Awaiting the final edited column copy to be okayed by Mike Klein, Editor in Queef...In the meantime, reader mail:
From Charlie Kelly, New Orleans
Dear Jim,
I've noticed that almost no one gives the return "head nod" greeting when I pass them on the street. What's up with that?
From Jim Patrick
Judging by the abundance of personal injury attorney television commercials in New Orleans I can only speculate that everyone has life threatening neck injuries due to being hit by, what seems to be, a rash of big rig accidents.
I personally conducted a highly scientific study by strolling through the French Quarter and found your concerns well merited. Even though I was highly intoxicated and, somehow, ended up holding a partially consumed gyro and some drunk woman by the end of my research stroll, only three of ten people returned the subtle "nod" salutation.
I called one of the 300 attorneys from the TV ads to substantiate our concern but they were unable to be reached due to an apparent heavy Mesothelioma and Xarelto caseload.
I'll continue research on your behalf AND pledge to teach golf legend, Arnold Palmer, how to correctly pronounce Xarelto.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
Jesus Loves Samuel Jackson
Time to cleanse the dirty sins with some help from my newfound (on-line) evangelical friends. Here's my (quiet) entry to the chatroom...
User: Jim Patrick has logged in: Who wants to see a Dick pic?
Kimmi: What???
Jim: My dad's best friend, Dick (and, I'm not making his name up) Weisihinkle. We took him for early dinner to Golden Corral. He's old and, clearly, doesn't place any level of priority on food quality so long as it's served by 4pm.
Kimmi: LOL.
Matt Moderator: Is this for real?
Jim: Yep, Golden Corral is, oddly, real, according to Jeff Foxworthy.
So is Dick-- he looks like a storybook character now that I think about it. I believe that the proper German pronunciation of "W" in Weisihinkle is phonetically with a "V" If it were me I'd just pronounce it Jones. I included Dick in the first book I ever wrote.
Kimmi: About what?
Jim: Applied Mathematics-- it's a southern home cooking recipe book.
Jared28: Lol...I'd like a copy.
Jim: Sure thing Jared28. May I call you 28? I'm lazy and don't feel like lobbing a stale Subway/pedophile joke toward you.
Jared28: 28 is cool.
Jim: Since we all seem to be losing at life on a perfectly good Friday night while most people are engaged in normal activities such as drinking, smoking, using drugs, fornicating and general fun stuff, I'm on the Jesus chat room.
Matt Moderator: I wouldn't say most ppl.
Jim: You're correct, just the four of us; I'd be one of the fun majority if it weren't for this pesky head cold...except for the drug use. I don't want to anger Nancy Reagan.
Kimmi: Why are YOU here on a Friday night?
Jim: I'm assisting a young neighbor/friend with a paper and I figured an evangelical site might be of value in my research.
Matt Moderator: On what?
Jim: Connotations/evolution of English language dirty words vs Christian belief regarding their sinful designation.
Jared28: Which words?
Jim: I'll be as delicate as possible, specifically: fuck, cock, shit, cockhead, tittie, motherfucker, douche canoe, shitbag, cunt, tittie monster and, my personal favorite, eat a bowl of shit, you douche canoe cockhead tittie monster cock mother fucking fuck. Sorry for not appropriately using hyphens. I also avoided using the C word twice because it generally causes women to hate me much more than they already do.
Kimmi: uh...
Matt Moderator: What is your neighbor majoring in???
Jim: By all evidence, sleeping and drinking Diet Coke. She's in the 6th grade.
Jared28: WHAT???
Matt Moderator: Read the book of Ephesians.
Jim: The Bible scares me-- I'm a militant conservationist and often ponder how Noah returned polar bears back from central Turkey to the North Pole, etc. That book of the bible seems incomplete-- much like the conclusion of each episode of The Blacklist.
Kimmi: Yur crazy, but that made me laugh. The only thing mentioned in the bible is taking God's name in vain..that's a sin.
Jim: As I recall, Kimmi, my dad often violated the third commandment as it relates to my inexperience in properly holding a flashlight.
Jared28: any curse or negative voice toward man is sinful.
Jim Patrick: Samuel Jackson is definitely screwed. The words I listed are all man made.
Matt Moderator: And God created man.
Jim Patrick: And man created the 72" plasma display television; perhaps if man does more good, (and, trust me, 72" tv's are great) it evens out or am I missing something here?
Kimmi: I think as long as you don't use those words in a hateful way it's all good.
Jim Patrick: Then I'm safe, I just use them recreationally. Whew.
Jared28: We'll find out when Jesus returns.
Jim: When?
Matt Moderator: Amen Jared. And no one knows when.
Jim: I believe that's because he was a carpenter...an independent contractor. No one EVER knows when contractors will return.
Kimmi: HA
Jim: I think you meant HAllelujah.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
User: Jim Patrick has logged in: Who wants to see a Dick pic?
Kimmi: What???
Jim: My dad's best friend, Dick (and, I'm not making his name up) Weisihinkle. We took him for early dinner to Golden Corral. He's old and, clearly, doesn't place any level of priority on food quality so long as it's served by 4pm.
Kimmi: LOL.
Matt Moderator: Is this for real?
Jim: Yep, Golden Corral is, oddly, real, according to Jeff Foxworthy.
So is Dick-- he looks like a storybook character now that I think about it. I believe that the proper German pronunciation of "W" in Weisihinkle is phonetically with a "V" If it were me I'd just pronounce it Jones. I included Dick in the first book I ever wrote.
Kimmi: About what?
Jim: Applied Mathematics-- it's a southern home cooking recipe book.
Jared28: Lol...I'd like a copy.
Jim: Sure thing Jared28. May I call you 28? I'm lazy and don't feel like lobbing a stale Subway/pedophile joke toward you.
Jared28: 28 is cool.
Jim: Since we all seem to be losing at life on a perfectly good Friday night while most people are engaged in normal activities such as drinking, smoking, using drugs, fornicating and general fun stuff, I'm on the Jesus chat room.
Matt Moderator: I wouldn't say most ppl.
Jim: You're correct, just the four of us; I'd be one of the fun majority if it weren't for this pesky head cold...except for the drug use. I don't want to anger Nancy Reagan.
Kimmi: Why are YOU here on a Friday night?
Jim: I'm assisting a young neighbor/friend with a paper and I figured an evangelical site might be of value in my research.
Matt Moderator: On what?
Jim: Connotations/evolution of English language dirty words vs Christian belief regarding their sinful designation.
Jared28: Which words?
Jim: I'll be as delicate as possible, specifically: fuck, cock, shit, cockhead, tittie, motherfucker, douche canoe, shitbag, cunt, tittie monster and, my personal favorite, eat a bowl of shit, you douche canoe cockhead tittie monster cock mother fucking fuck. Sorry for not appropriately using hyphens. I also avoided using the C word twice because it generally causes women to hate me much more than they already do.
Kimmi: uh...
Matt Moderator: What is your neighbor majoring in???
Jim: By all evidence, sleeping and drinking Diet Coke. She's in the 6th grade.
Jared28: WHAT???
Matt Moderator: Read the book of Ephesians.
Jim: The Bible scares me-- I'm a militant conservationist and often ponder how Noah returned polar bears back from central Turkey to the North Pole, etc. That book of the bible seems incomplete-- much like the conclusion of each episode of The Blacklist.
Kimmi: Yur crazy, but that made me laugh. The only thing mentioned in the bible is taking God's name in vain..that's a sin.
Jim: As I recall, Kimmi, my dad often violated the third commandment as it relates to my inexperience in properly holding a flashlight.
Jared28: any curse or negative voice toward man is sinful.
Jim Patrick: Samuel Jackson is definitely screwed. The words I listed are all man made.
Matt Moderator: And God created man.
Jim Patrick: And man created the 72" plasma display television; perhaps if man does more good, (and, trust me, 72" tv's are great) it evens out or am I missing something here?
Kimmi: I think as long as you don't use those words in a hateful way it's all good.
Jim Patrick: Then I'm safe, I just use them recreationally. Whew.
Jared28: We'll find out when Jesus returns.
Jim: When?
Matt Moderator: Amen Jared. And no one knows when.
Jim: I believe that's because he was a carpenter...an independent contractor. No one EVER knows when contractors will return.
Kimmi: HA
Jim: I think you meant HAllelujah.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
Another Year In The Can...
I rarely write about New Orleans in general. But, with the assault of sappy year-end retrospectives, I couldn't resist. I'm hoping that Anderson Cooper or Carson Daily might host the TV version. Here's a glance at 2015...
In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again. We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence. He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo. (Murder rate hits 45)
April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven. Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton. (Murder rate hits 57)
May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single. The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday). Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo. (Murder rate hits 73)
June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted. Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts. Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies. (Murder rate hits 92)
Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans. Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi. A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.) Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa. New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest. (Murder rate hits 120)
September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy. In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension. The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas. (Murder rate climbs to 131)
Tricks for treats...it's October! Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen. Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette. Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge. (Murder rate hits 146)
November leftovers anyone? Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders. Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.
HoHoHO! According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids. Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins. Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown. (Murder rate hits 164)
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015 All Rights Reserved
In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again. We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence. He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo. (Murder rate hits 45)
April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven. Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton. (Murder rate hits 57)
May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single. The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday). Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo. (Murder rate hits 73)
June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted. Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts. Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies. (Murder rate hits 92)
Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans. Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi. A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.) Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa. New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest. (Murder rate hits 120)
September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy. In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension. The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas. (Murder rate climbs to 131)
Tricks for treats...it's October! Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen. Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette. Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge. (Murder rate hits 146)
November leftovers anyone? Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders. Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.
HoHoHO! According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids. Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins. Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown. (Murder rate hits 164)
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015 All Rights Reserved
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Wikipediatrics
I received a link today from an extremely alert reader (pronounced: stalker) regarding an online business profile on our company. Our legal machine, Wes Hohenstein, asked if we needed his assistance. Opting for a much more disastrous approach, we decided to pass on Wes' $5-thousand dollar per minute fees and agreed that I personally dispatch an e-mail: Here we go...
"Categorized as publishing/media. Pontchartrain Press, Dba "Cockmonster Under My Bed"
Established/inc. 2009, New Orleans, La, Nashville, Tn. Registered: Santa Monica, Ca, New York, Ny, Dallas, Tx, Butternut, Wi.
Principles: approximately 2
Employees: approximately 7
Annual Revenue: approximately
$xxx,xxx (HAHAHAHA)
From: Jim Patrick, Pontchartrain Press
Greetings from the South Pole, My indicated locale is about as accurate as the data compiled on our company by your associates who, clearly, work for Wikipedia.
I once used Wikipedia for biographical on a story subject but could only decipher that she was born sometime between 1972-1990, born in Dubuque and was, in fact, deceased...which was news to her when I informed her of the tragic information that she's from Dubuque.
You, commendably, managed to get a few items correct. However, much like the carnival "pop the balloon dart game" you flatly would be going home with concession stand food poisoning or a staph infection rather than the life-size stuffed animal.
The number of "principles" was correct in noting "approximately two." Between myself and managing editor, Mike Klein, sadly, Mike is indeed half of a man as he has only ONE testicle, directly attributed to a bizarre wheelbarrow handle to the nuts while chasing his sister when he was age 10.
This, likely, explains a lot about Mike's general self esteem.
The approximate number of employees is somewhat correct but might change soon as we're unable to locate Amanda since her weekend trip to North Carolina with the 12th hipster that she's dated in five years. As she continues to make stellar life decisions, we're keeping a hopeful vigil that she wasn't involved in a shark attack, mountain accident or a hate crime. (North Carolina is a diverse, geopolitical state)
My money on the "Amanda Dead Pool" btw is that, unlike previous boyfriends, her new guy finally figured out how to murder her and get away with it.
Since we all have her number on "call block" we just don't know. Then again, I'm pretty sure iPhones don't work in North Carolina anyway.
As for estimated revenue, somebody has some serious explaining to do to our staff...except for Amanda of course.
Regards,
James Patrick
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015
All Rights Reserved
"Categorized as publishing/media. Pontchartrain Press, Dba "Cockmonster Under My Bed"
Established/inc. 2009, New Orleans, La, Nashville, Tn. Registered: Santa Monica, Ca, New York, Ny, Dallas, Tx, Butternut, Wi.
Principles: approximately 2
Employees: approximately 7
Annual Revenue: approximately
$xxx,xxx (HAHAHAHA)
From: Jim Patrick, Pontchartrain Press
Greetings from the South Pole, My indicated locale is about as accurate as the data compiled on our company by your associates who, clearly, work for Wikipedia.
I once used Wikipedia for biographical on a story subject but could only decipher that she was born sometime between 1972-1990, born in Dubuque and was, in fact, deceased...which was news to her when I informed her of the tragic information that she's from Dubuque.
You, commendably, managed to get a few items correct. However, much like the carnival "pop the balloon dart game" you flatly would be going home with concession stand food poisoning or a staph infection rather than the life-size stuffed animal.
The number of "principles" was correct in noting "approximately two." Between myself and managing editor, Mike Klein, sadly, Mike is indeed half of a man as he has only ONE testicle, directly attributed to a bizarre wheelbarrow handle to the nuts while chasing his sister when he was age 10.
This, likely, explains a lot about Mike's general self esteem.
The approximate number of employees is somewhat correct but might change soon as we're unable to locate Amanda since her weekend trip to North Carolina with the 12th hipster that she's dated in five years. As she continues to make stellar life decisions, we're keeping a hopeful vigil that she wasn't involved in a shark attack, mountain accident or a hate crime. (North Carolina is a diverse, geopolitical state)
My money on the "Amanda Dead Pool" btw is that, unlike previous boyfriends, her new guy finally figured out how to murder her and get away with it.
Since we all have her number on "call block" we just don't know. Then again, I'm pretty sure iPhones don't work in North Carolina anyway.
As for estimated revenue, somebody has some serious explaining to do to our staff...except for Amanda of course.
Regards,
James Patrick
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015
All Rights Reserved
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Sweet Sixteen
A rarity where I respond to anyone under 18 so as not to anger their parents, or Tipper Gore. This is a situation that any number of my colleagues would refer to as a recipe for disaster. This young woman is gonna be a writing star...
TO: Jim Patrick
From: Linz, Nashville, TN.
I'm 16 and really enjoy the stuff you write for the local blog scene here...it only appears once per month. Why?? You're FROM HERE.
I hope to be a writer eventually and notice that you include silly stuff about your family and friends a lot. My family and friends are crazy funny, stupid but I wonder how I can write about them and not make them mad at me.
I figure no one will pay attention to my writing till I'm older anyway. When did you begin writing and did people take you seriously?
From: Jim Patrick Pontchartrain Press
Dear Linz,
Once per month?? It's supposed to appear twice per month- someone's getting fired for this! Unfortunately it'll be me.
I seem to have moderate allergies to deadline oriented writing assignments, according to Mike Klein, the editor.
On another note, I also have allergies to cats, which led to an eventual breakup between me and my Ex. She, likely, holds an entirely different opinion on this topic.
Let's get to the most important aspect of your e-mail- Aren't there ANY sort of parental filtering systems on your computer? WHY would your parents allow you to hit that Nashville publication?
I'm happy that you did though and that you've enjoyed them- They probably won't scar you or anything...not too much.
If your parents take issue, no worries. I'm perfectly accustomed to angering a young woman's parents- another topic where I believe my Ex might provide a treasure trove of information.
To answer your remaining questions: I don't have a clue.
Actually I'm not certain that anyone takes ME seriously to this day and I'm not 16. But, life can be more fun that way Linz; It's less stressful quite honestly.
Don't be discouraged or doubt yourself because of your age, ever- simply write what you feel whether or not someone will like it or not. There'll always be someone who doesn't like another person's art. I'm looking in the general direction of Nickelback.
When someone shoots your stuff down, deal with it bravely as I do...cry uncontrollably in the corner of a locked room and stage a hunger strike. (both for people not liking your writing AND for the fact that Nickelback is still making music).
I happen to take you seriously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing back I suppose.
You're fortunate to have friends and family who are "crazy, funny, stupid."- get ready to create an arsenal of pseudonyms unless you're ready to be uninvited, unfriended and sit alone a lot.
I don't have this particular problem as my friends are crazy, stupid, funny...and usually drunk.
Note: Don't drink, smoke or watch the Real Housewives. Make healthful eating choices, stay in school...oh, and always wear your seatbelt. Also, stay away from boys until you're age 30.
Pass along the following message to your dad for me...
"You're welcome."
(He'll know what I mean.)
I would've attached some draft writings but I'd like to not end up on a neighborhood watch bulletin.
The truth is, I believe that most people have some form of talent and all people have dreams. Sadly, so many don't take that first step. But, you did. Never stop doing that. Keep at it...then watch what happens.
It may or may not be important to note: I am not a role model for young people, at least that's what I've been told. But, I truly thank you for your email.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015
Author note: Since she sent this email, Linz recently won accolades in a Nashville area school essay competition. Congrats!
TO: Jim Patrick
From: Linz, Nashville, TN.
I'm 16 and really enjoy the stuff you write for the local blog scene here...it only appears once per month. Why?? You're FROM HERE.
I hope to be a writer eventually and notice that you include silly stuff about your family and friends a lot. My family and friends are crazy funny, stupid but I wonder how I can write about them and not make them mad at me.
I figure no one will pay attention to my writing till I'm older anyway. When did you begin writing and did people take you seriously?
From: Jim Patrick Pontchartrain Press
Dear Linz,
Once per month?? It's supposed to appear twice per month- someone's getting fired for this! Unfortunately it'll be me.
I seem to have moderate allergies to deadline oriented writing assignments, according to Mike Klein, the editor.
On another note, I also have allergies to cats, which led to an eventual breakup between me and my Ex. She, likely, holds an entirely different opinion on this topic.
Let's get to the most important aspect of your e-mail- Aren't there ANY sort of parental filtering systems on your computer? WHY would your parents allow you to hit that Nashville publication?
I'm happy that you did though and that you've enjoyed them- They probably won't scar you or anything...not too much.
If your parents take issue, no worries. I'm perfectly accustomed to angering a young woman's parents- another topic where I believe my Ex might provide a treasure trove of information.
To answer your remaining questions: I don't have a clue.
Actually I'm not certain that anyone takes ME seriously to this day and I'm not 16. But, life can be more fun that way Linz; It's less stressful quite honestly.
Don't be discouraged or doubt yourself because of your age, ever- simply write what you feel whether or not someone will like it or not. There'll always be someone who doesn't like another person's art. I'm looking in the general direction of Nickelback.
When someone shoots your stuff down, deal with it bravely as I do...cry uncontrollably in the corner of a locked room and stage a hunger strike. (both for people not liking your writing AND for the fact that Nickelback is still making music).
I happen to take you seriously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing back I suppose.
You're fortunate to have friends and family who are "crazy, funny, stupid."- get ready to create an arsenal of pseudonyms unless you're ready to be uninvited, unfriended and sit alone a lot.
I don't have this particular problem as my friends are crazy, stupid, funny...and usually drunk.
Note: Don't drink, smoke or watch the Real Housewives. Make healthful eating choices, stay in school...oh, and always wear your seatbelt. Also, stay away from boys until you're age 30.
Pass along the following message to your dad for me...
"You're welcome."
(He'll know what I mean.)
I would've attached some draft writings but I'd like to not end up on a neighborhood watch bulletin.
The truth is, I believe that most people have some form of talent and all people have dreams. Sadly, so many don't take that first step. But, you did. Never stop doing that. Keep at it...then watch what happens.
It may or may not be important to note: I am not a role model for young people, at least that's what I've been told. But, I truly thank you for your email.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015
Author note: Since she sent this email, Linz recently won accolades in a Nashville area school essay competition. Congrats!
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
The Family Tree Fell In The Forest
I learned from Geneology.com that I most certainly must have been drunk for visiting Genealogy.com.
I also learned that, in ancient times, many marriages were by capture, not choice - due scarcity of nubile women, men raided other villages for wives.
This sounds like Braveheart mixed with Monday Night Football meets The Bachelor and a snuff film. Tru TV, please add this program to your lineup!
Frequently the tribe from which a warrior stole a bride would come looking for her, fill out some paperwork I suppose and then it was necessary for these wacky kids to go into hiding to avoid being discovered; Sort of like weapons of mass destruction.
Sounds romantic.
I don't date as I enjoy a sane existence without crazy people but, if I did date, I simply like to go for dinner, enjoy a nice stroll, maybe a concert and, perhaps, a few drinks- It never occurred to me to resurrect a tradition of tribal warfare on the first date. I save that for the third date.
According to an old French custom, (and we all know what the French are famous for... obnoxiousness.)
The country of cheese, chain smoking, infidelity and wine asserted that as the moon went through all phases, a new couple must drink a brew called Metheglin (This sounds too close to Meth, which is Sooo Central Florida for my comfort level).
It's a concoction made from honey. Hence, we get the word honeymoon. Also known as it's all downhill from here.
I suspect that I would have been hanged, drawn, quartered and/or burned at the stake during this era.
Again, on MY rare occasion for a date and not necessarily in this order: We eat, have a few drinks, maybe film a pornographic video and I'll open doors for her.
I remember once, in my wilder days, I went on a date and at the end of the evening we happened across a mutual friend.
The three of us chatted for a bit (by chatted, I mean we had five shots of Tequila) and, before sunrise, we found ourselves on a plane, 400-miles away, at the beach in Boca Raton.
Yes, I realize that this sounds like a creepy plotline for a pornographic film.
Perhaps my favorite “date” visual comes from a friend of mine, Leigh. She informed that she once went on a double date and tooled around town in an MG- Even better, they went to a festival in Lower Manhattan and won “The Big Banana.” Four people in a two-seater with a stuffed, 6-foot banana. I’m not certain what role the banana may or may not have played later in the evening and I didn’t ask.
There are some experiences that one can't receive from e-Harmony.
Even though my expeditions do not involve tribal kidnapping, nor the “Big Banana”- enjoying another’s company, whether it be over dinner, drinks, a multi state killing spree, etc. I require no formal event title. It can be with a friend or it can be with someone with whom you would greatly like to see naked; No pressures or stigmas attached.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015
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