I’ve been chatting recently with some friends who seem especially down these days and it prompted me to solicit their assistance for a personal view of what they believe happiness really is. For some, it’s passing an exam, for others it might be taking a walk with their child on a lazy afternoon in the park.
Here’s a few responses that I received from friends as a contribution to this piece: (I've also included a few of my own)
Happiness Is…
Sean: Seeing a child’s face light up when you hand him/her a strawberry ice cream cone and then snatch it away, eating it instantly while they cry uncontrollably. (I’m kidding…I hate strawberry ice cream…and kids)
Lynn: Grocery shopping with a friend while dressed as Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton while singing “Islands in the Stream” throughout the store for no apparent reason.
JIM: Stabbing people who actually utter the acronym “WTF!” in a face to face conversation. Then, while standing over their lifeless body in a filthy, desolate alleyway, I scream back to them OMG, LMFAO!! TTYL!
Mark: Petting a pretty kitten. And then shaking hands with your boss who has a severe, debilitating allergy to cat hair. And then kick him in the balls.
Steve: Witnessing public speaking faux pas’ (I’m looking in the direction of the Arizona Governor)
Heather: The closing credits of Glen Beck’s Fox News program.
Shannon: (My neighbor) Experiencing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
JIM: Being able to slip away un-noticed from your neighbor’s closet after witnessing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
Matt: The peace and tranquility when the construction crew jack-hammering, which awakens you each morning, is ordered to cease operations indefinitely because Immigration Agents have raided the worksite.
Todd: The way a new romantic interest gazes into your eyes lovingly as you breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that you seem to have been successful in making them believe that you’re not a sexual deviant, at least long enough to see her naked.
Jamie: Giving sage, comforting advice to a friend who is feeling down.
JIM: Realizing that it’s time to find a new circle of friends.
I have a friend, we’ll call her Lynn (primarily because her name is Lynn). She called me after suffering for an entire day from an inexplicable case of the blahs. I spent a few moments with her on the phone, mainly because I was waiting for the bartender to change the Guinness keg, and offered her an exercise in treating the blahs. Rearrange your house!
I advised her to take a label maker (post-it notes will also work) and label everything in the house, then rearrange it alphabetically. (clockwise, beginning at the front door) Afterwards, go out and pick up a one night stand to bring home for cheap, meaningless “love” on top of a pile of Brillo Pads.
*They will be closer to the front door
Afterwards, ask your random sexual conquest if they can help scrub the bathtub.
**Also near the door
Stress, stress, stress. My friend Tony is always uptight about something, which makes him an easy target for fun. One night me and the guys took Tony out on the town and got him drunk and then convinced him that someone had stolen his glove compartment. Talk about jumpy…and gullible.
I have some friends who seem impervious to the blahs. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m quite impressed. My friend Carrie noticed that I was in a funk this week when she proudly showed me a new fart “App” that she downloaded to her phone. I don’t know which was most disturbing- that she actually downloaded a fart “App” or that I listened to all 20 farts. It chased away the blues though…and a few people sitting nearby.
I suppose I’m most happiest while taking in a nice afternoon stroll, observing the world and its occupants around me. I also enjoy it when someone falls off a bicycle…there’s no graceful way to fall off a bicycle and it makes me laugh every time. I also enjoy interacting with many interesting people who not only take time to read my writing, but make time to send me an email.
Reader comment: "Your posts are too long for lazy people to read the whole thing in one sitting.Cheers"
Jim: You're correct...my writings are rather long, but it's all part of my master plan to weed out the lazy people.
Me and my team plan to round up all the lazy people (we'll identify them because they will be the ones who don't read an entire story in one sitting) and then we'll put them on a rocket ship and shoot them into space.
Only, we won't randomly shoot them into space, that would be lazy. We will shoot them into the trajectory of an errant meteor where the rocket ship and meteor will collide...killing all on board. (note: the meteor may sustain slight damage, but nothing major that will impede its progress of smashing into earth and triggering another ice age.)
No one will hear the incident because, as they say, in space no one can hear you scream.
I've been told that there are a lot of lazy people in space also...which explains why none of the other planets have been developed with viable infrastructures.
By the way, in case another ice age does, in fact, occur, I have purchased an underground bunker in Wyoming...you or any of your friends are welcome to stay there if you want.
Thanks for reading my stuff and remember, if you didn't read it in one sitting, we'll know… WE’LL KNOW.
Now that we’ve, hopefully, chased away some of the blahs, I bid you a happy day filled with… something deep and poetic which I should insert here.
For the lazy, soon to be rocket ship victims, this piece is only 1,040 words and unedited. Mike “The Editor” is off this week undergoing a personality transplant procedure.
Countdown: three, two, 1,040.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's Note: This note does NOT count toward the 1,040 words...so shut up! This little piece is dedicated to one of the best friends money can buy...wait, that's not what I meant. This is for Rikki. I hope it made you smile but, most importantly, I hope you know what a shining light you are to so many people. I thank you.
