I recently browsed my in-box and decided to spend some time with the peeps to answer emails. This is precisely what got me into trouble with an employer once.
Many thanks to the loyal readers and first time readers. Sorry it's taken a while to respond to your messages, but my neighbor's kid has been trying to teach me how to play Halo and, as it seems, I'm about as coordinated as a crackhead going through de-tox. Here goes...
From: Sarah M.I’m an English teacher and couldn’t help but notice a few slight errors in your latest writing. Just a few punctuation and a few grammatical infractions.
Reply from: Jim Patrick:Infractions??? (Definition: failure to obey or fulfill a law, contract, or agreement)
This sounds serious! Should I alert my attorney?
Actually, you are my hero. Mainly for being a teacher. You are equally my hero because you just assisted in winning a wager I placed with Mike The Editor. I purposely inserted a few errors for three reasons:
1. I enjoy parallel, abstract humor. I do it for the smart kids. And…because I’m eclectic. (Translation: I had three shots of Irish whiskey while writing that piece)
2. I submitted my writing piece for Jack (The child mentioned in the article) to grade; in order to verify that he learned something from spending any amount of time with the least likely parental figure on the planet earth.
3. I was secretly trying to prompt an English teacher to send me an email so that I might garner a date from this egregious editing omission. I love to be picked apart, as it reminds me of my last relationship. Call me sentimental. XOXO.
What are your plans for this Friday evening? I’d love to help you grade papers over a Chateaubriand with roasted new potatoes and a bottle of Rodney Strong.
At any rate, Mike The Editor took my bet, that no one would notice, and you proved him to be incorrect. Such is his lot in life so I’m reasonably confident that it did not come as a crushing blow to him.
Should you join me for a date, I promise to behave as a perfect gentleman and I will leave my dangling participle where it belongs. I save that for the THIRD date.
From: Thomas G.Just read “Back to Skool.“ Loved it!! It seems we know the same people, they just have different names. I know people identical to the people you write about. There was a guy I knew who could be talked into trying anything. Oh, and your “Wanted, new Friends ASAP" submission reminded me of my friend Randall. Someone who gives you a last minute invite and "by the way can you bring more Ice and a 12 pack?" Keep writing, I'm reading. We DO have computers in Canada. LOL!
Reply from: Jim Patrick:First of all, please accept my deepest condolences for knowing people such as my friends. You also have my heartfelt sympathy for living in a place where one’s pee pee freezes before it hits the ground in wintertime.
Not that I make it a regular practice of urinating outdoors. Mostly I simply do number-one in my pants so as not to draw attention.
BTW, if you ever decide to cross the border for a visit to the land of inadequate healthcare and high-speed car chases, I’d love to chat. Could you bring a bag of ice and a 12-pack?
From: Missy J.
You must have spent time in Ohio. I know a lot of people very similar to the people you write about in your blog.
Reply from: Jim Patrick:
Your name sounds like a pop star. Are you a pop star?? If not, you SHOULD be with a name such as yours. It's irrelevant as to your singing abilities, as evidenced by tuning-in to Pop Music radio stations.
To answer your question...Actually, I DID spend time in Ohio-- not by accident. My friend, Justin, is a public relations spokesperson for the Transportation Security Administration. He’s always naturally, and obnoxiously, skeptical of everything. Which is why he creeps me out sometimes. He has a metal detector on his front door and forces his friends to remove their shoes before entering his condo. BTW, we also are not allowed to bring containers with more than 3oz of fluid inside, making his condo a terrible place to go for drinks.
Due to loopholes and adjustments in personal privacy laws, Justin is, however, a good person to know. It’s no coincidence that you know similar people as those I write about. They ARE your friends. Justin facilitated a window of opportunity for me to monitor your every move and the activities of your friends. And, now that you’ve emailed me, I have personal access to your banking, credit report and personal business matters. BTW again, it appears that you are five days late on your car payment and two months in arrears on your student loan.
Thanks for reading and for taking time to send me an email. We’ll be in touch…very soon.
From: Matthew D.
Someone just gave me a link to your blog. Very funny stuff. How long have you been writing this stuff. I want to read back blogs.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Who gave you a link to my blog?? My blog is private and not for public consumption. Are you a hacker?? Since it's obvious that you take some sort of pleasure in reading people's personal diaries, the back blogs will soon be available in book form. I will send you a personal copy if you promise to stop invading my privacy.
From: Christina L.
Hey. i have sent a link to your site to eleven friends of mine. Ten of them LOVE it, however one blocked my email and de-friended me on Facebook.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
I like to think of my blog as a great friend filter. Eleven friends is entirely too many for one to have anyway. I closed down the friend application desk years ago and am now simply offering casual acquaintance status to about fifteen people in the friend “overflow“ waiting room. By casual and acquaintance, I mean random sexual encounters. I’m KIDDING…it’s actually only nine people. What are you doing tonight?
From: Jessie R.
How often does your column appear? I don't want to miss it.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Every 3rd second quarter of a new moon…and only for 18 and a half minutes. You just missed it!! Sorry.
From: Amanda W.
One Question? How do you remember all this stuff.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
What stuff?
From: Chris R.
Have you ever lived in Decatur, Illinois. You remind me of a song writer I once knew.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
I’ve been to Decatur. The combined aroma from the food processing plant and the paper mill was delightful. Do you possess an oxygen mask by chance?
Funny you should mention songwriting. I am working on my FIRST song right now. My friend Steve is going through a bad breakup and I told him it would be therapeutic to put things on paper. It‘s a second spoken verse rendition of the classic Elvis song, “Are You Lonesome Tonight“
“I wonder if you’re lonesome tonight? Someone once said the world’s a stage and each of us play a part…
ACT 1 WAS WHEN YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T CRAZY
ACT 2 WAS WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT YOU WERE CLINICALLY INSANE
ACT 3 WAS WHEN I BECAME SCARED TO EVEN SLEEP IN THE SAME ZIP CODE AS YOU
HONEY, YOU LIED WHEN YOU CALLED AND SAID YOU DIDN’T DE-FRIEND ME ON FACE BOOK AND THAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN A GLITCH. WHO KNEW THAT FACE BOOK HAS THE “CLICK HERE TO BE PASIVE AGGRESSIVE” BUTTON?
IT WAS NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU TODAY…ALL 15 TIMES. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SAY SWEET THINGS TO ME LIKE…CAN I BORROW 100 DOLLARS?
WHAT’S FUNNIER IS THAT THE CONCEPT OF THE WORD BORROW ISN’T EVEN IN YOUR VOCABULARY. THAT’S LIKE SAYING HEY CAN I BORROW YOUR LIVER FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
WHICH REMINDS ME…CAN I BORROW 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE BACK. JUST FOR A MINUTE?
ANYWAY, I’VE GOT YOUR 100 DOLLARS AND I’M GONNA SPEND EVERY BIT OF IT TONIGHT. THE BARTENDER HAS AGREED TO LET ME BORROW SOME DRINKS.
It’s still rough around the edges, but I think it will come together.
From: Holly T.
Hey You gotta be from California. You only find people like that here in the Golden State.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Thank you. That explains all of the high-speed car chases, road rage and medicinal marijuana
From: Julius P.
I showed your blog to my ex-wife. We're getting back together.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Are you aware that your name itself is an omen? If she invites you to the Forum…don’t say you weren’t warned.
From: Kirk A.
Have you ever been in Prison? I bet you could write some funny crap from the big house. If you haven't then you need to do something to get a 6 months to a year sentence and let the words flow.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
When I was 17 I received community service for photocopying my butt at a public copy machine. I don’t think I’d like prison. Actually, I don’t think that I would enjoy prison SEX. Unless it’s with the right person, of course.
From: Shannon P.
I had a very funny experience at Red Lobster this past weekend. Do you want to hear about it?
Reply from: Jim Patrick
I think I just did. Anyway, would you mind if I wait for the movie version?
From: Douglass G.
Please write about me in your stories. I think it would impress Megan who works in accounting.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
(I believe we’ve got ourselves a winning screenplay Doug)
I once knew this guy, Douglass, who was always so incredibly needy. Doug simply wasn’t happy unless he was the center of attention. He even legally changed his name, adding an extra “S” to his first name just to be different.
He met a young woman in the accounting department at his place of business and immediately fell in love.
Douglass fervently tried everything he could in order to catch Megan’s attention, hoping to generate a spark which would, ideally, ignite the passionate, everlasting flames of love between the two of them.
Megan began hanging out a lot with Joshua, an attractive colleague who works on the 1st floor in Quality Control.
Douglass began showing up in places where he knew Joshua would be, in order to size him up, hoping to distinguish the exact nature of his and Megan’s relationship.
He would, coincidentally, be at Josh’s favorite dance club or coffee house, the grocery store, Josh's living room closet, the back seat of his car, etc. It came to a point where Joshua had to file for a restraining order for fear that he and his lover, Kent, were being targeted by a homophobic maniac.
Doug launched a final, desperate, campaign so that he could FINALLY catch Megan’s eye. He came to work one day with an improvised explosive device strapped to his chest and an automatic assault rifle.
As these things go, Douglass got the attention he so desperately desired as a SWAT team sniper killed him with a precision shot from the top of the building next door.
The traumatic series of events were more than Joshua could stomach. Soon after, he and Kent moved to Vermont and were married. Megan received a promotion, to Doug’s former position, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except, of course, Douglass. The End.
(Cue closing credits music: Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
Thanks to a few thousand readers (and growing), I now have more interesting mail in my in-box other than Craig's List "casual encounters" responses and CNN News Alerts.
It appears that Pontchartrain has gone international...welcome to the new readers in the Russian Federation, Canada, The United Kingdom, Switzerland, Australia, Germany and Turkey. To you, I say Buenos Dias Amigos!!
Please feel free to email anytime. In return, I promise that none of Pontchartrain Press' United States readers will ever invade your respective countries. (Note to Canada: This is conditional. We're watching you closely)
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
