Twice each year when the highly skilled staff aren't failing at personal relationships they produce a list of website forums so that I might continue to disparage my family name. I then contemplate suicide after spending a couple of weeks behaving like a sociopath online where I'm, ultimately, asked to leave the site...Then I go get quesadillas.
Enjoy the first of a two-part series as I spend time with (and we're not making this up) REAL dating websites...First up:
SaladMatch.com
Here's their pitch...
"We match couples based on their salad preferences:
If you've ever been on a date with a potential partner and found yourself quickly losing interest after witnessing them order ranch over balsamic vinaigrette, you might be a candidate for Salad Match. If you're interested in pursuing your *salad soulmate,* the site comes with a downloadable app to assist in your journey."
User Jim Patrick has entered:
User Jim: I've never considered embarking on a salad mate journey but, because SaladMatch has a downloadable app, who WOULDN'T be tempted?
Moderator: Welcome Jim!
User Jim: I'm so sick of amateur salad people.
Reply Nikki: I Like your profile pic. btw, what amateurs made u sick??
Jim: I hooked up with a girl who ordered a Gigi salad...with LETTUCE!
Reply Nikki: That's a bit picky don't u think?
Jim: We're on a salad match dating site...with a downloadable app. I'll give you a second to think about your question.
Reply Nikki: point taken. What's your favorite salads?
Jim: I like to build my own. Not at places like Golden Corral though...I'm afraid of Jeff Foxworthy-- and old people eating soft serve ice cream.
Reply Nikki: Ha! so where do you go??
Jim: I go to the grocery to build my own salad by the pound for the amazing low price of $27.00...the savings NEVER stop at the Winn Dixie! I also like Olive Garden because, as you know, there's the ENDLESS salad bowl...with bread sticks and families pretending to like one another on a Sunday afternoon while everyone else is doing fun stuff.
Reply Nikki: You like Olive Garden??
Jim: Only the parking lot at 3am. Long story from early 1997 with my friend Kassandra.
Reply Nikki: interesting. So, what's your favorite salad?
Jim: Probably potato...but, I'm curious about having my salad tossed actually...especially after looking it up on Urban Dictionary.
System Admin: User account temporarily suspended. Please contact us if you feel this action is in error.
And so, I'm tossed from a site where I might have potentially met my roughage soulmate. I'm destined to a life of imitation bacon bits.
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