I have a friend who, along with her business partner, runs a creative marketing company. They’re very good at their job but she seemed to be having a touch of writer’s block this week. She didn’t buy into my suggestion that a few shots of tequila would unclog the thought process so I moved to plan B and I did a shot and told her to give it a few days.
One of her largest clients tasked her with updating the bios for their upper brass...it gets better- they wanted something humorous. Oh God.
I could already feel that this was going to do abundant harm to my brain. She asked if I might assist in writing a few bio pieces. It’s important to note that her client is a creative advertising and marketing development firm.
They are also quite fond of Jesus.
My first thought was, by coming to me, she must be desperate. My second thought was WHY would a company which specializes in creative marketing plans outsource the creative development of their biographies?? And, to a heathen on top of that!
After looking over the existing bios I informed my friend that I really bring nothing to the table, this task being a prime example. And, that I planed on going back to bed- to which she helpfully noted that it was 2:00pm. I like to ease myself into the day.
I say a thoughtful little prayer each and every day before leaving the house. I feel that it plants a positive first foot forward and sets a happy tone for the day to come. It goes like this:
“Dear God, please don’t let anything stupid happen around me today, and I beg of thee to please smite anyone who tries to ruin my day. Amen.”
I've since amended my prayer to include cell phone calls.
Being a resolute individual, I firmly stood my ground with my friend. By that, I mean that I finally agreed to assist- mainly to make her stop talking.
After re-reading the existing bios I came to the conclusion that I’d just stumbled upon the largest, most boring group of people on the planet. Their number-one recreational activity centered around their kids and going to church.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking anyone who goes to church. I enjoy discovering my shortcomings and how they might pave the way to a land of eternal damnation just as much as the next person- I’d enjoy church service more if they had an I-Jukebox and a Taco Bell drive thru.
Becoming quite frustrated, I waited for a while longer before revisiting the bios, hoping that a fresh glance would help me to come up with SOMETHING. Then I began to cry.
We’ll call this company ACME Advertising as an homage to Mel Blanc’s Looney Tunes.
Just ONCE why couldn’t Wile E. Coyote catch that bird and eat it?? I understand that murder doesn’t necessarily make for appropriate children’s programming, but I also accept that this represents one of many reasons why I'm not a role model for children.
After having anvils fall on his head, dynamite blow up in his face, falling off cliffs and being run over by trucks (oddly, all of which occurs in the middle of a thousand square-mile desert) this coyote deserves a meal! The smart kids are with me on this one.
The bio assignment began with each person’s name and job title and (I swear) instructions to:
“pick a fun and descriptive” job title.
I began with Cynthia‘s bio. She’s the Director of Customer Service. There is positively NO fun, descriptive, title for this position. Listening to a bunch of whining, apathetic people all day who suffer from “buyer’s remorse” sounds about as fun as having an anal hematoma.
Some of Cynthia’s cute and fun noted attributes/interests include:
A people pleaser
Making everyone happy
A dedicated leader over a group of versatile reps
Constantly dreams up ways to bring ACME’s service to the next level
She loves her family of wiener dogs (I wish were making this up)
Sings in the church choir
Because I really care for my friend, plus she’s the only person I know with a swimming pool AND a stocked liquor cabinet, here goes nothing:
Cynthia- Director of B.S.
(Bestest Service :-)
At a very early age Cynthia found her inspiration for providing customer satisfaction in life. No one in school wanted to sit anywhere near her; she looked awkward, kind of like an ostrich. She also wore glasses and had braces.
She was often picked last in gym class for kickball and the other kids frequently creamed her with the ball, their shoes, rocks, sticks, cafeteria trays and book bags- DURING the game.
As Cynthia began to physically blossom so did her vertical marketing thought process. She discovered an effective way to please people- specifically, by flashing young boys behind the football stands for cash.
Since she developed “C“ cups earlier that the rest of the girls, her business thrived. Earning enough money to purchase contact lenses, Cynthia soon became emotionally drunk with the idea of satiating the desires of everyone around her, while making money doing something that she loves.
She tirelessly employs that winning attitude with each and every one of ACME’s clientele. Lengthy, behind closed doors, late night meetings with our business partners (room 147 at the Econo Lodge) showcases her passion for supplying (discreet) “service” that is second to none. (See our ad on Craig's List Casual Encounters)
Her team of customer service reps love their job too, thanks to Cynthia’s “outside of the box” management style. Topless Tuesday has become an institution on the customer service floor- this is but one dynamic example of Cynthia‘s leadership. (Take a peek at our photo gallery for all of the excitement. -Must be 21 or older-)
When Cynthia isn’t providing superior “customer service“, she spends most of her time cleaning up after her five wiener dogs and her husband- he‘s currently between jobs but is an exceptional drummer.
She has two beautiful teenage kids who are anarchists and heavily pierced, so Cynthia spends a great deal of her time in church, searching for answers and self-actualization.
Always accentuating the positive, Cynthia has channeled being suffocated in a small town, helplessly strapped with a dysfunctional family, into a treasured bonus for ACME and its clients.
Indeed, Cynthia has blossomed from an awkward little ostrich to a graceful swan. You‘re number 1 in our book Cyn!!
After emailing this draft to my friend she seemed less than amused. And so, another well meaning plan to goof off has resulted in my being banned from the pool for a month- and she just started “naked girl” swim night!
I don’t understand company bios. When I decide to do business with someone, say a car manufacturer, I couldn’t care less if Josh in Research & Development volunteers to visit far away lands in order to show starving villagers who were born without elbows how to grow soybeans.
While it’s an admirable testament to his not doing anything particularly fun with his vacation time, I simply want to know if Josh can design an automobile that transports me from point A to B without the brakes failing at a busy intersection so that I might avoid running over as few children and elderly people as possible. And I’d be most pleased if it comes in “Midnight Blue“ with a kickin’ stereo.
I took another serious stab at researching the writing project. As I flirted with a couple of cute ladies sitting next to me, I glanced over a few online company bios, hoping to stir some sort of writing angle. I also purchased a new baseball cap, paid my cell bill and read my Facebook page. As a matter of full disclosure, I confirmed that the ladies were much more interesting bio subjects
After reading several bios from a variety of companies, I came to the glaring conclusion that bios are a bunch of tripe:
“Frank spends his spare time, what little spare time that a busy man like Frank has, skiing and snorkeling. He’s climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro FIVE times and, while never implicated in their deaths, Frank only lost two of his fellow climbers due to improper tie-offs. You’ll find Frank tirelessly working on building the best electric blender that money can buy.
Frank + our products + YOU = A perfect blend!”
I liken these fluffy lines to those of a job interview. I’ve always hated job interviews and the silly, stale psychoanalytic questions.
“So, tell me about your strengths.”
Just once I wish someone would flash a porn star smile to the interviewer and answer “Well, that’s a question best answered by my previous boss’ wife, and three of the ladies in Quality Control.“
Honesty is the best policy though. A better answer:
“Uh, I can do this job well and I’ll never miss a deadline. This will free up my time so that I might showcase other strengths, which include drinking abundantly, throwing darts, watching baseball and working tirelessly with several employee rights activist groups to keep employers like yourself on their toes.”
It’s also effective if you tell the interviewer that you voted for Ralph Nader.
I‘m not making this up…I’ve only been on four interviews in my life- and now you know why. The cover letter usually closes the gap on me.
My interview with a long term employer, seriously, went like this:
“Why should we hire you?” I advised that he shouldn’t, not today. I made him aware that I was actually interviewing HIM to see if his company was right for me. I then made a deal that I would work for free for the first week and if he liked what he saw and I liked what I saw then we could discuss me being on the payroll…and he could buy me a six-pack so that we might celebrate a new partnership. 15-years later…
I earned my keep I suppose.
I worked for a wonderful gentleman who secured his 6-figure contract with a prospective employer on…a cocktail napkin! I’ll bet you that he’s a riot at his AA meetings.
If you want to know a sure fire way to have some fun, the next time a prospective employer asks you to name your weaknesses tell them that you oversleep- habitually- and that an extremely lengthy, unbiased account of your weaknesses would be better outlined by your previous boss. Then sit back and enjoy the uncomfortable tension that saturates the room.
If you can do so at will, this is also an excellent opportunity to compliment the moment with a fart. You won’t get the job but it will facilitate hours of fun as you replay the incident in your mind and regale your envious friends with a great story over drinks.
I don’t have a bio but if I did, it would read as follows: “Page currently under construction, please check back soon!!”
Since my swimming pool rights have been revoked, and I'm unable to write these stupid bio's...I’m heading back to bed. I'll be dreaming of "naked girl" pool night for sure!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
