It’s been a long time since I’ve kicked the mail sack. It‘s not that I don‘t enjoy interaction with the readers, I love it actually. I’ve just been traveling a bit over the past few weeks and, after being stranded by a snow storm in the Mid South for a short time, my mind has been preoccupied with Global WarmingÒ research.
I even sent a letter to Al Gore Ô , hoping that he might be able to better enlighten me. In addition to Global WarmingÒ questions, I alerted him to the fact that I'd found a photo of him which made him appear as though he were an angry blow-up doll. I then offered to give him a hug.
I even sent a letter to Al Gore Ô , hoping that he might be able to better enlighten me. In addition to Global WarmingÒ questions, I alerted him to the fact that I'd found a photo of him which made him appear as though he were an angry blow-up doll. I then offered to give him a hug.
Two very polite gentlemen from the Secret Service paid me a visit not long after that. They provided valuable writing critique as it pertains to sending correspondence to former Vice Presidents/Presidential candidates.
We begin with a helpful pointer for the website.
From: Eric C.
While I'm very much a fan of your writing and your blog... How can I put this delicately? It pisses me off.
Granted, I'm completely bat sh*t crazy, and silly things are what chap my ass and set me off. That doesn't make me any less of a person so don’t judge me!
OK, maybe it does, but stay with me on this.
The color scheme, it's all wrong. When I try to read (TRY, being the operative word) it makes me want to book an airline ticket to New Orleans, find you and kill you.
As a result of my dyslexia, poor education, and your f**ked up color scheme, my eyes start going all crazy when I read your website.
They actually go in and out of focus to the point where I feel the need to do that weird thing you only see in bad films and/or cartoons where they shake their head from side to side and then rub their eyes with the sides of their balled up fists as if they were cleaning the lenses of binoculars… all for the sake of being wacky.
That being said, I am a creature of habit, and I don't do well when it comes to adjusting to change. On those grounds, correcting your f**ked up color scheme would probably trigger a multi-state killing spree.
So, keep up the good work…and don't change your sh**ty color scheme!
From: Jim
That may be the nicest, most sincere compliment I’ve ever received! I now fully realize what the "City of Brotherly Love" truly means!!
Your missive reminds me of the methods which my mother and father employed to coach and encourage me to excel. They'd often shower me with positive guidance by informing me that the other kids were far better than I and that I was an accident.
Oddly, now that I think about it, it's reminiscent of pillow talk with my last girlfriend. She was such a positive influence in my life.
Your missive reminds me of the methods which my mother and father employed to coach and encourage me to excel. They'd often shower me with positive guidance by informing me that the other kids were far better than I and that I was an accident.
Oddly, now that I think about it, it's reminiscent of pillow talk with my last girlfriend. She was such a positive influence in my life.
Sorry about your dyslexia…In keeping with strict adherence to the American’s With Disabilities Act, I’m considering the following design for my new background color. I think you'll find it helpful...
P.S. Thansk for reading my Bolg! Ooops…Blog.
From: Andy
Mission Viejo, CA
I notice that you goof on Nickelback sometimes. I think they TOTALLY sold out! What do you think?
From Jim:
Well, Andy, I’m not sure that they ever bought in. But, I certainly don’t want to gratuitously bash Nickelback.
Let’s substantiate your hypothesis by applying mathematical perspective, in order to lend credibility or disprove your assertion .
We‘ll do so in the form of a “word problem.”
The scenario:
Thomas gives Julie $22.75 which he cashed in at the Coin Star machine, using the pocket change he'd amassed over the past month.**
**Thomas has never had sex with an actual woman and he is a huge fan of CSI Miami. He also collects Star Wars action figures
Julie spends $6.50 on a McDonald’s number 4 extra value meal (hold the pickles). She then gives Thomas $4.25 so that he might get the number 2 value meal. **
**Julie is a greedy, high maintenance, colossal drama queen/diva and always feels the need to purchase the most expensive items-- whether it be at a restaurant or a store.
She often runs out of money, leaving Thomas to foot her bill at the bar or nightclub.
As these things go, she flirts with Thomas just enough to receive free drinks, going home for the evening with a much better looking, more confident man while Thomas goes home alone to the studio apartment behind his grandmother's house...often contemplating suicide as he reels in massive disappointment with himself for being so gullible.
Julie then spends $12.00 on Itunes, downloading good music from real rock bands (as she waits for Thomas to bring her a double top-shelf margarita from the bar)
Question: Does Nickelback suck?
Answer: Yes.
From: Cheryl
Astoria, NY
Do you know much about birth control methods? My friend was telling me about the “Plan B” drug, but I don’t know much about it.
From: Jim
Let me thank you for placing your trust in me for planned parenthood advice. It is an admirable testament to you being sexually irresponsible.
That being said, I employ “Plan A,” which usually includes me mentally undressing my 6th grade teacher, Ms. Watson. When I’m tempted, this not only curbs my appetite for unprotected sexual relations, it also makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Of course, I sometimes employ Plans “C” and “D.” While it’s the long way around the block for abstinence, it involves four shots of Irish whiskey and a trip to the Taco Bell Drive-thru.
I find that, after getting drunk and puking up Taco Bell, it is doubtful that anyone will be having “relations” with me. Except for the drive-thru window girl perhaps…which would likely just be angry sex.
Plan "E" also works from time to time. It's a combination, stemming from the sex policies of two U.S. Surgeon's General, C. Everett Koop and Joycelyn Elders. The "Koop" advocated abstinence, while Elders recommended self satisfaction as the BEST method.
You'll have to decide which works most effectively for you.
From: MessaayPlan "E" also works from time to time. It's a combination, stemming from the sex policies of two U.S. Surgeon's General, C. Everett Koop and Joycelyn Elders. The "Koop" advocated abstinence, while Elders recommended self satisfaction as the BEST method.
You'll have to decide which works most effectively for you.
 |
| I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...again. |
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
"ارتداء الجوارب جعل كرات بلدي الحارة. وأنها تجعلني تبدو جميلة
From: Jim
Yes! I totally agree. Except for that last part.
From: Melody
Helena, MT
Hey, can I send you a recent photo of myself? It’s actually from 2002. Is that still considered to be recent? I use it on E-Harmony and other dating sites and seem to get better results.
From: Jim
Sure thing Melody. I used the following photo of myself (circa age 5) on a dating site when I was researching a story at my former news room job. It was quite effective, as I received several very nice responses.
 |
| GIGANTIC DORK! |
Had I been in the market to pick up 60 year old ladies or male pedophiles, I’d say that I hit the jackpot. Don't judge me!!!
From: Julia
Lexington, KY
As a writer, you probably smoke. What is the most dangerous cigarette?
From: Jim
From: Robert
Chicago, IL
Hey man…my best friend Larry told my wife that you wrote about me in one of your stories. It's weird that he didn't tell ME since we watch football together all the freakin' time! Anyway, would you send me an autographed copy? You can send it collect…I don’t care. Thanks!
From: Jim
Yes indeed...I remember writing about this a few weeks ago. It stemmed from a letter that I received from your friend Larry:
Dear Jim,
There’s really no way to fully express this without being brutally honest. I hang out and watch football A LOT with a buddy of mine. His name is Robert. (Go Bears!)
Anyway, my feelings have become quite conflicted over the past few months and it‘s finally reached a point where I need to act upon them.
Sure, it’s fun sitting in the man-cave watching hours and hours of football with Robert, but I can’t go on living behind this wall which has simply become a thin facade of emotional denial. I think that it's time for Robert to know the truth!
It all started last football season. I noticed a quick glance here and there, a slight brush of the hand on my shoulder once in a while, but I discounted it to an overly active imagination. Surely these weren’t seductive advances!! I have never had sexual thoughts like THIS...I mean, Robert is my BEST FRIEND for God's sake!
One night it finally happened! Robert and I passed out on the futon in the man-cave after we drank 3 cases of beer and I, being somewhat of an alcoholic, woke up and decided to have another beer while watching Sports Center. I wanted to wake him and tell him of my feelings, but he seemed to be sleeping so peacefully.
So, I went to the kitchen and there she was…Robert’s wife was standing there, drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. She was completely naked…well, with the exception of a pair of over-sized fuzzy house slippers which were fashioned after Garfield the Cat. Now that I think about it, she also had a Chicago Bears hair scrunchy in her hair. Finally, she made the first move! The glances WEREN’T my imagination after all!
We had dirty, sloppy, amateur porno sex, much like that of two retarded Wildebeests. All of the rapid motion, combined with the 30 beers and the jar of salsa and bag of Tostitos which I’d consumed, caused me to throw up all over Robert’s wife.
She took me upstairs and cleaned me off and that’s when I knew it! That’s when we both knew that we were destined to be together. We both fully understood that this could only mean one thing...we must devise a plan to kill Robert.
So, my question to you is, do you think the Bears have a chance at going to the Super Bowl this year?
Thanks,
Larry
From: Steve
Houston, TX
Hey, how would you describe your writings? I tried to tell a co-worker today and then I paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. I finally admitted that I didn’t know how to describe it. I sure hope YOU know! Haha.
From: Jim
I’d describe it as a cross between a life insurance policy narrative and an assembly manual for a home entertainment system…written in Esperanto by a drunken, attention deficit disorder suffering, manic-depressive vagrant.
From: Chris
Seattle, WA
Pleeeeease do me a favor. Let everyone know that it DOESN'T RAIN IN SEATTLE EVERY DAY!
From: Jim
FIVE DAY FORECAST:
From: Ayame
Naha, Okinawa
私はあなたの文章が大好きです。私はあなたの本当の長時間
uh, suckie suckieをさせていただきたいと思います
From: Jim
Will you marry me???
From: Alisha
San Francisco, CA
I love you!
From: Jim
I would remind you that written communication is a direct violation of the restraining order. It's over Alisha...move on.
From: Jeremy
Boston, MA
I do not like your writings. That is all.
From: Jim
Yeah, I don't care for them too much myself Jeremy. Thanks for lending validation to my suspicions.
Yes indeed...the mail sack is always interesting, but I wouldn't expect anything less from the Pontch Press maniacs.
I’m happy to say that since I last shared the Pontchartrain Press mail sack, we’ve picked up over 10-thousand readers on six continents.
Special thanks to the "official" followers who have been with me from the beginning, including my friend Eric. I invite you to check his blog at:
Glazedreality.blogspot.com.
And for those who do not "publicly" follow on Blogger, that's okay. It will likely keep you off of the FBI watch-list. Hehehe. Plus, voyers are sexy!
After reading these letters and the reader statistics, a powerful, heartwarming and telling story is illustrated…
...The world is doomed.
As a side note-- the moment that someone teaches polar bears how to read, I feel pretty good about my chances of gaining an Antarctica audience.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2011
