What a great weekend I had visiting with friends- no work, abandoning healthy eating habits for New Orleans culinary fare. By the way, a friend of mine thinks he’s eating healthy by ordering cooked veggie plates. (Insert hysterical laughter here) I haven’t the heart to tell him that it’s simmered in a stick of butter and a half pound of bacon grease…there‘s a REASON those greens taste so good my friend.
I can’t comprehend my buddy’s guilt laden mindset where food is concerned. My point being that if you’re not eating the guilty pleasures in life everyday, you’ll be okay. As for me, when I dive off the food wagon I do it right. As a matter of fact, I’m hoping for a New Orleans chef to blaze a trail and devise a way to make my favorite dishes portable- Crawfish Monica, with a side of Boudin and fried shrimp…all on a giant stick. Even better? The STICK is edible! Made out of aged, twisted beef jerky and served by bikini clad women! The Man Vs. Food guy couldn't handle this dish. This has Nobel Prize written ALL over it.
A great weekend indeed…
For someone with no intimate history, one might discount the pain which had found me in the wee hours of Monday morning as a penance for a weekend of fast-living. Others might find it downright terrifying, as did I many years ago…not this time, this was a familiar road.
This night found me sitting on the floor, against the wall, waiting for a handful of aspirin to take hold, slowly coming to grips with a demon which, fortunately for me, only comes calling (on average) about every 6 or 7 years. A Cluster Headache. The opening salvo to a few weeks of impending dread and a carefully altered lifestyle.
I'll get to some nonsense in a sec, but first: From those who clinically document it in reference material:
It‘s nicknamed "the suicide headache," a neurological disease which involves, as its most prominent feature, an immense degree of pain. "Cluster" refers to the tendency of these headaches to occur periodically, with active periods interrupted by spontaneous remissions. The onset usually occurs with about 5-minutes lead time with the headache lasting from 15-minutes to 3 or more hours with a debilitating effect. The cause of the disease is currently unknown (although I suspect that my editor, Mike, has much to do with it.) Cluster Headaches affect approximately 0.1% of the population, and men are more commonly affected than women- although women who suffer describe the pain as more intense than that of natural childbirth.
I’ve never given birth, but I’ll take the ladies for their word on this. I've broken several bones throughout my body and can assure you that a broken bone, no matter WHICH bone it is, feels better by comparison. I compare it to what I imagine a hot ice pick being jammed into the side of your skull would feel like. That’s never happened to me either but, should I ever find myself keeping company with a psychopathic killer, I will request that he use this method in killing me so that I might finally be able to confirm my analogy.
As a close second on the pain comparison scale, it also shoots pain through your head much like when your significant other asks: “Would you like to go to Brian and Jennifer’s house warming party?”
People actually commit suicide while suffering from these things- not from Brian and Jennifer‘s house warming party, not that I that I know of. I say that there are a hundred better reasons to kill yourself other than a headache (Now you have a rudimentary understanding as to why they wouldn’t allow me to volunteer for the crisis hotline a few months ago.)
No worries for me in the suicide department, I would miss baseball, Saints and Titans football too much…the only thing which makes me want to jump off a building is the sound of my editor’s voice, America’s Got Talent and my friend Todd‘s wife. (In no particular order.)
I’m not sharing this little slice of my world for pity, I’m doing so in order to raise slight awareness, as there are numerous neurological professionals who are trying to unlock the mystery behind this ailment for those who lead a non-stop debilitating life because of it. Incidentally, a gentleman by the name of Dr. David Kudrow, Lisa Kudrow’s (of Friends fame) brother, is considered a leading authority.
Currently, there is no known cure or effective treatment.
I knew a guy who suffered chronically, almost every single day! I can’t imagine…but I can certainly understand how the pain might make someone suicidal. For me, many years pass in between “episodes,” and for that, I am thankful.
When I told a friend of mine that I was going to write something lighthearted about the past two weeks of pain she couldn’t imagine any such angle. I told her that last night I turned down 2 free shots of whiskey…she laughed hysterically…my work here is finished, and I take a bow.
Drinking is unwise during a cluster period, unless you’d like to end up in the fetal position of a random corner wishing for the comfort of sweet death…such as a typical evening for my friend Todd at his house.
The first time I had a bout with the evil Cluster was about 18-years ago on vacation with a buddy of mine. Since I had absolutely no history of headaches the doctor hooked me up to every machine imaginable and ordered a CAT scan. 18-years ago they were difficult to diagnose, unlike today. Finally, a good ol’ general practice doc diagnosed what he’d only read about in a text book.
Stress typically exacerbates the pain- fortunately, my headache bout occurred during a stress-free two weeks.
Monday:
After writhing in pain until 4am, finally get to sleep for three hours before beginning my day.
Receive a call from my editor, who tells me that no one is able to work today and he needs help. I’m not sure how five people suddenly call out of work; perhaps they were killed in a freak hot air balloon accident while sipping champagne and eating cheese high above the city. I wrap my head in ice packs and begin writing assignments while scanning the news channels for news of any freak hot air balloon catastrophes.
Tuesday:
After writhing in pain until 5am, finally get to sleep for two hours before beginning my day.
Receive a call from my storage facility out of state informing me that they are significantly raising the rates. Make a decision to take a road trip in order to vacate the facility. A simple enough task, since there are only 850-thousand items in my storage rooms.
Wednesday:
After writhing in pain ALL night and much of the morning- with about 30-minutes of sleep- begin my day.
Prep for the road trip, eat lunch, writhe in pain for about 2-hours, take a nap. Wake up at 2pm, go to the corner pub to watch a little ESPN news to divert attention from the pain- until the guy who has clearly been drinking non-stop (since last Wednesday) decides to engage me in a political conversation. I concoct the best “go away” story I can fathom in order to firmly draw the curtain of silence. I announced that I am feeling a bit pensive after returning from a special assignment overseas covering a story about a rare, highly contagious, virus which had eradicated an entire village due to massive bleeding from their eyeballs and anus. Believe me when I tell you that drunk people are incredibly stupid. He finally slides from his stool and plays Pearl Jam on the jukebox...
Writhe in pain for a few hours before drifting in and out of sleep.
Thursday:
A pain-free morning!
Begin the 8-hour road trip, which was punctuated by numerous car problems and Interstate mishaps. Still no headache!
Friday:
Take care of storage facility issue, paying a $600 fee to close out my contract and set up moving process (for the low cost of $2000.) Do a shot of whiskey- writhe in pain for about 3-hours.
Saturday:
With the business at hand behind me, decide to enjoy a day and evening with long lost friends, including a longtime female friend who tells me that she and two other lady friends plan to skinny-dip in the swimming pool later. Suddenly my head feels much better, until the group decides that we should go to a karaoke bar.
As I sat at the table listening to three women butcher “Sweet Caroline” all I can remember thinking is that if I had a time machine I would go back to the day that Neil Diamond wrote that song and beg him to not write a second verse so that the song would end faster. Knowing that wasn’t possible, I then prayed for a runaway freight train to hit the building.
11:00pm- Cursing the day I was born as I writhed in pain to the sounds of swimming pool splashing and giggling taking place outside the window.
A stress-free first week indeed.
My second week was somewhat less stressful, with the exception of having to actually go INTO the office and visit with the powers that be, et al. I liken this to being punched by a 5-time heavyweight champion boxer directly in the ass…I’m not talking about the cheeks either.
Speaking of which, fortunately, there IS a drug which greatly offsets the pain of a Cluster headache. Unfortunately, it is only available in suppository form. This is, yet, another glaring example of why I could never be gay.
By the end of week number two, the movers had delivered and unloaded the contents of my storage containers. As I emerged from a 13-hour nap, after writhing in pain for 6-hours, I received a call from one of the movers informing me that my ex was there and wondered if she could have two champagne flutes that were amongst the storage belongings. As I lay there, with my head against a block of ice, shoving suppositories in my ass, I literally threatened to kill him if he called back.
After the pain subsided, I decided that some food might do me some good, since I hadn’t eaten in about 24-hours.
There are certain foods which one must avoid when suffering during a Cluster headache period so as not to trigger an attack. The good news is that it’s not an overly restrictive list. A partially inclusive list of no-no’s include:
All fast food, all home cooked food, people who have come into contact with food, pizza, chocolate, bread, salt, pepper, garlic, vegetables, meat, vitamin supplements, drinking from cups, touching champagne flutes, cheese (and all dairy products), eggs, seafood, Mexican food, Chinese food, Japanese food, pasta, chips, nuts, deli products, tofu, fruit, casually glancing at restaurant menus, ice and water. Fortunately Gummie Lifesavers, crack cocaine and coffee are permitted.
I suppose the dietary list doesn’t matter much anyway, since the appetite tends to ebb during the headache period. I’ve lost 5-pounds- bringing me down to 150- which means I now qualify for American Idol tryouts. Always looking for the positive, yes indeed.
You’re not supposed to smoke during a Cluster episodic period, so I just ate cigarettes, since they’re not listed on the restrictive food list.
After more than two weeks of these headaches the pain has slowly, but surely, begun to subside and I’m feeling much more like myself.
I am a firm believer in lightening situations by poking a little fun, but the truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. I also am thankful that it’s just Cluster headaches, as I am acutely aware that there are many more incurable, life-threatening illnesses.
I suppose that I primarily wanted to write something in order to communicate a word or two to a small circle of immensely dear friends in my life…
For those who find themselves in the company of someone who is in a full Cluster seizure, I feel overwhelmingly thankful and sympathetic at the same time. I’m told that it stirs emotions of fear and unparalleled helplessness for those who witness an attack. I can lay assurances that, even though there’s not much that a by-stander can do, simply being there is an enormous comfort which cannot be fully expressed in words. And to those people (you know who you are) I love you.
And now, feeling much better, I shall enjoy a shot of Irish whiskey…in a chilled champagne flute.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
