...or, there's a reason it's just "okay"
One of my close friends, Marie, who also happens to be a senior writer at Pontchartrain Press, recently had a little too much time on her hands. She, typically, has free time because she's constantly beating her deadlines in order to kiss Mike, the editor's, ass. At least that's what I suspect. So,She decided to pass some time by engaging in a little small-talk with a young man on a popular dating website. And now...Here's Marie's attempt at dating:
**new members that seem to fit some criteria that makes them a recommended date. In my case, probably a serial killer and/or suicidal.
Today, the subject line was "Someone has chosen you!"
The text of the e-mail had a picture, screen name (SkinnyPaleGuy), and the following insight:
"He's totally into you! Go send him a message. You got this email because he rated you 4 or 5 stars."
How was I to resist?
I went to his profile, where I learned that:
- He doesn't use capitalization
- Is admittedly shallow
- And, likes using uncomfortable truths to make people squirm
His profile also indicated that he "replies often" to e-mails and was only interested in women. Unless you're a guy that looks like Chris Corner of Sneaker Pimps...then we can definitely talk".
He also included a mirror self-pic of his bare chest and stomach with the caption:
"i admit the torso pic is pretty douchey, but you have to be a little bit of a douche to use a dating site in the first place so whatever. i'm not above it. i'm not really above much of anything, for that matter. i'm a shameless human being".
HOW could I possibly resist having some fun with this guy after reading his tag line??
Marie- I am writing to test your "replies often" status. And also, because the site told me too. Plus, I'm just a sheep that does whatever the Internet tells me to do.
Oh, and because the site tells me that you rated me "4 or 5" stars. I didn't realize that my profile could be graded like a restaurant review; so now I have to know: was it 4 or 5? And why is this site so vague about it? I mean it was EITHER 4 or 5. Why not tell me which?
For the record, I am sending this message before looking at the torso pic that you mention in your profile. I'm putting off viewing your, admitted, douchery until I see if you really DO "reply often".
SkinnyPaleGuy- yes, i really do reply often! i'll admit, sometimes i'm tempted to ignore a few messages just so i can get one of those snobby elitist "very selectively" tags. i bet there are actually women out there who won't date a guy if he doesn't have one of those. like, she thinks "i'm not dating a guy who 'replies often'" ya know? but i just can't bring myself to ignore someone
as for the rating, i gave you five stars. what i do is, i just go to the "quickmatch" thingy and just keep hitting five stars over and over again without even looking at the pictures or reading anything. it's like casting out a huge dragnet of mass-market dating!
it's actually a pretty effective strategy. i've been fucking like three or four women per day on average
i bet you wonder if i'm kidding or serious lol
Marie- Hehehehehe....no, I feel very confident that you're kidding. If it were true, you wouldn't have time to "reply often".
SkinnyPaleGuy - well, your confidence is misplaced because i am totally serious lmfao!
and yes, time is my number one enemy. there never seems to be enough of it (or enough condoms)
so... wanna have sex?
Marie - In general, or do you mean with you, specifically?
SkinnyPaleGuy - lmfao! perfect response :D
i like you
Marie - Thanks. And thanks for pulling your dick out of someone long enough to provide a timely response to an email.
And, for the record, I have a post-slutty-phase philosophy to which I strictly adhere. I don't sleep with anyone I don't like, or who doesn't like me...Or who doesn't respond to emails in a timely fashion. So things are looking good for you.
I'm not trying to be coy or hard-to-get...because I am neither of those things. I'm just old and wise. Oh, and I have a very complicated schedule, one which requires thoughtful planning and may interfere with you fucking all of the women, or that one guy from that band you mentioned.
SkinnyPaleGuy - no pulling out was necessary. this is my "down time," hence why i'm on okcupid in the first place
i can work around a complicated schedule because there is no schedule more complicated than my own
i must warn you, my penis is habit forming
Marie - Yes, but your personality may be the first step in breaking the addiction. (See how I worked a "dick" reference in there? I'm good with the words if you notice)
SkinnyPaleGuy - what are you talking about? my personality is pure, distilled awesome sauce! i realize now that i should've ignored your message to earn my "very selectively" tag
now go check out my torso pic and see what you cheated yourself out of by being a mean jerk
Marie - I've been known to be a bit TOO snarky in my attempts at witty repartee. Please don't take it personally. I'm sure that you have a lovely penis. Probably the BEST penis of all time.
The "More addictive than heroin, gonna have to get on methadone, someone-pull me out of the crack-gutter cause' I'm hooked on his jock most habit forming penis of all time.
Whew!! Seriously. Congratulations on the nice genitals.
And there you have it. My adventure in online dating and, apparently, the reason why I fail so miserably at it.
Post Script from Jim: BRAVO Marie! This is why you are so valued as a friend, a writer AND a woman with large breasts on the staff. He should have seen YOUR torso pic. His loss.
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2013
