Editor's note: Our ongoing three-piece series (a.k.a. this won't end until a sniper delivers a fatal headshot to Jim Patrick) Enjoy part two.
Let's take a peek at social media and how, according to Twitter users, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders might be responsible for troubled chapters in American history such as the Kennedy assassination, Area 51and Kanye West.
Some of our favorite social media denizens include:
The Attention Fishermen...
Shelley: Sigh. I'm totally over it.
Matt: What's wrong???
Shelley: Too much...don't wanna talk about it. Never mind. sigh.
Jessica: You okay girl??
Shelley: I will be...very soon. can't be here anymore.
Tony: Wait, WHAT??? Wtf is going on Shell???
Shelley: Nothing apparently important, I've been told. I don't wanna talk about it...giving up.
Kate: I'm coming to your house right now!!!!!!
Shelley: I'm not home...I'm totally over it all, this is it for me.
Tony: Where are you????
Shelley: TGI Fridays.
Laugh freely, but you (sadly) know it's true...and we've all seen it play out right there on the screen.
Next up...The social media "one upper."
Ken: OMG...I just met Kevin Bacon...really cool dude!
Chad: That's very cool. Me and Laura met Elton John two weeks ago. He invited us backstage AND gave us All Access passes, including use of his 3-thousand square foot bathroom. We hit it off so well that he invited us to dinner after the show. The only sad part of the night was the homeless guy while we were waiting for our cab. I gave him all of my cash since me and Laura are leaving for a remote Indonesian village next week with the Peace Corps. All the kids have to eat there are sticks so we're gonna show them how to grow veggies and cure cancer.
Meeting Kevin Bacon is cool dude! See you soon.
Yep, it's an interesting world and we all have a front row seat-- thanks to Al Gore's Internet-- which brings us to our series conclusion. Social media and politics. Stay tuned...
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Unsociable Media part 1 of 3
I'm fairly certain that social media is going to bring about another extinction level event, not witnessed since the Triassic era and/or the 2016 presidential campaign. In the meantime, I can still enjoy fun items that I didn't ask for, such as:
473-billion playful cat video shares
The ability to exhibit behavior which would make an 8 year-old cringe
Click an "angry face," a "Like" icon or any number of passive aggressive emojis associated with a post pertaining to topics which are clearly a private matter
Or gain insight as to how some political candidate will, literally, eat your child if elected...
It's all right there, at one's very brave fingertips.
While it's a bizarre societal case study, I tend to "personally" interact on social media as I do in my real life. (ooops, IRL) I don't...Then I stay in the house and cry uncontrollably-- weighing the pros and cons of moving to Antarctica--
Stay tuned for a three part series...but first, the first of real samples:
Online breakups hold equivalence to hell on earth for both parties...
In the syrupy Facebook bliss of, say, an office relationship in full bloom, typical interaction between lovebirds might read like this:
Girl: You wanna meet for drinks after work?
Guy: I sure can sweetie…
Girl: I think you’ll find it well worth your while…don’t plan on getting much sleep tonight
After the breakup, the public conversation devolves into this:
Girl: if you’re in over your head just say so.
Guy: Yeah, well I’ve been busy!!! The earth doesn’t revolve around you...even though, if you keep eating the way you do, you’ll be as big as a planet soon enough.
Girl: Yeah?? Well at least I’m not latently homosexual.
Guy: You said you adored the fact that I was sensitive and wrote poems for you!
Girl: Yeah? I lied!
Guy: (Wanting to kill his friend who convinced him that leaving love notes and preparing French pastries was a nice touch) Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed!!!
Girl: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
Guy: Oh YEAH???? At least I’m not a little BITCH!!
Girl: Yes you are.
I’m reasonably certain that office breakups, and social media, violates some sort of OSHA safety guideline.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
473-billion playful cat video shares
The ability to exhibit behavior which would make an 8 year-old cringe
Click an "angry face," a "Like" icon or any number of passive aggressive emojis associated with a post pertaining to topics which are clearly a private matter
Or gain insight as to how some political candidate will, literally, eat your child if elected...
It's all right there, at one's very brave fingertips.
While it's a bizarre societal case study, I tend to "personally" interact on social media as I do in my real life. (ooops, IRL) I don't...Then I stay in the house and cry uncontrollably-- weighing the pros and cons of moving to Antarctica--
Stay tuned for a three part series...but first, the first of real samples:
Online breakups hold equivalence to hell on earth for both parties...
In the syrupy Facebook bliss of, say, an office relationship in full bloom, typical interaction between lovebirds might read like this:
Girl: You wanna meet for drinks after work?
Guy: I sure can sweetie…
Girl: I think you’ll find it well worth your while…don’t plan on getting much sleep tonight
After the breakup, the public conversation devolves into this:
Girl: if you’re in over your head just say so.
Guy: Yeah, well I’ve been busy!!! The earth doesn’t revolve around you...even though, if you keep eating the way you do, you’ll be as big as a planet soon enough.
Girl: Yeah?? Well at least I’m not latently homosexual.
Guy: You said you adored the fact that I was sensitive and wrote poems for you!
Girl: Yeah? I lied!
Guy: (Wanting to kill his friend who convinced him that leaving love notes and preparing French pastries was a nice touch) Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed!!!
Girl: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
Guy: Oh YEAH???? At least I’m not a little BITCH!!
Girl: Yes you are.
I’m reasonably certain that office breakups, and social media, violates some sort of OSHA safety guideline.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Birthday Blisssss
I'm experiencing another stupid birthday and, as usual, I've learned many valuable lessons...all of which escape me at the moment.
This year on my birthday I plan to do what many successful people in our society do...begin a 7 to 10 month sentence at a minimum security prison.
On day 364, let's cut the cake, enjoy a lap dance from a vulnerable college stripper who's majoring in Art History and take a peek at a few "Things I've Learned."
1. I genuinely enjoy conversation, so long as I'm not involved in any way whatsoever.
2. I judge ANY guy who orders a shot of Fireball. (or drives a Miata)
3. Far too many people spend far too much time worrying about how to BE together rather than just being together.
4. If you want to enjoy unscripted entertainment, engage a 23-year old in conversation about Bernie Sanders. It's important that you pose as a dedicated Trump supporter or WWE fan-- share a racist joke, buy them a shot of Fireball and ask them to explain what the 13th and 15th amendments to the constitution mean to them. (pause for 10 seconds so they can Google it.)
5. I get into trouble quite often for being honest. Case in point-- One does not have to do anything that they do not wish to do. (I live by this philosophy) The caveat being that you must be prepared to accept consequences and be labeled as difficult, or a Kardashian. In rare cases it, oddly, might very well set you on a path to the presidency.
6. I'm no fashion expert but, skinny jeans and man buns??? Guys, please stop it! I've inadvertently avoided getting laid for almost two years...yet, somehow, you continue to thrive. #douche
7. #hashtagscausecancer
8. People believe ANYTHING that they read online. If you don't believe it, log in to Facebook where you'll learn about current events-- then hit "like" and type "amen" to receive financial blessings.
9. Rice-a-Roni is NOT, in fact, the San Francisco treat. A young woman named Amanda is.
10. I don't understand those who want to win the Power Ball. I simply visit the corner store to feel much better about my OWN life, purchase a pack of smokes, beef jerky and find comfort in how my life is much more simplistic-- as I wait for the dick in front of me treat a Powerball ticket transaction as though they're signing adoption papers.
11. I'm rather embarrassed that my shopping list this week includes croissants, a pineapple, Tide laundry detergent and shoelaces.
12. Everyone who I've ever met named "Chaz" is a complete asshole.
13. When did shingles become an epidemic? And, why is Terry Bradshaw trying to scare the shit out of me with it?
14. I embrace invasive technology, just like the Unibomber...minus blowing stuff up, for now.
15. (deleted) Item fifteen, apparently, didn't sit well with the editor yet number fourteen made the cut.
16. Mike Klein, the editor, once again, still sucks the life from my soul.
17. If you use "lol" in a text, call me "boo" or your "bff", please lose all contact info for me.
17. I love my new phone...
Jim: "Hey, Siri, wanna have crazy animal sex?"
Siri: "I'm afraid I don't understand your question."
Jim: "Yeah, me neither. Thanks Siri."
Another year has passed with the comfort as that of a kidney stone. And so I anxiously anticipate a fun new year filled with fresh adventures, life lessons, a possible 3-way sexual encounter and a Hollywood reboot version of the hilarious, socially conscious, 80's sitcom, "Diff'rent Strokes."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
This year on my birthday I plan to do what many successful people in our society do...begin a 7 to 10 month sentence at a minimum security prison.
On day 364, let's cut the cake, enjoy a lap dance from a vulnerable college stripper who's majoring in Art History and take a peek at a few "Things I've Learned."
1. I genuinely enjoy conversation, so long as I'm not involved in any way whatsoever.
2. I judge ANY guy who orders a shot of Fireball. (or drives a Miata)
3. Far too many people spend far too much time worrying about how to BE together rather than just being together.
4. If you want to enjoy unscripted entertainment, engage a 23-year old in conversation about Bernie Sanders. It's important that you pose as a dedicated Trump supporter or WWE fan-- share a racist joke, buy them a shot of Fireball and ask them to explain what the 13th and 15th amendments to the constitution mean to them. (pause for 10 seconds so they can Google it.)
5. I get into trouble quite often for being honest. Case in point-- One does not have to do anything that they do not wish to do. (I live by this philosophy) The caveat being that you must be prepared to accept consequences and be labeled as difficult, or a Kardashian. In rare cases it, oddly, might very well set you on a path to the presidency.
6. I'm no fashion expert but, skinny jeans and man buns??? Guys, please stop it! I've inadvertently avoided getting laid for almost two years...yet, somehow, you continue to thrive. #douche
7. #hashtagscausecancer
8. People believe ANYTHING that they read online. If you don't believe it, log in to Facebook where you'll learn about current events-- then hit "like" and type "amen" to receive financial blessings.
9. Rice-a-Roni is NOT, in fact, the San Francisco treat. A young woman named Amanda is.
10. I don't understand those who want to win the Power Ball. I simply visit the corner store to feel much better about my OWN life, purchase a pack of smokes, beef jerky and find comfort in how my life is much more simplistic-- as I wait for the dick in front of me treat a Powerball ticket transaction as though they're signing adoption papers.
11. I'm rather embarrassed that my shopping list this week includes croissants, a pineapple, Tide laundry detergent and shoelaces.
12. Everyone who I've ever met named "Chaz" is a complete asshole.
13. When did shingles become an epidemic? And, why is Terry Bradshaw trying to scare the shit out of me with it?
14. I embrace invasive technology, just like the Unibomber...minus blowing stuff up, for now.
15. (deleted) Item fifteen, apparently, didn't sit well with the editor yet number fourteen made the cut.
16. Mike Klein, the editor, once again, still sucks the life from my soul.
17. If you use "lol" in a text, call me "boo" or your "bff", please lose all contact info for me.
17. I love my new phone...
Jim: "Hey, Siri, wanna have crazy animal sex?"
Siri: "I'm afraid I don't understand your question."
Jim: "Yeah, me neither. Thanks Siri."
Another year has passed with the comfort as that of a kidney stone. And so I anxiously anticipate a fun new year filled with fresh adventures, life lessons, a possible 3-way sexual encounter and a Hollywood reboot version of the hilarious, socially conscious, 80's sitcom, "Diff'rent Strokes."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Check Yes Or...Maybe?
I developed my own 10 question template which is guaranteed to bring nothing of value to your life and may possibly cause cancer-- which is why we're offering it absolutely free:
I'm so tired of being assaulted by political polls, questionnaires, options and Nickelback music. People over think everything...except Nickelback.
If I could make all life decisions based on a fast food combo menu it would make my life so much easier...until I'm able to move to a sustainable outpost on Mars.
I stumbled upon an ad boasting a surefire set of 10 questions to ask in order to save time in ascertaining whether or not someone is a good person to date. What???
This must be one powerful set of questions, as we've seen two-thousand presidential debates this year and, still, the burning election year question that I believe all of us are asking is "What's up with Miley Cyrus joining The Voice?"
Here's MY scientific survey-- get ready to swipe right ladies:
1. What's your favorite food?
2. How did question one affect your life?
3. Between question one and two, which did you like best?
4. If question one were a super hero, which one would it be?
5. Would you see the movie?
6. Do you like anal? I'm kidding. If question one were a person, do you think that it might like anal?
7. Of all presidential candidates and question one, who do you trust to bring sexy back?
8. Remind me of your answer to question one again...I forgot.
9. Question one just asked ME a question. Weird.
10. So, how about dinner tonight?
I really don't need a masterful, psychological grid of questions to determine a good dating match. If I ask for a date and she says yes...I immediately question her judgment.
I'll take the number five combo, please?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
I'm so tired of being assaulted by political polls, questionnaires, options and Nickelback music. People over think everything...except Nickelback.
If I could make all life decisions based on a fast food combo menu it would make my life so much easier...until I'm able to move to a sustainable outpost on Mars.
I stumbled upon an ad boasting a surefire set of 10 questions to ask in order to save time in ascertaining whether or not someone is a good person to date. What???
This must be one powerful set of questions, as we've seen two-thousand presidential debates this year and, still, the burning election year question that I believe all of us are asking is "What's up with Miley Cyrus joining The Voice?"
Here's MY scientific survey-- get ready to swipe right ladies:
1. What's your favorite food?
2. How did question one affect your life?
3. Between question one and two, which did you like best?
4. If question one were a super hero, which one would it be?
5. Would you see the movie?
6. Do you like anal? I'm kidding. If question one were a person, do you think that it might like anal?
7. Of all presidential candidates and question one, who do you trust to bring sexy back?
8. Remind me of your answer to question one again...I forgot.
9. Question one just asked ME a question. Weird.
10. So, how about dinner tonight?
I really don't need a masterful, psychological grid of questions to determine a good dating match. If I ask for a date and she says yes...I immediately question her judgment.
I'll take the number five combo, please?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Vote For...An Excuse To Be Late To Work
I recently saw an interview on CNN with an expert psychologist who helpfully calmed voter nerves by diagnosing "Extreme voter anxiety syndrome" for every resident in America, the entire solar system and galaxies which have yet to be discovered-- with exception to fringe areas where KKK rallies still occur. Most importantly, according to her theory, the earth will be destroyed by a giant meteor if ANY of the current presidential candidates are elected. Let's weigh in...
From: William, Ringgold, GA
Hey Jim...wtf is up with these debates????
To: William
From: Jim Patrick
Wtf is up in Ringgold, William? Barreling through the 2016 campaign trail, rest assured that I'm here to help sort it out...
As the political bus of Tourette syndrome fervently racist, I mean, races, across the country, let's try to calm some nerves AND fix my bathroom toilet which won't stop running for reasons unknown to me or my landlord and his idiot plumbing expert.
According to CNN, you suffer from voter anxiety-- which sounds like a made up word from the Oxford Dictionary. But, as we all know, the English love to make up their own words. (And pretend that soccer is more exciting than the NFL).
Our world seems to have forgotten the abhorrent diatribes, borne of ghosts from campaigns' past...
--A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to KNOW what is right. (LBJ)
--We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. (Ronald Reagan)
--Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. (JFK)
--STRATEGERY. (George W. Bush)
Now, let's fast forward to the 21st century in order to ease your jitters with a more civilized presidential tone...
"Schlonged"
"Did you wipe the hard drive? What? with, like a cloth?"
"Doo doo head"
"Blood coming out of her, wherever"
"Anchor babies"
"He's not a hero; I like people who weren't captured" (in a war)
"I have two dead hookers in my trunk"
"You know what they say about guys with small hands..."
Sadly, I only made up two of those quotes to paint a kinder, gentler canvas.
It's quite likely that many people you see on television at the barrage of debates and rallies don't know who Kim Jong Il is, or his family: Kim Jong Un, Id, Aaack, Ugh, HO or, the distant cousin, Kim Jong Aeiou. (He was the smart kid.)
William, since I can barely remember if I'm legally allowed to vote, I don't have a clue but can offer a highly scientific recommendation for voter anxiety (still not a real term) and/or shingle treatment...in this order:
Treat these ailments as I do with a porn film...fast forward to the money shot. Everything else is just really bad acting and/or Terry Bradshaw
By the way, can you recommend a good plumber...or landlord?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
From: William, Ringgold, GA
Hey Jim...wtf is up with these debates????
To: William
From: Jim Patrick
Wtf is up in Ringgold, William? Barreling through the 2016 campaign trail, rest assured that I'm here to help sort it out...
As the political bus of Tourette syndrome fervently racist, I mean, races, across the country, let's try to calm some nerves AND fix my bathroom toilet which won't stop running for reasons unknown to me or my landlord and his idiot plumbing expert.
According to CNN, you suffer from voter anxiety-- which sounds like a made up word from the Oxford Dictionary. But, as we all know, the English love to make up their own words. (And pretend that soccer is more exciting than the NFL).
Our world seems to have forgotten the abhorrent diatribes, borne of ghosts from campaigns' past...
--A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to KNOW what is right. (LBJ)
--We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. (Ronald Reagan)
--Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. (JFK)
--STRATEGERY. (George W. Bush)
Now, let's fast forward to the 21st century in order to ease your jitters with a more civilized presidential tone...
"Schlonged"
"Did you wipe the hard drive? What? with, like a cloth?"
"Doo doo head"
"Blood coming out of her, wherever"
"Anchor babies"
"He's not a hero; I like people who weren't captured" (in a war)
"I have two dead hookers in my trunk"
"You know what they say about guys with small hands..."
Sadly, I only made up two of those quotes to paint a kinder, gentler canvas.
It's quite likely that many people you see on television at the barrage of debates and rallies don't know who Kim Jong Il is, or his family: Kim Jong Un, Id, Aaack, Ugh, HO or, the distant cousin, Kim Jong Aeiou. (He was the smart kid.)
William, since I can barely remember if I'm legally allowed to vote, I don't have a clue but can offer a highly scientific recommendation for voter anxiety (still not a real term) and/or shingle treatment...in this order:
Treat these ailments as I do with a porn film...fast forward to the money shot. Everything else is just really bad acting and/or Terry Bradshaw
By the way, can you recommend a good plumber...or landlord?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Yes, I Am Tired...
We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite. USA!
In the meantime, to form the final article of the season, we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day-- enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or social media site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as wanting to be left alone...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase..."I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, if Donald Trump is elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept. By the way, please lose my email address.
From FACEBOOK
Dear Jim, today is women's equality day!
From Jim Patrick
Great! Thank you Facebook for stirring social awareness, mixed with posts of someone's kid who was born without elbows and a photo or two from friends who cooked, what appears to be, a scrumptious dinner for their Tinder Hookup. Who knew that anything other than purchasing condoms was associated with a Tinder Hookup?
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile more so than I already do. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
I thank the readers from our proprietary and social media sites. We couldn't live without you. Thanks to Mike Klein, the editor, for promising to NEVER contact me during my time off. A special thank you to the love of my life, Amanda Port, (not really) but I DO love her boobies. Also thanks to Todd and the biggest loser of all, Eric Crowthers from Philly (presently via the Pacific northwest) who is a brilliant comedy talent. He also holds me when I cry, brushes my hair, talks me out of assisted suicide and, by evaluating his existence, reminds me that my life can always be much, much worse
Btw, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
See ya soon. xo
In the meantime, to form the final article of the season, we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day-- enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or social media site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as wanting to be left alone...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase..."I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, if Donald Trump is elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept. By the way, please lose my email address.
From FACEBOOK
Dear Jim, today is women's equality day!
From Jim Patrick
Great! Thank you Facebook for stirring social awareness, mixed with posts of someone's kid who was born without elbows and a photo or two from friends who cooked, what appears to be, a scrumptious dinner for their Tinder Hookup. Who knew that anything other than purchasing condoms was associated with a Tinder Hookup?
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile more so than I already do. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
I thank the readers from our proprietary and social media sites. We couldn't live without you. Thanks to Mike Klein, the editor, for promising to NEVER contact me during my time off. A special thank you to the love of my life, Amanda Port, (not really) but I DO love her boobies. Also thanks to Todd and the biggest loser of all, Eric Crowthers from Philly (presently via the Pacific northwest) who is a brilliant comedy talent. He also holds me when I cry, brushes my hair, talks me out of assisted suicide and, by evaluating his existence, reminds me that my life can always be much, much worse
Btw, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
See ya soon. xo
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Nodding Off
Awaiting the final edited column copy to be okayed by Mike Klein, Editor in Queef...In the meantime, reader mail:
From Charlie Kelly, New Orleans
Dear Jim,
I've noticed that almost no one gives the return "head nod" greeting when I pass them on the street. What's up with that?
From Jim Patrick
Judging by the abundance of personal injury attorney television commercials in New Orleans I can only speculate that everyone has life threatening neck injuries due to being hit by, what seems to be, a rash of big rig accidents.
I personally conducted a highly scientific study by strolling through the French Quarter and found your concerns well merited. Even though I was highly intoxicated and, somehow, ended up holding a partially consumed gyro and some drunk woman by the end of my research stroll, only three of ten people returned the subtle "nod" salutation.
I called one of the 300 attorneys from the TV ads to substantiate our concern but they were unable to be reached due to an apparent heavy Mesothelioma and Xarelto caseload.
I'll continue research on your behalf AND pledge to teach golf legend, Arnold Palmer, how to correctly pronounce Xarelto.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
From Charlie Kelly, New Orleans
Dear Jim,
I've noticed that almost no one gives the return "head nod" greeting when I pass them on the street. What's up with that?
From Jim Patrick
Judging by the abundance of personal injury attorney television commercials in New Orleans I can only speculate that everyone has life threatening neck injuries due to being hit by, what seems to be, a rash of big rig accidents.
I personally conducted a highly scientific study by strolling through the French Quarter and found your concerns well merited. Even though I was highly intoxicated and, somehow, ended up holding a partially consumed gyro and some drunk woman by the end of my research stroll, only three of ten people returned the subtle "nod" salutation.
I called one of the 300 attorneys from the TV ads to substantiate our concern but they were unable to be reached due to an apparent heavy Mesothelioma and Xarelto caseload.
I'll continue research on your behalf AND pledge to teach golf legend, Arnold Palmer, how to correctly pronounce Xarelto.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
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