One of my friends had been feeling under the weather so I sent her a text message, asking the following:
U feeling better 2day? Still comin out?
A few minutes passed when I received her response:
Y Xzzz Omw
If you don’t know what the above abbreviation is, you can either sit back and feel as though the world of technology has passed you by or go pry a 10-year old away from their X-Box and ask them.
Fortunately, I was able to figure it out somehow, with the exception of Xzzz.
My friend's text translates to:
Yes. Extra sleep, on my way
And, according to my electronic translator, it’s also a vulgar word in Mandarin Chinese.
I’m all about shortcuts which save a step or two…or nine. Those who have mastered the art of paving the way for as much discretionary time as possible, facilitating more time to take part in meaningless, non productive activities, are my heroes. If said activities are reckless in nature and include nudity, count me in. **
**Ref Note: I’ve saved all of my exit interviews, employee separation notices and school transcripts, lending credibility to the above statement
I sent my friend a return text, informing her that I had secured a table for the game and congratulated her on her impressive savings of 12 letters…and for possibly offending 1.3 billion Chinese people.
I’m not an old man and I’m fairly tech savvy, but text abbreviations have gotten a bit out of hand if you ask me. I DO know the meaning of the standard abbreviations:
BRB
TTYL
DEF
BTW
WTF
FDIC, EEOC, GMAC, NAACP, Wii, AARP, Nascar, NFL
And, of course, my personal favorite:
ATIOSNF SLNNSLNPP WSAZRQIDPSLLVCKDWR
I’ll let you look that one up on ur…oops, your own.
Last night I was talking with a friend via text and it went something like this:
Chris:
Omg! I just won $1k on a lotto scratch off!
Jim:
Very nice! BTW I believe that the letter “g” should be capitalized when referring to a deity.
Chris:
Oh yeah?
Jim:
Well, at least when referencing Christianity’s God. In such case the word god is a proper noun.
Chris:
Ok...so it's OMG!
Jim:
Not so fast...It just occurred to me…you and I have never really discussed religious views…for all I know, your non capitalization of “G” in god might be correct if you worship a non traditional god…such as Dionysus.
Chris:
WHO?
Jim:
Using ALL caps for WHO indicates an acronym for the World Health Organization. Anyway, Dionysus, the god of wine, parties, festivals, madness, drunkenness and pleasure. If he ran a Taco Bell that would complete the heavenly circle!! As far as gods are concerned, this guy is a non stop happy hour. Imagine how much fun it would be to hang out with Dionysus!!!! Especially if topless dancers followed him around! OMG! I mean...OMD!!!
Chris:
Were you beaten, tortured and locked in the closet a lot as a kid?
Jim:
What do my experiences staying at uncle Leonard's house have to do with anything?
Chris:
Hehehe. Funny!
Jim:
Not when you’re 12. Hey, can I borrow some of your winnings for my therapy session on Tuesday?
I also see absolutely no need for sending a response which simply says “OK” unless it is clearly necessary:
Example:
John Doe:
Hey wanna meet up before the show at 6pm?
Jane Doe:
Sure, just let me know where and I'll meet ya then
John Doe:
I'll meet you at The Kerry on Decatur St. See ya' then.
Jane Doe:
OK
WRONG!!
And now, the correct usage of the "OK" text...
Hey, what is the postal abbreviation for the state of Oklahoma?
When questions are answered or plans confirmed succinctly, it seems to me that an “Ok” text is not only a waste of time, but a distraction…especially when I have to divert my attention from the roadway while driving-- because I'm not completely comfortable with running over a vagrant or too many animals.
On that topic-- I don’t like to text while driving. I save my drive time to eat a rack of BBQ ribs. Besides, texting while driving is illegal...as should be comfort food, based on my recent physical.
The text conversation which won’t end is a lovely little slice of 21st century insanity. They usually begin with the question which makes me want to gouge my eyes out:
Whatcha doin? :)
I can immediately sense that these text conversations will likely outlast the existence of the universe. It will be a series of back and forth, which could be easily covered in two or three transmissions:
Me:
Well...I'm sending a text back to you at the moment.
Morgan:
Er...I meant before that. Lol!
Jim:
I was actually waiting for your text to ask me "whatcha doin." It's a slow day.
Morgan:
Very funny. You wanna meet up after work and catch up over drinks...haven't chatted with ya in a while
Jim:
Sure...I'll meet you around 6p at Finn McCool's
Morgan:
In Mid-City?
Jim:
No, the one in Belfast, Ireland. Do you have a passport? BTW, They're 6-hours ahead of us.
Morgan:
See you in Mid City. So...how've u been doin? Anything new and exciting in the works??
Jim:
I'm well...yes, something brand new and exciting actually. I'm meeting up with you at Finn's at 6.
Morgan:
Very funny. See you at 6.
Jim:
OK
Sexting has become quite the cellular phenomenon. I went out with a girl, Alicia, for a short while who loved to engage in the occasional "sext" message. I don’t think I’m very good at it actually.
I've tried to take the sexy, provocative cell cam picture and it usually looks pretty stupid. No matter how sexy the pose, there's nothing natural or sexy looking about someone taking a self picture with their arm extended outward (to take the pic) as though they're trying to block a pass from Kobe Bryant.
I usually don't aim the phone correctly anyway and end up with a beautiful shot of the lamp or the wall behind me.
BTW...no matter how sexy the shot, when taking a dirty cell phone picture, it's important to know the landscape in the frame. A half naked body shot with a lovely framed portrait of your 900-year old grandparents on the nightstand in the background is NOT sexy.
One day my phone beeped and, out of the blue, there it was…a very suggestive picture from Alicia, with the caption:
“And what are YOU wearing? LOL!”
Me:
A pair of jeans, a white tee-shirt, a belt, boxer shorts, Doc Martins and a Red Sox cap.
Alicia:
LOL! Uh, I wasn’t being literal. Did you like the pic?
Me:
I did indeed. Can I show it to Jeff?
Alicia:
Um, NO! So…do U have a pic to send? xoxo
Me:
Sure…
Alicia:LoL! Who IS that??? I meant, do you have something a little more "R" Rated to send?
Me:Oh…sorry, how bout this?
Alicia:Um…I meant more like explicit in HUMAN nature...Lol!
Me:
Alicia:
Uh, how about we go with something a bit more daring. Something you wouldn't just show to everyone.
Me:
HAHA! Very daring…but I’m thinking more like a REAL human pic. Something dirty. :)
Me:
Alicia:
How about one of YOU?? Something suggestive...with YOU in it.
Jim:Oh, now I understand...How about this?
Alicia:WTF??
Jim:
It is suggestive in that the photo “suggests” that I am about to do harm to this defenseless little kitty cat.
Alicia:
How bout we skip the pics for now and, since you’re a writer, why don’t you just write something sexy. Cute cat btw.
Jim:
Ok, here goes... I would never, of course, do harm to a kitty cat. I love kitty cats…I enjoy petting them, loving them and kissing them. I especially love having a kitty cat straddling my lap, by the fireplace on a chilly evening, on the sofa, on the floor, on the staircase...anyplace actually. As kitties go, sometimes they jump off my lap after they feel that they need a break, but they always come back...sometimes three of four times. Which is fine with me...because I am always up for accommodating the kitty cat several times per day if necessary.
Alicia:
Huh??
Jim:
That was euphemism sex-talk. Pretty good huh? Now I'm really worked UP! How bout U?
I don't hear from Alicia anymore...I suppose she's a dog lover.
Perhaps everyone has someone in their world who can only be classified as the impatient texter. These are people who send a text and, when you don't respond within about 1/1000th of a second, they exhibit bruised or apprehensive feelings. OMg!!
1:32pm
Stephen: Hey, we're all goin to the game tonight...I've got an extra tkt. Wanna go?
1:32pm
Stephen: You get my text?
1:33pm
Stephen: U mad about something?
1:35pm
Jim: I'm not mad. I'm upset about plenty of things though. I wish my neighbor would disrobe in front of her window more often. I'm not thrilled about health care reform or the current state of backbiting in Washington. I also hate that they only have the loaded potato soup at the deli when I don't want it. I wish I had x-ray vision. I hate it when I go to the restroom and come back to find that someone is in my seat. I wish that Nickelback's bus would careen from a cliff...with them on it. I don't like cauliflower or my editor, Mike. Actually, if I were forced at gunpoint to eat cauliflower in order to make Mike go away, I'd be more amiable to cauliflower. Oh, I also wish that I had a million dollars...but I don't. Which makes me mad.
1:36pm
Stephen: Uh...ok. You want to go to the game?
1:36pm
Jim: I'd love to go. Sorry for the 3 minute delay in getting back with you.
I write a lot of silliness, but, then again, I enjoy a lot of silliness…whether it’s in person, in writing or via text. No matter what anyone tells you, LOL is good for the soul. Even when you’re under the weather:
Jim: Ugh. I feel like crap.
Amanda: Stopping at the store. You need me to bring you anything before I head home? Soup, medicine?
Jim: Yes, cough syrup, please.
Amanda: Sure. Anything else?
Jim: Thanks, nah, that's all I need. Unless you're in the mood to pull an armed heist. In such case, I could use about 8 or 9-thousand dollars. I’m not greedy.
Amanda: I knew I should have packed heat tonight
Jim: Oh, and some thongs and a basketball. I'm going thru a bit of a fetish stage.
Amanda: Leather, silk, or lace?
Jim: Barbed wire
Amanda: K. I'll pick up some Bactine too
Hehehe. Truly the best medicine if you ask me. BTW…my latest cell phone bill:
Message from AT & T Wireless--Text Package Includes: 3,000 texts
Text Usage: 8,009
O M
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
