The Chief Operating Officer regularly tasked me with crafting his company memos. We’ll call him Bob. (Not his real name) His real name is Robert.
I’ve never understood how you get Bob from Robert or Jack from John. For that matter, HOW do you get DICK out of RICHARD???
(Editor’s Note: The previous question obviously did not come out the way James/Jim intended)
On one such occasion, the ownership had decided to “Make some difficult changes.” Translation: Several employees would likely be getting drunk tonight as they stare at their shiny new pink slips; plotting strategies for killing the rest of us.
BOB understood that the chief could be a pro-employee leader so long as one hires excellent employees who get the job done. The ownership, however, often times tortured baby seals, kittens and regularly had sexual relations with Satan himself. Ooops…as a former communications director, I meant to write:
“Corporations must make tough decisions during tough times. Regrettably, these decisions sometimes adversely affect valued employees. The Board of Directors appreciates the dedicated service put forth by hard working men and women and will do everything possible to bring them back into service in the future as necessity dictates. In the meantime, please rest assured that this company stands behind these employees in their future endeavors and stands ready to offer the highest of recommendations which might assist in securing employment elsewhere. The owners also regularly have romantic, physical interludes with a certain banished dark angel.”
Bob asked me to craft a memo which would explain these cutbacks while conveying deep regret and strong support held for all affected parties. Reeeeeallly? It’s important to note that he didn’t buy into the decision from above either and only shared that bit of dissension with ME-- he fought a good fight with little recognition. Here's a copy of the draft that I crafted for our embattled COO.
To: All Staff
From: Bob
Re: I’m being held hostage at gunpoint…Please call the police!!
Over the past year, we have made great strides in improving many aspects of our business and are performing well to plan. However, we must continually look for ways to increase productivity and efficiency for the future (stand-by for specifics on how you will be screwed)
We strive for success at any and all cost. Actually, cost is a dirty word because it means spending money…which is very bad!!
With that in mind, we are restructuring select support functions to better align with our business needs which will propel the owners to a position of rooting out and destroying anyone who takes pride in their work.
(Here comes the porno "money shot") Beginning Monday, we will operate without approximately 100 people who are currently on our payroll.
It appears that we can operate just fine with less people. ("Less is More" according to our consultant who lives 8-thousand miles from here and comes down from the mountain once per year for the sole purpose of making diminutive middle managers wash his car and to impart nuggets of advice, eat at 5-star restaurants on the company card and hire escorts from the Bang-Kok Spa.)
These cuts will also significantly reduce the dating pool for our nymphomaniac VP of Programming, according to our HR director.
In the absence of enough employees to provide quality service, we will work smarter and “condition” our clients to expect less so that their lowered expectations will become the new “norm.” Sort of the way OPEC did with oil so that each of us now feel ecstatic when we find fuel for $4.40 per gallon. Now THAT‘S smart!!
With that said, it is never good news to announce layoffs but, with college graduation season upon us, we can hire FOUR grossly unqualified employees who will do anything we ask them to do; they won’t do it well but they'll work for HALF the salary!
During this adjustment period, we MUST join together and adapt to an ever changing landscape. Together, we can and WILL make it happen. Remember, "There is NO I in team!" Primarily because the first round of layoffs only covered the letters A-H. We'll get to I thru R employees just before Christmas.
The personal hardship that this will cause for many of our associates makes these very difficult decisions and I personally will live in fear that my car will explode each time I turn the ignition.
**As a reminder from the last cutbacks, please refrain from urinating on the CEO’s Lexus.
This decision is necessary for our business and one executive who plans to take his new girlfriend on a six-week tour of China next month-- he also just purchased a pet giraffe for his youngest son. These things are not cheap**. Nor are our legal team, who tirelessly defends sexual harassment allegations against the VP of Programming.
**One must hire a professional trainer when purchasing a pet giraffe
You also should know that company values continue to guide its actions…
we have a lot more money now, and THAT’S valuable.
We will especially miss Cynthia and her short skirts, low-cut tops and her aversion to wearing underwear. That being said, Cynthia will stay on in a part-time capacity as the break room greeter and all other impacted associates will be offered job placement assistance in order to avoid having this building blown up by an improvised explosive device.
We are a strong company and we’re taking necessary actions to make us even stronger-- rebuilding a better and faster company…kind of like the Six-Million Dollar Man. Only we could have built the Bionic Man, Woman AND Dog for about 10-thousand dollars by outsourcing to Indians. (Not the casino owners, the Dell customer support Indians)
I’m pleased to announce that, replacing an incredibly competent Sales Director of 15 years, Brad, the sycophant, effeminate heterosexual from the second floor, begins his new position on Monday. Bradley is a happily married father of two children (Bette and Wynonna) and only hangs out in the gay bar because it’s closest to his house and they offer a karaoke night each week. (Wink)
As you adjust to the new 85-hour work week, please know that you are doing your part in stimulating the economy and winning the War on Terror®
Again, remember, there is no "I" in TEAM, there is, however, an "I" in W.I.C. Which reminds me--The HR Director is available to assist you in applying for food stamps this afternoon on the 6th floor.
Upon emailing this draft to the COO he sent me a return note:
“Please tell me you are NOT serious.”
Why do so many conversations with me begin with that phrase?? That will be most unhelpful should I ever find myself informing those around me that I’m choking, having a heart attack or being attacked by a bear.
Truisms in the office environment are fun:
“We’re moving in a different direction”
Translation: “YOU will be moving in a different direction…WE, on the other hand, are going to do things the same…without YOU.”
“Leaving to pursue other interests”
This would be an accurate statement if the employee’s “other interests” include:
a) Waking up to find out that they no longer have a job
b) Drinking heavily in order to allay the emotional impact of losing
his/her job
c) Living in a cardboard box under an Interstate overpass
d) Eventually performing sexual favors or donating platelets for money
Exit interviews are also a waste of time. I know what an exit interview is, as I've conducted them before and have been on the receiving end just prior to my “Leaving to pursue other interests.” To sum up an exit interview:
Manager: Do you have any of our door keys?
Employee: (Hands over his/her keys)
Manager: Your insurance will be covered for the next 60-days upon which you may opt to extend via COBRA for approximately $420-thousand dollars per month. (Not including the prescription medicine program)
Employee: (Awkward silence)
Manager: (Awkward silence)Are you sure you returned all of your keys?
The company Christmas party is, typically, an accident waiting to happen.
TIS' THE SEASON!!! It's time for the annual HOLIDAY party!
Please circle your dinner selection and RSVP by Monday.
Ho Ho Ho!!!!
(No offense to Cynthia)
Ho Ho Ho!!!!
(No offense to Cynthia)
The correct way to fill out the Christmas party RSVP is to do a shot of whiskey and then burn the invitation...along with your house. Then enter the witness relocation program and move to another country.
I can put on a holiday CD and provide myself with a choice of beef, chicken or fish and inadequate feelings about where my life went askew in the comfort of my own home…without regret the following morning**
**Presumably I will not be waking up next to Cynthia
Honestly, WHO wants to wake up the following morning with the shame which looms over the foggy mind in the aftermath of the dreaded company Christmas party?
Meghan: Oh God!! What happened last night?
Me: You got pretty drunk and danced in the ballroom foyer wearing nothing but your panties and bra and fell into the Christmas tree.
Meghan: Seriously???
Me: You had on a Santa hat, so I think that makes it okay. Uh, and you also kissed Bradley on the mouth.
Meghan: I thought he was gay??
Me: He was drunk last night too.
Meghan: Oh my GOD!!! Did I kiss Cynthia???
Me: She kissed you. It's on You Tube.
Finally, one of my favorites is the game of “telephone." The genesis of the office rumor mill. An untamed beast-- borne of pure misinterpretation and embellishment.
Scenario: Julia, the college intern, comes to work feeling a bit under the weather due to an upset stomach from ordering takeout Chinese food last evening while babysitting Bradley‘s kids.
She informs one of her co-workers in the break room, unaware that another co-worker, Michelle, is listening in on the conversation.
Thomas: Wow, Julia doesn’t look like she’s feeling well today.
Michelle: Yeah, she’s feeling nauseous today. Something about Chinese takeout and Brad’s baby.
Andrea: Hey, is Julia here yet?
Thomas: Yeah, she’s not feeling well…something about Chinese and being nauseous...oh, and a baby.
Christine: Hey, did you hear about Julia?
Andrea: Yeah, I heard she might be pregnant. AND, she was at Bradley’s house last night too, according to what I heard. They had some Chinese man there too!
Christine: Oh my God!! I KNEW Brad was gay!
Andrea: Maybe that explains the Chinese man.
Phillip: Hey, did you hear anything about that cute intern and Brad having a “thing”??
Christine: Not only did I hear THAT…I heard she might be pregnant…from a Chinese man!!
Wendy: Hey, I just saw Julia throwing up in the women’s room…is she okay??
Christine: She’s pregnant AND she’s sleeping with BRAD...AND they diddled some Won Ton balls...if ya' know what I mean!
Wendy: I KNEW Brad was gay.
Christine: He’s married.
Wendy: To a woman??
Josh: Hey, did you happen to hear anything about Brad having sex with a Chinese restaurant delivery boy??
Tammi: No, but I heard that he and Julia had a 3-way last night in the bathroom of a Chinese take-out place. Kinky!!!
Josh: Brad’s straight?
HR Manager: We’ve got a problem.
CEO: With what?
HR Manager: Well, Julia apparently is having sex with her manager, Brad, and now she might be pregnant. Word is ALL over the office!
CEO: Brad is straight??
HR Manager: It gets worse. Brad is married and apparently running a black market Chinese baby adoption ring.
CEO: Brad's MARRIED? To a WOMAN?
HR Manager: Sir...why is Cynthia under your desk?
CEO: Uh, she was looking for her contact lens. Listen...we can't have a major scandal like this. We'll include Brad in the next round of layoffs next month.
Yes indeed...the workplace is an interesting snapshot of a lab test gone wrong but it makes for a compelling reason to get out of bed each day. With that in mind, get up, go forth and...laugh.
After all, where else can you find a front row seat to such silliness AND receive a 401k?
As for me? I have a plane to catch. I’m taking up temporary residence in Honduras before the Halloween party invitations are issued.
Editor’s Note: Welcome to my world. (Michael: "The Editor")
Author's Note: This is dedicated to "Hard Hat" Dave. No cubicle could contain you as YOUR office was the world. A world which you helped to build, literally. I shall miss our conversations and your perspective. You will be missed.
