved.

Fall Is In The Air...for $12.99

I have a close friend who is well accomplished in many areas, all of which interest me in no way whatsoever. He does, however, offer sage advice periodically and recently offered this scad of positivity:

"...Jim, make time to enjoy the change of seasons."

I agree, except where transition between spring and summer occurs in New Orleans. 

   

   For those who are unfamiliar, spring lasts exactly 17 days in New Orleans, regardless of the calendar. One day it's sunny and 74 and on day 18 the city takes on attributes not unlike my vision of Hell. Surface temperature as that of the bright side of Venus, with 2,000% humidity, hovering idiots trying to bum a cigarette and a nonstop loop of cable news.

Be that as it may, I am keeping eyes wide open for the summer to fall transition and I think that I speak for everyone when I express great excitement that CrabFest is BACK at Red Lobster, placing a thrifty yet tasty punctuation mark on summers end each year.

Obviously, with a slogan such as:

"...an endless array of crab dishes from which to choose..."

We all now fully realize that there's, literally, a dozen ways to utterly fuck up a crab entrée.

I'm in no way a food snob by the way; I actually like every single restaurant on the planet, except for Red Lobster.

 

   God rest her soul, but, my mom really enjoyed the Red Lobster and when I'd visit, occasionally she'd drag me to the home of the 39 minute wait to be seated where we rediscover how badly I've angered God in some way.
Without hesitation, I'd eagerly exclaim:

"...great, I'll get my coat; I already can't decide what to order. I wonder what's fresh off the boat at the bustling seaport of Nashville, Tennessee? Let's hurry."

Mom appreciated my sarcastic humor-- I think it primarily had something to do with her knowledge that it didn't come from her-- since I was adopted at birth. I assume that she was aware that I was adopted since she's the one who told me early on.
As I recall I enjoyed the cheese biscuits and the exit door at Red Lobster.

   Nonetheless, I plan to take my friend's advice and have already begun basking in the air of an autumn to come on a strange new planet...from the west coast, where this morning I was the only person bundled in a coat because it was 56 degrees. So much for blending in I suppose.

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. all rights reserved.

Snap, Crackle, POP-Up

And now, fun with pop-up ads and algorithms...

I sometimes wonder how people survived back in the day and age without simple things like running water, pornhub, electricity, clinically insane political spectacles, The Real Housewives and...net algorithms. 

While I'm a big fan of running water, online algorithms theoretically serve as a friendly netting to keep undesirables out of your life, except for an ex showing up at your door at 3am...or Mark Zuckerberg.

   While simple times of long ago might not have been cushy, I believe Ye Olde School human algorithms worked pretty well, no internet needed:

Bill: (drunkenly slurring) "Hey, Fred, you s.o.b., we're gonna settle this shit right n..."

Fred: "Get the fuck away from me Bill or I will kill you and make your family watch."

Fred's home grown algorithm in action; a fun separation of bad from good. 

   In our grandparents' day human algorithm even worked for job interviews.

Ex:

Today's interview:
"...A co-worker asks you to clock in for them because their support koala bear took a shit in the Prius and they're running late. You..."
a) steep a cup of chai
b) clock the co-worker in
c) go to a quiet, gluten-free place
d) identify as a conscientious objector to powdered creamer in the break room...and the international monetary fund.

Interview from yesteryear:
Employer: "Are you drunk right now?"

Prospective employee: Nope.

Employer: "You're hired."

Which leads me to how web algorithms recently failed me via an unwanted pop-up ad as I Googled:
"Do hyenas laugh, even when they're being killed?"

Pop-up advertisement:
"Are YOU 6-feet Tall? Women want more tall, handsome men on our site. Join DateTallMen.com today to reach women near you!"

User: JIM has logged on--
I am not, in fact, 6-feet tall but I capitalized my name for stature. I never knew that 6-feet tall people were in such demand but now it makes perfect sense as to why many professional athletes are involved in troubling sexual scandals. Well, except for horse jockeys.

According to your website, altitude is, apparently, sexy! I’m 5’ 11’' and I do what most people who have failed at the 6-foot mark do-- spend a lot of time crying. I DO wear a size 11.5 shoe and, well, you know what they say about that...they say “Man, you have pretty stupid looking feet.”

Would you place me on your email list so that I might be reminded of my inadequacies or when you construct a companion website titled “Date 5’ 11’’men.com? At that point I will promptly place my profile on the site for the ladies who enjoy men of average height with big clown feet. 

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. all rights reserved.

OktoberFestivus

I read a thoughtful article today headlined:

"Female Oktoberfest
Tourists Slammed For

Porno Dresses."

WHAT? Yep. 

   
   A band of German traditionalists seem to have misplaced indignation over the fact that Mercedes automobiles are being assembled in Alabama and have aimed their precision engineering discontent toward the low-cut design of the dirndl and the women who wear them. A dirndl is the traditional dress worn during Oktoberfest...and, on occasion, by confused gentlemen lounging around the house.

   It never occurred to me that the Germans would dangle a moral barometer into the arena of "porno" labels, considering that their brand of porn involves being tied up while beaten senseless with a roll of sheet metal in a film titled:

"Mein linker Hoden schmerzt für entsetzliche Bestrafung"
*loosely translated: "My left testicle aches for horrifying punishment."

Have you ever SEEN German porn?? I have... thanks to a couple of friends who engage in questionable web activity and do not seem to be on the same page as that of the teachings of Jesus Christ.

An adventurous segment of Germany's sex subculture die each year, sadly knocking Florida off this prestigious list.

   Franz Thalhammer, 70, former chairman of a Munich festival group, called out Australian and Italian tourists specifically for sexualizing the festival dress, adding:
"It's as if I'd walk around half-naked and say HEY, I'm Australian!!!”

First of all, Franz, Australians would be flattered by that. You have to think outside the thunderbox to offend the Aussies, perhaps by screaming in agony while wearing a scuba suit with a giant rubber stingray suctioned to your back. (Shout out to Steve Irwin!! Too soon?)
   A man in Hamburg was recently discovered after chasing the perfect solo orgasm went badly. He covered himself with sliced cheese, pantyhose wrapped around his upper body, wearing a raincoat and a diving suit. He then sat down with a plastic bag over his head in front of a heater that was switched on.
I have many, many questions.

   Back to the Dirndl... Oktoberfest purist, Gerhard Muller, simply claims that the low cut dresses are tarnishing German history. No offense Gerhard, but I believe there are a couple of historic items in the German public relations filing cabinet worse than a dress with a push-up bra.

Since I'm not interested in being involved in a porno experience which involves a funeral plan, I say-- ladies raise a stein and sport the dirndl with pride. 

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2018. all rights reserved.

#ridiculousness

I have four people on my Facebook friends list who are deceased...three more and I get an Applebee's gift certificate.
   Before anyone judges me for being insensitive, it profoundly saddens me, because I'd rather have a TGI Friday's gift card.
   I can't really bring myself to delete deceased friends from social media because:
a) I don't maintain our pages
b) it just seems unnecessary to delete these people since they've already been ultimately deleted-- I'm a sensitive guy.
    If you're looking for a fun way to do something more dangerous than meth, sign on to your social media accounts and then join me in converting to the Amish way of life in shunning the modern world...and being weird..sort of like the Unibomber...without actually sending bombs via the postal service.
   Now that I, once again, have the attention of the National Security Agency, let's take a peek at actual social media brilliance...

As silly as they might be, witnessing social media meltdowns still amuses me. You know the ones I'm talking about...

Constance checked in at Taco Libre 8:30pm

Scott checked in at Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 8:40pm

Constance wrote: I'm not saying names but for some of u who don't like wat I'm gonna say, UNFRIEND me now.  OMG I'm sooo tired of subjecting myself to those who are evil..."specially one at work. ugh.

Scott wrote: I love ppl who play victims when they screw everything that moves. #dirtyslutbucket

Constance wrote: Some ppl I know stay out getting drunk all nite. #whiskeydick

Scott wrote: Some ppl work late because they try to make enough money so others can throw $90 away on a fucking pasta canister at #Anthropologie.com

Constance wrote: OMFG..At least I’m not latently homosexual.  #latentlyhomosexual
LOL

Scott wrote: SOME girls appreciate sensitive guys who write poems for girls.
The earth doesn’t revolve around some ppl...even though, if they keep eating the way they do, they'll be as big as a planet soon enough.

Constance wrote: Some guys can't keep it up. #Viagra

Scott wrote: Some girls need to take better personal care. #Vagisilisrightforyou

Constance wrote: I'm sooo sorry for ppl with small packages.
#Idon'tHaveAclever hashtagrightnowbut FuckyouScott

Scott wrote: Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed Constance!!!

Constance wrote: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
#Carlos

Scott wrote: Oh YEAH????  At least I’m not a little BITCH!!

Constance wrote: Yes you are.
#bitch

Scott wrote: Well, your best friend, Emily, from customer service, doesn't think so. ha!

Constance wrote: good luck with HPV
#luggage

Constance checked in  Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 9:47pm

Scott checked in at Taco Libre 9:44pm

Scott wrote: u here?

Constance wrote:
no...I came to wild willies to talk.
#imissyou

Author note: We're one article away from 500. And, one article away from me being off until September. Thank you all for reading from whichever platform you catch this crap. Love you.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

"As Seen On TV"

Well, here we are, Easter passed and Jesus STILL didn't come back...ugh... carpenters.
   In fairness, and to strengthen my parent's concern for my blasphemy, you truly don't know when independent contractors will EVER return.
   In other letdowns, the Chinese space station crashed and didn't hit anything funny, like Effingham, Illinois, my neighbor or one of the Kardashians-- sadly depriving the world of a hilarious segment on "TMZ" or "YouTube."
   When I'm not avoiding people, I do what every normal person does...I read the phone book to relax.
   TV is a good diversion lately because I believe everything that I see on television, except for The Weather Channel, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, Sean Hannity, Al Roker, Showtime, A&E, QVC, Wicked Tuna, pay per view motel porn and, especially, Paula Dean.
    After watching 70-days of news coverage for an upcoming project I also do not believe that Russia fixed our election...I feel strongly that the mystery of presidential election tampering was cast by some guy named Ted-- just a random guy who transferred dark feelings because of boredom, not politicism. So, he decided to fuck with things via his iPad-- over an order of loaded potato skins at the end of a TGI Fridays bar top in Muncie, Indiana-- Sometimes it's just that simple.  Don't believe it? Sadly, it's amazing what triggers people...just watch the news.
   On a brighter note, upon conclusion of my two and a half month TV binge-fest, I learned that (thankfully) Cialis is not right for me and I also feel reasonably certain that a reverse mortgage would not fit into my financial portfolio as that of a senior citizen who's economically forced to eat cat food. Now that I think about it, a reverse mortgage might be effective so long as William DeVane is somewhere nearby so that I might shake him down for his gold and silver after ultimately losing my house and forced to become a greeter at The Wal-Mart.
   In summation, fuck Tom Selleck and his predatory lending commercials.  While we're at it, fuck The General... AND Shaq too.
    I'm a big fan of Fox News... primarily because it irritates everyone else.  I'm kidding...I only watch Fox News channel because I'm a HUGE FAN of My Pillow.Com, 1-800 Empire and some catheter company, then I switch to the 400-thousand hour tru tv Impractical Jokers marathon.
    To be serious, I only watch Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, C-SPAN and the woman's bedroom window across the street.
    Speaking of a normal segment in my life, Alexa AND Siri sound hot but totally like condescending assholes (but) in their defense, I've been single for a while.

"Alexa how do I get to your house? I'll bring Siri and some vodka."
   I really didn't learn much during my television binge/research and I continue to make questionable life decisions while holding little opinion about politics, pop culture or the folks who cover the topic...
    I DO plan to enjoy baseball season and other things such as watching paint dry and it's a stress free life, which makes me smile.
    By the way, the UPS guy just delivered the "My Pillow."  "As seen on TV." zzzzzzzz!

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.