I did fairly well in school as a kid. I wasn’t nearly as advanced as a friend of mine who recently announced the following via instant message as I was doing research for a writing assignment:
“i was reading a t 5th grade level when i was 3, but i was kind of a savant”
Apparently “savants” have a morbid fear of capitalizing the letter “I” while typing. I was impressed with her abstract grammatical humor by spacing between the A and the T. Preposition usage/rule humor turns me on, almost as much as barely clothed women. Brilliant!
Now…where was i at?
My sense of what was funny went largely unappreciated by several of my teachers. Mine was not gratuitous trouble making though. I put thought into it--- sometimes employing the use of graphics and flowcharts. Oh, and one time we employed an industrial-sized bag of ready to eat slaw, an empty wrapping paper spool and gunpowder from a 400-pack of firecrackers.
With the unsuspecting assistance of the school janitor, who was taking a nap break, it was a large success. With the exception of detention.
My Architecture teacher, Mr. Cummings (yes, his real name) was a very good sport and a good man. He was impressed with my floor plans but couldn't understand why I and a couple of the guys in class occasionally made life so difficult for him.
Example:
One time I designed a complete set of floor and elevation plans for a round house on 20ft stilts. I encouraged three of my fellow classmates to design equally complicated structures. Our teacher's main frustration? He had to GRADE the projects.
It took him forever, thus distracting him long enough so we could slip away for a while to flirt with the girls in the Office Vocational lab down the hall.
That is, until the Office Voc. teacher escorted us back to Architecture class. There stood Mr. Cummings, solemnly staring at us like an embarrassed father.
Yes indeed...calculated, well thought out fun. I'm sure that we probably turned Mr. Cummings into a chain smoking alcoholic.
I enjoyed Physics Class also-- Now that I think about it, I suppose I enjoyed TESTING the laws of physics more so. Especially as they related to Billy Haskins.
Billy was part of our group of friends who provided endless comic relief, in that he would say or do anything we asked. (Note: Billy did NOT do so well in Physics...Math, English, Social Studies, Art, Phys. Ed. or Shop.) One time, we convinced him that if he held tightly to a bundle of about 50 bottle rockets in each hand that they would lift him off the ground.
Our Physics teacher, Mr. Hepler, was a short, mean, creepy gentleman but he knew physics like no one else. He ran a very strict classroom, which provided numerous hours of entertainment and abundant opportunities to test, what we liked to call, “Hepler’s Laws.”
For the purposes of proving our hypotheses, Billy Haskins served as our Guinea Pig.
One such experiment came when we had Billy test Newtonian Mechanics as they relate to the three laws of motion:
#1 An object (tennis ball) at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force (Billy Haskins)
#2 Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. (Here comes the wind-up, momentum builds and...BOOM! Billy throws the ball directly to the back of Mr. Hepler’s head)
#3 For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
It’s important to note that, for his small stature, Mr. Hepler defied the laws of physics as he must have been a starting batter for the Boston Red Sox. He also possessed a paddle which was the size of a live oak tree.
We partially disproved Newton’s third law of motion that day, therefore, our experiment was successful. Not so for Billy. There was an OPPOSITE reaction, however, it was far from equal.
Billy couldn't sit down for a while after he and Mr. Hepler conducted their own motion/force/mass experiment in the hallway.
For the parents who might be reading this, if you’d like to share this helpful experiment with your children, the equation is:
F=Gm1m2/d^2
Unless you’re in the mood for a parent/teacher conference, I suggest having them look it up rather than to take a hands-on approach such as me and the guys.
This is an excellent moment in time to point out that I am not a role model for children. Which is why I was puzzled when a friend of mine, a single parent, asked if I might assist her son, Jack, with his homework.
He’d been having some difficulties and she, somehow, thought it to be a good idea for him to spend some time with me. If only my mother and father were alive to warn her.
It’s not that I don’t like kids, I like them just fine. However, the two things I like BEST about kids would be:
1. That they belong to someone else
2. They make for great slave-labor around my house and yard
Jack’s first assignment, after he finished organizing my cluttered storage room, was from English class. He was given a writing “prompt” and tasked with outlining his general observations and feelings…in proper writing form. I stood ready to give Jack some helpful pointers, until I read the “prompt.” I felt it necessary to take on a larger role.
(Note: For reader convenience, I've underlined some items in the assignment)
Melissa and her family were at a restaurant. They are
eating Melissa’s favorite food: EXTRA cheese pizza! While she is
eating, Melissa notices a man yelling at his waitress. He is
angry because his food took longer than usual to
prepare. He had been waiting for a long time. The
waitress keeps apologizing to the man, but he doesn’t
seem to get any less angry. Finally, the man stops
yelling and starts eating his food. The waitress walks
away slowly. She is obviously upset. Was the man
right to yell at the waitress like that? Why or why not?
What would you have done instead? Have you ever
been in a similar situation? How did you feel?
Dear Mrs. Hanner,
Before I share my feelings about the famished, loud man, I’d like to point out/clarify a few things in the above scenario.
The subjunctive mood of the verbs “Were” and “Are”** in the first two sentences do not agree.
**(Note: I realize that I capitalized “are” and “were“ but it was for illustrative purposes)
Question: Is this gentleman an alcoholic? My next door neighbor tips the bottle quite often and, when the bottom fell out of the stock market, he began to drink heavily. Of course he also became verbally abusive to his girlfriend and those around him.
He could also regularly be found passed out on his back porch in his underwear, which was a good thing as one can not yell when they are passed out.
I will assume that he is simply a social misfit who, most likely, holds an inexplicable level of derisory qualities due to the world not revolving around his every desire.**
**(Note: Sort of like my older sister)
Having no intimate knowledge of specific interaction between the Pizza Monster** and his server, I really hold an inconclusive opinion as to whether he was right or wrong.
It occurs to me that perhaps she cut him off from the bar or maybe she made unwanted advances toward him. What does the Pizza Monster look like? And, is the server attractive or ugly?
***(Note: Notice that I capitalized Pizza Monster. Since we don’t know his name, I've created a “proper name” for the fat man. Assuming, of course, that he is fat)
In assessing the SERVER’S** general mood after Pizza Monster began eating, it’s important to possess inside knowledge as to the activities which may or may not have taken place behind the kitchen doors moments earlier.
**(Anachronistic Note: They don’t like to be called “waitresses” as used in your scenario.)
I’d say that the Misanthrope Pizza Monster from Outer Space** probably enjoyed an extra cheese pizza with an extra helping of saliva, lovingly provided by the entire kitchen and wait staff once they retrieved it from the filthy, greasy kitchen floor.
**(Note: I decided to give tubby the non-tipper a better name)
Since the writing-prompt scenario on my assignment sheet appears to be the world’s longest paragraph, I found it quite difficult to follow. I hope that the movie is much more captivating. Perhaps Ridley Scott or Tim Burton could direct it.
I would also point out that it seems rather irresponsible for a school to promote unhealthy eating habits to a group of 12-year old kids.
On to the next assignment…Math Class, Jack‘s biggest weakness.
Jack’s math teacher, Mrs. Blankenship, sent home a series of word-problems, with which he was experiencing some difficulty. Following, is the ACTUAL transcript of the hand-out sheet:
The Target Store® was running a special sale on Halo Reach for the X-Box 360 game system. They are retail priced at $59.99 each and they have 30 boxes on the shelve and 50 boxes in the stockroom.
a) How many games do they have in stock?
b) What is the total retail amount of the shelve stock?
c) What is the total retail amount of the entire stock?
We’ll get to the numbers shortly; but first, I’m curious as to whether Microsoft® or Halo® paid for advertising placement on this mathematics class homework assignment sheet.
If they did, I will use this as a prime example of genius marketing in my 3rd period General Business class with Mrs. Fitzgerald. I haven't seen product placement such as this since Joe Camel®
Speaking of marketing protocol, Target’s proper name does not include the word “The.” It was especially detail oriented to include a “registered” symbol in the name, however, it should immediately follow the name “Target.”
Now that I think about it, there's no such thing as "The Target Store.” It's simply Target®. (Or, as annoying people call it, "Tar-Jaay").
In noting the usage of the word “Was” as past 1st &3rd singular of the word “Be”, I assume that the sale has concluded?
I certainly understand how such a sale would end so quickly as $59.99 was, I meant, IS a good price. At any rate, please consider using the combination of is/are or was/were...depending on the length of this amazing sale.
I will “shelve” any further speculation so as not to miss this sale before the remaining Halo Reach boxes disappear from the “SHELF.”
My mom's friend, Jim, plans to help me close the gap on a $25.00** deficit in my savings so that I may go purchase Halo Reach this weekend. He's having me mow his lawn, wash all of his windows and till and plant an entire winter vegetable garden in his back yard.
**Note: If Halo Reach at the Target Store is/was priced at $59.99 and my savings shows a $25.00 deficit in the amount needed, what are the total savings that Jim is receiving for the work that I must perform?
You’re a great math teacher by the way! I’m not sure if you’re friends with my English Comp teacher, Mrs. Hanner, but you might want to hang out with her sometime. Perhaps she might offer to take a peek at your homework instruction sheets before you distribute them to impressionable minds. That is, if she has time.
As far as the math problem, the respective answers are:
80
$1,799.00
$4,799.20
Not including state and/or local sales tax of course.
I feel confident about Jack’s homework achievements this week and I also feel quite strongly that he's going to make a real impression on his teachers.
Final stop, History class...
Jack informed me that he enjoys this class, however, the annoying rich kid who sits beside him regularly looks at Jack's test and homework papers to copy his answers. He also tells me that the teacher regularly relies on Wikipedia in dispensing lessons.
Jack was supposed to research and write a brief summation of Thomas Edison's famous invention...the light bulb. For what purpose?? One can only imagine. But, it was his assignment nonetheless:
Thomas Edison held 1,093 patents - an amazing statistic. As astonishing as that figure is, the problem remains that he didn't invent most of them. Most Edison inventions were the work of his technicians. His most famous invention, the electric light, didn't even BELONG to his laboratory.
Four decades before Edison was born, English scientist Sir Humphry Davy invented arc lighting (using a carbon filament). It only burned for a few hours, but Sir "Humpty Doo" invented it nonetheless.
The achievement of Edison's lab was to find the right filament that would burn for days. A major achievement indeed, but not entirely of his own...much like that of the assignment and test scores for the kid who sits to my right in the classroom or those who rely on Wiki as though it is the gold standard.
Jack and I were excited to share the fruits of our labor with his mother and fully expected that she would be equally as excited that he learned some valuable lessons this week. Unfortunately, his mother didn’t seem to share in our joy. Perhaps she was having a bad day.
She asked that he re-do the assignments in a manner which would not get him tossed out of school. What’s the fun in THAT? Plus, I didn't see anything in our work which would be grounds for punishment.
The following day I received a phone call from Jack’s mother informing me that Jack had, in fact, made an executive decision and submitted our collaboration to his teachers.
I’m not sure why she was talking so loudly to me-- the phone connection seemed fine to me, without the need for yelling.
Later that day, I gave Jack a lift home after school-- Right after retrieving him from detention.
All in all I feel strongly hat Jack learned some valuable, real-world, lessons this week. Including Civics.
His detention, for submitting truthful, accurate assignment sheets, landed him in confinement...on the taxpayers dime. Which largely explains why defense lawyers are rich and jails are over-crowded.
In the meantime, countless school bullies, truant kids and general troublemakers were probably sitting at home playing Halo Reach or wandering the street in search for trouble...while Jack sat in detention.
We sat at a little pizza joint with an extra cheese pizza before us...plotting the angle which he would take in writing his upcoming English Comp paper on:
The State of the American Education System (a comprehensive and global comparative dissection)
I feel very good about this project. We're just not going to tell his mother this time.
