As Jim continues his summer vacation, we invite you to check out a book project which is in editing. By editing we, of course, mean we are deleting massive amounts of run-on sentences.
Nonetheless, we've begun streaming it on a sister site located at :
ifailedenglishlit.blogspot.com
Jim is also available to present the book, at your convenience, via interpretative dance for a small fee.
In the meantime, below, you will find a much anticipated debut guest submission from a comedy writer and friend to Jim. He resides in our nation's cradle of history; Philadelphia...also known as "The city of brotherly love," and sporting event riots.
Just when I thought we'd found someone who understands deadlines and content principles, it became painfully evident that we've enlisted the services of Jim's long lost brother.
At any rate, try to enjoy the latest (rated R) piece from Pontchartrain Press
Cheers,
Mike, Editor
Via AT & T Text:
Jim: Mike just texted me about your deadline. Many people think that I'm kidding when I say that texts from Mike typically make me cry uncontrollably; I gave him your number so that I might enjoy a small portion of my vacation. Hows the first column draft going? Btw...is it bad that im watching an infomercial about a push up bra AND feeling physically aroused?
Eric: It could be worse. I was just eyeing a German dvd we got at my porn shop called "Sh*t Eating Lesbians." Oh, and a homeless guy just walked in & smelled like an extra from said German film, thus killing my erection.
Jim: I can honestly say that I have never received a text such as the one you just sent. If it's okay with you, I'm just going to pretend that it didn't happen. Now that I think about it, I'm somewhat disturbed that you were aroused by the dvd. On the topic of lesbians...For some reason they hate me...no matter how hard I try to endear myself to them.
Eric: What do you say or do to endear yourself?
Jim: I ask if I can watch...but I always make sure that they know that I will remain at least 5 feet from them at all times. If that doesn't work I simply, and respectfully, do not push the issue. This is the point where I ask "who would you do", Hillary Clinton or Condoleeza Rice?"
Eric: You are smooth talker.
Jim: Thank you.
Eric: For the record, I would "do" Condoleeza...
Jim: The fact that lesbians hate me is troubling...as I'm a big fan of lesbians. Specifically the college student who lives on my block. I must say that I draw the line at doo doo sex play as noted in the pornographic dvd in your video store. I just couldn't do it...unless its with the right person of course. Did George Lucas direct it? I hope so.
Eric: Fear not. There are 2 types of lesbians. Attractive ones who just do it for attention & eventually give up on their experimental lifestyle, and then ones who look like that guy on the Brawny paper towel cover. So, you'll either eventually have your long awaited chance if you patiently bide your time, or it won't matter. Either way, you're a winner.
Jim: Out of curiosity...does your store have a "sexcrement" aisle?
Eric: The Internet, coupled with a struggling economy, has forced us to downsize. As a result, we can't segregate films the way we once did. We now have only 4 sections:
Gay, straight, lesbian & tranny.
The straight section has 3 sub-sections:
Black, white & Asian.
Speaking of lesbians, I'm getting hungry. I think I'll order some sushi.
Jim: Wow! Your store sounds lame. BTW...I was unaware that there were so many sub sections in a porno store. It should come as no surprise that I often wonder what it might be like to spend a day in your shoes. My day is nowhere nearly as interesting as yours. Sadly, I just ate a bowl of Fruit Loops and now I'm watching Judge Mathis...I wonder where my life went wrong?
Eric: I've pin pointed exactly where my life went wrong.
Jim: Do tell...
Eric: A girl I once dated left me for a woman.
Jim: Great...another woman who hates me, I suspect. BTW, how would that be a tipping point where your life went wrong?? She simply made a personal lifestyle choice.
Eric: She ended up hooking up with another of my ex girlfriends.
Jim: I honestly have no words.
Jim: Btw...do u think those bailiffs on the tv court shows are real? What if some serious sh*t breaks out after the verdict is delivered and the two parties pull out guns...What's the TV bailiff gonna do, sign an autograph?
Jim: I'll be honest with you, I want that f**k*ng job.
Jim: Just once, Id like to see some crazy bastard tell Judge Judy to f**k off and then, in a psychotic fit of rage, approach the bench and pull a kitten from their jacket pocket and chop its head off. Then, urinate all over the bench and rip the witness stand microphone from the podium, beating the plaintiff and camera man senseless. I'll bet the ratings would skyrocket.
Eric: If they could just take the guests from Jerry Springer & put them on the court shows, they'd have network gold.
Not only would it make for good tv, it would provide much needed chlorine for the gene pool. If science won't give us zombies, we'll have to thin the herd on our own. A good start would be using reality tv stars in gladiator matches.
Jim: Please God...tell me that we will begin with Snookie, Donald Trump and the Kardashians!
Eric: That's main event type stuff. You have to build up to it with teasers throughout the season. You gotta keep a business sense about you with these sort of things.
Jim: Brilliant! How u are not a network exec is beyond me. As for me, I know why Im not a network exec. A former broadcast program director said that it had something to do with my lack of personal direction, focus and goals. I believe he also said something about me not bringing anything to the table. Of course I also believe that he was recently fired and now works at a grocery store.
Hey...while I'm thinking about it, how in Hell is it ok for a girlfriend to wake you up from a sound, deep sleep, wanting sex, but if I try that, they groan and say they're sleepy and then roll over and begin snoring? One of my female co-workers informs me that women want it on their own terms...My theory is that God hates me.
Eric: My theory is that you don't hit them hard enough to make them sleep longer.
Jim: Isn't that illegal?
Eric: Not in West Virginia. You should consider moving.
Jim: Good point. Btw...Did your sushi ever arrive?
Eric: Surprisingly, yes, and that's the last time I order from that place.
1: When I called, the dingbat who answered the phone says I called the wrong location & gives me another number to call.
2: When I call the other number they told me I called the wrong location & gave me the number for the previous location.
3: When I called back, the original dingbat took my order, then hung up. However, she probably should have gotten my address number etc so it could be delivered.
4: the delivery guy calls me from outside & wants me to meet him at the corner to get my food. I ordered sushi, not cocaine. Quit being shady!
5: It was delicious, so who knows? Maybe I'll give them a 2nd chance.
Jim: Who knew that the Asians had such a wacky sense of humor? You should have told him that he delivered the sushi to the wrong porno store location.
Eric: We only have one location, so that wouldn't work.
Jim: ONE location? Sounds like your company owner is a loser. At any rate, if it were me, I would have just robbed the delivery guy.
Eric: BTW, the sushi restaurant people from where I ordered aren't Asian. In the future, I'm sticking with the authentic places. At least if they mess up I can blame it on the language barrier.
Jim: Aside from a hint of xenophobia, as evidenced in your previous text...What??? Is there some sort of affirmative action policy at sushi restaurants that I'm missing? That's like staffing a taco stand with Pakistanis.
Eric: The northeastern part of the country is diverse. You southern folks need to get with the times. We share water fountains & everything up here.
Jim: Its important to note that I do not stereotype. I, of course, would also never suggest that Pakistanis are not qualified to prepare a delicious taco now that I think about it. However, who would be left to drive the cabs or run convenience stores?
Eric: Up here, Nigerians & Kenyans drive the cabs & run the shops.
Jim: My doc is a hot Asian woman. I have a lot of fun with she and her staff when I visit. She regularly diagnoses me with a character flaw however. I'm not sure how to take that.
Eric: Tell her ya got a bone injury that you'd like her to tend to.
Jim: Oh...now I remember what I texted you about...how's your first guest column coming along?
Eric: I was hoping to bullsh*t my way through it & just use some old stand up material & hope nobody notices that I mailed it in. Speaking of which, I have a show tomorrow in Delaware; home of tax-free shopping & meth.
Jim: Excellent; at least you may purchase meth after the show, tax free...of course you will probably be involved in a drive-by shooting.
Eric: I don't wanna get you in trouble with Mike...just tell him or do whatever you usually do as an excuse for a slightly overdue deadline.
Jim: Will do. I'll have my friend Bob email him and tell him that you've been involved in a car accident and are on life support.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2012
Editor's Note: Follow Eric's insane ramblings or hook up with him at http://glazedreality.blogspot.com/ By "hook-up" we'll leave the definition to the parameters of your personal comfort level
