Snap, Crackle, POP-Up

And now, fun with pop-up ads and algorithms...

I sometimes wonder how people survived back in the day and age without simple things like running water, pornhub, electricity, clinically insane political spectacles, The Real Housewives and...net algorithms. 

While I'm a big fan of running water, online algorithms theoretically serve as a friendly netting to keep undesirables out of your life, except for an ex showing up at your door at 3am...or Mark Zuckerberg.

   While simple times of long ago might not have been cushy, I believe Ye Olde School human algorithms worked pretty well, no internet needed:

Bill: (drunkenly slurring) "Hey, Fred, you s.o.b., we're gonna settle this shit right n..."

Fred: "Get the fuck away from me Bill or I will kill you and make your family watch."

Fred's home grown algorithm in action; a fun separation of bad from good. 

   In our grandparents' day human algorithm even worked for job interviews.

Ex:

Today's interview:
"...A co-worker asks you to clock in for them because their support koala bear took a shit in the Prius and they're running late. You..."
a) steep a cup of chai
b) clock the co-worker in
c) go to a quiet, gluten-free place
d) identify as a conscientious objector to powdered creamer in the break room...and the international monetary fund.

Interview from yesteryear:
Employer: "Are you drunk right now?"

Prospective employee: Nope.

Employer: "You're hired."

Which leads me to how web algorithms recently failed me via an unwanted pop-up ad as I Googled:
"Do hyenas laugh, even when they're being killed?"

Pop-up advertisement:
"Are YOU 6-feet Tall? Women want more tall, handsome men on our site. Join DateTallMen.com today to reach women near you!"

User: JIM has logged on--
I am not, in fact, 6-feet tall but I capitalized my name for stature. I never knew that 6-feet tall people were in such demand but now it makes perfect sense as to why many professional athletes are involved in troubling sexual scandals. Well, except for horse jockeys.

According to your website, altitude is, apparently, sexy! I’m 5’ 11’' and I do what most people who have failed at the 6-foot mark do-- spend a lot of time crying. I DO wear a size 11.5 shoe and, well, you know what they say about that...they say “Man, you have pretty stupid looking feet.”

Would you place me on your email list so that I might be reminded of my inadequacies or when you construct a companion website titled “Date 5’ 11’’men.com? At that point I will promptly place my profile on the site for the ladies who enjoy men of average height with big clown feet. 

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. all rights reserved.

OktoberFestivus

I read a thoughtful article today headlined:

"Female Oktoberfest
Tourists Slammed For

Porno Dresses."

WHAT? Yep. 

   
   A band of German traditionalists seem to have misplaced indignation over the fact that Mercedes automobiles are being assembled in Alabama and have aimed their precision engineering discontent toward the low-cut design of the dirndl and the women who wear them. A dirndl is the traditional dress worn during Oktoberfest...and, on occasion, by confused gentlemen lounging around the house.

   It never occurred to me that the Germans would dangle a moral barometer into the arena of "porno" labels, considering that their brand of porn involves being tied up while beaten senseless with a roll of sheet metal in a film titled:

"Mein linker Hoden schmerzt für entsetzliche Bestrafung"
*loosely translated: "My left testicle aches for horrifying punishment."

Have you ever SEEN German porn?? I have... thanks to a couple of friends who engage in questionable web activity and do not seem to be on the same page as that of the teachings of Jesus Christ.

An adventurous segment of Germany's sex subculture die each year, sadly knocking Florida off this prestigious list.

   Franz Thalhammer, 70, former chairman of a Munich festival group, called out Australian and Italian tourists specifically for sexualizing the festival dress, adding:
"It's as if I'd walk around half-naked and say HEY, I'm Australian!!!”

First of all, Franz, Australians would be flattered by that. You have to think outside the thunderbox to offend the Aussies, perhaps by screaming in agony while wearing a scuba suit with a giant rubber stingray suctioned to your back. (Shout out to Steve Irwin!! Too soon?)
   A man in Hamburg was recently discovered after chasing the perfect solo orgasm went badly. He covered himself with sliced cheese, pantyhose wrapped around his upper body, wearing a raincoat and a diving suit. He then sat down with a plastic bag over his head in front of a heater that was switched on.
I have many, many questions.

   Back to the Dirndl... Oktoberfest purist, Gerhard Muller, simply claims that the low cut dresses are tarnishing German history. No offense Gerhard, but I believe there are a couple of historic items in the German public relations filing cabinet worse than a dress with a push-up bra.

Since I'm not interested in being involved in a porno experience which involves a funeral plan, I say-- ladies raise a stein and sport the dirndl with pride. 

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2018. all rights reserved.

#ridiculousness

I have four people on my Facebook friends list who are deceased...three more and I get an Applebee's gift certificate.
   Before anyone judges me for being insensitive, it profoundly saddens me, because I'd rather have a TGI Friday's gift card.
   I can't really bring myself to delete deceased friends from social media because:
a) I don't maintain our pages
b) it just seems unnecessary to delete these people since they've already been ultimately deleted-- I'm a sensitive guy.
    If you're looking for a fun way to do something more dangerous than meth, sign on to your social media accounts and then join me in converting to the Amish way of life in shunning the modern world...and being weird..sort of like the Unibomber...without actually sending bombs via the postal service.
   Now that I, once again, have the attention of the National Security Agency, let's take a peek at actual social media brilliance...

As silly as they might be, witnessing social media meltdowns still amuses me. You know the ones I'm talking about...

Constance checked in at Taco Libre 8:30pm

Scott checked in at Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 8:40pm

Constance wrote: I'm not saying names but for some of u who don't like wat I'm gonna say, UNFRIEND me now.  OMG I'm sooo tired of subjecting myself to those who are evil..."specially one at work. ugh.

Scott wrote: I love ppl who play victims when they screw everything that moves. #dirtyslutbucket

Constance wrote: Some ppl I know stay out getting drunk all nite. #whiskeydick

Scott wrote: Some ppl work late because they try to make enough money so others can throw $90 away on a fucking pasta canister at #Anthropologie.com

Constance wrote: OMFG..At least I’m not latently homosexual.  #latentlyhomosexual
LOL

Scott wrote: SOME girls appreciate sensitive guys who write poems for girls.
The earth doesn’t revolve around some ppl...even though, if they keep eating the way they do, they'll be as big as a planet soon enough.

Constance wrote: Some guys can't keep it up. #Viagra

Scott wrote: Some girls need to take better personal care. #Vagisilisrightforyou

Constance wrote: I'm sooo sorry for ppl with small packages.
#Idon'tHaveAclever hashtagrightnowbut FuckyouScott

Scott wrote: Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed Constance!!!

Constance wrote: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
#Carlos

Scott wrote: Oh YEAH????  At least I’m not a little BITCH!!

Constance wrote: Yes you are.
#bitch

Scott wrote: Well, your best friend, Emily, from customer service, doesn't think so. ha!

Constance wrote: good luck with HPV
#luggage

Constance checked in  Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 9:47pm

Scott checked in at Taco Libre 9:44pm

Scott wrote: u here?

Constance wrote:
no...I came to wild willies to talk.
#imissyou

Author note: We're one article away from 500. And, one article away from me being off until September. Thank you all for reading from whichever platform you catch this crap. Love you.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

"As Seen On TV"

Well, here we are, Easter passed and Jesus STILL didn't come back...ugh... carpenters.
   In fairness, and to strengthen my parent's concern for my blasphemy, you truly don't know when independent contractors will EVER return.
   In other letdowns, the Chinese space station crashed and didn't hit anything funny, like Effingham, Illinois, my neighbor or one of the Kardashians-- sadly depriving the world of a hilarious segment on "TMZ" or "YouTube."
   When I'm not avoiding people, I do what every normal person does...I read the phone book to relax.
   TV is a good diversion lately because I believe everything that I see on television, except for The Weather Channel, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, Sean Hannity, Al Roker, Showtime, A&E, QVC, Wicked Tuna, pay per view motel porn and, especially, Paula Dean.
    After watching 70-days of news coverage for an upcoming project I also do not believe that Russia fixed our election...I feel strongly that the mystery of presidential election tampering was cast by some guy named Ted-- just a random guy who transferred dark feelings because of boredom, not politicism. So, he decided to fuck with things via his iPad-- over an order of loaded potato skins at the end of a TGI Fridays bar top in Muncie, Indiana-- Sometimes it's just that simple.  Don't believe it? Sadly, it's amazing what triggers people...just watch the news.
   On a brighter note, upon conclusion of my two and a half month TV binge-fest, I learned that (thankfully) Cialis is not right for me and I also feel reasonably certain that a reverse mortgage would not fit into my financial portfolio as that of a senior citizen who's economically forced to eat cat food. Now that I think about it, a reverse mortgage might be effective so long as William DeVane is somewhere nearby so that I might shake him down for his gold and silver after ultimately losing my house and forced to become a greeter at The Wal-Mart.
   In summation, fuck Tom Selleck and his predatory lending commercials.  While we're at it, fuck The General... AND Shaq too.
    I'm a big fan of Fox News... primarily because it irritates everyone else.  I'm kidding...I only watch Fox News channel because I'm a HUGE FAN of My Pillow.Com, 1-800 Empire and some catheter company, then I switch to the 400-thousand hour tru tv Impractical Jokers marathon.
    To be serious, I only watch Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, C-SPAN and the woman's bedroom window across the street.
    Speaking of a normal segment in my life, Alexa AND Siri sound hot but totally like condescending assholes (but) in their defense, I've been single for a while.

"Alexa how do I get to your house? I'll bring Siri and some vodka."
   I really didn't learn much during my television binge/research and I continue to make questionable life decisions while holding little opinion about politics, pop culture or the folks who cover the topic...
    I DO plan to enjoy baseball season and other things such as watching paint dry and it's a stress free life, which makes me smile.
    By the way, the UPS guy just delivered the "My Pillow."  "As seen on TV." zzzzzzzz!

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

FaceBerg

I've been reading all the fuss whirling around FaceBerg but the most interesting byproduct is that people are posting their imminent departure intentions from Facebook, ON FACEBOOK. This reinforces a long held feeling for something I've dreamed about for a long time-- that the out of control Chinese space station will crash onto my body-- followed by an extinction level event. *poke... smiley face.*
   I think that, in his congressional testimony, Zuckerberg should answer the distinguished panel in emojis.
   On a personal note, now is as good a time as any for Facebook to introduce the "eat a dick" button.      
   Before anyone rushes to crucify Facebook for facilitating info miners, I direct you to a larger problem...demon seed has been strewn for decades, spawning the birth of a generation of gullible idiots who share anything online-- including half naked pics of my 60 year old neighbor that still haunts my dreams, stupid live streaming vacation video while smart people are burglarizing your house and a society who
 "unfriends" people via a fucking button?  By the way...I still refuse to accept "unfriend" as an actual word.
   Call me old fashioned, but I get unfriended just fine on my own...in person.
   It's a well known fact that anything one types, posts or searches for on the web is available to anyone who holds capable skills to capture or hack it. (pronounced: your nine year old child) In my case, the NSA likely tracks me for numerous reasons-- such as Googling:
 "Hot,Taliban Girl on Girl Action."

Don't judge me.
   I'm a relatively satisfied Facebook user, as it often facilitates many helpful benefits, personally:
 I receive passive aggressive comments from people that I hate anyway, I have friends who post photos of their kids and the occasional selfie someone snaps along with their dumb entree at some stupid, overpriced restaurant. I also receive numerous horrible friend suggestions and an intrusive, but entertaining, daily topic generator asking me to complete the sentence:
From: Facebook. "Hey Jim! Complete the sentence..."
 "In the shower, I like to sing..."

From Jim:
"Rape Me."

   Zuckerburg, who I affectionately refer to as the walking PB&J sandwich, with the crust trimmed, lost several billion dollars in stock value over this whole thing but I, on the other hand, made use just minutes ago, via his brilliant platform...
   I logged off.  Right after I played with a Facebook quiz that matches my personality with famous war criminals or my porn star name...i can't remember.
Regards,
Idi Adolf Von Monster Rod

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Rain, Sleet or something else stupid. It's Mail Time

We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite.  USA!
    In the meantime we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day; enjoy...
     I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or blog site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as lying very still...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.

From Susan, Louisville KY
    Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
    Congrats!  I only know one Chinese phrase...
"I'll take the number 15 dinner."  Godzirrra!  Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
    Elsewhere, apparently, since Donald Trump was elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada.  Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved.  Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
    At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.

From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you.  I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept, sort of a cool hang without having to admit that it's a cool hang.  Our signature drink will be called "My bad, you're dead."

The drink is a mixture of Rolling Rock and Tide Pods.

   By the way, please lose my email address.

    From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
    From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.

    From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese.  You should hang out there one afternoon.  You'd get tons of writing material.
    From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile.  Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
   That's about it for the mail sack for now...
By the way, the name of my new "hipster" bar--  The Downtrodden Scampi."

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018 All Rights Reserved

Satisfaction (somewhat) Guaranteed

The voices in my head are reminiscent of those presented in the spectacular viral video short: "Charlie the Unicorn."  For me, this winding stroll through life is boring at worst...delightfully weird at best and somewhere in the middle makes me want to jump into the rotor of a helicopter.  Where to begin?  Let's start with...
   I finally have all of my social media access codes after nine years so now I can take full responsibility for any social media activity which, it seems, many people take more to heart than losing a loved one.  At any rate, should I inadvertently offend anyone on social media, I will do the adult thing and passive aggressively blame Amanda Port, my colleague and human trainwreck/horrible guy magnet.
    The first experience upon my solo dip into the tepid social media pool was:
"James Patrick, 10,000 people have liked your posts. We hope you are enjoying Facebook."
   I only know 30 people...either the numbers are wrong or I have a stalker.

Elsewhere...
"James Patrick, you have memories with Kristi." (not her real name...her real name is Kristin. She lives at 436 South Cort ...)  *edit for privacy/ legal content*
 
   Thank you, Facebook, for digging up memories and slinging them toward my face this morning as that of an orangutan who hurls it's own shit at unsuspecting zoo visitors.  The woman who destroyed my human spirit and burned my house to the ground (with pets in it) seems to be doing splendid in rehab according to face fucking book...AND, it appears that we share 2 mutual friends online...splendid.
   My favorite question in the electronic shackled universe is:
"Hey, is it supposed to rain today?"
 This question typically spews from an individual holding $500-thousand dollars worth of communication devices, including an actual space satellite, a load of bandwidth which rival Chinese spies, a multi-lateral missile launch control and a Papa John's and "step counter" app.
   Speaking of our collective starving for information overload:
   Before the internet, each year, I was forced, without express written or verbal consent, to absorb numerous national employee satisfaction surveys (qualitative and quantitative) Then I was forced to conduct said surveys on my own staff of on-air talents (pronounced: highly paid crazy people) who never leave home without a fucking lawyer or agent.
    Because I'm a team player, I approached this directive with sincerity...feeling confident that I've angered God in some way.
   For employers on the never-ending quest to understand their employees, I'll save you some valuable time via spoiler alert on your "Indiana Jones and The Quest To Verify That Harrison Ford Has Finally Become Clinically Insane."
    The absolute number one virtue that employees crave isn't money...it's
Honesty and
A feeling of inclusion

Don't bother googling it...it's a fact.

   I am blessed and privileged to have worked with some of the most talented broadcasters and writers one could hope for. With that, as Mike, the editor, says, I've caused enough mischief on the blog platforms today.  But, in reality, I only point out the elephant in the room...so, keep up the good work out there.  You might just get a pay raise.

Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.