For instance, recently I found myself enjoying an iced tea (pronounced: Jameson and self regret) with a couple of buddies and the topic of conversation turned to the following:
"How old is Kenny Rogers?"
I'm not sure, exactly, how or why Kenny Rogers came up in conversation between me and the guys but I feel that it's a clear indication that I need to find new and more exciting friends.
When I returned home later that evening, I pulled out the laptop and visited the most reliable research engine on the Internet (Wikipedia) in order to confirm Kenny's age.
The Internet is a lot like Walmart, in that there's no such thing as a "quick visit" and there's usually a pedophile or two lurking somewhere.
Upon learning more than I needed to know about "The Gambler", one click led to another until I eventually found myself online for approximately 6-hours. My, seemingly, simple web session transported me to fascinating places...such as:
The Internet Movie Database
Home Depot
E-How: "How to convince your ex-girlfriend that you're NOT an asshole"
Genealogy.com
E-Lyrics: Keith Urban "You'll Think Of Me"
Profiles of notorious mass murderers in the United States
Paula Deen's Chicken & Wild Rice made simple
How to not be an ass-hat
Facebook (stalking)
Match.com
E-How "How to convince your ex-girlfriend to have sex with you"
and, finally, a porn site titled:
"Indiana Bones And The Temple Of Bootie"
By the way, Kenny Rogers is 122 years-old. His face is only fourteen.
After an endless web surfing session, I felt that it might be time to continue with a long overdue project that I documented a couple of years ago. The piece was titled:
"On My Way To The Forums"
http://pontchartrainpress.blogspot.com/2010/08/on-my-way-to-forums.html
So, once again, I've spent the past seven weeks getting to know many wonderful people around the planet via forums, boards, chat rooms and social sites.
First up...
Ferret Lovers.com
I have absolutely NO problem with owning a rodent and I have a larger appreciation for those who inherit these lovable creatures after their 12-year old child becomes so bored, apathetic and lazy to the point where the kid nearly starves these defenseless creatures to death.
If you ask me, ferret lovers are TRUE humanitarians and it's high time that they receive the respect they deserve. After all, ferrets ARE one of God's creatures, otherwise Noah wouldn't have placed two of them on the ark. Here's my entry into the (short lived) world of ferret chat:
Slimshady: Anyone know of a good recipe for grilled ferret? I have some snow peas and water chestnut to go with it...I need to use the veggies before the expiration date.
Angel: WTF?
Slimshady: Since you asked, he's right here with me.
Angel: I didn't ASK anything dick...other than WTF???
Slimshady: No need for unpleasantness. You wrote: WTF..."Where's The Ferret?"
Angel: That's not wat I meant, and you know it. I'm not sure if you know much about our community but much of wat we promote ctrs round rescuing abandoned and unwanted ferrets and we're sanctioned by the SPCA.
Slimshady: You do love abbreviations don't U? Or, RU missing keys on your keyboard. I am...but that's a long story which primarily centers around an urgent situation where I had to drop my computer bag from a balcony ledge. It was a fun evening though.
Angel: You probably don't even KNOW what SPCA stands for...jerk.
Slimshady: I know what SPCA, GMAC, FreddieMac, ACLU, GDP. SDI, STD and DMV stand for...pretty impressive huh? (Well, except for STD.) I didn't know what DP stood for until my friend, Darrell, explained it to me. He likes to watch a lot of pornographic videos. BTW, earlier, you misspelled "what." WTF?
Angel: You are ignorrant. We're trying to serve a humane cause by giving homes to thousands of abandoned and unwanted ferrets. Do you know why????
Slimshady: Because they were initially an "impulse purchase" at Pet Smart? BTW, you misspelled ignorant.
Angel: You must have a lot of time on your hands!
Slimshady: Given my current relationship status, yes. The ferret actually belonged to my girlfriend and she offered to move it to her sister's house because I have a cat and a dog..I also accidentally stepped on it one evening after staying out all night with my buddies.
Genealogy.com
E-Lyrics: Keith Urban "You'll Think Of Me"
Profiles of notorious mass murderers in the United States
Paula Deen's Chicken & Wild Rice made simple
How to not be an ass-hat
Facebook (stalking)
Match.com
E-How "How to convince your ex-girlfriend to have sex with you"
and, finally, a porn site titled:
"Indiana Bones And The Temple Of Bootie"
By the way, Kenny Rogers is 122 years-old. His face is only fourteen.
After an endless web surfing session, I felt that it might be time to continue with a long overdue project that I documented a couple of years ago. The piece was titled:
"On My Way To The Forums"
http://pontchartrainpress.blogspot.com/2010/08/on-my-way-to-forums.html
So, once again, I've spent the past seven weeks getting to know many wonderful people around the planet via forums, boards, chat rooms and social sites.
First up...
Ferret Lovers.com
I have absolutely NO problem with owning a rodent and I have a larger appreciation for those who inherit these lovable creatures after their 12-year old child becomes so bored, apathetic and lazy to the point where the kid nearly starves these defenseless creatures to death.
If you ask me, ferret lovers are TRUE humanitarians and it's high time that they receive the respect they deserve. After all, ferrets ARE one of God's creatures, otherwise Noah wouldn't have placed two of them on the ark. Here's my entry into the (short lived) world of ferret chat:
Slimshady: Anyone know of a good recipe for grilled ferret? I have some snow peas and water chestnut to go with it...I need to use the veggies before the expiration date.
Angel: WTF?
Slimshady: Since you asked, he's right here with me.
Angel: I didn't ASK anything dick...other than WTF???
Slimshady: No need for unpleasantness. You wrote: WTF..."Where's The Ferret?"
Angel: That's not wat I meant, and you know it. I'm not sure if you know much about our community but much of wat we promote ctrs round rescuing abandoned and unwanted ferrets and we're sanctioned by the SPCA.
Slimshady: You do love abbreviations don't U? Or, RU missing keys on your keyboard. I am...but that's a long story which primarily centers around an urgent situation where I had to drop my computer bag from a balcony ledge. It was a fun evening though.
Angel: You probably don't even KNOW what SPCA stands for...jerk.
Slimshady: I know what SPCA, GMAC, FreddieMac, ACLU, GDP. SDI, STD and DMV stand for...pretty impressive huh? (Well, except for STD.) I didn't know what DP stood for until my friend, Darrell, explained it to me. He likes to watch a lot of pornographic videos. BTW, earlier, you misspelled "what." WTF?
Angel: You are ignorrant. We're trying to serve a humane cause by giving homes to thousands of abandoned and unwanted ferrets. Do you know why????
Slimshady: Because they were initially an "impulse purchase" at Pet Smart? BTW, you misspelled ignorant.
Angel: You must have a lot of time on your hands!
Slimshady: Given my current relationship status, yes. The ferret actually belonged to my girlfriend and she offered to move it to her sister's house because I have a cat and a dog..I also accidentally stepped on it one evening after staying out all night with my buddies.
I actually just wanted my girlfriend to move out now that I think about it. BTW, I noticed that there's an icon on your site titled "Modern Ferret." Does your ferret use the Internet or play X-box? If so, I'd love to chat with him/her sometime. How can you tell a male from a female ferret anyway?
Angel: I'm done with this convo.
Slimshady: OK. Nice chattin' with you Angel. I'd love to come by and meet you sometime and maybe we can enjoy a test tube of water and five or six Cheerios with the little guy.
I'd also love to learn some tips as to how to remove the putrid smell that ferrets emit in the house. If there's time for a sexual encounter, that'd be great also...between me and you, NOT the ferret. LOL. Anyhoo...Take care. TTYL.
Next up, I decided to get to the bottom of the trials and woes facing seniors by educating myself via the AARP website.
Jim: I'm soooo sick of dog food. Any ideas?
Moderator: Are you serious? Do you need assistance through a local outreach facility? I noticed that your profile indicates that you live in New Orleans. We work closely with a Catholic Charities facility in your community.
Jim: No, I'm afraid of Catholics. Actually, I'm really afraid of the Pope.
Angel: I'm done with this convo.
Slimshady: OK. Nice chattin' with you Angel. I'd love to come by and meet you sometime and maybe we can enjoy a test tube of water and five or six Cheerios with the little guy.
I'd also love to learn some tips as to how to remove the putrid smell that ferrets emit in the house. If there's time for a sexual encounter, that'd be great also...between me and you, NOT the ferret. LOL. Anyhoo...Take care. TTYL.
Next up, I decided to get to the bottom of the trials and woes facing seniors by educating myself via the AARP website.
Jim: I'm soooo sick of dog food. Any ideas?
Moderator: Are you serious? Do you need assistance through a local outreach facility? I noticed that your profile indicates that you live in New Orleans. We work closely with a Catholic Charities facility in your community.
Jim: No, I'm afraid of Catholics. Actually, I'm really afraid of the Pope.
I live in an assisted living apartment complex, so I have shelter...I'm simply not able to stretch my social security through the month so I run a little short on or about the 20th of each month, so I eat dog food.
Moderator: Goodness! We have outreach availability through our membership program if you need it.
Jim: Is it covered via Obama Care? Because according to the Tea Party and Fox News, it's not. I have limited government funds since I'm not Canadian, a U.S. politician or a Cuban refugee. How much is membership?
Moderator: $16.00 and it covers spouses too.
Moderator: Goodness! We have outreach availability through our membership program if you need it.
Jim: Is it covered via Obama Care? Because according to the Tea Party and Fox News, it's not. I have limited government funds since I'm not Canadian, a U.S. politician or a Cuban refugee. How much is membership?
Moderator: $16.00 and it covers spouses too.
Moderator: It covers you AND your spouse...and there are numerous programs that can help with food and housing needs.
Jim: Thankfully, my wife is dead. She was such a bitch...I also suspect that she slept with Mike Ford back in 1973...he was our next door neighbor...he's dead now.
The wife and I stayed together for the kids sake...and for the incredible sex, until she turned 49. That's around the time when I began "staying at the office late" working on "projects" with my secretary.
Moderator: Hmm. Out of curiosity, how old are the kids?
Jim: 58 and 66. They're absolutely adorable!
Moderator: I see. And how did your wife die?
Jim: She "fell" from a 4-story balcony one night while I was trying to watch the new Hawaii Five-O program on the CBS television network.
Moderator: I think it's time for you to move along Jim.
Jim: Yeah, that's what my kids tell me after Sarah died. Sarah was my secretary.
Moderator: No...I mean to another website.
Jim: Ok.
I'm always on the prowl for the next BIG business opportunity. If I could find one which allows me to watch ESPN all day, WHILE I earn a living, I'd be in HEAVEN!
After stumbling upon an advertisement for Career Builders.com and their professional online counselling program, I figured it to be a potentially enlightening prospect to confirm my top career options. After all, we all want to make sure that we're chasing the "best suited" employment path.
Steve: I'm Stephen and I'm here to guide and help you today. We match the right talent with the right opportunity and do so more often than any other site.
Weezer69: Thank you Stephen. Is your name pronounced Steph-aahn (short "A"), or Steeeven)?
Steve: Long "E." How may I assist you with your path to the future today?
Weezer69: Are you a computer? Judging by the way that you write, you sound a little rigid. Are you having a rough day or do you just feel a little backed up in the doo doo department?
BTW, my name, Weezer, is pronounced with a long "E." It's looooong...at least that's what SHE says. LOL!
Steve: I'm going to have to insist that we keep the chat engine application professional. I'm a real person...I assure you. How can we begin building a gateway to your future today?
Weezer69: Steeeeeeve...first of all...you are NEVER going to get laid if you speak the way you write. Not that I get laid either, but I don't get laid for numerous reasons. Neither I, nor my therapist, can explain how this came to be my lot in adult life.
I suspect that my ex-girlfriend, likely, has a few ideas on the subject...none of which still make any sense to me.
Steve: Did you need legitimate assistance with our site or counselling resources today?
Weezer69: Actually, yes. I'm completely satisfied with my career and the company but I absolutely HATE my manager.
Hate is a really strong and unprofessional word now that I think about it...let's change that to abhor.
Fact of the matter is that I really wish that the company owner would wise up and fire, I mean, terminate, him...or simply explain to me why he makes 5-times more than I for doing nothing but screw around on Twitter all day long and engage in intercourse with several of our interns. He even has a company GAS CARD!
Steve: I'm not sure that our site can assist, unless you're looking for another place of employment or a career change.
Weezer69: No...I don't want a new place of employment at all...I haven't had to purchase green tea, toilet paper or salt and pepper in years...thanks to our employee break room. Plus, there are sooooo many hot girls who work here, one of which just lost her children to Child Protective Services in a nasty divorce proceeding. You know what that means? She has the apartment ALL to herself!. Sure, she might be an unfit mom or a total nut job, but there are certain acceptable flaws that I'm able to live with. In manager lingo, that's the old baggage not outweighing the benefits rule Steve.
What I need advice from you for pertains to an entirely different area. I want to know how that one might be able to kill their manager and get away with it...kind of like O.J. Only not with a knife and a small glove...I gag at the sight of blood. And, I don't own a pair of gloves.
There MUST be some sort of pill available to the public that might make it appear as though he had a heart attack or something...sort of like the stuff that the CIA uses on foreign despots that we simply wish to "go away" after we're finished aiding their own warfare efforts with a mutual enemy...unless you ask George W. Bush.
System Admin: account suspended pending review
Steve seemed like a nice guy, but I'm somewhat irritated that he called the "System Admin" police out on me.
One of my fondest childhood memories centers around the motion picture release of Star Wars. My father took me to see it on opening night and that evening will forever hold a special place in my heart.
With that, I decided to surf over to one of the (too many) Star Wars chatrooms where I made a few new friends. I adopted the name of Jabba The Hut's little pet, Salacious Crumb.
When these Star wars guys aren't talking all things Star Wars, I'm sure they're doing important things, such as raising a family, constructing a home made light saber or fantasizing about Princess Leia chained to a fat, menacing blob in her sexy slave outfit.
Salacious Crumb wrote: Does anyone else feel a little let down by the fact that Carrie Fisher looks like a bloated saddle bag and sounds as though she's smoked 800-million packs of cigarettes?
Boba Fett47: She's still hot to me.
Salacious Crumb wrote: Gross.
Boba Fett47: What's gross about it??
Salacious Crumb wrote: I would rather see Skywalker's Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen engaged in a full-blown "69" position over seeing Carrie Fisher naked today! Of course Luke's family is dead now...with the exception of Leia. How creepy is it that George Lucas wrote a scene that nearly brought about incest between Luke and Leia??? I'll bet that he was molested at a young age.
Anyway, I'd rather see the emperor naked in a 3-way with auntie and uncle. I actually cried when I first viewed that scene of their charred remains.
Boba Fett47: Seriously?
Salacious Crumb wrote: Yup. It reminded me of my own deceased aunt and uncle. Only they didn't burn to death at the hands of the evil Empire (not Clear Channel Radio) in order to quench Lord Vader's quest for galactic control. They burned to death because of a lit cigarette in bed.
Jabba Wabba: LOL! That's effed up dude.
Salacious Crumb wrote: Which part? Hey...did anyone else in this room ever wonder why Chewbacca's penis wasn't visible? I mean, you can plainly see the package on all other animals...even those little yappy fur ball dogs, which are typically owned by a high-maintenance girlfriend who likes to shop and yell at you all the time.
Force-Full: You cant see his dick because of the fur.
Salacious Crumb wrote: I'm, oddly, aroused now. Most importantly, I cant even believe that you actually KNOW why Chewie's penis isn't on display! Have you EVER had sex? Hookers don't count.
Boba Fett47: LOL!
Salacious Crumb wrote: Now that I think about it, I'm a little disturbed that there are, apparently, 46 other Boba Fetts on this board Boba47.
Aretoooo-Deeeetoooo: Aunt Beru was hot!
Salacious Crumb wrote: These are not the droids you're looking for.
Leave it to the geeks, living in a basement somewhere in a fly-over state, to NOT toss me off the chatroom. Let that be a lesson to you before making fun of a geek. They, obviously, have mediocre judgement in character...and for that, I applaud them.
Although I spent my childhood summers in the country, I've lived in the inner city for a better portion of my life. As opposed to farm girls, inner city girls don't seem to understand simple things...Such as how to milk a cow, gather eggs, not be psychotic, not to have sex with your room mate, etc.
I felt it to be an excellent idea that I return to the roots of yesteryear in the dating department with the assistance of Farmers Mingle.com.**
**Not the actual website name. It seems that the farmers "web massah" don't have no sense of humor...and Pontchartrain Press cant afford a lawsuit right now.
I found a lovely young farm girl who I feel is the perfect match for me. Yee-Haw!
Mr. GreenJeans: Greetings! My real name is Jim, but I thought Green Jeans was a cool name since I always wondered if he was a REAL farmer when I watched Capt. Kangaroo as a kid. Judging by his demeanor, I suspect that he grew marijuana...given the era and all.
Anyway, I'm 5' 11'' blonde hair, blue eyes and I weigh 160lbs. Although, I've put on a little weight lately since I've been making poor life decisions.
Kassie: LOL! What kind of life decisions?
Mr. GreenJeans: A new Taco Bell opened down the street from my house. It's the first one in Orleans Parish since Hurricane Katrina, which I think serves as a true testament that this city is SERIOUS about rebuilding!
Kassie: You're funny. So, have you ever farmed or lived on a farm?
Mr. GreenJeans: I have indeed.
Kassie: What did you do on the farm?
Mr. GreenJeans: As I recall, I cried a lot because my parents dumped me there each summer for three months. Other than that, I split a lot of logs and baled hay with my uncle and his farm-hand, Mr. Billy. That is, until Mr. Billy touched me in an area that my mother described to the authorities as "inappropriate."
Which is funny, because when my first real girlfriend, Andrea Pearson, touched me there, it was nothing short of spectacular.
BTW...When I say "short" I don't mean "IT" if you know what I mean.
Kassie: So, why did you and Andrea break up?
Mr. GreenJeans: She was, tragically, killed in a car accident. Her dad drank a lot and he ran over a mule and buggy...they lived near an Amish farm.
Kassie: Well, Mr. GJ, it's been nice chatting with ya.' If you're ever near Western Kentucky, stop by for a visit.
Mr. GreenJeans: I can be there by 9am tomorrow.
Kassie: Um, seriously?
Mr. GreenJeans: Yeah, I don't see any need to waste time. I'm a good judge of character just by talking with someone. I can already tell that YOU are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Mr. GreenJeans: ????
Kassie: Member has logged off
So much for blue skies and fresh air. Sigh.
I finished my session with the fine folks at a Turrets Syndrome support group. Please forgive me for, what I will call, a bit of gratuitous nonsense.
Community Member Jim: FUCK MY BALL SACK!
Admin: User Account Suspended
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| You got to know when to fold em'
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2013
Author's Note: This is a piece which is presented as a belated birthday gift to a talented comedy mind, Eric frrom Philly. It also represents two important aspects which comprise my character...I hold total disregard where dates and time are concerned, and I'm a cheap bastard.
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