Example:
Receptionist: Doctor Taylor's office
Seth: Um, yeah, this is Seth Franklin. I'm calling about my test results from Tuesday.
Receptionist: Oh, I see...yeah, Doctor Taylor wants you to come in immediately to chat about them in person.
Seth: What??
In the professional world, I've found that most meetings simply spiral out of control into a gripe session/waste of time…much like Fox News’ Sean Hannity program.
Mike, the editor, LOVES meetings!
On a recent afternoon while I was doing important research into the reasons as to why NO ONE in my house seems to know how to fill an ice tray, Mike decided to call a meeting with our freelance writing group.
My friend, Todd, is in this group and shares my frustration with meetings. He and I hold efficient writer meetings all the time. This is to say that we discuss our notes for 5-minutes and spend the rest of the evening in the pub before Todd goes home to his angry wife, Melissa.
Behold…the power of the meeting:
To: Amanda, Todd, Marie and Jim
From: Mike Klein, Editor
Date: February 28th 2012
Re: Reminders
It’s been a while since we’ve gone over some important housekeeping items, as evidenced by some of the writing that has been submitted recently.
Everyone, with the exception of Jim and Todd, has worked very well at meeting story treatment deadlines; especially Marie.
Deadlines are due on the first Tuesday of each month…NO exceptions!
It takes a considerable amount of time to edit and pitch your stories so you’re only hurting your writing integrity.
By the way Todd, I still haven’t seen a treatment for the Civil War Society magazine…it’s been 2-months!!!
Let’s all do an online conference at 2pm today and we can chat about these reminders.
Thanks,
Mike
And so, here’s what I like to call “40-minutes of my life that I will never get back.”
Mike: This won’t take long; I just wanted us to go over some things collectively as a group. Any concerns to throw on the table before we begin?
Jim: Collectively and group mean the same thing. Are you sure that you’re an editor? Xo
Mike: Very funny. Hey Todd, what’s the timeline with the Civil War draft?
Todd: The draft for that war ended in 1864 I believe.
Jim: HahahahaHA!
Mike: You fully know what I mean Todd.
Todd: I thought I was fired.
Jim: I’ve tried that excuse before Todd…it doesn’t work.
Marie: I have a 3pm appointment so I may have to log off early. BTW, I just emailed my latest drafts to you Mike. I’m way early this month!
Jim: Ass kisser.
Mike: Thanks Marie. From now on I’m going to need something in writing 2-weeks in advance asking for an extension and explaining why a deadline is going to be missed.
Jim: What if one is suffering from a bout of writer’s block so severe that writing a note informing that a deadline will be missed is impossible?
Mike: I think you can bang out a paragraph of explanation…even with writer’s block.
Jim: I’m not so sure. Actually I sometimes suffer so badly that my private part doesn’t even work properly…which really annoys my lady friend.
Mike: Any more excuses?
Jim: What if I find myself in the unfortunate situation of going to the bank to make a deposit and I'm involved in a hostage situation, which happens to occur at noon on the first Tuesday of the month? Does this waive the deadline request?
Amanda: Do I really need to be on this chat session?
Mike: Yes Amanda.
Todd: I’ve actually been working on that Civil War piece you asked about. The lead character has detached from his military unit (the first African American Unit.)
He goes on a personal mission to make sure the son of a plantation owner is brought to justice after a racially-motivated murder.
Anyway, it’s sort of a combination of Glory, Roots and Shaft. I wanted to incorporate “Red Tails” but there were, of course, no airplanes in the Civil War.
Mike: Please tell me that you aren’t serious.
Jim: It’s better than incorporating the movie “Booty Call.” Bravo Todd!
Marie: What if we introduce some sort of incentive system for writers who meet or beat the deadlines? That might fix the problem. Just a thought.
Jim: I bet you were the hall monitor in school, weren’t you?
Amanda: Seriously, do I need to be on this conference?
Mike: That’s an excellent suggestion Marie. Maybe we can offer a restaurant gift certificate or basketball tickets? Any other incentive prize suggestions?
Jim: A stripper cookout and a bottle of vodka. We can do the party at Amanda’s place.
Mike: Can you contribute a serious statement to the meeting?
Jim: Amanda has an awesome pool…seriously.
Amanda: After the last pool party, you and Todd are still banned from the pool.
Marie: Ha! What happened?
Todd: I honestly thought cats could freakin’ swim!
Jim: How is little Pook the cat doing anyway Amanda?
Mike: Uh, guys, I’m trying to host a meeting here.
Amanda: How’s your love life doing Jim?
Todd: HAHAHAHA! Now THAT’S cold!
Marie: LOL!
Jim: Laugh it up. You know, Amanda, they say that lobbing sarcastic comments in the workplace is a form of sexual tension.
Amanda: Ha! Really now?
Jim: I can come by later tonight if you want to discuss your feelings more in depth. Since I’m not suffering from writer’s block this week, my equipment is working at full capacity.
Marie: HAHA! Don’t do it Amanda. LOL!
Mike: Ok kids…back to the meeting. Listen, bottom line is: I need for you to pay attention to formatting, deadlines, word counts and especially PUNCTUATION. Any questions?
Marie: Nope
Todd: Got it.
Amanda: No questions here.
Jim: .....",,::;,…":;?&,.{ !!
Todd: I get it!! Jim just did punctuation humor. Brilliant!
Marie: You two are unbearable sometimes.
Mike: Look, you all do very amazing work but I need for you to pay attention to details. By the way, Jim, while I have you online, do you have your next draft ready and formatted?
Jim: You included an unnecessary modifier in front of the word “amazing.”
Amanda: Word snob.
Jim: I DO have my latest draft ready. I took liberties to write it in Japanese this time. An abstract, artistic style so to speak.
Mike: Well…that certainly peaks my curiosity. Would you like to share a sample with the group?
Jim: “Me love you long time…uh, suckie suckie?”
Todd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jim: Oh NOOOOOOO!!! Godzirra!!!!
Marie: User has logged off
Amanda: User has logged off
Mike: Ummm…is anyone still here?
Todd: I'm here
Jim: マイクは吸います
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2012
