Sign On The Dotted Line...Please???

I’m so happy that I have friends who are able to get through another day without stabbing me to death and then lighting my dead body on fire and tossing it into the swamp.

Today, Amanda has proven her unswerving friendship…also known as lack of desire to commit premeditated homicide. 

There’s only one thing which makes me want to remove my testicles with a pair of those rounded, dull edged Play-School scissors-- That would be having to conduct official business of any sort.


I like to ease myself into the day.  Even though it sometimes takes about 2 or 3 days to prime myself to conduct any sort of measurable social or business interaction, it’s a scientific process.


Last week I was extremely busy with an important project (watching Judge Greg Mathis and The People’s Court on television) when Amanda engaged me in the following text message chat about some sort of paper that required my signature:


Amanda:
1:37pm
Hey, the project contract needs to be notarized and you need to sign it in their presence. I dropped it off at a notary near your house. Can you run by and sign it? Just leave it with the girl and I’ll pick it up later.


Me:
1:39pm
Certainly. Is the girl attractive?


Amanda:
1:40pm
This is important…will you PLEASE go sign it today??


Me:
1:43pm
I'm not asking for specifics; at least give me a ballpark idea of what her body looks like.

I’ll make it easy…we'll do a scale of 1 to 10.  As it goes, 1 being Rosie O'Donnell, 10 being Jessica Alba. As a median point of reference, we’ll designate the average rating to Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston is cute, but not really “all that.” I must say, even though Jen comes in at number 5 on the ratings list, I’d definitely have naked, wild, all night, passionate, uh, conversation with her before I would EVER consider any such action with Rosie.  (I just threw up in my mouth a bit) 


Amanda:
1:45pm
We can NOT move forward on this project until you sign off on it and get it notarized! ASAP!


Me:
1:46pm
I’m feeling a tad forced into signing a contract for a writing project in which I’m uncertain about. According to Judge Greg Mathis and Judge Judy, I may be signing something under duress…which would void the agreement.


Amanda:
1:49pm
Why can’t a text conversation EVER be short and simple with you??


Me:
1:49pm
Because my cell provider offers an AMAZING unlimited text package. You should consider switching service providers.


Amanda:
1:52pm
Go sign the contract and leave it at the notary...please????


Me:
1:52pm
Okay. I don’t know why things always have to be so difficult with you.


Amanda:
1:55pm
Don’t forget to leave the contract WITH THE NOTARY.


Me: 3:01pm
I just left the notary…You’ll be pleased to know that it’s signed.

Amanda:
3:05pm
Did you leave the contract there??

Me:
3:06pm
No, I’m experiencing separation anxiety and wanted to take it for a walk in the park a little later. If there’s time, I may sneak in some cuddling time on my couch. I dearly hope that there’s time.

Amanda:3:09pm
So, I take it that you left it there?

Me:3:10pm
Yes.

Amanda:3:11pm
Thank you.

Me: 3:11pm
No…Thank YOU


copyright Pontchartrain Press 2011