Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
I count myself among one of the luckiest people on earth and I’ll tell you why.
For quite some time a friend nagged me to write a short piece that I wanted no part of. She enjoys reading my stuff and understands that, when I’m not writing books or reporting news that I abhor, I like to waste time watching baseball. I equally enjoy taking everyday absurdities and spinning them for anyone who might be interested to consume. I don’t want to write a serious story, I want to goof off- as evidenced by my first year college transcripts.
We didn’t agree to disagree. This is pretty much how it went- She agreed that she was correct and I agreed that I was too tired to argue. Why is she ALWAYS right?? That HAS to be a character flaw but I’ve yet to find anything in the New England Journal of Medicine or any health magazine to substantiate a viable counter-argument. I‘m still researching.
I knew what she was suggesting and why she was doing so. Being stubborn when it comes to spewing much about my personal life, I found myself running in the opposite direction whenever the topic arose.
Finally giving in, I wrote and wrote and wrote- only to strike the delete key the following day. It was like Groundhog Day. Using a clever procrastination tactic, I decided that a gloomy, rainy day was needed. And so, I waited. And waited…
For me, writing about silly things or important issues with a silly slant is a means of putting life into healthy perspective. I hold serious and deep conversations, just like everyone else, but I also engage in insanely juvenile chit chat. Ultimately, I firmly subscribe to the adage:
“If you can’t laugh at yourself… ”
Like all of us at some point, I’ve been in a serious relationship. The experience was spectacular in depth and remarkable in its simplicity. It was reciprocal in most ways. A chance meeting with an old acquaintance, as though it were straight out of a Hollywood movie, evolved into a genuinely happy and memorable chapter in my life. And, perhaps hers as well. That’s not for me to say.
I often wonder how couples who have been married for 40-years or those who have lived together for several years simply drift apart. What happened?? I suppose that’s an answer only fully known to them. While a well intentioned friend in either camp speculates, doing so with incomplete or speculative info. The bottom line is that a relationship has ended- as some do. I suspect it’s an even sadder situation when one, or both parties, find themselves contemplating the following…
1. Why?
2. If Only.
While I hate to hear about relationship misfortunes, I’m amused at some breakup stories. Well, not so much amused as dumbfounded. The 21st century has taken relationships to a level which most likely finds psychologists in need of therapy (and a shot of Tequila) just to fully grasp it.
I know a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend via text message. After assuring him that he was going straight to hell we went out for a burger and a couple of beers. He “hooked up” with someone while I passed out at home- alone and fully clothed. The burger ROCKED though.
My favorite observational study is associated with breakups and the “Facebook factor". I’m particularly fascinated by those spurned lovers who try to “Out-Facebook” one another. It seems to me an exercise in absurdity. But it makes for good reading.
I shall provide an illustrative scenario. We’ll call the recently detached couple Tony and Danielle. Now, let’s take a look at their post-breakup Facebook wall:
Tony: Kicked it with my BOYZ last nite!
Danielle: I’m sooo lucky to have great friends…one in particular : )
Tony: Home at 5 this morning! Damn! I need some sleep!
Danielle: OMG, the moon was soooo beautiful last night along the riverfront. Dinner was great too…so was the company : )
Danielle and Fernando are now friends comment . like
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Tony: Sooooo much to do before I take off for the Bahamas next week! Oh, I got a promotion at work. F*** yeah! Life is GREAT!
Danielle: After a busy week at work and being dowtown all week it’s gonna be a lazy Saturday by the pool…with great company. No tan lines this summer LOL ;)
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Danielle: Just started Spanish lessons this week. It’s such a romantic language : )
Matt: Hey Tony, what the hell happened to you last night??? One minute you’re on your I-phone and then you dropped out?? WTF dude? Where Y’at?
Danielle: GOD! Why don't SOME ppl take a hint????
Tony poked Danielle
Heather: Hangin' for girls nite 2nt. I need a f'ing break
Tony poked Heather
Heather: OMG! Just had the landlord change the locks to my house!!
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I’m convinced that a century from now anthropologists are going to study social networking dialogue and wonder how the world didn’t come to an end in the early 21st century.
I have another friend of mine who we will call Trent. Trent is NOT his real name, primarily because “Trent” could literally kill me with his index finger if he wanted to do so- especially if he caught me writing about him.
Trent maintains a small apartment in the city for those not so blissful moments between he and his, as he calls her, “Old Lady”. I can attest to the fact that he does NOT keep this room to mess around with other women. When I see his car in front of the house I’m always certain of two things: He and his lady are fighting and he is so drunk that, if he were to be pulled over, the breathalyzer machine would need a sober ride home.
I hate when they argue because I know that she’s going to worry about him (translation: Blow up my cell phone). I also expect that he’s going to communicate explicit instructions as follows: “You haven’t seen me tonight.” Seeing how I’m frightened by both of them, I find myself in an unenviable situation until these two romantics kiss and make up.
You know what? For their occasional bickering, they seem to be madly in love. The means by which their love thrives is not for any of us to understand- I‘m not sure that THEY understand it. Perhaps walking away for a while might seem evasive to some, but it works for them and, at the end of the day, that’s all that counts. Love is a funny thing.
In the aftermath of my breakup I, as most of us, found my mind searching and I shed a tear or two…as did she. It's heartbreaking and it's SUPPOSED to be. It's a classroom lesson for all parties involved. Just remember that, as in school, class is dismissed at some point, until the next time.
Is it timing? Timing, as they say, is everything…right? I mean, you have to be in the right place at the right time to meet. Perhaps you also have to be in the right place personally. Maybe distant thoughts linger in one or both minds. The heavy burden of unresolved conflicts from a previous breakup, without enough time and space taken to understand and heal. Some couples come to realize that they want different things in life.
Or…maybe people simply think too much. I vote for the latter.
I’ve seen breakup situations where some build impenetrable walls around themselves. I’ve also known many who build healthy walls, for the short term, fully aware that the walls will soon need to be demolished. Sounds eerily like the modus operandi of the New Orleans Department of Public Works now that I think about it.
One thing that I’ve found is that I don’t have the first clue, but I move forward with happiness, well wishes and a little foolishness in my heart. I firmly believe that “If Only“ are two words that don‘t belong together and that some of the greatest experiences we can ever have are usually not welcomed…at that time.
Realization and understanding of one’s self, and others, is a key that unlocks more doors than one might think. My friend was correct afterall.
And so, here I am- no rainy day necessary. I‘m writing on a beautiful sunny afternoon counting myself as one of the luckiest people on earth.
And now, you know why.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
