OMG I Gotta Take This Call

I wonder how we ever survived without cell phones?? It’s such a convenience to have so much information in the palm of your hand AND to have the capability to hear every single detail from your nephew’s 3rd birthday party while standing in aisle 7 at the grocery store comparing the prices of stewed tomatoes.

A pet peeve of mine, that I usually allow to pass without mention, is when I’m in conversation with someone who constantly sends and receives texts. I know that I’m not the only person who feels a sense of dejection when holding conversation as the other person casually glances down at their cell as though they‘re listening to every word you‘re saying.

I work with a guy who will be sitting at the table over lunch and announce earth shattering facts that have exploded in his Twitter in-box. “Wow!” he’ll begin “You know that guy who played Rerun on What’s Happening? His brother in law’s best friend’s cousin just got in a car accident in Santa Monica!” Fascinating. I suppose I should go to the drug store and pick up a get well soon card.

I’m holding firm ground with regard to Twitter in that I never want to sign up for it and I’m deeply concerned for my friends who use it as an umbilical cord. Plus, I’ll never feel comfortable announcing that I just “tweeted”. It sounds like a feminine euphemism for passing gas.

I have a simple cell phone which exhibits cutting edge technology...It actually makes and receives…telephone calls!

I like the i Phone, I simply don’t need it. The blogs buzzed with raves when President Obama was spotted with his new i Phone. News quickly spread throughout the techie world. (Translation: A bunch of guys who authoritatively comment and publish helpful reviews as to the ever evolving world of computers and electronics…from their bedroom. Usually located in their parent’s basement).

I’m not sure if his is a special, Presidential, edition with the capability of managing a nuclear war but I’ve heard rumors that it might be replacing Vice President Biden should Obama run for a second term.

I deeply value the opinions of 38-year old tech-savvy guys. Anyone who has the ingenuity to build an operable spaceship from aerosol cans, a matchbook, kitchen utensils and the frame of a 1973 dodge commands my undivided attention. They selflessly sacrifice having sex, with an actual girl, so that you and I may hold our heads confidently as we stroll into Best Buy and smugly inform the store associate that we’ll be needing none of their condescending assistance today as we snatch a box from the shelf with the piercing stare of an armed robber.

I recently tested a friend’s i Phone. He’s so deeply in love with it to the point that I believe they will be getting married sometime next month. The specifications of this phone are nothing short of impressive- but, again, I don’t need it.

My friend’s phone holds upwards of 4,000 songs and an actual full symphony orchestra, complete with a music director. There’s video mail, video games, Internet and wifi access, texts, full phone capabilities, a stackable washer and dryer and it can even bring loved ones back from the dead.

Development of the i Phone began under Steve Jobs’ direction when he ordered Apple engineers to investigate the use of touch screens, and a strategy in which we could cure the common cold, win the war on terror and make Sean Hannity shut up for a second or two.

One item that is proudly touted in the i Phone promotional package is the fact that it attracts users of all ages. With the exception of my friend Ritchie, who still can’t figure out how to make the clock on his microwave stop blinking 12:00. He may be in luck because I’ve heard that Apple’s next i Phone will include a microwave oven and a complimentary frozen burrito.

I also understand that battery life is a moderate concern among i Phone users. I would think that the primary concern should be that they’ve spent a large portion of their paycheck on a phone that can’t be insured. Their battery fears must be relevant since the Apple site proudly touts that “If the battery malfunctions or dies prematurely, the phone can be returned to Apple and replaced for free while still under warranty”. Which will most likely expire a day and a half before the battery craps out.

While browsing the i Phone site I checked out the specs for the built-in camera. “The iPhone and iPhone 3G feature a built-in fixed-focus 2.0 mega pixel camera for still digital photos. It also includes an upgrade option to add a sketch artist who will pop out of the phone and draw a caricature of you and your friends”.

I’ve had to replace phones far too often due to water damage. Which is to say that, when in the restroom, I should probably focus more often on the task at hand…so to speak. My service provider insurance division and I have an intimate relationship. The conversation is always the same:

Me: I’m not sure what’s wrong with my phone but it’s just acting funny and it’s shutting off all the time.

Cell Provider: Has your phone been exposed to water?

Me: Oh, no. I’m very careful with the phone.

Cell Provider: My records indicate that you’ve had 8 replacements due to water damage.

Me: (trying not to cry)

Cell Provider: Can you take off the back cover and tell me if there’s a little red square behind the battery?

Me: Uh, it’s not red. It’s actually fuchsia. It must be a defective phone. (nervous laugh)

I hate the cell drop-out spots too! I was speaking with a friend this afternoon who sounded as though she were calling from the International Space Station. I simply wanted to see where she might want to meet up for a beer after work. According to her, we would be meeting downtown at “the ing on West ushto across fr the ld wa tion”. Dead silence.

Is it me, or when someone’s cell disconnects in mid-conversation do you find yourself thinking the worst? My mind races- wondering, oh my God! I wonder if the space shuttle plunged from the sky and crashed into her car! I’d better call all of the hospitals to make sure!

I am a fan of text messaging. Especially when driving at 137mph down a curvy mountain pass through a school zone. I’m kidding. I would never, of course, text in a school zone.

I will, however, text after 87 beers. Thus, waking up the next day wishing that one of my friends would have just put a gun to my head and killed me where I stood so as not to face the recipients of said text messages the following day.

Usually I just tell those who have received the “drunk text” that I allowed a homeless crack head to borrow my phone to call the local shelter and that he must have been having fun at my expense. Silly me!! (nervous laugh).

The iphone can predict what word the user is typing and complete it, and correct for the accidental pressing of keys near the presumed desired key. This grabbed my attention in that it might just be a precursor to save me from “drunk texting“.
Example, a drunk text that I send to Monica looks like this:

Me: Out w/ some friends 2nt. The moon is really nice…was thinking of u : )

Me: Ed is such an asshole. He thinks that I should 4get about u and hook up w/some girl 2nt. I wuldnt do that. Whatcha doin??

Me: R U getting my txts??????????????
Me: My fone has been acting funny…not sure if txt is wrkng. Gona reboot xoxoxo

Me: Even tho me and Ed r at a strip club, this girl bent over in front of me sooo reminds me of u. I miss u : (

Me: U there???

Free Service Provider Msg: The subscriber is unavailable at this time

If Steve Jobs wants to impress me, show me the innovative software that can turn the previous into something from Shakespeare and I’ll invest my life savings into Apple stocks.

Indeed, what did we EVER do without the good old cell phone?

Hang on…I gotta take this call.

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010