Another Year In The Can...

I rarely write about New Orleans in general. But, with the assault of sappy year-end retrospectives, I couldn't resist. I'm hoping that Anderson Cooper or Carson Daily might host the TV version. Here's a glance at 2015...
    In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
    February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
    The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again.  We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence.  He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo.  (Murder rate hits 45)
    April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven.  Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton.  (Murder rate hits 57)
    May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single.  The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday).  Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo.  (Murder rate hits 73)
    June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted.  Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts.  Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies.  (Murder rate hits 92)
    Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans.  Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi.  A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
    The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.)  Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa.  New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest.  (Murder rate hits 120)
    September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy.   In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension.  The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas.  (Murder rate climbs to 131)
    Tricks for treats...it's October!  Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen.  Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette.  Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge.  (Murder rate hits 146)
    November leftovers anyone?  Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders.  Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.  
    HoHoHO!  According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids.  Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins.  Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown.  (Murder rate hits 164)

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015 All Rights Reserved

Wikipediatrics

I received a link today from an extremely alert reader (pronounced: stalker) regarding an online business profile on our company.  Our legal machine, Wes Hohenstein, asked if we needed his assistance.  Opting for a much more disastrous approach, we decided to pass on Wes' $5-thousand dollar per minute fees and agreed that I personally dispatch an e-mail:  Here we go...
    "Categorized as publishing/media. Pontchartrain Press, Dba "Cockmonster Under My Bed"

Established/inc. 2009, New Orleans, La, Nashville, Tn.  Registered: Santa Monica, Ca, New York, Ny, Dallas, Tx, Butternut, Wi.

Principles: approximately 2
Employees: approximately 7
Annual Revenue: approximately
    $xxx,xxx     (HAHAHAHA)          

From: Jim Patrick, Pontchartrain Press
    Greetings from the South Pole, My indicated locale is about as accurate as the data compiled on our company by your associates who, clearly, work for Wikipedia.
    I once used Wikipedia for biographical on a story subject but could only decipher that she was born sometime between 1972-1990, born in Dubuque and was, in fact, deceased...which was news to her when I informed her of the tragic information that she's from Dubuque.  
    You, commendably, managed to get a few items correct.  However, much like the carnival "pop the balloon dart game" you flatly would be going home with concession stand food poisoning or a staph infection rather than the life-size stuffed animal.
    The number of "principles" was correct in noting "approximately two."  Between myself and managing editor, Mike Klein, sadly, Mike is indeed half of a man as he has only ONE testicle, directly attributed to a bizarre wheelbarrow handle to the nuts while chasing his sister when he was age 10.
   This, likely, explains a lot about Mike's general self esteem.

   The approximate number of employees is somewhat correct but might change soon as we're unable to locate Amanda since her weekend trip to North Carolina with the 12th hipster that she's dated in five years.  As she continues to make stellar life decisions, we're keeping a hopeful vigil that she wasn't involved in a shark attack, mountain accident or a hate crime.  (North Carolina is a diverse, geopolitical state)

   My money on the "Amanda Dead Pool" btw is that, unlike previous boyfriends, her new guy finally figured out how to murder her and get away with it.  
    Since we all have her number on "call block" we just don't know.  Then again, I'm pretty sure iPhones don't work in North Carolina anyway.
   As for estimated revenue, somebody has some serious explaining to do to our staff...except for Amanda of course.

Regards,
James Patrick

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015
All Rights Reserved

Sweet Sixteen

A rarity where I respond to anyone under 18 so as not to anger their parents, or Tipper Gore.  This is a situation that any number of my colleagues would refer to as a recipe for disaster.  This young woman is gonna be a writing star...

TO: Jim Patrick
From: Linz, Nashville, TN.
I'm 16 and really enjoy the stuff you write for the local blog scene here...it only appears once per month.  Why??  You're FROM HERE.

I hope to be a writer eventually and notice that you include silly stuff about your family and friends a lot. My family and friends are crazy funny, stupid but I wonder how I can write about them and not make them mad at me.

I figure no one will pay attention to my writing till I'm older anyway. When did you begin writing and did people take you seriously?

From: Jim Patrick Pontchartrain Press
Dear Linz,

Once per month??  It's supposed to appear twice per month- someone's getting fired for this!  Unfortunately it'll be me.

I seem to have moderate allergies to deadline oriented writing assignments, according to Mike Klein, the editor.

On another note, I also have allergies to cats, which led to an eventual breakup between me and my Ex. She, likely, holds an entirely different opinion on this topic.

Let's get to the most important aspect of your e-mail-  Aren't there ANY sort of parental filtering systems on your computer? WHY would your parents allow you to hit that Nashville publication?

I'm happy that you did though and that you've enjoyed them- They probably won't scar you or anything...not too much.

If your parents take issue, no worries.  I'm perfectly accustomed to angering a young woman's parents- another topic where I believe my Ex might provide a treasure trove of information.

To answer your remaining questions: I don't have a clue.

Actually I'm not certain that anyone takes ME seriously to this day and I'm not 16.  But, life can be more fun that way Linz; It's less stressful quite honestly.

Don't be discouraged or doubt yourself because of your age, ever-  simply write what you feel whether or not someone will like it or not.  There'll always be someone who doesn't like another person's art.  I'm looking in the general direction of Nickelback.

When someone shoots your stuff down, deal with it bravely as I do...cry uncontrollably in the corner of a locked room and stage a hunger strike.  (both for people not liking your writing AND for the fact that Nickelback is still making music).

I happen to take you seriously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing back I suppose.

You're fortunate to have friends and family who are "crazy, funny, stupid."- get ready to create an arsenal of pseudonyms unless you're ready to be uninvited, unfriended and sit alone a lot.

I don't have this particular problem as my friends are crazy, stupid, funny...and usually drunk.

Note: Don't drink, smoke or watch the Real Housewives.  Make healthful eating choices, stay in school...oh, and always wear your seatbelt.  Also, stay away from boys until you're age 30.  

Pass along the following message to your dad for me...

"You're welcome."  

(He'll know what I mean.)

I would've attached some draft writings but I'd like to not end up on a neighborhood watch bulletin.

The truth is, I believe that most people have some form of talent and all people have dreams.  Sadly, so many don't take that first step.  But, you did.  Never stop doing that.  Keep at it...then watch what happens.

It may or may not be important to note: I am not a role model for young people, at least that's what I've been told.  But, I truly thank you for your email.

Regards,
Jim

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015

Author note: Since she sent this email, Linz recently won accolades in a Nashville area school essay competition.  Congrats!

The Family Tree Fell In The Forest

I learned from Geneology.com that I most certainly must have been drunk for visiting Genealogy.com.

I also learned that, in ancient times, many marriages were by capture, not choice - due  scarcity of nubile women, men raided other villages for wives.

This sounds like Braveheart mixed with Monday Night Football meets The Bachelor and a snuff film. Tru TV,  please add this program to your lineup!

Frequently the tribe from which a warrior stole a bride would come looking for her, fill out some paperwork I suppose and then it was necessary for these wacky kids to go into hiding to avoid being discovered; Sort of like weapons of mass destruction.

Sounds romantic.

I don't date as I enjoy a sane existence without crazy people but, if I did date, I simply like to go  for dinner, enjoy a nice stroll, maybe a concert and, perhaps, a few drinks- It never occurred to me to resurrect a tradition of tribal warfare on the first date.  I save that for the third date.

According to an old French custom, (and we all know what the French are famous for... obnoxiousness.)

The country of cheese, chain smoking, infidelity and wine asserted that as the moon went through all phases, a new couple must drink a brew called Metheglin (This sounds too close to Meth, which is Sooo Central Florida for my comfort level).

It's a concoction made from honey. Hence, we get the word honeymoon. Also known as it's all downhill from here.

I suspect that I would have been hanged, drawn, quartered and/or burned at the stake during this era.

Again, on MY rare occasion for a date and not necessarily in this order: We eat, have a few drinks, maybe film a pornographic video and I'll open doors for her.

I remember once, in my wilder days, I went on a date and at the end of the evening we happened across a mutual friend.

The three of us chatted for a bit (by chatted, I mean we had five shots of Tequila) and, before sunrise, we found ourselves on a plane,  400-miles away, at the beach in Boca Raton.

Yes, I realize that this sounds like a creepy plotline for a pornographic film.

Perhaps my favorite “date” visual comes from a friend of mine, Leigh. She informed that she once went on a double date and tooled around town in an MG- Even better, they went to a festival in Lower Manhattan and won “The Big Banana.”  Four people in a two-seater with a stuffed, 6-foot banana. I’m not certain what role the banana may or may not have played later in the evening and I didn’t ask.

There are some experiences that one can't receive from e-Harmony.

Even though my expeditions do not involve tribal kidnapping, nor the “Big Banana”- enjoying another’s company, whether it be over dinner, drinks, a multi state killing spree, etc.  I require no formal event title. It can be with a friend or it can be with someone with whom you would greatly like to see naked; No pressures or stigmas attached.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015

Dear Jim...not again!

Dear Jim, after consulting my list of Facebook friends, I decided that you were uniquely qualified to answer a question that has been foremost on my mind and I fear I will not sleep until I get a satisfactory answer.

Is it possible for every car insurance company to have the lowest rates? Thank you in advance for your help.

Best regards, your friend,
Chuck

Dear Charlie,
First of all, allow me to dispel any over-confidence that I'm qualified to do anything above and beyond showering and dressing myself.

I'm equally shaky about consulting a Facebook friends list in search of any solid information  beyond learning that a friend's 2yr old just shit on the kitchen table or...
Viewing a tasty entree which is becoming ice cold as  Facebook friend is conducting a professional photo shoot in order to brag about some stupid dinner recipe they found on a Martha Stewart blog in order to cause the rest of us to feel inadequate about our miserable lot in life as we cram a box of Kraft Mac and cheese down our face while contemplating suicide.

You'll also see stupid pics of some vacation full of friends who never call, updated status from a friend whose grandpa also just shit on the kitchen table and a random blurb that  "Jenny is now in her 7-thousandth relationship" confirming what we're all thinking...that she is a whore. But,  according to her post, she is soooo happy.

That said, unfortunately, Pontchartrain Press adheres to strict "no endorsement" media values for objectivity appearances.

I greatly appreciate your email but I must retrieve my Tombstone Pizza from the oven. I plan to enjoy it with a frosty Amstel Light while watching an episode of The Blacklist, starring James Spader as part of NBCs Must See Thursday- 9/8central. If there's time, I might enjoy 8 essential vitamins and minerals via a bowl of Lucky Charms.

By the way, I DID save 15 percent or more in 15 minutes prior to reading your email.

Regards,
Jim Patrick
Pontchartrain Press

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015

Sext, Drugs And...fail

Sexting is quite the phone phenomenon. I went out with a girl, Alicia, for a short while who loved to engage in the occasional "sext" message.  I don’t think I’m very good at it actually.

One day my phone beeped and, out of the blue, there it was…a very suggestive picture from Alicia with the following caption:

“And what are YOU wearing? LOL!”

Jim Patrick:

A pair of jeans, a white tee-shirt, a belt, boxer shorts, Doc Martins and a Red Sox cap.

Alicia:

LOL! Uh, I wasn’t being literal. Did you like the pic?

Jim Patrick:

I did indeed. Can I show it to Jeff?

Alicia:

Um, NO!  So…do U have a pic to send? xoxo

Jim Patrick:

Sure…


Alicia:LoL! Who IS that???  I meant, do you have something a little more "R" Rated to send?

Jim Patrick:Oh…sorry, how bout this?

Alicia:Um…I meant more like explicit in HUMAN nature...Lol!

Jim Patrick:

Alicia:

Uh, how about we go with something a bit more daring.  Something you wouldn't just show to everyone.

Jim Patrick:

Alicia:

HAHA! Very daring…but I’m thinking more like a REAL human pic.  Something dirty. :)

Jim Patrick:

Alicia:

How about one of YOU??  Something suggestive...with YOU in it.

Jim Patrick:
Oh, now I understand...How about this?

Alicia:WTF??

Jim Patrick:

It is suggestive in that the photo “suggests” that I am about to do harm to this defenseless little kitty cat.

Alicia:

How bout we skip the pics for now and, since you’re a writer, why don’t you just write something sexy.  Cute cat btw.

Jim Patrick:

Ok, here goes... I would never, of course, do harm to a kitty cat. I love kitty cats…I enjoy petting them, loving them and kissing them.  I especially love having a kitty cat straddling my lap, by the fireplace on a chilly evening, on the sofa, on the floor, on the staircase...anyplace actually.  As kitties go, sometimes they jump off my lap after they feel that they need a break, but they always come back...sometimes three of four times.  Which is fine with me...because I am always up for accommodating the kitty cat several times per day if necessary.

Alicia:

Huh??

Jim Patrick:

That was euphemism sex-talk. Pretty good huh?  Now I'm really worked UP!  How bout U?

I don't hear from Alicia anymore...I suppose she's a dog lover.

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015

UN-Social Networking

As silly as they might be, witnessing social media meltdowns still amuse me. You know the ones I'm talking about...

Constance checked in at Taco Libre 8:30pm

Scott checked in at Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 8:40pm

Constance wrote: I'm not saying names but for some of u who don't like wat I'm gonna say, UNFRIEND me now.  OMG I'm sooo tired of subjecting myself to those who are evil...specially one at work. ugh.

Scott wrote: I love ppl who play victims when they screw everything that moves. #dirtyslutbucket

Constance wrote: Some ppl I know stay out getting drunk all nite.

Scott wrote: Some ppl work late because they try to make enough money so others can throw $90 away on a fucking pasta canister at Anthropologie.com

Constance wrote: At least I’m not latently homosexual. whew! LOL

Scott wrote: SOME girls appreciate sensitive guys who write poems for girls.
The earth doesn’t revolve around some ppl...even though, if they keep eating the way they do, they'll be as big as a planet soon enough.

Constance wrote: Some guys can't keep it up.

Scott wrote: Some girls need to take better personal care. #Vagisilisrightforyou

Constance wrote: I'm sooo sorry for ppl with small packages. LOL

Scott wrote: Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed Constance!!!

Constance wrote: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.

Scott wrote: Oh YEAH????  At least I’m not a little BITCH!!

Girl: Yes you are.

Scott wrote: Well, your best friend, Lucy from customer service, doesn't think so. ha!

Constance checked in  Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 9:45pm

Scott checked in at Taco Libre 9:40pm

I’m reasonably certain that office breakups surely violates some sort of OSHA safety guideline.

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015