It stirs memories of when the neighborhood association asked if I’d like to join their board. This pretty much speaks to their lenient member acceptance policy and it might explain why our neighborhood association didn‘t accomplish much.
Those meetings were incredibly boring. All they did was sit around griping about some guy who never mowed his yard or some redneck who erected a wagon wheel mailbox.
Honestly, I felt that Jameson on the rocks would make these meetings far more interesting. They held a different opinion which, I think, makes them fairly closed minded. So…I took my whiskey and went home.
I always seem to cause trouble via the written form of social communication, thus the primary reason why I dislike sending letters, responding to emails and generally responding to any message…people tend to misread them.
I’m especially bad at communicating via text messages.
It's virtually impossible to communicate nuances and inflection via text message since space is limited. C'mon, I need a canvas to effectively paint a picture…HOW can people expect me to work well under such a creativity stifling cloud??? OMG!!
My friend Amanda is a writer and a very effective and brilliant communicator. She also has gigantic breasts. I'm not sure how that last fact is relevant to this story...but it just came to mind
However, since I’ve known her, she tends to take things personally and then ends up thinking that people are always mad at her.
If you ask me, I think that she was probably beaten with sticks by the other children when she was younger.
Amanda: Hey…u watchin’ the game 2nite at the pub??
Me: Yep
Amanda: What’s wrong : ( Ru mad @me???
Me: uh…no.
Amanda: U seemed short w/ur txt
Me: Oh, sorry, was just answering your question but I foolishly overlooked the real question behind the question. I meant that I fully intend to watch the match between the Saints of New Orleans and the Patriots who hail from an area which can only be described as our great nation’s cradle of liberty…the majestic land of New England.
Of course, as history notes, some residents of early New England were sociopaths but they knew how to throw a party.
BTW, Today I found myself wishing that they‘d bring back burning people at the stake as a means of punishment.
Anyway, I very much look forward to the game; but not as much as I greatly anticipate seeing your radiant smile and crystal bright blue eyes. Even the most beautiful Shakespearean sonnet pales by comparison to the magnificence which lights up a room simply by your very presence.
I would text message my favorite sonnet but I don’t really want to send 14 txts since I’m almost over my limit and AT & T charges about $750.00 per txt after that.
I hope that we can hold each other tight throughout the entire game tonight, as though we’re exchanging body heat to survive sub-zero temperatures on an Andean mountainside after a terrible plane crash.
We’ll only release our embrace long enough to take a sip of beer here and there. By the way, if we WERE stranded on an Andean mountainside, I promise that I would NEVER entertain the thought of killing and eating your body in order to survive.
It was quite negligent of me to answer your previous question with such a flippant and angry txt such as “yep.” What time do you plan to arrive at the pub?? And, will you be topless? Xoxo
Amanda: 6pm...Smartass
Me: R U mad at me?
 |
| This is Amanda. I love to sit across from her and write...all day long! |
I finally checked my email this week. I usually check it every 5 or 6 months just to stay on top of things.
I made the mistake of signing up for CNN email alerts…I’m not quite sure why I thought that was a good idea since I have about a thousand emails promoting topics being covered on the Nancy Grace Show.
Nancy Grace reminds me of that crazy aunt that comes over for Christmas dinner…even if it’s not Christmas.
My friend Craig is cool and I like to hang out with him at the pub because it reminds me that I would make a far better liver donor than he.
I haven’t seen Craig in a while, which prompted him to send me an email.
From: Craig craig248@gmail.com
To: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 August 2010
Subj:: Whatup??
Havent seen u out in a while...gonna get out later or r u just gonna be lazy 2nite and sit around?
From: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Craig craig248@gmail.com
Date: 26 August 2010
Re: re: Whatup??
Whew!! Sorry for the delay in getting back with you Craig.
Actually I did not, in fact, get out on 12 August nor was I being lazy.
Me and Pete, the guy who got drunk and went to the bathroom on your couch last year, have been constructing a hot air balloon made from Hefty® 4-ply trash bags.
The neighbor’s kid on South Cortez Street is having a birthday party and we’re gonna surprise the kids by flying overhead and drop Mike & Ike® candies from above. I stole them from the radio station.
I didn’t feel bad about taking them since my boss was a ginormous tool-box…plus they’ve been giving them out to children since that Halloween promotion from 4-years ago.
I don’t think Mike & Ike’s® go bad though since no one is really sure what they’re made of. Kind of like Cher©
Pete thinks we should go to Rouse’s and buy a bunch of Sushi instead since it would be healthier for the kids.
He always gets the California Rolls and we argue all the time about it because everyone knows that a California Roll is not really sushi as much as a ”prop” to make people who are scared of sushi to look “hip“…even though they look like an alcoholic suffering from DT‘s trying to use chopsticks.
By the way that reminds me, Pete is drinking heavily again.
To make a long story short...I’ve never understood the concept of imitation crab in the California Roll. I once asked an imitation crab fisherman and he explained that it’s cheaper and safer to consume for those with shellfish allergies.
I thanked him for the explanation and then I poked him with a stick-pin and he deflated and I folded him up and handed him over to his imitation crab fisherman first mate.
Most people are scared of eating raw fish…not me. Unless it’s a Stonefish.
Pete suggested that we should check prices on Stonefish because it has a cool name and might better impress the kids, until I explained to him that they have potent neurotoxins secreted from glands at the base of their needle-like dorsal fin spines which stick up when disturbed or threatened and that they are the world’s deadliest species of fish.
Pete just stared at me for a moment and agreed that Mike & Ike’s® would be a safer bet.
Soooo…to make a longer story shorter, what are you doing Friday? Wanna get out and kick-it??
Craig usually nervously laughs at my silliness and pretends that I'm normal, which is good, because he's about 4-times my size and looks like a WWE wrestler and could kill me with his thumbnail.
Earlier this year I found an email from my buddy Jeff, who also happens to be fortunate enough to be my landlord. I say fortunate because, as opposed to his other tenants, he only has to remind me 7 or 8 times that my rent is due.
From: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
To: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: WTF???
VERY FUNNY putting my name on the Justin Bieber email fan list!! Hahahaha.
Hey, I’m gonna be over from the Northshore 2mrrw…you think you can meet me so I can get the rent? Or just leave it in the top cabinet outside the laundry room?? It’s only 12 days late dude. Lemme know ASAP.
From: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: re:WTF???
Sorry I’m late…I completely forgot the date for rent.
I tend to block things out of my mind on or about the 1st of each month because, as you know, I was married in 1999.
On the surface that doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the 1st of the month, so I'll quickly explain.
One of my ex-wife’s favorite songs was from Bones Thugs -n- Harmony, which should have been my first warning sign.
At any rate, the song “First of tha Month” was widely popular about the time we got married.
We had a very nice marriage but, as these things sometimes go, we grew apart. I suppose I feel a certain sense of failure for not being able to save the marriage so the Bones/Thugs song reminds me of a period that I‘m trying to block from my mind..which, unfortunately, coincides with rent due date.
I also try to block the period around each Flag Day from my mind, which centers around a story about my friend Kenny (he's no longer with us) but that's a reeeal long story.
BTW, did you know that the title of the Bones/Thugs song specifically references waiting on line at the welfare office? I always enjoyed watching VH1’s “Pop Up Video” didn’t you?
I’ll leave the rent check in the box outside the laundry room. Heads-up…The next door neighbor is probably going to want to talk with you.
My buddies Todd and Ed came over yesterday afternoon to watch a baseball game. Everyone always brings something to eat and Ed brought Mulligatawny soup.
Ed is a chef at a snobby restaurant that none of us can afford and he always has to show off. Todd brought a beef and bean casserole with a spicy (and tasty) Rotel cheese dip and Fritos Scoops…Of course he also brought his annoying girlfriend who got drunk and puked on the living room rug.
Sadly, I couldn’t prepare a dish because I don’t have any money left since I have to give it all to you for rent.
Anyway, we gave some of the mulligatawny and the Rotel cheese dip to the neighbor’s dog and I suppose it was so spicy that the dog just went crazy; he began running in circles trying to find some water and ran into the road where he was hit by a Fed-X truck.
The dog is gonna be okay but the neighbor said something to the effect that he planned to have a conversation with you.
I can’t remember exactly how he worded it because he was yelling and saying a bunch of dirty words and I was fairly drunk.
Anywhooo...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow so you can take all of my money. BTW, I’ve attached a picture of the front gate…Do you know who these belong to??
There are some instances where a personal visit, rather than a letter, is unavoidable…the DMV license renewal notice being a prime example.
I absolutely HATE my driver’s license picture. I would be happy to pay extra if they’d hire Olan Mills or Glamour Shots to come in and do the shoot.
Sure, I know that they’ll force me to pose with my hand randomly positioned on my chin so that I look like I’m studiously in deep thought about nothing in particular or staring to the distance looking at absolutely nothing; at least I won’t look like a suspected pedophile in a police lineup.
When I went in for my license picture recently I politely asked if they could use a soft lens and aim a box-fan toward me so that I might look like I’m walking down the beach. They axed that idea so then I asked if I needed to disrobe.
For the record, it took forever getting my picture snapped because, as I announced to the photographer, I simply needed to know my “motivation” so that I could strike the appropriate pose.
The state trooper was quite helpful in explaining my “motivation” and we snapped the picture.
By the way, the state trooper was quite an effective communicator.
And, once again, I'm stuck with a pic which makes me look like I should be driving a windowless van near the school playground for a few more years.
I get “E-Vites” all the time and it still amazes me that we live in an age where one can send invitations instantly and effortlessly. Actually it amazes me more so that I still receive invitations to events.
There’s a lot of pressure associated with being the recipient of the E-vite…especially in responding. Typically, you have limited reply avenues:
Will you be attending Julie and Tim’s housewarming party?
Yes
No
Maybe
The correct answer is always “NO”
“Maybe” indicates that you’re stalling for time in order to come up with a believable excuse not to attend...so it’s ultimately a wishy-washy "Soft NO.” **
**(Note: Professional politicians covet the word "maybe")
I usually just ignore the e-vite and, after a few weeks pass, tell the person that I just now got email access back since my house burned down and then I send them a toaster oven.
One final piece of unfinished business online in the correspondence department which involves my ongoing torture of Mike "The Editor."
Welcome to Hookup.com a place where millions of singles & swingers are at your fingertips. Meet real people with verified contact info near New Orleans. Share sexy pics, explore erotic fantasies and have a hookup RIGHT NOW using our live video webcam chat. Get laid today!!!
Member- Anastasia694u has sent you a message: Hey Mike…I saw where you live nearby, can you send me a pic and details?? Your profile just listed your location and age.
Member- Bi Mike469: Hey Anastasia. I live Uptown and am hot, horney and ready to please!!! Mmmm!
I’m an editor for a small publishing house plus I write speeches for a very important state official so I’m real discreet.
Btw...It’s okay for you to contact me at work (at the number in my profile) because I trust you.
I’m looking for a bondage encounter between me, my girlfriend (Emily) you and, possibly, a guy named Kevin.
Kevin is my assistant editor who has an abnormal attraction to 1970's television action series black actresses. Do you own an afro-wig by chance?
BTW, Emily will probably answer the phone at the number in my profile, but it’s perfectly okay for you to tell her who you are. Don't worry if she acts surprised and begins to yell...she's got an anger fetish.
Anyway…I’ve attached a photo per your request…I had a self portrait sketched on Navy Pier last year on my trip to Chicago. Talk to you soon. Also, you can reach me on my personal cell.(that's the second number in my profile)
Mike should have his hands full for a while now so maybe he'll leave me alone.
There are many forms of written communication-- email, text, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah.
Call me silly if you will...but my favorite form of communication still involves pen, paper and a blank canvas...
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has read this crap from week to week. Your emails and in-person comments have been an inspiration...more than you know.
I shall stop short of hugging you...unless you have very large breasts and promise to press them against me.
Now go email bomb my friend Craig! Tell him that you saw his profile on Craigslist "casual encounters" swinger section and that you want to see him in his tight, outdated "nut-shorts."
It'll be fun and will, hopefully, embarass him to the point that he'll STOP wearing them in public. hehehe
