I developed my own 10 question template which is guaranteed to bring nothing of value to your life and may possibly cause cancer-- which is why we're offering it absolutely free:
I'm so tired of being assaulted by political polls, questionnaires, options and Nickelback music. People over think everything...except Nickelback.
If I could make all life decisions based on a fast food combo menu it would make my life so much easier...until I'm able to move to a sustainable outpost on Mars.
I stumbled upon an ad boasting a surefire set of 10 questions to ask in order to save time in ascertaining whether or not someone is a good person to date. What???
This must be one powerful set of questions, as we've seen two-thousand presidential debates this year and, still, the burning election year question that I believe all of us are asking is "What's up with Miley Cyrus joining The Voice?"
Here's MY scientific survey-- get ready to swipe right ladies:
1. What's your favorite food?
2. How did question one affect your life?
3. Between question one and two, which did you like best?
4. If question one were a super hero, which one would it be?
5. Would you see the movie?
6. Do you like anal? I'm kidding. If question one were a person, do you think that it might like anal?
7. Of all presidential candidates and question one, who do you trust to bring sexy back?
8. Remind me of your answer to question one again...I forgot.
9. Question one just asked ME a question. Weird.
10. So, how about dinner tonight?
I really don't need a masterful, psychological grid of questions to determine a good dating match. If I ask for a date and she says yes...I immediately question her judgment.
I'll take the number five combo, please?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Vote For...An Excuse To Be Late To Work
I recently saw an interview on CNN with an expert psychologist who helpfully calmed voter nerves by diagnosing "Extreme voter anxiety syndrome" for every resident in America, the entire solar system and galaxies which have yet to be discovered-- with exception to fringe areas where KKK rallies still occur. Most importantly, according to her theory, the earth will be destroyed by a giant meteor if ANY of the current presidential candidates are elected. Let's weigh in...
From: William, Ringgold, GA
Hey Jim...wtf is up with these debates????
To: William
From: Jim Patrick
Wtf is up in Ringgold, William? Barreling through the 2016 campaign trail, rest assured that I'm here to help sort it out...
As the political bus of Tourette syndrome fervently racist, I mean, races, across the country, let's try to calm some nerves AND fix my bathroom toilet which won't stop running for reasons unknown to me or my landlord and his idiot plumbing expert.
According to CNN, you suffer from voter anxiety-- which sounds like a made up word from the Oxford Dictionary. But, as we all know, the English love to make up their own words. (And pretend that soccer is more exciting than the NFL).
Our world seems to have forgotten the abhorrent diatribes, borne of ghosts from campaigns' past...
--A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to KNOW what is right. (LBJ)
--We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. (Ronald Reagan)
--Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. (JFK)
--STRATEGERY. (George W. Bush)
Now, let's fast forward to the 21st century in order to ease your jitters with a more civilized presidential tone...
"Schlonged"
"Did you wipe the hard drive? What? with, like a cloth?"
"Doo doo head"
"Blood coming out of her, wherever"
"Anchor babies"
"He's not a hero; I like people who weren't captured" (in a war)
"I have two dead hookers in my trunk"
"You know what they say about guys with small hands..."
Sadly, I only made up two of those quotes to paint a kinder, gentler canvas.
It's quite likely that many people you see on television at the barrage of debates and rallies don't know who Kim Jong Il is, or his family: Kim Jong Un, Id, Aaack, Ugh, HO or, the distant cousin, Kim Jong Aeiou. (He was the smart kid.)
William, since I can barely remember if I'm legally allowed to vote, I don't have a clue but can offer a highly scientific recommendation for voter anxiety (still not a real term) and/or shingle treatment...in this order:
Treat these ailments as I do with a porn film...fast forward to the money shot. Everything else is just really bad acting and/or Terry Bradshaw
By the way, can you recommend a good plumber...or landlord?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
From: William, Ringgold, GA
Hey Jim...wtf is up with these debates????
To: William
From: Jim Patrick
Wtf is up in Ringgold, William? Barreling through the 2016 campaign trail, rest assured that I'm here to help sort it out...
As the political bus of Tourette syndrome fervently racist, I mean, races, across the country, let's try to calm some nerves AND fix my bathroom toilet which won't stop running for reasons unknown to me or my landlord and his idiot plumbing expert.
According to CNN, you suffer from voter anxiety-- which sounds like a made up word from the Oxford Dictionary. But, as we all know, the English love to make up their own words. (And pretend that soccer is more exciting than the NFL).
Our world seems to have forgotten the abhorrent diatribes, borne of ghosts from campaigns' past...
--A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to KNOW what is right. (LBJ)
--We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. (Ronald Reagan)
--Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. (JFK)
--STRATEGERY. (George W. Bush)
Now, let's fast forward to the 21st century in order to ease your jitters with a more civilized presidential tone...
"Schlonged"
"Did you wipe the hard drive? What? with, like a cloth?"
"Doo doo head"
"Blood coming out of her, wherever"
"Anchor babies"
"He's not a hero; I like people who weren't captured" (in a war)
"I have two dead hookers in my trunk"
"You know what they say about guys with small hands..."
Sadly, I only made up two of those quotes to paint a kinder, gentler canvas.
It's quite likely that many people you see on television at the barrage of debates and rallies don't know who Kim Jong Il is, or his family: Kim Jong Un, Id, Aaack, Ugh, HO or, the distant cousin, Kim Jong Aeiou. (He was the smart kid.)
William, since I can barely remember if I'm legally allowed to vote, I don't have a clue but can offer a highly scientific recommendation for voter anxiety (still not a real term) and/or shingle treatment...in this order:
Treat these ailments as I do with a porn film...fast forward to the money shot. Everything else is just really bad acting and/or Terry Bradshaw
By the way, can you recommend a good plumber...or landlord?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Yes, I Am Tired...
We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite. USA!
In the meantime, to form the final article of the season, we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day-- enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or social media site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as wanting to be left alone...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase..."I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, if Donald Trump is elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept. By the way, please lose my email address.
From FACEBOOK
Dear Jim, today is women's equality day!
From Jim Patrick
Great! Thank you Facebook for stirring social awareness, mixed with posts of someone's kid who was born without elbows and a photo or two from friends who cooked, what appears to be, a scrumptious dinner for their Tinder Hookup. Who knew that anything other than purchasing condoms was associated with a Tinder Hookup?
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile more so than I already do. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
I thank the readers from our proprietary and social media sites. We couldn't live without you. Thanks to Mike Klein, the editor, for promising to NEVER contact me during my time off. A special thank you to the love of my life, Amanda Port, (not really) but I DO love her boobies. Also thanks to Todd and the biggest loser of all, Eric Crowthers from Philly (presently via the Pacific northwest) who is a brilliant comedy talent. He also holds me when I cry, brushes my hair, talks me out of assisted suicide and, by evaluating his existence, reminds me that my life can always be much, much worse
Btw, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
See ya soon. xo
In the meantime, to form the final article of the season, we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day-- enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or social media site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as wanting to be left alone...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase..."I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, if Donald Trump is elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept. By the way, please lose my email address.
From FACEBOOK
Dear Jim, today is women's equality day!
From Jim Patrick
Great! Thank you Facebook for stirring social awareness, mixed with posts of someone's kid who was born without elbows and a photo or two from friends who cooked, what appears to be, a scrumptious dinner for their Tinder Hookup. Who knew that anything other than purchasing condoms was associated with a Tinder Hookup?
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile more so than I already do. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
I thank the readers from our proprietary and social media sites. We couldn't live without you. Thanks to Mike Klein, the editor, for promising to NEVER contact me during my time off. A special thank you to the love of my life, Amanda Port, (not really) but I DO love her boobies. Also thanks to Todd and the biggest loser of all, Eric Crowthers from Philly (presently via the Pacific northwest) who is a brilliant comedy talent. He also holds me when I cry, brushes my hair, talks me out of assisted suicide and, by evaluating his existence, reminds me that my life can always be much, much worse
Btw, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
See ya soon. xo
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Nodding Off
Awaiting the final edited column copy to be okayed by Mike Klein, Editor in Queef...In the meantime, reader mail:
From Charlie Kelly, New Orleans
Dear Jim,
I've noticed that almost no one gives the return "head nod" greeting when I pass them on the street. What's up with that?
From Jim Patrick
Judging by the abundance of personal injury attorney television commercials in New Orleans I can only speculate that everyone has life threatening neck injuries due to being hit by, what seems to be, a rash of big rig accidents.
I personally conducted a highly scientific study by strolling through the French Quarter and found your concerns well merited. Even though I was highly intoxicated and, somehow, ended up holding a partially consumed gyro and some drunk woman by the end of my research stroll, only three of ten people returned the subtle "nod" salutation.
I called one of the 300 attorneys from the TV ads to substantiate our concern but they were unable to be reached due to an apparent heavy Mesothelioma and Xarelto caseload.
I'll continue research on your behalf AND pledge to teach golf legend, Arnold Palmer, how to correctly pronounce Xarelto.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
From Charlie Kelly, New Orleans
Dear Jim,
I've noticed that almost no one gives the return "head nod" greeting when I pass them on the street. What's up with that?
From Jim Patrick
Judging by the abundance of personal injury attorney television commercials in New Orleans I can only speculate that everyone has life threatening neck injuries due to being hit by, what seems to be, a rash of big rig accidents.
I personally conducted a highly scientific study by strolling through the French Quarter and found your concerns well merited. Even though I was highly intoxicated and, somehow, ended up holding a partially consumed gyro and some drunk woman by the end of my research stroll, only three of ten people returned the subtle "nod" salutation.
I called one of the 300 attorneys from the TV ads to substantiate our concern but they were unable to be reached due to an apparent heavy Mesothelioma and Xarelto caseload.
I'll continue research on your behalf AND pledge to teach golf legend, Arnold Palmer, how to correctly pronounce Xarelto.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Friday, January 29, 2016
Jesus Loves Samuel Jackson
Time to cleanse the dirty sins with some help from my newfound (on-line) evangelical friends. Here's my (quiet) entry to the chatroom...
User: Jim Patrick has logged in: Who wants to see a Dick pic?
Kimmi: What???
Jim: My dad's best friend, Dick (and, I'm not making his name up) Weisihinkle. We took him for early dinner to Golden Corral. He's old and, clearly, doesn't place any level of priority on food quality so long as it's served by 4pm.
Kimmi: LOL.
Matt Moderator: Is this for real?
Jim: Yep, Golden Corral is, oddly, real, according to Jeff Foxworthy.
So is Dick-- he looks like a storybook character now that I think about it. I believe that the proper German pronunciation of "W" in Weisihinkle is phonetically with a "V" If it were me I'd just pronounce it Jones. I included Dick in the first book I ever wrote.
Kimmi: About what?
Jim: Applied Mathematics-- it's a southern home cooking recipe book.
Jared28: Lol...I'd like a copy.
Jim: Sure thing Jared28. May I call you 28? I'm lazy and don't feel like lobbing a stale Subway/pedophile joke toward you.
Jared28: 28 is cool.
Jim: Since we all seem to be losing at life on a perfectly good Friday night while most people are engaged in normal activities such as drinking, smoking, using drugs, fornicating and general fun stuff, I'm on the Jesus chat room.
Matt Moderator: I wouldn't say most ppl.
Jim: You're correct, just the four of us; I'd be one of the fun majority if it weren't for this pesky head cold...except for the drug use. I don't want to anger Nancy Reagan.
Kimmi: Why are YOU here on a Friday night?
Jim: I'm assisting a young neighbor/friend with a paper and I figured an evangelical site might be of value in my research.
Matt Moderator: On what?
Jim: Connotations/evolution of English language dirty words vs Christian belief regarding their sinful designation.
Jared28: Which words?
Jim: I'll be as delicate as possible, specifically: fuck, cock, shit, cockhead, tittie, motherfucker, douche canoe, shitbag, cunt, tittie monster and, my personal favorite, eat a bowl of shit, you douche canoe cockhead tittie monster cock mother fucking fuck. Sorry for not appropriately using hyphens. I also avoided using the C word twice because it generally causes women to hate me much more than they already do.
Kimmi: uh...
Matt Moderator: What is your neighbor majoring in???
Jim: By all evidence, sleeping and drinking Diet Coke. She's in the 6th grade.
Jared28: WHAT???
Matt Moderator: Read the book of Ephesians.
Jim: The Bible scares me-- I'm a militant conservationist and often ponder how Noah returned polar bears back from central Turkey to the North Pole, etc. That book of the bible seems incomplete-- much like the conclusion of each episode of The Blacklist.
Kimmi: Yur crazy, but that made me laugh. The only thing mentioned in the bible is taking God's name in vain..that's a sin.
Jim: As I recall, Kimmi, my dad often violated the third commandment as it relates to my inexperience in properly holding a flashlight.
Jared28: any curse or negative voice toward man is sinful.
Jim Patrick: Samuel Jackson is definitely screwed. The words I listed are all man made.
Matt Moderator: And God created man.
Jim Patrick: And man created the 72" plasma display television; perhaps if man does more good, (and, trust me, 72" tv's are great) it evens out or am I missing something here?
Kimmi: I think as long as you don't use those words in a hateful way it's all good.
Jim Patrick: Then I'm safe, I just use them recreationally. Whew.
Jared28: We'll find out when Jesus returns.
Jim: When?
Matt Moderator: Amen Jared. And no one knows when.
Jim: I believe that's because he was a carpenter...an independent contractor. No one EVER knows when contractors will return.
Kimmi: HA
Jim: I think you meant HAllelujah.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
User: Jim Patrick has logged in: Who wants to see a Dick pic?
Kimmi: What???
Jim: My dad's best friend, Dick (and, I'm not making his name up) Weisihinkle. We took him for early dinner to Golden Corral. He's old and, clearly, doesn't place any level of priority on food quality so long as it's served by 4pm.
Kimmi: LOL.
Matt Moderator: Is this for real?
Jim: Yep, Golden Corral is, oddly, real, according to Jeff Foxworthy.
So is Dick-- he looks like a storybook character now that I think about it. I believe that the proper German pronunciation of "W" in Weisihinkle is phonetically with a "V" If it were me I'd just pronounce it Jones. I included Dick in the first book I ever wrote.
Kimmi: About what?
Jim: Applied Mathematics-- it's a southern home cooking recipe book.
Jared28: Lol...I'd like a copy.
Jim: Sure thing Jared28. May I call you 28? I'm lazy and don't feel like lobbing a stale Subway/pedophile joke toward you.
Jared28: 28 is cool.
Jim: Since we all seem to be losing at life on a perfectly good Friday night while most people are engaged in normal activities such as drinking, smoking, using drugs, fornicating and general fun stuff, I'm on the Jesus chat room.
Matt Moderator: I wouldn't say most ppl.
Jim: You're correct, just the four of us; I'd be one of the fun majority if it weren't for this pesky head cold...except for the drug use. I don't want to anger Nancy Reagan.
Kimmi: Why are YOU here on a Friday night?
Jim: I'm assisting a young neighbor/friend with a paper and I figured an evangelical site might be of value in my research.
Matt Moderator: On what?
Jim: Connotations/evolution of English language dirty words vs Christian belief regarding their sinful designation.
Jared28: Which words?
Jim: I'll be as delicate as possible, specifically: fuck, cock, shit, cockhead, tittie, motherfucker, douche canoe, shitbag, cunt, tittie monster and, my personal favorite, eat a bowl of shit, you douche canoe cockhead tittie monster cock mother fucking fuck. Sorry for not appropriately using hyphens. I also avoided using the C word twice because it generally causes women to hate me much more than they already do.
Kimmi: uh...
Matt Moderator: What is your neighbor majoring in???
Jim: By all evidence, sleeping and drinking Diet Coke. She's in the 6th grade.
Jared28: WHAT???
Matt Moderator: Read the book of Ephesians.
Jim: The Bible scares me-- I'm a militant conservationist and often ponder how Noah returned polar bears back from central Turkey to the North Pole, etc. That book of the bible seems incomplete-- much like the conclusion of each episode of The Blacklist.
Kimmi: Yur crazy, but that made me laugh. The only thing mentioned in the bible is taking God's name in vain..that's a sin.
Jim: As I recall, Kimmi, my dad often violated the third commandment as it relates to my inexperience in properly holding a flashlight.
Jared28: any curse or negative voice toward man is sinful.
Jim Patrick: Samuel Jackson is definitely screwed. The words I listed are all man made.
Matt Moderator: And God created man.
Jim Patrick: And man created the 72" plasma display television; perhaps if man does more good, (and, trust me, 72" tv's are great) it evens out or am I missing something here?
Kimmi: I think as long as you don't use those words in a hateful way it's all good.
Jim Patrick: Then I'm safe, I just use them recreationally. Whew.
Jared28: We'll find out when Jesus returns.
Jim: When?
Matt Moderator: Amen Jared. And no one knows when.
Jim: I believe that's because he was a carpenter...an independent contractor. No one EVER knows when contractors will return.
Kimmi: HA
Jim: I think you meant HAllelujah.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
Another Year In The Can...
I rarely write about New Orleans in general. But, with the assault of sappy year-end retrospectives, I couldn't resist. I'm hoping that Anderson Cooper or Carson Daily might host the TV version. Here's a glance at 2015...
In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again. We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence. He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo. (Murder rate hits 45)
April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven. Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton. (Murder rate hits 57)
May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single. The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday). Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo. (Murder rate hits 73)
June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted. Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts. Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies. (Murder rate hits 92)
Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans. Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi. A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.) Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa. New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest. (Murder rate hits 120)
September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy. In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension. The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas. (Murder rate climbs to 131)
Tricks for treats...it's October! Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen. Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette. Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge. (Murder rate hits 146)
November leftovers anyone? Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders. Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.
HoHoHO! According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids. Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins. Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown. (Murder rate hits 164)
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015 All Rights Reserved
In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again. We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence. He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo. (Murder rate hits 45)
April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven. Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton. (Murder rate hits 57)
May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single. The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday). Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo. (Murder rate hits 73)
June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted. Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts. Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies. (Murder rate hits 92)
Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans. Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi. A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.) Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa. New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest. (Murder rate hits 120)
September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy. In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension. The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas. (Murder rate climbs to 131)
Tricks for treats...it's October! Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen. Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette. Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge. (Murder rate hits 146)
November leftovers anyone? Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders. Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.
HoHoHO! According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids. Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins. Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown. (Murder rate hits 164)
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015 All Rights Reserved
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