Spoiler alert: there are several inappropriate words contained within this article, such as: Michelob Ultra Amber, Fat Free Sour Cream, Olive Garden, Nancy Pelosi, Goddammit and txt abbreviations.
When did we, as an intelligent society, begin speaking in social media/Smartphone textese? (Donald Trump doesn't count) SAD!
Based on observation, here's how I visualize wedding vows being read ten years from now:
"O.M.G. ILY b/c ur my bff. Tnt I wnt u2 fmticws."
English Lit professors globally are likely weeping.
Because I'm a gentleman, I'll only translate a small portion from the above nuptial: "...Till I can't walk straight." u figure out the rest.
While waiting for the streetcar today I overheard a young woman on the phone talking with a friend who apparently is on holiday in Mexico...Which is Great Britain slang for vacation because the British always have to make up their own words.
I suppose this girl's Mexico trip is smart timing before the wall goes up-- resulting in a greatly lowered talent pool in Major League Baseball and everyone paying $570 per ounce for avocado, roma tomatoes and cocaine in the U.S .
Save your hate mail Sean Hannity fans...I'm not xenophobic...and I'm a big fan of expert drywall hanging and landscaping.
Specifically, here's the one sided chit chat that caught my ear at the streetcar stop this morning:
"Sooo...how is Mexico girl? I am soooo JEL...O.M.G!"
First of all, anyone who consciously verbalizes "omg" should be immediately restricted from breathing air that's meant for important things...such as blowing leaves off my sidewalk.
I truly tried to hold a stoic face while eavesdropping on this young woman's phone call but, I suspect that I wore a facial expression as that of a hostage release victim in North Korea after drinking piss and eating my own shit for 945 days.
I'm not a grumpy man (meaning that I am) but I'm reasonably certain that (irl) we're not relegated to 140 characters when speaking...if wishing only made it so now that I think about it.
At the risk of sounding like my late father, and I am NOT afraid of sounding like a functional alcoholic, I'm uneasy about young people speaking and behaving in today's breezy demeanor-- like they're auditioning for one of those late night commercials-- The Ads that air between rerun episodes of Cheers and Frasier, filled with young, half naked women with captioning that reads:
"Lonely? We will fu@k you tonight...and steal your identity.com" (coy giggles)
Dad taught me the most important things as a kid...such as: "We can make it to the next exit in 300 miles without a restroom break." He also taught me, at age 9 after a visit to the bar, "Your mother doesn't need to know about this." I'm fairly certain that I was a child abuse victim now that I think about it.
With that, I strongly encourage you to pick one person on (ur frnd) list and make dinner and drink plans w/them...it might be nice to actually meet someone irl...before being "unfriended."
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