I don’t know why, but I’ve always taken time to read the advice columns in the paper. Dear Abby, Ask Amy, et al.
A friend of mine offers, what seems to be, a logical take as to why advice columns and programs are popular…Misery loves company.
Hearing of others’ trials and tribulations makes us feel better about our own situation.
Speaking of miserable company, my editor recently recommended that I install an “Ask Jim” button on the forthcoming website. I informed him that I was going to seek answers from an advice columnist as to how many years it takes a web designer to finish my website.
Taking his suggestion under consideration, I decided to scan the web for advice columns, so that I might practice. I came across a nice little site named Dear Mrs. Web…clever.
While she exhibits a smashing ability and unswerving compassion in her answers, I found myself with a different take on certain scenarios and situations with which they were tasked in solving...
And now, I shall dip my feet into the advice dispensing pool:
I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams this August. Although his parents are wonderful, I'm a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life...particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé's laundry, cooks his lunches daily, and cleans his house. What do you think?
I think that you should stop using the stupidest word in the world... fiancé. It’s your boyfriend…we’re all well aware that two people are to be wed by simply announcing:
"Hey, me and Brad, my boyfriend, are getting married.”
We also understand that this translates into us dragging our ass down to Bed Bath and Beyond or Target to pick up some stupid frappuccino machine that you’ve placed on the registry. There’s no need for a title change as though someone just got a promotion to the second floor accounting department.
As far as your impending life of doom is concerned, your BOYFRIEND has Norman Bates written all over him. He, most likely, has the Oedipus Complex…which will not work out too well for your future father-in-law and he will probably stab you to death in the shower one day while wearing mother's dress.
I strongly advise you to break it off with him…right after he finishes his PBJ sandwich with the crust trimmed off. Try to touch base with him before mom puts him down for his nap.
There’s a girl I like who has a boyfriend. He plays on a team with me. He and I get along real well. She asked me if would I go out with her and I said that I would. I asked her about her relationship with her boyfriend. She said it was on again off again and she didn't know where it was going. I don’t really know what she wants from me. She is of a different race but it doesn’t seem to matter to her. I don’t know whether she is serious. What should I do?
On again, off again? Translation: “Off” again is the time that she spends casually having sex with someone other than her boyfriend (a sad truth about which he is either in denial or utterly in the dark...until she gives him crabs one day and blames it on the public toilet seat.)
Judging by your indecisiveness, sex will take about 3-minutes with you.
By the way, are you a member of the KKK? I noticed that you seem to have a problem with the race issue.
Look, she’s obviously looking to get some “strange” (“off again“) and you seem to be good friends with her man, since you play together on this mysterious “team” that you’ve cryptically alluded to in your email.
My advice is that as soon as you return from burning crosses at your clan rally you should initiate a 3-way with these two and everyone lives happily ever after. If you film it, I’d love to have a copy.
I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want. What should I do?
I’ll bet you were a joy at Christmas as a kid. Why doesn’t anyone like me???? Baaaahhhhhhhh!!! Shut up. NO ONE ever gets what they want all the time. I held the door open for everyone I encountered today, much like any other day. Not one of them said thank you but you don’t see me whining about it to an advice column. Instead, I smile, knowing that I did the right thing and then I say a silent prayer that they will all be smashed to death by an errant tree falling on their car.
I think you should move to the forest because if someone bitches in the forest and no one is there to hear it...there's no noise. By the way, watch out for falling trees.
What makes some people choke under stress?
Great question. I, uh…er, it’s really like this…um, well the thing is that…I mean what I’m trying to say is….Shit!
My sisters and I have settled the estate of my mother except for one item. Mom’s cookbooks. In particular one cookbook that Mom used and in which she modified recipes. My Mother was a phenomenal cook and this book is a real bone contention for us all. What should we do?
What???? Did your mother invent Kentucky Fried Chicken? Her last name wasn't Crocker, by chance?
It’s important to note that by tampering with copyrighted material (I.e. the cookbook) not only was your mom a culinary master, she’s also a Federal criminal. That being said, I have no doubt that she was a good cook, but treating a cookbook as though it were the Ark of the Covenant is a bit extreme.
Since your mom was, obviously, not the matriarch of a sibling brain trust, allow me to step in…Kinko’s has these real cool contraptions, they’re called copy machines. By the way, can you send me her recipe for Baked Alaska?
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job. Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
I’ll bet everything I own that you were the hall monitor in school. By the way, your co-worker is my new hero. Mind your own business...I’m going to lunch.
I am a 27-year-old man interested in a woman at work. We are almost the same age and have an excellent work relationship. Due to sexual harassment laws and other workplace laws, it is difficult to ask someone out at work. How can I do this without risking my job?
Aaaaah…a tricky situation indeed. I’ve been there before.
Set up a meeting with your boss and tell him/her that your co-worker has been making you a bit uncomfortable lately. When going into detail, keep it simple, no need for an elaborate story.
Tell the boss that your co-worker regularly begs you to come over and participate in homemade “Skat” films and that you didn't see any harm in her invitation until you Googled "Skat." Explain that this caused additional stress since it now makes sense as to why she continually leaves love notes on your car…written on soiled toilet paper.
It is imperative for you to insist that your boss honor your anonymity.
Once your co-worker is fired, problem solved. Offer to console her and then ask her out on a date.
I work with a man who is self centered and conceited. He is also the department supervisor. He only talks about himself and never listens to anyone else. Since he is such a witty speaker, at first people are spellbound by his conversations. It begins to wear thin. He corners anyone and drones on for hours if allowed. How can we stop him?
Lydia
Enough about you…let’s talk about me for a second.
I work with this woman, we’ll call her Lydia, who is constantly beating herself up about numerous personal and professional failures in her sad little life. No matter where fate finds her, she lands squarely amidst the stellar company of people who are abundantly successful and much more interesting than she.
Even though Lydia butts-in a lot while I’m trying to share some of MY past successes, hoping that it might extinguish the halo of inadequacy that hangs over her head, she simply doesn’t get it. I've spent hours at a time outlining my case to her.
Making matters worse, she’s not very witty. Anyway…what was your question again sweetie?
I run a child care business from my home and am most disturbed by my next door neighbor who sunbathes in her back yard with nothing on but a skimpy bikini. There is really not much room in between our houses and mothers of children have even mentioned it. I am embarrassed to say anything because it is her property.
Disturbing indeed!!! Especially if your neighbor is 80-years old. If she's young and hot, start selling Buffalo wings and pizza and watch how quickly the daddy’s volunteer to come pick up the kids. By the way, where do you live?
My neighbor next door has an uncovered well. It looks like a danger to the neighborhood children. I have asked him to cover it twice. Nothing has happened. What should I do?
What?? Is your next door neighbor’s house located within an episode of Lassie? Is little Timmy in the well? Honestly, WHO has a well in their yard?
I dread my father-in-law coming to visit us and I have to put up with it 4 or 5 times a year for 1 or 2 weeks at a time. I try to get along with him, but he is such a negative human being. He compares me to my husband's ex-wife. He likes her better and nothing I do seems to change his mind. He just doesn't like me and his mean comparisons hurt me.
I’ll bet your husband’s ex wife doesn’t complain as much as you do.
My sister-in-law is from a different country. When she breastfeeds my nephew she just opens up and pulls her breast out and feeds the baby. My family and friends aren't really used to that method. Whether we are visiting her at home or out and about, she will just pop them out. I have not quite been able to come up with a way to talk to her about this.
Funny...I never knew "breastfeeds" was one word until seeing your question. I like a little space between the breasts.
Breast OO Feeds
Anyway, I’ll speak with them…I mean, her…could you send a picture of them, I mean, her?
My name is Steve and I have a question regarding men's hairstyles. I am balding and decided four years ago to shave my head completely bald for a cleaner look. I received a lot of positive attention from women at the time, however, over the last year or so I have noticed more men with longer hair and women paying less attention to bald-headed men. Are bald-headed men out and longhaired guys in?
Yes, unfortunately you will probably never have sex again in your life because you’re bald Steve. You should probably turn gay since the gay community is much more accepting of balding men. Sorry Steve…ask a stupid question and…
I have been invited to my friend’s family for Easter. Should I bring a gift when I go? Any ideas of what would be appreciated?
Bring a life size statue of Pontius Pilate with a sign around his neck exclaiming “The reason for the season.” I shall pause here for the bible scholars to gasp and sentence me to hell…the rest of you can look it up in a book.
Which are better, cats or dogs
Chinchillas
I want to send flowers to a woman that I have recently met. What special day should I choose to do so, Easter or Mother’s Day? I am not sending for each occasion
My, you are quite the thrifty gent aren't you? While I could ponder your logic for not sending flowers for both dates, or WHY you picked either of these dates, quite honestly I find you to be boring. You should probably kill yourself...that way, perhaps, she'll send YOU flowers.
I came home today to discover that my son’s goldfish, Nemo, was floating upside down at the top of the aquarium….he was dead. How should I go about explaining this to him?
Allow me to commend you on a unique name for the goldfish. I’m also pleased that you clarified that Nemo was, in fact, dead. Now I will be better prepared in understanding what an upside down floating goldfish indicates should I ever find myself in this dire situation.
Honesty is the best policy, but, in a delicate fashion for this particular dilemma. Explain to your son that this is simply the way of the world, the natural succession of life. I will provide a sample script for you as a helpful template in getting the ball rolling:
“Son, Nemo had a great life, but this is the way life goes. Our loved ones aren’t going to be with us forever…as a matter of fact your grandpa is probably going to leave us next, as he’s not doing too well right now. That’s not your fault. Even though you overfed Nemo, after your mother and I repeatedly told you not to overfeed him, his death is not your fault either…you didn’t hold a gun to his head and make him gorge himself to death.” You live and you learn...unless you're little Nemo.
I suggest that you share some quality family time at the dinner table after your discussion to sooth your son’s mind. I recommend the pepper encrusted salmon with a bottle of Rodney Strong.
And with that, the story of little Nemo reminds me that it's time to eat, drink a few shots and cry uncontrollably in the corner of my living room until I pass out.
I'm not sure that "Dear Abby" can unravel my issues but, according to my horoscope, tomorrow is supposed to be a grand day :)
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
