I like the Internet. You can find answers to every single question imaginable…anytime, anywhere. Plus, there’s lots of dirty pictures AND one can find a hook-up on Craig's List while saving some Nigerian exile who has inherited a billion dollars and all he needs for you to do is to provide your bank account number. Simple enough.
I especially take comfort in knowing that there are thousands of forums and message boards out there…There's virtually something for everybody.
Whether you're craving fun stuff, games, self help or someone to simply lend a sympathetic ear, it's all available within the click of a mouse.
I’ve never visited forums or message boards before…until last week. I made lots of lifelong friends and mine was an experience that I shall treasure forever. Behold...my week-long adventure in cyberspace...
GENERAL CHAT BOARD YAHOO
User Frankie: How do I post a humor entry?
User Frankie: (I have no clue how.)
User Jim: Directions for posting a humor entry…
1. Post a query on the humor message board asking "How do I post a humor entry?"
2. Then subtitle query with "I have no clue how."
3. Hit "post/reply button" then pause for hysterical laughter!!!!
I sometimes can’t figure out how to do things, such as blink my eyes or go to the bathroom.
One time I forgot to breathe, which was quite frightening due to the fact that I was in a WiFi dead spot and couldn’t get on the Internet to post on a forum “How do I begin to breathe again?”
I would have subtitled my query “I have no clue how…Pleeeease hurry”
Fortunately I suddenly remembered how to breathe again and everything was okay, relatively speaking.
It just occurred to me…was your post actually an abstract joke??? If so I must say it’s quite brilliant now that I think about it.
Would you like to go out on a date sometime? I’m not a huge conversationalist, as I’m a bit shy.
However, I’m lots of fun in bed because I am triple jointed and can contort my body like a ceiling mounted garage pulley.
You should skip the message boards and go straight to Google and type in “Ceiling mounted garage pulley” and then just picture my face on it and you can get a pretty good idea of what I can do. I’ve attached a picture of myself though.
Anyway, just let me know if you wanna kick it sometime. I love you Frankie…you‘re funny!!
MAYBE MOMMY FORUM
This seems to be a site dedicated to those who think that they might be pregnant or simply aren't sure of the signs.
If you find yourself in this dire situation, I recommend going to this board FIRST, before going on the "Who's My Baby Daddy?" chat site.
I'm impressed by how quickly they got back with me on my question. BTW, I used a female name, what with being a man and all I didn't want to irritate anyone or make them uncomfortable. I chose the name of my ex girlfriend, Felicia...primarily because the name NOLAbar Ho was taken...
User Felicia: First of all, I want to say that I'm fully aware that when a woman has her period it is usually a sign that she is not pregnant. However, my last period (which started on the 22nd of July) started 2 days earlier than usual and was a little lighter, then it was heavy and has now lasted for longer than usual. As of today, I’d say 450 to 500 days.
User Annette: OMG! Go to the doctor!!
User Felicia: I’m scared of doctors so I really don’t want to go for a visit. Actually I’m scared of babies too, especially the really ugly ones that people make you look at when they show you pictures while you’re out trying to just have a good time on the town with friends. Then you have to pretend and say nice things like “Oh, she is really…adorable. Where did you get her?”
Now that I think about it, I’m scared of my boyfriend too. He’s been having a tough time at work at the pool cue factory and they’ve been laying a bunch of people off lately so he comes home in a bad mood. I get really scared now when people bring a pool cue anywhere near me, especially when they raise it in the air and talk loudly. I’m on another message board trying to tackle that issue.
I’ve been feeling nauseous but just wrote it off as a bug…or that maybe it was from looking at pictures of my best friend‘s really horrendously ugly kid, but my boyfriend hadn't been feeling that way and he told me to stop asking annoying questions or else he would go get the pool cue. That’s why I turned to the Maybe Mommy message board.
In addition to the nausea, I've had a couple small dizzy spells, mostly when I move from one place to another a little too quickly but I figured it was due to the 6 tequila shots.
I've also had some lower back pain, my breasts have been extra sensitive and I have been very tired. The extra sensitive breast thing has been kind of nice by the way.
I didn't become concerned until I saw that my belly was starting to protrude a bit further out than normal.
I thought it might be because I ate a lot at the Pizza Hut all you can eat buffet last night but I asked the boyfriend to look at my belly to confirm that I wasn't crazy. He verified that I AM crazy but he also confirmed that my belly looked funnier than usual...and then he punched it like a punching bag real hard.
When I started to Google my symptoms (minus the breasts, which I attributed to the fact that me and my boyfriend have a lot of rough sex and our cat, Pookie, bites my nipples in the middle of the night for some reason) Anyhoo, one of the first things that came up was pregnancy…which made me poo poo in my pants.
Also I am SOOOOO gassy. I'm not normally gassy at all, apart from the usual! (I can do a little trick by making myself fart anytime I want. That’s how me and my boyfriend met…it still makes him laugh. His dad used to like it also, but he's dead now...looong story about that).
Sorry for the length. I wanted to be thorough. Any suggestions?
Forum Moderator Christine: I strongly suggest that you move along to another forum site.
User Felicia: Okay. Thanks for getting back with me. Do you know a good site that might be able to answer my question?
OPEN DIARY.COM (General Discussion)
Moderator: Which jokes do you prefer? Blonde, female, Yo Mama, religion, Rude
User Jim Replies: I like jokes about all of the above on the list.
Specifically, the one about the blonde who ran into the room...she literally ran into the room, crashing her car thru the wall due to the fact that she was performing oral sex, WHILE DRIVING- thus, knocking her unconscious (which greatly improved her IQ by 140%)
She didn't reach the 150% IQ mark because she is quite religious and used 10% as a tithe to the church.
She showcases her strict religious dedication by invoking God's name regularly in the back seat of a worn out, non humorous blonde woman joke and can often be heard screaming...
"Oh God, OH GOD, OOOOOH GOD!!!!"
A lesson she learned from her fat mother. Her mama was so fat that there's not enough room in this joke to finish so I shall pause here to kill a small kitten while I sing a tune from My Fair Lady.
Now that I think about it, I suppose the only type of humor I dislike is rude humor. Oh, and jokes about people who were born without elbows. The elbow thing hits a little too close to home for my comfort level.
Also I don't like cucumbers. I'm actually terrified of them...but that story is probably best suited for the vegetable message board and, sadly, the "Why I hated my creepy uncle Leonard" message board.
OVER EATERS HELP FORUM
I made a nice friend in my encounter with the forum moderator. I like her a lot and may go visit her sometime for coffee
Tons of Fun asks: I’m absolutely terrified right now, I am on one long non stop binge. (On day 2,472 of it now) Every day I wake up and try not to eat an extra large Price Destroyer triple meat combo pizza from Domino’s but I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF!!!!
I try to do something a bit differently to break the cycle, so this morning I spread a container of cream cheese on my loaf of toasted bread instead of butter and a extra thick cut fried pork chop.**
**I just realized that I should have typed “AN extra thick” rather than “A extra thick.” I was sooooo hungry that I ate the letter “N.”
I’ve stopped going to the all you can eat buffets and just order three entrees from the menu. This seems to be working. And I’m TOTALLY skipping dessert…today.
My roommates really made me angry recently because the cat seems to have gone missing and they’re asking me insinuating questions about where it might be.
I asked “Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of?????” They think that I ATE little Tinkerbell!! I’m moving out soon because I feel that this was unacceptable behavior from my roommates.
By the way, it’s been 5-weeks since we’ve seen Tinkerbell so I figured it would be terrible to let the cat food go to waste.
Tomorrow I am going to start trying to eat sensible and have a balanced breakfast…do you think this will help?
The thing is it's not really about physical hunger for me, it just dominates my thoughts. Sometimes when I’m talking to a co-worker or a friend, I visualize them as a gigantic side of beef tenderloin which keeps taunting me by saying “Eat me…EAT ME!!!!” And then I end up hating myself and eat an entire box of Count Chocula cereal with chocolate milk. HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP.
System Moderator: You obviously have problems. I think that you should use your time reading about the problems (physical and mental) which plague overeaters rather than get online and say mean things.
You really sicken me with your post and I’m only going to give you one warning and then I’m tossing you off the board.
Tons of Fun: You seem irritable. Are you hungry?
System Moderator: Congrats! You just got banned jerk!
DYSLEXIA SELF HELP CHAT
I met Michael on this board...he was a really cool guy
User Partick: My name is Patrick. I just realized that my name is misspelled on my profile, but I can't figure out HOW to fix it!!!
Anyway, I’ve been coping for a long time with my eyesight. I invert letters all the time and sometimes objects. It comes and goes but it’s reaylly been hurting my grades in scoohl. What can I do about ti????
User Michael: Guess what? Youre a fucking asshole.
User Partick: Michael, I’m distraught that you think so poorly of me as we haven’t even met. I’m tryign to find help here and don’t know where to turn as I want my grades to improve so I won’t have to work forever at the grease trap cleaning company.
BWT, I mean, BTW, I’ll bet, with dyslexia, you have a real hard time spelling your name with “Michael” having the weird inverted spelling and all.
I always thought that the A before E thing was just weird. I mean, you can spell it by leaving one of the letters off, even though it would look a little funny.
Maybe you could spell it Mikhull or maybe Meykull. If it were me, I'd just spell it “Mike”...either way, people would still get the gist of your name. I bet your parents were mean, which really makes me feel sad.
User Michael: I feel sad for you. You definitley have problems.
User Partick: Mike, Mike Mike. We both may have dyslexia, but that's why we have to work harder than other people in the spelling department so as not ot draw extra attention. You misspelled "definitely."
I learned how to spell phonetically in first grade as part of a test class. My school building was real old and full of asbestos. We might all die from cancer now but we are above average spellers.
I always enjoyed going to skool as a kid. How bout you Mike??
User Michael: Again……. YOU are a fucking asshole!!!
User Partick: Are you mad at me Michael?
User Michael: I wouldn't waste MY time being mad at YOU.
User Partick: Thank you fro using capital letters so that I could better understand that MY refers to YOUR time and YOU actually indicates the source of YOUR frustration...in this case...ME.
User Michael: Your stupid
User Partick: You just confused your with you're...but lots of pepole do that. BTW again, when I wrote “What can I do about TI, it wasn’t a typing error…My brother LOVES TI and plays the CD over and over and over again.
I wish TI would go back to the pureness of his roots from the album "I'm Serious" which made him famous . He sounds over-produced now. How do you feel about this?
User Michael: Go to hell
User Partick: I really wish that we could just make up and be friends again Michael. : ( now I'm really sad
User Michael: Whatever
User Partick: I just thought of something else…technically I AM a f-ing A-hole as you pointed out. As I mentioned earlier, I sometmies invert objects which really upset my ex girlfriend.
I would accidentally stick it in the wrong place because of my eyesight and she screamed because I have a reeeeally big pensi.
User Michael: I’m reporting you to the moderator asshole.
User Partick: Oyka Mike. Have a blessed dya!
SEXUAL ADDICTION SUPPORT FORUMS
I don't really understand the possibility of sex addiction, but I suppose it's real. I was kind of bummed that there weren't more pictures
User Jim: Damn! I’m HORNEY!!!!!
User Lil Cyndee Kims: Very funny. Don’t be a dick dude.
User Jim: Okay. Hey, did you realize that your name is sort of an anagram?? You can spell “Lick Me” with it…and even have superfluous letters remaining.
With extra letters hanging around like that, it technically means that we have enough for a "letter orgy." That makes me incredibly horney.
Btw, I LOVE your profile pic…I’m looking at it right now. Actually, I made it my new wall paper but I cropped it to where it only shows your breasts in the low cut top you're wearing in the pic. You wanna trade pics sometime??
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FACEBOOK (Drive-by)
I decided to end my day safely by catching up with a good friend. What better place than a social ring where you can "Chat" "Like" "Poke" and then de-friend. Sounds like a one-night stand if you ask me.
Rikki: quotes Austin O'Malley:
“Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.”
Jim: Austin O'Malley and I used to write together. I was always led to believe that we were just friends, even though my other friends warned me. I finally realized that he had a secret agenda.
We wrote late into the night and we'd get hungry... so I'd do "friend" things like cook a BLT sandwich with Ore'Ida french fries and Suddenly Salad Tomato & Herb and after we finished eating he would look at me and say "you're a really good platonic friend.”
And then he shoved his hands down the front of my pants and said "A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it." Which really creeped me out so I called my friend, Allison, to come get me and then she held me while I cried all night...She is a really nice, platonic, friend of mine.
After a full day online it finally occurs to me that I never got to see any dirty pictures. Believe it or not Lil Cyndee Kims sent me an email though!!! Hehehe.
If she’s about to fall off the wagon, I feel that someone needs to be there to catch her- No moderator needed...unless she's into that sort of thing.
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