A friend of mine recently took he and his family on vacation to Denver, Colorado. I helpfully reminded him that there was no snow there in July.
He had such a good time in the Mile High city that he's seriously considering a move.
He also informed me that his hotel concierge staff were nothing short of spectacular in securing useful information about relocation to their fine city.
There are many helpful traits which a good hotel concierge possesses. In addition to being snappy dressers, day in and day out, they cheerfully greet transients while exhibiting unswerving abilities in order to ensure that one's vacation, business trip or spousal cheating excursion is nothing short of spectacular.
"Of course we can arrange for a bottle of champagne AND we'll have that Mexican brass band promptly delivered to your room Mr. Smith. Will MRS. "Smith" be joining you later? And, if so, should we post security outside your room? We don't want problems from the large gentleman who showed up looking for Mrs. Smith outside your door the last time you enjoyed a stay here.
By the way, the Loco Latino Explosion Brass Masters might be a tad late; Enrique' is having trouble with his VISA paperwork again and Carlos is changing his cousin's car battery. Will you require a roll of garbage bags, cleaning supplies and a shovel again this evening?"
I strongly suspect that there are many things that a hotel concierge has to deal with. Equally, I'm certain that there are, decidedly, many things that a good concierge chooses NOT to inform their globe-trotting guests.
For instance, in Omaha, Nebraska, they might remind one that they are in the middle of a state which is known for nothing in particular other than it's a long state where it is unwise to purchase a mobile home. It's also the birthplace to Johnny Carson and home to a giant insurance company which used to sponsor "Wild Kingdom." Oh, and it's a haven for several radical religious terror groups who got tired of living in Montana.
BUT, it IS bursting with some of the finest steakhouses on the planet. One of which is suspiciously located on the second floor of the hotel and will cost approximately 3-thousand dollars per person.
In West Los Angeles, you might be pleased to learn that the drive out of Santa Monica up the Pacific Coast Highway to Malibu is stunning, dotted with cliff side mansions all the way.
What you probably do not care to learn is that it's rumored that one of the Backstreet Boys engaged in a slightly homosexual 3-way in room 743. And, the gentleman who just valet parked your car is wanted on three gang-related infractions, is ducking child-support from five different women and is, likely, having sexual relations INSIDE your car with a housekeeping attendant.
Let's take a look at New Orleans, Louisiana. Home to some of the best Cajun and Creole cuisine on the planet. A virtual mecca of world famous plantations, corruption, potholes, jazz & blues artists and architecture that is absolutely timeless...when drunken tourists from Knoxville, Tennessee aren't urinating on the front door step.
What Frederick, the helpful concierge at the Ritz, might forget to tell you is that New Orleans is also home to a city council that regularly walks out of it's OWN sessions. Where city leaders come to work to find that their entire staff has walked out on the job.
Then there's a tiny inconvenience where, should you choose to call the Big Easy home, one might arrive home at the end of a long day to find that his/her room mate across the hall has employed the services of a 20-dollar Meth-infested hooker while the kitchen is on fire. Simultaneously, the next door neighbor is being mugged in front of no fewer than four trans-gender prostitutes down the block.
At least such a scene makes it easier on city first responders since all emergencies are confined to a small area; I'm a big fan of multi-tasking when it saves tax dollars for our children.
Not that I'm intimately familiar with the aforementioned scenario...I simply have a vivid, um, "imagination."
I've spent a considerable amount of time over the past two-months trying to better understand things about myself, others, the city in which I live and why professional soccer seems to NEVER take a seasonal break.
I remember, from years ago, when I first contemplated a move to New Orleans. I witnessed the following exchange between the hotel bellhop and a guest:
Guest: So, I'm thinking about accepting a relocation opportunity with my company and might move my wife and the kids down here. Any neighborhood suggestions?
Bellhop: (Laughing hysterically before walking away)
A concierge would have handled the previous situation much more professionally and less jaded in demeanor. He or she would have simply stared blankly at the guest, pretending that they didn't hear the question while blocking the guest's view to the side lobby, where it seems that a young man is urinating into the giant lobby flower pot. The concierge then cheerfully recommends a swamp tour.
Fact of the matter is: I like this city; I like MANY cities. I'm sure that there are days when others feel jaded toward their respective homes. To put it another way, I certainly grow weary of New Orleans on some days, the same way that (while I LOVE pizza, fried chicken and Taco Bell) I do NOT care for it every single day of my life.
Of course, the argument could be made that a cheesy crust pizza with extra meat is not capable of robbing you at gun point outside the front door to your house. That's a job for the 19-year old kid who is staking out the block.
I like living in an urban setting which happens to be filled with cabs, culture and unique characters. By the way, there's something very "New Yorkish" about a city where one might incorporate the services of a taxi in taking their walk of shame upon exiting the front door of...whatever his/her name was...the following morning.
I don't know the first place to begin in advising someone of the pros and cons of living in New Orleans, Los Angeles, Baltimore or Seattle. I've been to those places and had a fine time...from what I can remember.
I also cant tell you WHY people fall in or, sadly, out of love. Or:
Why the sky is blue
HOW the Red Sox are maintaining their top position in the standings (Keep it up!)
Why a fried chicken establishment in this city feels that a 3-piece chicken dinner is worth $12-dollars (mashed potatoes are $4.25!)
What??? Is there another potato famine that I'm unaware of?
But, I digress. Since it's been pointed out that I tend to stray off point from time to time...I'd like to bring our story back on track by wondering how funny it would be if, when the great Keanu Reeves flubs a line in a movie shoot, a director released a pack of hunger ravaged coyotes onto the movie set, where they gnaw at his twisting body while he screams in agony. Or, the director could just release an acting coach onto the set...whichever would be most beneficial to the motion picture community.
Summertime is indeed a great traveling season; It's also known as a "growing season." Perhaps a time for one to explore a big world that we all share. It's a time for fun or, indeed, a time to scout prospective relocation avenues.
Either way, as I ultimately advised my buddy:
Do your homework.
Life is quite different beyond the sliding glass lobby doors of the Holiday Inn Express.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2013
