Happy Birthday (and other reasons why I'm asked to leave a lot of parties)

As I've been editing my next full-length story, my attention was captured by the "Birthday" icon which pops up on Facebook.

A dear writer friend of mine is celebrating a birthday today and I didn't want to be the lone jackass who didn't take a moment to dispatch a sentiment on her special day. 

Since I'm not one for posting the polite, but easy, birthday wish, I decided to share a birthday love story. 

The email is posted below:

I happen to know that you’re a voracious reader. And, as I’m suffering from writer’s block, I was tempted to bang out the traditional “quick hit” (Happy B’Day!) sentiments.

After careful consideration, I decided to share a little birthday story about a friend of mine.

We’ll call him Terrence. Primarily, because that’s his real name.


Terrence happens to share the same birthday as you, April 4th! Since I’m reeeally bad with remembering dates, this makes it easy to remember YOUR special day.

Yes indeed, April 4th…The same day in which the world was introduced to the delightfully splendid force which embodies the fortunate existence of YOU!

For Terrence, it wasn’t such a happy day at all.

You see, Terrence struggled for money over a better part of his life until, one day, it all turned around when he hit the Deuces Wild poker machine for $1,500 at a Mid City bar.

He employed the financial logic to which many New Orleanians subscribe; he threw caution to the wind by forgoing basic physical and discretionary necessities in life…

Food
Shelter
Children’s school tuition
Water
Dancing With The Stars
Glee

He inserted his entire paycheck into a poker machine.

Upon collecting his unexpected reward, Terrence tipped the bartender and did what anyone who comes into a large sum of money would do…he purchased a hooker at the corner of Tulane and South Cortez Street.

Shanda** and Terrence hit it off quite famously!

**Note: Not her real name-- In the interest of protecting her customers; including an unnamed United States Senator from Louisiana. (Which rhymes with “Twitter’)

Due to some wise investments on Terrence’s part and Shanda’s booming business (She’s really good at what she does…Um, I’ve been told) the happy, entrepreneurial couple lived a comfortable lifestyle.

They decided to reward themselves by taking a long overdue vacation to Venice, Italy for Terrence‘s birthday.

At this point, It’s important to note TWO characteristics about Terrence:

He’s 6-foot 4-inches in height and weighs about 128-pounds.**

**Picture a pool cue with a head, ears and big feet. Oh, and a really dumb looking moustache and eyeglasses.

He also has a wandering eye…especially for ladies in low-cut blouses.

As Terrance and Shanda enjoyed a birthday gondola ride through the serene and romantic waterways of Venice, a lovely young woman caught his eye from the top of a levee.

Sadly, in the absence of his forward attention, Terrence was instantly decapitated by a waterway bridge on this magical day…the date of birth which you both share.

Shanda was horrified as she held Terrence’s severed head in her bloody lap.

She quickly scrambled to the back of the gondola, trying to escape in Jacqueline Kennedy fashion, as the row-master frantically tried to pull her back into the boat.

In the tussle, Terrence’s head accidentally dropped to the boat deck and bounced over the edge into the magnificently, mystical Venetian canal where it was immediately eaten by a school of hunger ravaged intra-coastal sea bass.

Since I am a well known animal lover, Terrence had always made it perfectly clear that custody of his beloved Weiner dog (Beanie) be turned over to me. He also left me his pornographic DVD collection.

In other birthday news, sadly, Beanie passed away this morning at 7am.

He was struck by a Zapp’s Potato Chip delivery truck as he was doing his business on the corner of South Broad and Canal Street.

Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your celebrations. By the way, I have a real bizarre story to share with you when I see you later this evening.

In the meantime, I bid you sincere wishes for a happy birthday.