The other day a friend of mine from Finn’s in Mid City handed me a piece of paper that had been placed under the wiper blade of her car. After reading it, and after lifting my jaw from the table, my immediate thoughts were those of utter disgust and indescribable disappointment.
Apparently my friend parked in front of a neighbor’s house- legally mind you- and didn’t see a small 2x4 piece of lumber from some home improvement project underway across the street. The incident prompted her friendly neighbor to leave the following note under the cowardly blanket of the nighttime darkness:
Look, Fat Pig-
If you want this parking place, you’ll have to work for it, in removing the obstacles- You just might lose some weight doing it. I’m not going to tolerate you parking in front of my house every night; you fat cow. If you roll over or break anything I put out, you’re repaying for it, or you’ll find your behind in court or jail, or both! I’m not putting up with your inconsiderate & discourteous behavior, you clown!
I'll give this idiotic excuse for a neighbor credit for fairly good punctuation and grammatical usage- especially when hastily scribbling such hostility. Rather anticlimactic at the end though. I give it about a 6.5 on the rating scale.
I was a bit disappointed in the closing. The neighbor set the tone at the top with “Fat Pig”, she moved on to graze (so to speak) the bovine world and then closed with “Clown”. Talk about dichotomy in slander.
Which is she? A fat pig, cow or a clown. All three have funny characteristics and two of the three make for tasty entrees. (I've never eaten a clown, however, they make me laugh.)
People seem to be terribly unfocused in today’s busy world. If you’re going to distribute hate mail, stay on point and exercise consistency in doing so.
In order to keep proper message flow, from salutation to closing, I feel that the author could have peppered in more small minded labels, thus leaving the reader with a palatable aftertaste rather than a sense of disappointment. Example:
Lardo
Fat-A**
Large Marge
Bertha (no offense to those named Bertha)
Incredible bulk
Now that I think about it, "Clown" is completely out of place. I associate “Clown” with something happy, funny or amusing. My teachers often called me a clown- an adjective which was largely under appreciated by my parents when they read the comment section of my report card. This is another reason I graduated early. I’m convinced that my teachers had their fill of me.
Back to my friend. She's not easily offended, but that stems from her goodness of heart. I find it almost impossible to fathom that the note didn’t strike some sort of nerve. It was hurtful and, in addition to being an utter waste of energy and paper, it was demonstrative of a misguided mindset. I was angry FOR my friend.
I am in complete agreement that there are certain situations which warrant a note. Perhaps, should this broad decide to take some counseling sessions, a more fitting message to my friend would have looked like this:
Dear neighbor,
Even though you were parked in a perfectly legal parking spot, it seems that you accidentally ran over a two-dollar and fifty-cent piece of lumber.
Since I have recently begun classes at finishing school $2.50 might break the bank right now. Who knew that it was so expensive to learn how to behave in a cordial manner and thoughtfully interact with others? In the past, I would have probably flown off the handle and left a nasty note, but finishing school seems to be working.
With that duly noted, in the future, please exercise caution when pulling to the street and I will make every effort to keep my debris at a safe distance.
Best regards
I, on the other hand, believe that proportionate responses hold great virtue. I even volunteered to write it:
Dear Bitch,
I am in receipt of your Pulitzer winning note and, quite frankly, am honored that you took time from your busy schedule and dedicated it to little ol’ me. I stand corrected, according to your note, I’m not little.
Most likely at the end of the day I will still be larger than you but you’ll still be a jackass. I think that’s a fair trade-off since I love being able to sleep at night knowing that I treat others in a manner in which they wish to be treated- This is precisely what I’m doing right now in these short passages.
Since I pay taxes, as do you, I have the right to park in any spot that the city designates as legal. You, on the other hand, flagrantly stroll through life with utter contempt for the law by leaving debris on the street. I won’t report you this time, but please know that I’ve got my eye on you.
I wish you luck, mainly because I suspect that you will definitely need it should you leave a note, such as the one you left for me, on a less tolerant individual’s vehicle. Have a blessed day.
P.S. Don’t EVER call me a clown again.
If I lived on my friend’s block I feel reasonably certain that I would be the catalyst for an all out neighborhood war.
I don’t have an answer as to why this lady felt it appropriate to communicate in such a juvenile, hateful manner. Perhaps she’s having a bad day, maybe the stress of tending to a severely ill relative has taken its toll. Maybe even a death has triggered some sort of temporary mental condition which has severed nerve endings to the rational and compassionate side of her brain.
They say (“they” being mental health professionals) that one’s self esteem reduces seemingly normal individuals to name callers…schoolyard bullies if you will. I’m no expert and I get irritated with people also but I believe that each of us are a work in progress. This sad woman has obviously taken a break from work. I’d say that, for her, lunchtime is over.
Which gives me an idea- I think I’ll go buy a bunch of pizza and me and my friend can stuff our faces in the LEGAL parking spot in front of the Incredible Grump’s house.
Hah!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
