Such a tragedy.
We live in an era like no other-- where amazing technological advances provide instant information about important stories and events which affect our daily lives and our personal well being…such as this earth shattering news scad:
“Where’s Obama’s Wedding Ring???”
(Insert gasp and ominous music here)
From Sunlen Miller of ABC News: For at least two days President Obama’s left hand has been unadorned by his wedding band. The White House said that beyond the typical cleaning that most rings get, Mr. Obama’s intricate gold ring needed a little repairing. White House aides declined to elaborate on what specifically was wrong with the ring.
I watched two talking heads speculate for about 4-minutes as to the whereabouts and significance of the missing ring; which I think provides a fairly clear perspective as to my having nothing particularly important to do with my time.
The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?
I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!
The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?
I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!
My point being, these people don’t even look real!! I’m convinced that they unplug the anchors after the cameras stop rolling.
As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for the poor set maintenance guy who’s in charge of unplugging the news anchors at the end of the day.
News Director: Dammit Frank…you left Allison plugged in again all night!
Frank: Sorry sir, I got distracted when Jon, the mid-day anchor, began to loosen up and his posture became somewhat slumped. He was able to actually move his head like a normal human so we used the Peaucellier linkage rhombus method and fixed him…now he’s as straight as Anderson Cooper.
News Director: Anderson Cooper is straight???
Everything revolves around sensationalism in today’s electronic media:
Anchor: We go now to Susan Wolffe for a breaking story…Susan, we’ve noticed that President Obama has been without his wedding band for a couple of days.
Susan: That’s right Bill. The White House is saying that the president is simply having his ring cleaned and repaired.
Anchor: Hmmm. Susan, did you get the feeling that the White House’s response indicates that the president is, in fact, hosting gay orgies in a secret subterranean room within the White House, because, I must say, their statement to the media sounds rather fishy to me.
Susan: Absolutely Bill and that’s very observant of you. We tracked down the press secretary and asked him why the president is wearing more pastel ties and using the word “fabulous” a lot lately.
Anchor: I see…and did they give you any indication that the president is indeed sleeping with British Prime Minister David Cameron??
Susan: We showed him a tape of the recent meeting between the President and Prime Minister Cameron and pointed out that they shared an uncomfortably lengthy hug in the East Room at their press conference.
Anchor: I saw that video too! Coupled with the OBVIOUS signal that the president is sending out to the gay community by not wearing his ring, I'd say the White House is CLEARLY hiding something. What was his response?
Susan: He asked us to leave. And then he skipped away.
Anchor: Great reporting on our top story and an obviously developing sex scandal; thanks Susan. In other news, three soldiers were injured today in Iraq…
Election coverage is always entertaining…the Olympics of absurdity and over-analyzed information if you will.
Speaking of politics, did you know that Speaker of The House, John Boehner (somehow pronounced Bainer) has become a topic of conversation amongst politicos due to his unnatural tan? WHO CARES?
If someone prefers to glow with a rich and deep hue of Kool-Aid orange-flavored juice who am I to stop him or her?
They actually send out a public policy poll which asks important questions such as:
“Do you believe that the growing nuclear weapon threat and escalating social and political unrest in Iran is directly related to gay sex orgies being conducted in the White House basement? And is John Boehner's tan hindering border control efforts in the U.S.???"
Election Central: Results are pouring in as the polls close and we're keeping a particularly close eye on a heated battle going on in the Wyoming Senate race. We’re also watching my co-host, Consuela Saalevraduena-Smith's, face melt under the hot stage lights here on the set.
For more insight we’re happy to be joined by political genius and space alien, James Carville. James, what are your thoughts about tonight’s key races?
Carville: Well, first of all, let me say that Consuela’s low cut top is nothing short of sensational.
Look, the voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue that there were Republicans.
For the longest time I didn't even know that my wife was a Republican...until I came home early one afternoon and caught her misting Congressman Bohner's back with spray-on tan.
Most voters don't know the difference between good (Democrats) and evil (Republicans.) It's my job to educate them...sort of like Yoda in Star Wars.
Election Central: Can you give us an example?
Carville: We did a mass mailer last week with a picture of Sarah Palin and assured voters that if she is elected she WILL eat their children.
Election Central: I see…and you have proof of this?
Carville: Of course I do but it’s none of your business. Sharing too much information is what loses elections.
Election Central: How’s that?
Carville: Because I said so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the space ship.
 |
| James Carville |
Nagin: The tropical breeze brewing in the South Pacific will most likely KILL everyone on the Gulf Coast…TOMORROW!
Election Central: The South Pacific is nowhere near the Gulf Coast-- what’s the basis of your assertion??
Nagin: Because I’m drunk right now but Crown Royal gives me unusually powerful analytical acumen. Look, we need to take back the Chocolate City.
Election Central: Are you feeling okay Mayor Nagin?
Nagin: Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of??? I’m fine but I’m very concerned about this tropical breeze. This is not a normal storm…it’s a special storm with voodoo powers.
I’ve also heard that it’s an extremely racist storm and is only targeting African American neighborhoods. I recommend that everyone evacuate immediately or the National Guard will be ordered to shoot everyone in the Gulf Coast states and then they will be ordered to burn their houses down.
Election Central: Mr. Mayor, thank you for, uh, your perspective. Joining us now for insight on the New York mayoral race is Reverend Jesse Jackson…Reverend Jackson what’s the impact of a republican win tonight?
Rev. Jackson: Burger King is a racist organization. Why can't we just stick to the issues here and talk about what's important tonight??
Election Central: What does any of that have to do with the New York mayoral race?
Rev. Jackson: I noticed that you put me on last for an interview...Hmmm…I wonder why that is??
Election Central: Uh, this is the only time that your aide indicated that you were available reverend.
Rev. Jackson: I also noticed that you just tried to change the subject by talking about my schedule.
Look, it’s clear that you’re a member of the KKK…I plan to speak about this to my congregation this Sunday and I'll urge them to boycott your network…as soon as I start a congregation.
I've become particularly amused by the vagueness in news reporting; all for the sake of being FIRST to “break” a story.
Anchor: We go now LIVE to Chip Woodsworth to the site of a major disaster unfolding right now! Chip, where are you and what can you tell us?
Chip: Well, Dick, we're broadcasting right now on a grainy, shaky satellite camera phone for dramatic effect. We're located near the disaster site somewhere between the 30th and 40th parallel where this terrible disaster is unfolding.
Anchor: Is that north or south latitude?
Chip: Sorry Dick, I should have clarified...it's SOUTH latitude. Had it been north latitude this terrible disaster would have been a MAJOR catastrophe!
Breaking news graphic and dramatic music sound effect
Anchor: This just in...Reporter Chip Woodsworth has just informed us that a MAJOR catastrophe has been averted at an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet. Chip, Have you spoken with any of the victims?
Chip: Yes, Dick, I have. They are obviously grief-stricken and in shock. This is one of the hardest assignments that I've ever had to do but, as you know, we sometimes have to get deep into the trenches amongst the people and get our hands dirty...which is why I'm standing above the disaster site on an elevated 8-million dollar platform which our engineers constructed this afternoon.
Anchor: I can see that you're wearing your Jones of New York brown sport coat with your shirt collar unbuttoned!
Chip: Yes...conditions here are deplorable!!! We don't even have a stylist on site!!!
We simply felt that it would be gaudy to roam around this disaster in suits. That's why I'm wearing Hilfiger jeans so I can blend in. You can rest assured that I will NOT leave the scene until we find out exactly what happened or why all of these people are dead.
I, personally, have not eaten for 3 hours and it was simply a warm brie with pear preserves on a tomato basil melba square!!
Anchor: Horrible!!!
Chip: This job is not always glamorous Dick.
Anchor: Stay safe Chip...we're all praying for you and the victims' families.
While there are many things which amuse me about soaking up today’s slick, high-tech news reporting, there’s nothing funnier than when a news anchor’s teleprompter dies:
Anchor: With the unemployment rate at 9.6 percent, lawmakers are looking for ways to create jobs. Republicans say tax cuts should be…um…well they, uh….er…the people on the side of the one aisle in Congress feel that….(nervous laugh) Well, darn it all, we’re having a bit of a technical glitch…and I’m not wearing pants under this news desk…We go now to political strategist James Carville for perspective.
Carville: George W. Bush is responsible for this teleprompter glitch, and the impending meteor which is barreling toward earth at 97-million miles per second.
By the way, is Consuela off tonight??
Informative, entertaining, damn good looking and, sometimes, downright absurd.
Anchor: Our top story tonight…network daredevil reporter, Chip Wordsworth...Uh, I'm sorry, they're telling me in my earpiece...WOODSWORTH. Chip has died.
Witnesses tell us that he apparently choked on a piece of melba & brie, causing him to lose his balance. Chip fell from an elevated news platform covering a major disaster in an undisclosed location.
Our judgmental, confrontational, accusatory secret investigation team of reporters, lead by Glenn Beck, are trying to confirm any connection to gay orgies at the White House and how this might have led to Miley Cyrus’ estrangement with her father.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Editor's Note: The slave laborers at Pontchartrain Press, along with a handful of people who work diligently to inspire Jim (hold him while he cries uncontrollably every night), are quite happy to take a shot of whiskey in your honour and bid you a very pleasant day...Unless you already have other plans.
