I’ve found humor, sound advice and downright disturbingly bizarre subject matter dispensed from a variety of people in some of the most common locales . Often times it’s blatantly in front of me, sometimes it’s hidden in plain sight.
Whether it be a stroll down the sidewalk on a pretty afternoon, sitting in the park, walking through the grocery store, hanging at the coffee shop or chillin’ at a pub, there’s a wealth of knowledge, advice, lessons and amusement always within earshot.
During the recuperation period following a long weekend of entertaining a visiting friend, it felt most appealing to listen and observe than to write. Okay, I was too tired and lazy to be productive. With notepad and pen in hand, I figured that there would be no harm in letting the environment around me write the following piece thus allowing extra time to live, relax, eat comfort food and learn.
Here’s what I found:
Woman: What’s that?
Man: Hot dogs and chili…I’m makin’ chili dogs tonight.
Woman: That’s crap…it’s not good for the kids.
Man: What do you want to do for dinner?
Woman: Let’s just pick up a pizza.
I suppose pizza was the lesser of two evils, since we don’t know exactly what’s truly in a hot dog.
Woman: My A/C is broken at the house
Man: Just hang out in the bar and you won’t have to worry about it.
Is it any wonder that man discovered 1,001 uses for duct tape? Problem solved. This guy is a genius!
Woman: I can drive! (author note: read the previous aloud at a deafening level as though you’ve just polished off 8-thousand beers)
Man: I can’t get it up.
This misunderstood line was uttered by a gentleman using the Internet on his I-Phone, just to clarify.
Man: How did I propose to you?
Woman: (unfortunately, inaudible)
Man: No, no, no. Babe…that ain’t how it happened.
Man: (speaking to man #2) That ain’t how it happened…Dude, you’re gaining some secret insight here
Man 2: No, I’m in a front row seat for an imminent fight.
While my life would, most likely, chug along unencumbered having not picked up the pieces of general knowledge that follows, I somehow feel more complete having gained insight to them anyway:
Riding on the train from New Orleans to Memphis makes you want to shoot yourself in the face.
Some people apparently become enraged when a friend posts a picture of Moe Howard (Of Three Stooges fame) on their Facebook wall. Who knew that Moe was such a polarizing individual? I would think that Joe (the latently homosexual Stooge) would stir stronger emotions.
Speaking of the Stooges; a young woman’s ex boyfriend nick-named her Shemp. I don’t even know how to feel about that. She didn’t seem to possess Shemp-ish characteristics, she certainly didn’t LOOK like Shemp. Perhaps she leads a secret life only known to him. That would be one disturbing role-play
By the way, it’s difficult to people watch when your text goes off 250 times. Don’t these people know I’m pretending to WORK? Okay, back to eavesdropping…
No matter how great or awesome one’s profession seems to the rest of us, they bitch and moan about THEIR job also. I’ll be more mindful of that the next time I peek over the proverbial fence to inspect the green grass.
Openly to da’ boys, I aver that PDA exposes the rest of us to unnecessary sappiness. However, there’s something genuinely pleasant about seeing two people who clearly enjoy the other‘s company. If anyone tells my buddies I will vehemently deny that I wrote the previous passage.
Shift change, whether it be a restaurant, bar or grocery store generates a nervous energy among employees as that of the White House situation room on the eve of preemptive warfare.
There are actually straight men in this world who deposit money into a jukebox and proceed to proudly play “Wake me up before you go-go” by Wham! Even more telling, there are numerous straight men who keep beat to the song on the bar top. Amazing, and somewhat disturbing. I felt like I was in a Cohen brothers film.
It was pointed out to me by an extremely kind and well meaning young lady that I could save $1.50 if I purchased the grocery store brand of cheddar rather than Cabbot of Vermont. I politely thanked her and, when she moved on, held my civic loyalty to the citizens of Vermont.
Ronald Regan seems to be responsible for EVERYTHING bad that is happening in the world today. I suppose the subsequent 4 administrations had a perfect track record. I shall remain silent.
I gained an inordinate level of knowledge as to the vacation policies of the French national school system. Could come in handy should I move to France, or have children. Which one should I do first??
More people than you might suspect talk about their friends when they go to the restroom.
From the French Quarter carriage tour guides, I learned that a particular bar on St. Peter NEVER closed during Hurricane Katrina. (author’s note: Except for the 30 or so days that it was, in fact, closed before, during and after Hurricane Katrina.
It was pointed out that a laptop might cause one to be completely oblivious to the fact that a very nice stranger is actively trying to gain attention for friendly conversation…
The End.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
