Always exciting to receive reader mail:
Dear Jim,
Help! A friend and I are debating the correct use of "further" vs. "farther."
Chandra, Nashville,TN.
From: James Patrick
Chandra,
That seems to be an action packed Thursday evening you have going there.
Teachers often use clever tricks to assist via association with our language. I.e.
HOMES= the Great Lakes
Roy G. Biv= colors of the spectrum
"My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas"= Planets of the solar system
(even though Pluto is now considered the bastard stepchild of the solar system.) So, now we're left in the dark about what mother served nine of to the kids.
Also, "educated" is not a word I'd associate with this mother. Child endangerment seems more appropriate. But that doesn't fit the solar system rote memorization lesson I suppose.
Likewise, who names their kid Roy G. Biv???
The Mickey Mouse song is used to teach the correct spelling of Albuquerque...for those who stay up late night fretting over how to correctly spell Albuquerque. (answer: people who NEVER have sex.)
Quite simply, further and farther are slowly becoming interchangeable in the English language...which makes it, in my opinion, bi-sexual.
Back to your question, an old school method to settle your electrifying Thursday night debate:
Farther= physical distance...or the mileage that people plan to move from the U.S. after the election
Further= non-physical (I.e. my sex life)
example: "I desperately tried to further an evening of sexual relations with Monica but she kept moving farther down the bar."
I feel strongly that I would've been a great elementary school teacher.
Regards,
Jim Patrick
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Sunday, August 14, 2016
OMG...A Selfish, uh, Selfie
I'm nothing if not a team player/employee. So, here's a feel-good, optimistic interlude for one of our markets titled:
"I'm Being Forced To Write This...And, My Cat Died."
It's time to aim the white hot spotlight on those wacky people who camp out on the text and social media landscape-- specifically-- the folks who, helpfully, tell us who to vote for while sharing scrumptious dinner photographs.
I've always held curious fascination toward those who snap photos of their food and post it to FaceSnatch; it's entertaining.
Leading psychologists (from top universities) have a theory on this topic:
Research suggests that (their words, not mine) "...photographing food and posting to social media indicates early stages of clinical insanity." NOOOO WAY! Seriously? These people are about to elect a new president...and other dangerous stuff like driving and procreating.
By the way, university scholars know a thing or two about insanity...It's called Beer Pong...and the student loan program.
Let's take a look at what the foodie paparazzi have to say via actual social media survey participants:
"I do it to get people to join me for a meal."
"To make lasting memories."
"To know what I'm putting in my body."
"Because it's fun."
"People like to see it."
"Because I'm narcissistic"*
**not an actual survey response
We'll just go ahead and score a win for team psychology/Sally Mae/Budweiser.
My friends are astutely aware of my strong disinterest toward food pics in that, when I receive one, I politely send a text pic of a turd in my toilet bowl with a sprinkle of basil...and my dead cat-- I'm, of course, kidding-- I would never snap a pic of a dead cat.
I've been fortunate enough in life to enjoy some of the best mac n cheese ever created, courtesy of my mom, grandmothers and even my dad, but I hold no desire to clog my in-box with pictures of it...I do something crazier with my food...I EAT it thus saving valuable folder space for pornhub pics.
Another favorite--and I'm not being a word snob-- is the txt abbreviation:
fml csffh hktwu.,&$@:":... WTF? ttyl, fuk off... omw. LOL. (:
At Pontchartrain Press we use complete words and sentences in our communication.
I also understand why text abbreviation is sometimes valid...such as clever tactics in throwing off a federal government sting operation.
Amanda Port, Leigh, Todd, Mike Klein (the editor) and I share the same account at the company...primarily, I suspect, facilitating their ability to change my password when they become nervous about my writing.
My favorite is the online pronouncement of a romance in bloom which is splashed across the screen for all to view...
Kim: Bestessss bf in the world. xoxxoo @Chris who fixed the bestessss dinner ever, and re-shingled my house while giving CPR to an unconscious nun.
(Kim is in a relationship with Chris)
Chris: Fun nite with a perfect gurl...
(Chris is in a relationship with Kim)
Three months later...
Kim: I don't understand why some people are Douche bags! ugh.
Chris: I don't understand why some people are filthy whores!
(Chris went from being in a relationship to Single)
Kim: (is single)
In the words of the great Satchmo...What a virtual world!
We're taking our summer break but plan to return in late September with open letters to the presidential candidates... and a fantastic eggplant parmesan recipe.
ed. note: No cats were harmed in the making of this article.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved
Link:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10210725986852276&id=1427467876
"I'm Being Forced To Write This...And, My Cat Died."
It's time to aim the white hot spotlight on those wacky people who camp out on the text and social media landscape-- specifically-- the folks who, helpfully, tell us who to vote for while sharing scrumptious dinner photographs.
I've always held curious fascination toward those who snap photos of their food and post it to FaceSnatch; it's entertaining.
Leading psychologists (from top universities) have a theory on this topic:
Research suggests that (their words, not mine) "...photographing food and posting to social media indicates early stages of clinical insanity." NOOOO WAY! Seriously? These people are about to elect a new president...and other dangerous stuff like driving and procreating.
By the way, university scholars know a thing or two about insanity...It's called Beer Pong...and the student loan program.
Let's take a look at what the foodie paparazzi have to say via actual social media survey participants:
"I do it to get people to join me for a meal."
"To make lasting memories."
"To know what I'm putting in my body."
"Because it's fun."
"People like to see it."
"Because I'm narcissistic"*
**not an actual survey response
We'll just go ahead and score a win for team psychology/Sally Mae/Budweiser.
My friends are astutely aware of my strong disinterest toward food pics in that, when I receive one, I politely send a text pic of a turd in my toilet bowl with a sprinkle of basil...and my dead cat-- I'm, of course, kidding-- I would never snap a pic of a dead cat.
I've been fortunate enough in life to enjoy some of the best mac n cheese ever created, courtesy of my mom, grandmothers and even my dad, but I hold no desire to clog my in-box with pictures of it...I do something crazier with my food...I EAT it thus saving valuable folder space for pornhub pics.
Another favorite--and I'm not being a word snob-- is the txt abbreviation:
fml csffh hktwu.,&$@:":... WTF? ttyl, fuk off... omw. LOL. (:
At Pontchartrain Press we use complete words and sentences in our communication.
I also understand why text abbreviation is sometimes valid...such as clever tactics in throwing off a federal government sting operation.
Amanda Port, Leigh, Todd, Mike Klein (the editor) and I share the same account at the company...primarily, I suspect, facilitating their ability to change my password when they become nervous about my writing.
My favorite is the online pronouncement of a romance in bloom which is splashed across the screen for all to view...
Kim: Bestessss bf in the world. xoxxoo @Chris who fixed the bestessss dinner ever, and re-shingled my house while giving CPR to an unconscious nun.
(Kim is in a relationship with Chris)
Chris: Fun nite with a perfect gurl...
(Chris is in a relationship with Kim)
Three months later...
Kim: I don't understand why some people are Douche bags! ugh.
Chris: I don't understand why some people are filthy whores!
(Chris went from being in a relationship to Single)
Kim: (is single)
In the words of the great Satchmo...What a virtual world!
We're taking our summer break but plan to return in late September with open letters to the presidential candidates... and a fantastic eggplant parmesan recipe.
ed. note: No cats were harmed in the making of this article.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved
Link:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10210725986852276&id=1427467876
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Hooked On Kardashionics
Fun Facebook picture companion version...
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10210701972371929&id=1427467876
A nice email experience with Mike Klein, the editor regarding my interaction with reader mail:
From: Mike
Seriously? Please be nice in answering reader mail; This is a Loyola student in New Orleans.
From: James Patrick
I try not to speak with people in general...especially aspiring lawyers. Btw, To which piece are u referring to? Notice that my previous sentence is riddled with grammatical imperfections. I'm willing to bet that you just had a stroke.
Which mail dispatch was bad? I've lost interest...I meant count.
From: Mike Klein
THIS one:
reader mail From: Kristin
"Hey Jim. Is there a writer who makes u laugh
and what are you doing Sunday night?"
From: Jim
"Judy Bloom makes me laugh.
As for Sunday night plans, I'm somewhat alarmed by that question but I'll likely prepare a roasted Turkey avocado wrap with jalapeno, watch a late night rerun of the hilarious Steve Harvey program and cry myself to sleep on my living room floor."
TO: Kristin
From: Jim Patrick
cc: Mike Klein
Greetings, Kristin,
Sorry for, what might have seemed, a flippant response. I, of course, do not watch the Steve Harvey show.
To answer your question, my favorite writing and broadcast influences come from people who are much more talented than I could possibly possibly be in two lifetimes:
My father
The late Tom Snyder
Letterman
Aaron Sorkin
A brilliant Aussie/ viral internet genius, David Thorne
And...the inimitable works from Dave Barry at the Miami Herald.
I'm somewhat influenced by Kim Kardashian and Carson Daly...but I reserve that writing style exclusively for special pieces.
Regards,
Jim
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10210701972371929&id=1427467876
A nice email experience with Mike Klein, the editor regarding my interaction with reader mail:
From: Mike
Seriously? Please be nice in answering reader mail; This is a Loyola student in New Orleans.
From: James Patrick
I try not to speak with people in general...especially aspiring lawyers. Btw, To which piece are u referring to? Notice that my previous sentence is riddled with grammatical imperfections. I'm willing to bet that you just had a stroke.
Which mail dispatch was bad? I've lost interest...I meant count.
From: Mike Klein
THIS one:
reader mail From: Kristin
"Hey Jim. Is there a writer who makes u laugh
and what are you doing Sunday night?"
From: Jim
"Judy Bloom makes me laugh.
As for Sunday night plans, I'm somewhat alarmed by that question but I'll likely prepare a roasted Turkey avocado wrap with jalapeno, watch a late night rerun of the hilarious Steve Harvey program and cry myself to sleep on my living room floor."
TO: Kristin
From: Jim Patrick
cc: Mike Klein
Greetings, Kristin,
Sorry for, what might have seemed, a flippant response. I, of course, do not watch the Steve Harvey show.
To answer your question, my favorite writing and broadcast influences come from people who are much more talented than I could possibly possibly be in two lifetimes:
My father
The late Tom Snyder
Letterman
Aaron Sorkin
A brilliant Aussie/ viral internet genius, David Thorne
And...the inimitable works from Dave Barry at the Miami Herald.
I'm somewhat influenced by Kim Kardashian and Carson Daly...but I reserve that writing style exclusively for special pieces.
Regards,
Jim
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Undatable
To get the full effect of this article, with a fun photo, visit our miserable Facebook page...
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1081218581931418&id=124761937577092
Last in our series titled "We Swear These Are Real Dating Sites."
We stumbled upon a site which is dedicated to guys whose loving moms tirelessly exhaust effort in finding Ms. Right for their sons. We're not allowed to publish the site name, which likely saves these poor guys what little dignity remains...enjoy.
James Patrick has entered chat
Jim: Looking for someone to binge watch the Olympics with me... Anyone?
Ashley has entered:
I think ure on the wrong site. This is moms with single sons date site.
Jim:
Yeah, my mom is no longer with us...so I'm on my own without a "wing mom."
Ashley:
Sorry to hear that. How long since she passed?
Jim:
Oh, she didn't pass; She ran off with a guy named Lou. He's in charge of the Big Door Factory...or something like that-- He got a job transfer-- perhaps to be in charge of a bigger door at the factory.
Ashley:
Wait, huh? Is this for real??
Jim: I don't completely understand it either, Ash. I figure that his company should install several smaller doors, thus creating more jobs in order to "Make America's Doors BIG Again."® At any rate, mom seems happy, unlike me.
Ashley:
LOL. What are you unhappy about?
Jim: At the moment, my profile pic on this site.
Ashley:
It's a dark blank frame?
Jim:
It was supposed to be a pic of my penis but I couldn't figure out how to make my phone flash work.
Ashley: HA! u would've gotten booted btw.
Jim:
So, have YOU secured any dates with guys whose moms seem to be pimping them out?
Ashley:
No, I'm just sort of like a greeter & moderator. Your profile info is pretty empty btw...you'll have better match ups with more info...You have any hobbies.
Jim: I study cause and effect of Oedipus complex which makes this a perfect dating site.
Ashley:
Very funny. Seriously...hobbies???
Jim:
I spend my downtime collecting bright blue bottles...and worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ.
Admin message+
Your trial membership has expired. Please visit the link below for exclusive member dating options.
And, there you have it. Still single until I successfully find a BIG door number three dating website. Undatable.com seems not to exist...
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1081218581931418&id=124761937577092
Last in our series titled "We Swear These Are Real Dating Sites."
We stumbled upon a site which is dedicated to guys whose loving moms tirelessly exhaust effort in finding Ms. Right for their sons. We're not allowed to publish the site name, which likely saves these poor guys what little dignity remains...enjoy.
James Patrick has entered chat
Jim: Looking for someone to binge watch the Olympics with me... Anyone?
Ashley has entered:
I think ure on the wrong site. This is moms with single sons date site.
Jim:
Yeah, my mom is no longer with us...so I'm on my own without a "wing mom."
Ashley:
Sorry to hear that. How long since she passed?
Jim:
Oh, she didn't pass; She ran off with a guy named Lou. He's in charge of the Big Door Factory...or something like that-- He got a job transfer-- perhaps to be in charge of a bigger door at the factory.
Ashley:
Wait, huh? Is this for real??
Jim: I don't completely understand it either, Ash. I figure that his company should install several smaller doors, thus creating more jobs in order to "Make America's Doors BIG Again."® At any rate, mom seems happy, unlike me.
Ashley:
LOL. What are you unhappy about?
Jim: At the moment, my profile pic on this site.
Ashley:
It's a dark blank frame?
Jim:
It was supposed to be a pic of my penis but I couldn't figure out how to make my phone flash work.
Ashley: HA! u would've gotten booted btw.
Jim:
So, have YOU secured any dates with guys whose moms seem to be pimping them out?
Ashley:
No, I'm just sort of like a greeter & moderator. Your profile info is pretty empty btw...you'll have better match ups with more info...You have any hobbies.
Jim: I study cause and effect of Oedipus complex which makes this a perfect dating site.
Ashley:
Very funny. Seriously...hobbies???
Jim:
I spend my downtime collecting bright blue bottles...and worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ.
Admin message+
Your trial membership has expired. Please visit the link below for exclusive member dating options.
And, there you have it. Still single until I successfully find a BIG door number three dating website. Undatable.com seems not to exist...
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Weekend At Bernie's
We loaded Chief Pontchartrain contributor/dietary disaster into an overhead bin and dispatched him 3-thousand miles from the Pacific Northwest to cover the Democratic National Convention. Who better to cover an historic exercise in apathy than Eric from Philly...What could possibly go wrong?
Enjoy his journal entries documenting what I suspect has already appeared on WikiLeaks.
5:45pm From: Eric
I just saw a girl use her fingers to add two to a number in the airport store. Do people REALLY think it matters who the next president is? Trust me, we're all doomed-- no matter who gets elected.
6:48pm From: Eric
Checkin' tinder to see if anyone is trying to join the mile high club.
6:50pm From: Eric
No Tinder Hookups yet but I hope they serve snacks on the plane; I only grabbed $46,000 worth of Gummy Bears from the airport store...also loaded up on shitty airport food so I could make the person sitting next to the bathroom wish they were dead for the next 3,000 miles.
7:04pm From: Eric
About to take off. What's the aeronautics equivalent of road head? This old blue hair sitting next to me is giving me a look that says she's willing to take out the dentures.
From: Eric 7:08pm
Enjoy my last words in case the plane crashes.
From: Eric
Finally landed in Philly.
My mid-flight poop was so bad that they threatened to pull the plane over and make me get out; Also made friends with the flight attendant...
From: Jim
How so?
From: Eric
I informed her that "I have a cock, you have a pit. Whaddya say?"
Her: *pepper spray*
Editor Note:
(no contact from Eric for three days now)
From: Jim Patrick
Um...any convention update?
From: Eric
I bought some bacon socks near the convention and I watched a middle-aged man playing Pokemon Go in the subway-- Then I realized he's registered to vote... Heading back to Oregon.
And there you have it. Thanks Eric for continually reminding me of why a hostage negotiator has to talk me into getting out of bed each day.
In a nutshell, the convention highlights unfolded as follows:
WikiLeaks, apparently, finds hidden items more efficiently on a computer than virus scan...with exception to my ex-wife.
Sarah Silverman apparently is still alive.
Donald Trump stayed on topic in his positive counter message, assuring that he plans to begin dating Vladimir Putin.
From his balcony perch, Bernie Sanders wore a facial expression indicating that he was either being held hostage or wished for a rescue helicopter.
Michelle Obama likely could get the nomination if "do-overs" were allowed at the DNC.
Elizabeth Warren is still very angry about something.
The first half of Bill Clinton's speech sounded like the plotline of Pretty In Pink.
Obama delivered an electrifying oration and engaged in an awkward hug with Hillary-- prompting many at the Fox News set to run hysterically as Sean Hannity's head literally exploded.
...and, Hillary made history by being the first female to be a female AND become a major party presidential candidate while being a female.
And then they did the giant plague of locusts balloon drop just before informing Scott Baio that he could only appear at ONE convention.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
ed. note: Our thanks to Micah Carper for his contribution to this story and our apologies to every airline employee who had contact with Eric Crowthers from Philly.
Enjoy his journal entries documenting what I suspect has already appeared on WikiLeaks.
5:45pm From: Eric
I just saw a girl use her fingers to add two to a number in the airport store. Do people REALLY think it matters who the next president is? Trust me, we're all doomed-- no matter who gets elected.
6:48pm From: Eric
Checkin' tinder to see if anyone is trying to join the mile high club.
6:50pm From: Eric
No Tinder Hookups yet but I hope they serve snacks on the plane; I only grabbed $46,000 worth of Gummy Bears from the airport store...also loaded up on shitty airport food so I could make the person sitting next to the bathroom wish they were dead for the next 3,000 miles.
7:04pm From: Eric
About to take off. What's the aeronautics equivalent of road head? This old blue hair sitting next to me is giving me a look that says she's willing to take out the dentures.
From: Eric 7:08pm
Enjoy my last words in case the plane crashes.
From: Eric
Finally landed in Philly.
My mid-flight poop was so bad that they threatened to pull the plane over and make me get out; Also made friends with the flight attendant...
From: Jim
How so?
From: Eric
I informed her that "I have a cock, you have a pit. Whaddya say?"
Her: *pepper spray*
Editor Note:
(no contact from Eric for three days now)
From: Jim Patrick
Um...any convention update?
From: Eric
I bought some bacon socks near the convention and I watched a middle-aged man playing Pokemon Go in the subway-- Then I realized he's registered to vote... Heading back to Oregon.
And there you have it. Thanks Eric for continually reminding me of why a hostage negotiator has to talk me into getting out of bed each day.
In a nutshell, the convention highlights unfolded as follows:
WikiLeaks, apparently, finds hidden items more efficiently on a computer than virus scan...with exception to my ex-wife.
Sarah Silverman apparently is still alive.
Donald Trump stayed on topic in his positive counter message, assuring that he plans to begin dating Vladimir Putin.
From his balcony perch, Bernie Sanders wore a facial expression indicating that he was either being held hostage or wished for a rescue helicopter.
Michelle Obama likely could get the nomination if "do-overs" were allowed at the DNC.
Elizabeth Warren is still very angry about something.
The first half of Bill Clinton's speech sounded like the plotline of Pretty In Pink.
Obama delivered an electrifying oration and engaged in an awkward hug with Hillary-- prompting many at the Fox News set to run hysterically as Sean Hannity's head literally exploded.
...and, Hillary made history by being the first female to be a female AND become a major party presidential candidate while being a female.
And then they did the giant plague of locusts balloon drop just before informing Scott Baio that he could only appear at ONE convention.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
ed. note: Our thanks to Micah Carper for his contribution to this story and our apologies to every airline employee who had contact with Eric Crowthers from Philly.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Tossed Salad Dating Bleus
Twice each year when the highly skilled staff aren't failing at personal relationships they produce a list of website forums so that I might continue to disparage my family name. I then contemplate suicide after spending a couple of weeks behaving like a sociopath online where I'm, ultimately, asked to leave the site...Then I go get quesadillas.
Enjoy the first of a two-part series as I spend time with (and we're not making this up) REAL dating websites...First up:
SaladMatch.com
Here's their pitch...
"We match couples based on their salad preferences:
If you've ever been on a date with a potential partner and found yourself quickly losing interest after witnessing them order ranch over balsamic vinaigrette, you might be a candidate for Salad Match. If you're interested in pursuing your *salad soulmate,* the site comes with a downloadable app to assist in your journey."
User Jim Patrick has entered:
User Jim: I've never considered embarking on a salad mate journey but, because SaladMatch has a downloadable app, who WOULDN'T be tempted?
Moderator: Welcome Jim!
User Jim: I'm so sick of amateur salad people.
Reply Nikki: I Like your profile pic. btw, what amateurs made u sick??
Jim: I hooked up with a girl who ordered a Gigi salad...with LETTUCE!
Reply Nikki: That's a bit picky don't u think?
Jim: We're on a salad match dating site...with a downloadable app. I'll give you a second to think about your question.
Reply Nikki: point taken. What's your favorite salads?
Jim: I like to build my own. Not at places like Golden Corral though...I'm afraid of Jeff Foxworthy-- and old people eating soft serve ice cream.
Reply Nikki: Ha! so where do you go??
Jim: I go to the grocery to build my own salad by the pound for the amazing low price of $27.00...the savings NEVER stop at the Winn Dixie! I also like Olive Garden because, as you know, there's the ENDLESS salad bowl...with bread sticks and families pretending to like one another on a Sunday afternoon while everyone else is doing fun stuff.
Reply Nikki: You like Olive Garden??
Jim: Only the parking lot at 3am. Long story from early 1997 with my friend Kassandra.
Reply Nikki: interesting. So, what's your favorite salad?
Jim: Probably potato...but, I'm curious about having my salad tossed actually...especially after looking it up on Urban Dictionary.
System Admin: User account temporarily suspended. Please contact us if you feel this action is in error.
And so, I'm tossed from a site where I might have potentially met my roughage soulmate. I'm destined to a life of imitation bacon bits.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
Enjoy the first of a two-part series as I spend time with (and we're not making this up) REAL dating websites...First up:
SaladMatch.com
Here's their pitch...
"We match couples based on their salad preferences:
If you've ever been on a date with a potential partner and found yourself quickly losing interest after witnessing them order ranch over balsamic vinaigrette, you might be a candidate for Salad Match. If you're interested in pursuing your *salad soulmate,* the site comes with a downloadable app to assist in your journey."
User Jim Patrick has entered:
User Jim: I've never considered embarking on a salad mate journey but, because SaladMatch has a downloadable app, who WOULDN'T be tempted?
Moderator: Welcome Jim!
User Jim: I'm so sick of amateur salad people.
Reply Nikki: I Like your profile pic. btw, what amateurs made u sick??
Jim: I hooked up with a girl who ordered a Gigi salad...with LETTUCE!
Reply Nikki: That's a bit picky don't u think?
Jim: We're on a salad match dating site...with a downloadable app. I'll give you a second to think about your question.
Reply Nikki: point taken. What's your favorite salads?
Jim: I like to build my own. Not at places like Golden Corral though...I'm afraid of Jeff Foxworthy-- and old people eating soft serve ice cream.
Reply Nikki: Ha! so where do you go??
Jim: I go to the grocery to build my own salad by the pound for the amazing low price of $27.00...the savings NEVER stop at the Winn Dixie! I also like Olive Garden because, as you know, there's the ENDLESS salad bowl...with bread sticks and families pretending to like one another on a Sunday afternoon while everyone else is doing fun stuff.
Reply Nikki: You like Olive Garden??
Jim: Only the parking lot at 3am. Long story from early 1997 with my friend Kassandra.
Reply Nikki: interesting. So, what's your favorite salad?
Jim: Probably potato...but, I'm curious about having my salad tossed actually...especially after looking it up on Urban Dictionary.
System Admin: User account temporarily suspended. Please contact us if you feel this action is in error.
And so, I'm tossed from a site where I might have potentially met my roughage soulmate. I'm destined to a life of imitation bacon bits.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
To Do List..
From the "I wish that I were making this up" file: An email strand from a delightful guy at a content site to which we sometimes contribute--
To: Pontchartrain Press
From: Ken F.
You guys writing anything about the past week?
From: James Patrick
Ummm...no.
From: Ken F.
why?
From: James Patrick
Because, Ken, we make fun of stupid, funny things-- for instance-- this email string is an exemplary testament to that crazy business model.
From: Ken F.
People might still like to read some quirky/funny rambles from you guys to recount the week...maybe a pros & cons end of week wacky but sensible list showing bright moments?
From: Jim Patrick
I believe a large swath of the social media user brain trust have already inserted enough commentary, minus the sensible part in many cases, but, here goes, Ken: An end of week, wacky, list...
Tuna steaks
Milk
Bread
Romaine lettuce
Cheerios
Extra Sharp Cheddar
Blue cheese crumbles
Boars Head Turkey
Condoms (bright moment)
Bananas (wacky)
Advil (sensible)
Fifth of Stoli (necessary)
Ken, I believe my grocery list makes for an excellent weekly submission for a period of days which were, decidedly, not funny.
To summarize, as the "pros" go, you'll notice that I eat fairly healthy AND for once (in a loooong time) condoms are on my list. Wish me luck, Ken.
The cons (not listed in my wacky week in review story, per your suggestion) I believe are self explanatory.
As for the "sensible" part-- it's my firm belief that we will all get through this crap, together, as one... eventually.
Now that I think about it, Mission sun dried tomato flour wraps might have added a certain level of wackiness to my list. It was an impulse purchase. This is precisely why I'm a sub-par writer.
In the meantime, we're taking a moment to breathe at Pontchartrain...and to hold quiet reverence.
Regards,
Jim
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
To: Pontchartrain Press
From: Ken F.
You guys writing anything about the past week?
From: James Patrick
Ummm...no.
From: Ken F.
why?
From: James Patrick
Because, Ken, we make fun of stupid, funny things-- for instance-- this email string is an exemplary testament to that crazy business model.
From: Ken F.
People might still like to read some quirky/funny rambles from you guys to recount the week...maybe a pros & cons end of week wacky but sensible list showing bright moments?
From: Jim Patrick
I believe a large swath of the social media user brain trust have already inserted enough commentary, minus the sensible part in many cases, but, here goes, Ken: An end of week, wacky, list...
Tuna steaks
Milk
Bread
Romaine lettuce
Cheerios
Extra Sharp Cheddar
Blue cheese crumbles
Boars Head Turkey
Condoms (bright moment)
Bananas (wacky)
Advil (sensible)
Fifth of Stoli (necessary)
Ken, I believe my grocery list makes for an excellent weekly submission for a period of days which were, decidedly, not funny.
To summarize, as the "pros" go, you'll notice that I eat fairly healthy AND for once (in a loooong time) condoms are on my list. Wish me luck, Ken.
The cons (not listed in my wacky week in review story, per your suggestion) I believe are self explanatory.
As for the "sensible" part-- it's my firm belief that we will all get through this crap, together, as one... eventually.
Now that I think about it, Mission sun dried tomato flour wraps might have added a certain level of wackiness to my list. It was an impulse purchase. This is precisely why I'm a sub-par writer.
In the meantime, we're taking a moment to breathe at Pontchartrain...and to hold quiet reverence.
Regards,
Jim
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