This is a little story that Mike, the editor, fears will cost him his 401k investments. I assured him that inept legislation from the United States Congress and election year politics will take care of that long before a questionable writing of mine will.
Our little story centers around a friend of mine who’s recently begun dating a young, sexually adventurous, woman who he met at a neighborhood pub. She's been badgering him nonstop to reveal his deepest sexual fantasies.
Everyone, whether they admit it or not, has some sort of dark sexual fantasy. I also appreciate the fact that many people do not want to reveal them for fear of being judged.
It's important background information to know that my friend is rather conservative when it comes to talking explicitly about sex...much less his FANTASIES!
Since the sex, as he revealed, is incredible, he felt that if he kept stalling, he would lose this woman (and the incredible sex). Since he's a very close friend and co-worker, I offered to assist as a "ghost writer" so that he might finally satisfy her curiosity.
Everyone, whether they admit it or not, has some sort of dark sexual fantasy. I also appreciate the fact that many people do not want to reveal them for fear of being judged.
It's important background information to know that my friend is rather conservative when it comes to talking explicitly about sex...much less his FANTASIES!
Since the sex, as he revealed, is incredible, he felt that if he kept stalling, he would lose this woman (and the incredible sex). Since he's a very close friend and co-worker, I offered to assist as a "ghost writer" so that he might finally satisfy her curiosity.
From: Thomasnolaguy@yahoo.com
Well…I’m not very good at vividly describing my sexual fantasies because I’m not a writer. I know what I like but I’m afraid that, after revealing my fantasy, you might find me to be boring.
Don't get me wrong, I'm adventurous but I feel that I'm tame compared to most other people. But, here goes.
FIRST, I kill your cat and then throw you down on the bed and rip your clothes off with a box cutter. Then I tie your arms and legs to the bedposts and force you to watch The People’s Court while I paint your toenails.
While we’re waiting for your nails to dry, I go to the kitchen and prepare a box of Kraft Mac n Cheese.
As we wait for the pasta to boil, you finally notice that my next door neighbor is bound and gagged in the corner with his dog. (I’ve also tied up the dog.)
Finally, the macaroni comes to a boil…only I don’t add the cheese. Instead, I drain it and dump the scalding pasta down the front of my neighbor’s pants and kick his dog in the nuts.
He screams in agony through the ball gag as the radio blares Michael Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet” in the background.
He screams in agony through the ball gag as the radio blares Michael Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet” in the background.
Then, I trace every inch of your body with my lips; your mind reels. Your physical senses drown deeply into unadulterated ecstasy.
Even though my neighbor has passed out from clinical shock, you experience an immeasurable level of physical pleasure…and disgust.
My neighbor finally comes to and wonders if he might be an unwitting participant in a “snuff” film. I calm him down by assuring him that I do not own a video camera.
FINALLY, we make sweet and slightly violent love.
You try to kiss me, only you can’t. Primarily because I’ve stuffed a swifter dust mop replacement pad into your mouth.
Just as the dog and my neighbor begin to shit themselves, you succumb to sensory overload and begin to scream and writhe with mind blowing pleasure as I belt out a tune from Fiddler On The Roof.
We mutually reach our peak, releasing pure, sexual energy in an earth shattering burst.
As our bodies explode in the spotlight of raw, primal delight, I spray you in the face with Lemon Fresh Windex and then roll over and watch Sports Center.
Whew! Who ELSE needs a cigarette???
My buddy is no longer dating this woman and I feel that it's a direct result of him not opening up to her. And, perhaps, for not sending the fantasy that I wrote on his behalf.
And, so, he's on the market again.
By the way, before anyone judges me for writing the above email, please know that it's NOT a personal fantasy of mine. I would NEVER waste a Swifter replacement mop head.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2012
My buddy is no longer dating this woman and I feel that it's a direct result of him not opening up to her. And, perhaps, for not sending the fantasy that I wrote on his behalf.
And, so, he's on the market again.
By the way, before anyone judges me for writing the above email, please know that it's NOT a personal fantasy of mine. I would NEVER waste a Swifter replacement mop head.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2012
