Sunday, September 19, 2010

Wanted: New Friends...ASAP!

Something absolutely horrible happened in my world this week. Aside from learning that Lindsey Lohan failed her latest drug test and now may have to serve 30-days in jail, I temporarily lost my cell phone for most of the day!  What if Lindsey tries to call??

Unfortunately, text messages continue to pile up…whether you hold possession of your phone or not.

Msg from Lisa: Hey…sorry I haven’t called in a while…hope ure doin well. Hey, can I borrow your car this afternoon??

Msg from Pete: We’re grilling tonight and watchin the game if u wanna come by dude

Msg from Haylee: Hey there. I had fun hangin out last nite : )

Msg from Pete: Oh, if u do come by, can you swing by and pick up some extra beer and a couple bags of ice? Thx!!

Msg from Bob: Hey I don‘t have my laptop. Can you check to see if Steve Guttenberg is on an infomercial with Chuck Norris about the Total Gym Fitness Center? Me and John are at the bar and I have a bet with him! He says I’m wrong

Msg from Lisa: Not sure if u got my last txt…can I borrow your car this afternoon?? My boyfriend Jonathan only has a seg-way. Plus, he’s working late at the beauty salon today. Hope ure doin okay. Ure not mad that I’m dating someone Ru???

Msg from John B: Bob is full of shit. I know everything there is to know about Steve Guttenberg. Cocoon is one of my favorite movies of all time. The only commercial he’s been in was a cola commercial. He was NEVER in an infomercial.

Msg from Haylee: So I’d like to hang out again…maybe later this weekend if ure free. Maybe go check out that sushi bar on Carrollton?? Lemme know

Msg from Pete: BTW…now Craig needs a ride home if you come over. He’s pretty drunk. He was off work today.

Msg from Bob: John is getting drunk and obnoxious about Guttenberg. Pretty funny…he just fell backwards into a giant flower planter at the bar…LMAO!!!

Msg from Bob: Hey did I ever tell you that I was an extra in Cocoon 2?

Msg from Lisa: Well…ure obviously ignoring my txts. Just 4get about it. I’ll find another car. I don’t know why u cant just 4get about the past. I wont txt again. Have a nice day

Msg from Pete: I'm gonna kill Craig!  He just fell into the pool and took the grill with him.  Guess we're ordering pizza now.  What a douche!

Msg from Bob: Which reminds me…did u ever see that creepy kid in the background of 3 Men and a Baby??? They say it was a ghost of some kid that died on the set.  U can Google it. Really eerie!!!

Msg from John B: Bob’s a dick. I think I broke my ass bone!!

Msg from Haylee: Not sure if my txts are going thru. Anyway, I just got back from the gym. Hey...
I didn’t do anything stupid the other nite did I??? LOL!!  Anyway, I really enjoyed being out w/ you

Msg from Lisa: So Bob is txtng me with some stupid question about Steve Guttenberg. Very funny!  Are u with him??  You two need to grow up. If you don’t want me to be in your life, much less borrow the car, or even answer a txt, just say so rather than play stupid jokes

Msg from Pete: Never mind about picking up Craig…We dumped his drunk ass back at home. You comin’ over or what??

Msg from Pete: BTW, your ex GF, Lisa, just texted me and asked to borrow my car. WTF??

Msg from Bob: Damn! I think John may need to go to the ER. We’re gonna do a shot of Tequila first and see if his ass feels better. BTW, why is your ex sending me nasty text msgs???

Msg from Haylee: That thing I told you about with my ex BF got settled out of court...he was a nut job. Just wanna make sure it didn’t make you nervous about me. LOL Hope to hear from ya soon

Msg from Craig: Hey buddy…I lockecked myse outttaa the u stil have an xtra keys%?

Msg from Pete: LOL! Dude, Craig is waaaasted. I think he locked himself out. I don’t have a spare key to his house.  U might wanna swing by there first

Msg from Craig: Hlep! I’m sitingg on the sidewalkk in fron of my house. Nxt 2yur car. Im only in my underwear….call mee!!!$“” Ur mean ass ex girl FRiend just walked by an yelled d at me. HeY…….and some other chik is hangng out on youur porch??>

Msg from Lisa: Well, ur drunk ass loser friend Craig is locked out and ur car is at ur house along with some girl knocking on ur front door. Oh, and I want my blender back!! I don’t know WTF I did that u cant just let me borrow the car??!! Plz call me back!

Msg from Haylee: Got kinda worried about you so I hope u don’t take it the wrong way since we only had dinner once but I stopped by to see if u were okay and make sure u didn’t get food poisoning…LOL.  I looked up ur adress on Google Earth...BTW, there’s a weird guy on the street in his boxer shorts throwing up. Yuk!!

Msg from Pete: Why is John texting me about some stupid movie question?? You thinking about coming over tonight???

Msg from Bob: Now John is saying that Leonard Nimoy directed 3 Men and a Baby. WHAT???

Msg from Lisa: You know what? I don’t need your f-ing car after all. I didn’t want it to be this way…but I met a reeeeally nice guy recently on e-Harmony. Unlike you, spending your time writing stupid books instead of a REAL job, he likes to go to the theatre all the time and he brings me flowers almost every DAY!!! I’m not txtng u again. Goodbye. BTW, good luck driving ur car NOW dick.

Msg from John B: Not only did Nimoy direct 3 Men and a Baby, Guttenberg starred alongside Ted Danson…who later invited Nimoy to be in an episode of Becker! Hah!! Bob is gonna owe me a bunch of money on this one!!

Msg from Haylee: I hope I didn’t come across TOO forward the other night…I really don’t want u to think I’m easy or anything, I‘m actually VERY shy…LOL. I KNEW those guys that asked me 2 dance…they’re just friends from work. Hope u r okay...I'm worried now  : {

Msg from Pete: Hey…Craig got into his house BTW. Someone helped him climb up the back porch overhang and he went thru a window. I wish I could have seen THAT!!!! Call me…we’re gonna go ahead and order pizza soon dude.

Msg from Bob: We’re home now…John got us thrown out of the sports bar running around the room doing the Vulcan mind meld on the other customers. He’s such a dumb ass when he gets drunk. Guttenberg WAS in an infomercial for the Total Fitness Gym! With Chuck Norris AND Christie Brinkley…Hah!

Msg from Craig: Holyy shit!!! Somee HOT chik named Hailey just helped me break in my hoouse. Shes an ex stripper. Scoooore! Haheaha!!*#  She's stayin 4 a feww drinkss.  U still got thhat blender?? i may need 2 borrw it

Msg from Todd: Whassup?  I’m gonna stay at home for the game…u wanna come over? Me and Melissa ordered pizza...just gonna keep it low key chillll 2nite

Msg from Craig: BTW...looks like someboDy sliced yoour back tire 2dayy?%

Msg from Haylee: Maybe will talk tomorrow. Gonna stay with a friend 2nite.

Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: Just found my cell phone and got your txt. YES…I’d love to come over…more than you can possibly imagine. See ya’ soon! Thx.

Msg from Lisa: I'm sorry...and I miss you : (

Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: BTW, can you come get me? I have a flat tire.

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Details Coming Up Tonight At 10:00pm

I’ve been watching far too much news lately. There’s no particular reason-- I usually tune it out as background noise while I’m doing more important things such as holding a strong and hopeful vigil that Miley Cyrus and her dad, Billy Ray, will mend their differences.

Such a tragedy.

We live in an era like no other-- where amazing technological advances provide instant information about important stories and events which affect our daily lives and our personal well being…such as this earth shattering news scad:

“Where’s Obama’s Wedding Ring???”

(Insert gasp and ominous music here)

From Sunlen Miller of ABC News: For at least two days President Obama’s left hand has been unadorned by his wedding band. The White House said that beyond the typical cleaning that most rings get, Mr. Obama’s intricate gold ring needed a little repairing. White House aides declined to elaborate on what specifically was wrong with the ring.

I watched two talking heads speculate for about 4-minutes as to the whereabouts and significance of the missing ring; which I think provides a fairly clear perspective as to my having nothing particularly important to do with my time.

The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?

I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.

Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!

My point being, these people don’t even look real!! I’m convinced that they unplug the anchors after the cameras stop rolling.

As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for the poor set maintenance guy who’s in charge of unplugging the news anchors at the end of the day.

News Director: Dammit Frank…you left Allison plugged in again all night!

Frank: Sorry sir, I got distracted when Jon, the mid-day anchor, began to loosen up and his posture became somewhat slumped.  He was able to actually move his head like a normal human so we used the Peaucellier linkage rhombus method and fixed him…now he’s as straight as Anderson Cooper.

News Director: Anderson Cooper is straight???

Everything revolves around sensationalism in today’s electronic media:

Anchor: We go now to Susan Wolffe for a breaking story…Susan, we’ve noticed that President Obama has been without his wedding band for a couple of days.

Susan: That’s right Bill. The White House is saying that the president is simply having his ring cleaned and repaired.

Anchor: Hmmm.  Susan, did you get the feeling that the White House’s response indicates that the president is, in fact, hosting gay orgies in a secret subterranean room within the White House, because, I must say, their statement to the media sounds rather fishy to me.

Susan: Absolutely Bill and that’s very observant of you. We tracked down the press secretary and asked him why the president is wearing more pastel ties and using the word “fabulous” a lot lately.

Anchor: I see…and did they give you any indication that the president is indeed sleeping with British Prime Minister David Cameron??

Susan: We showed him a tape of the recent meeting between the President and Prime Minister Cameron and pointed out that they shared an uncomfortably lengthy hug in the East Room at their press conference.

Anchor: I saw that video too!  Coupled with the OBVIOUS signal that the president is sending out to the gay community by not wearing his ring, I'd say the White House is CLEARLY hiding something.  What was his response?

Susan: He asked us to leave.  And then he skipped away.

Anchor: Great reporting on our top story and an obviously developing sex scandal; thanks Susan. In other news, three soldiers were injured today in Iraq…

Election coverage is always entertaining…the Olympics of absurdity and over-analyzed information if you will.

Speaking of politics, did you know that Speaker of The House, John Boehner (somehow pronounced Bainer) has become a topic of conversation amongst politicos due to his unnatural tan? WHO CARES?

If someone prefers to glow with a rich and deep hue of Kool-Aid orange-flavored juice who am I to stop him or her?

They actually send out a public policy poll which asks important questions such as:

“Do you believe that the growing nuclear weapon threat and escalating social and political unrest in Iran is directly related to gay sex orgies being conducted in the White House basement? And is John Boehner's tan hindering border control efforts in the U.S.???"

Election Central: Results are pouring in as the polls close and we're keeping a particularly close eye on a heated battle going on in the Wyoming Senate race. We’re also watching my co-host, Consuela Saalevraduena-Smith's, face melt under the hot stage lights here on the set.

For more insight we’re happy to be joined by political genius and space alien, James Carville. James, what are your thoughts about tonight’s key races?

Carville: Well, first of all, let me say that Consuela’s low cut top is nothing short of sensational.    

Look, the voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue that there were Republicans.

For the longest time I didn't even know that my wife was a Republican...until I came home early one afternoon and caught her misting Congressman Bohner's back with spray-on tan. 

Most voters don't know the difference between good (Democrats) and evil (Republicans.)  It's my job to educate them...sort of like Yoda in Star Wars.

Election Central: Can you give us an example?

Carville: We did a mass mailer last week with a picture of Sarah Palin and assured voters that if she is elected she WILL eat their children.

Election Central: I see…and you have proof of this?

Carville: Of course I do but it’s none of your business.  Sharing too much information is what loses elections.

Election Central: How’s that?

Carville: Because I said so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the space ship.

James Carville
Election Central: For more insight, we’re now joined by former New Orleans Mayor, C. Ray Nagin. Mr. Mayor, what are your thoughts about the heated senate battle going on in Louisiana?

Nagin: The tropical breeze brewing in the South Pacific will most likely KILL everyone on the Gulf Coast…TOMORROW!

Election Central: The South Pacific is nowhere near the Gulf Coast-- what’s the basis of your assertion??

Nagin: Because I’m drunk right now but Crown Royal gives me unusually powerful analytical acumen.  Look, we need to take back the Chocolate City.

Election Central: Are you feeling okay Mayor Nagin?

Nagin: Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of??? I’m fine but I’m very concerned about this tropical breeze. This is not a normal storm…it’s a special storm with voodoo powers.

I’ve also heard that it’s an extremely racist storm and is only targeting African American neighborhoods. I recommend that everyone evacuate immediately or the National Guard will be ordered to shoot everyone in the Gulf Coast states and then they will be ordered to burn their houses down.

Election Central: Mr. Mayor, thank you for, uh, your perspective. Joining us now for insight on the New York mayoral race is Reverend Jesse Jackson…Reverend Jackson what’s the impact of a republican win tonight?

Rev. Jackson: Burger King is a racist organization.  Why can't we just stick to the issues here and talk about what's important tonight??

Election Central: What does any of that have to do with the New York mayoral race?

Rev. Jackson: I noticed that you put me on last  for an interview...Hmmm…I wonder why that is??

Election Central: Uh, this is the only time that your aide indicated that you were available reverend.

Rev. Jackson: I also noticed that you just tried to change the subject by talking about my schedule.

Look, it’s clear that you’re a member of the KKK…I plan to speak about this to my congregation this Sunday and I'll urge them to boycott your network…as soon as I start a congregation.

I've become particularly amused by the vagueness in news reporting; all for the sake of being FIRST to “break” a story.

Anchor: We go now LIVE to Chip Woodsworth to the site of a major disaster unfolding right now! Chip, where are you and what can you tell us?

Chip: Well, Dick, we're broadcasting right now on a grainy, shaky satellite camera phone for dramatic effect.  We're located near the disaster site somewhere between the 30th and 40th parallel where this terrible disaster is unfolding.

Anchor: Is that north or south latitude?

Chip: Sorry Dick, I should have's SOUTH latitude. Had it been north latitude this terrible disaster would have been a MAJOR catastrophe!

Breaking news graphic and dramatic music sound effect

Anchor: This just in...Reporter Chip Woodsworth has just informed us that a MAJOR catastrophe has been averted at an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet.  Chip, Have you spoken with any of the victims?

Chip: Yes, Dick, I have. They are obviously grief-stricken and in shock.  This is one of the hardest assignments that I've ever had to do but, as you know, we sometimes have to get deep into the trenches amongst the people and get our hands dirty...which is why I'm standing above the disaster site on an elevated 8-million dollar platform which our engineers constructed this afternoon.

Anchor: I can see that you're wearing your Jones of New York brown sport coat with your shirt collar unbuttoned!

Chip: Yes...conditions here are deplorable!!!  We don't even have a stylist on site!!! 

We simply felt that it would be gaudy to roam around this disaster in suits. That's why I'm wearing Hilfiger jeans so I can blend in. You can rest assured that I will NOT leave the scene until we find out exactly what happened or why all of these people are dead.

I, personally, have not eaten for 3 hours and it was simply a warm brie with pear preserves on a tomato basil melba square!!

Anchor: Horrible!!!

Chip: This job is not always glamorous Dick.

Anchor: Stay safe Chip...we're all praying for you and the victims' families.

While there are many things which amuse me about soaking up today’s slick, high-tech news reporting, there’s nothing funnier than when a news anchor’s teleprompter dies:

Anchor: With the unemployment rate at 9.6 percent, lawmakers are looking for ways to create jobs. Republicans say tax cuts should be…um…well they, uh….er…the people on the side of the one aisle in Congress feel that….(nervous laugh) Well, darn it all, we’re having a bit of a technical glitch…and I’m not wearing pants under this news desk…We go now to political strategist James Carville for perspective.

Carville: George W. Bush is responsible for this teleprompter glitch, and the impending meteor which is barreling toward earth at 97-million miles per second.

By the way, is Consuela off tonight??

Informative, entertaining, damn good looking and, sometimes, downright absurd.

Anchor: Our top story tonight…network daredevil reporter, Chip Wordsworth...Uh, I'm sorry, they're telling me in my earpiece...WOODSWORTH.  Chip has died.

Witnesses tell us that he apparently choked on a piece of melba & brie, causing him to lose his balance. Chip fell from an elevated news platform covering a major disaster in an undisclosed location.

Our judgmental, confrontational, accusatory secret investigation team of reporters, lead by Glenn Beck, are trying to confirm any connection to gay orgies at the White House and how this might have led to Miley Cyrus’ estrangement with her father.

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010

Editor's Note: The slave laborers at Pontchartrain Press, along with a handful of people who work diligently to inspire Jim (hold him while he cries uncontrollably every night), are quite happy to take a shot of whiskey in your honour and bid you a very pleasant day...Unless you already have other plans.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

DON'T Read This!!

It seems that people become unusually melancholy between Summer and Fall. Some believe that it has something to do with lunar activity or earth’s changing axis, thus shorter daylight hours. I blame global warming® because it makes me sound fashionable.

I’ve been chatting recently with some friends who seem especially down these days and it prompted me to solicit their assistance for a personal view of what they believe happiness really is. For some, it’s passing an exam, for others it might be taking a walk with their child on a lazy afternoon in the park.

Here’s a few responses that I received from friends as a contribution to this piece: (I've also included a few of my own)

Happiness Is…

Sean: Seeing a child’s face light up when you hand him/her a strawberry ice cream cone and then snatch it away, eating it instantly while they cry uncontrollably. (I’m kidding…I hate strawberry ice cream…and kids)
Lynn: Grocery shopping with a friend while dressed as Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton while singing “Islands in the Stream” throughout the store for no apparent reason.

JIM: Stabbing people who actually utter the acronym “WTF!” in a face to face conversation. Then, while standing over their lifeless body in a filthy, desolate alleyway, I scream back to them OMG, LMFAO!! TTYL!

Mark: Petting a pretty kitten. And then shaking hands with your boss who has a severe, debilitating allergy to cat hair. And then kick him in the balls.

Steve: Witnessing public speaking faux pas’ (I’m looking in the direction of the Arizona Governor)

Heather: The closing credits of Glen Beck’s Fox News program.

Shannon: (My neighbor) Experiencing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.

JIM: Being able to slip away un-noticed from your neighbor’s closet after witnessing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.

Matt: The peace and tranquility when the construction crew jack-hammering, which awakens you each morning, is ordered to cease operations indefinitely because Immigration Agents have raided the worksite.

Todd: The way a new romantic interest gazes into your eyes lovingly as you breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that you seem to have been successful in making them believe that you’re not a sexual deviant, at least long enough to see her naked.

Jamie: Giving sage, comforting advice to a friend who is feeling down.

JIM: Realizing that it’s time to find a new circle of friends.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Lynn (primarily because her name is Lynn). She called me after suffering for an entire day from an inexplicable case of the blahs. I spent a few moments with her on the phone, mainly because I was waiting for the bartender to change the Guinness keg, and offered her an exercise in treating the blahs. Rearrange your house!

I advised her to take a label maker (post-it notes will also work) and label everything in the house, then rearrange it alphabetically. (clockwise, beginning at the front door) Afterwards, go out and pick up a one night stand to bring home for cheap, meaningless “love” on top of a pile of Brillo Pads.

*They will be closer to the front door

Afterwards, ask your random sexual conquest if they can help scrub the bathtub.

**Also near the door

Stress, stress, stress. My friend Tony is always uptight about something, which makes him an easy target for fun. One night me and the guys took Tony out on the town and got him drunk and then convinced him that someone had stolen his glove compartment. Talk about jumpy…and gullible.

I have some friends who seem impervious to the blahs. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m quite impressed. My friend Carrie noticed that I was in a funk this week when she proudly showed me a new fart “App” that she downloaded to her phone. I don’t know which was most disturbing- that she actually downloaded a fart “App” or that I listened to all 20 farts. It chased away the blues though…and a few people sitting nearby.

I suppose I’m most happiest while taking in a nice afternoon stroll, observing the world and its occupants around me. I also enjoy it when someone falls off a bicycle…there’s no graceful way to fall off a bicycle and it makes me laugh every time. I also enjoy interacting with many interesting people who not only take time to read my writing, but make time to send me an email.

Reader comment: "Your posts are too long for lazy people to read the whole thing in one sitting.Cheers"

Jim: You're writings are rather long, but it's all part of my master plan to weed out the lazy people.

Me and my team plan to round up all the lazy people (we'll identify them because they will be the ones who don't read an entire story in one sitting) and then we'll put them on a rocket ship and shoot them into space.

Only, we won't randomly shoot them into space, that would be lazy. We will shoot them into the trajectory of an errant meteor where the rocket ship and meteor will collide...killing all on board. (note: the meteor may sustain slight damage, but nothing major that will impede its progress of smashing into earth and triggering another ice age.)

No one will hear the incident because, as they say, in space no one can hear you scream.

I've been told that there are a lot of lazy people in space also...which explains why none of the other planets have been developed with viable infrastructures.

By the way, in case another ice age does, in fact, occur, I have purchased an underground bunker in or any of your friends are welcome to stay there if you want.

Thanks for reading my stuff and remember, if you didn't read it in one sitting, we'll know… WE’LL KNOW.

Now that we’ve, hopefully, chased away some of the blahs, I bid you a happy day filled with… something deep and poetic which I should insert here.

For the lazy, soon to be rocket ship victims, this piece is only 1,040 words and unedited. Mike “The Editor” is off this week undergoing a personality transplant procedure.

Countdown: three, two, 1,040.

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010

Author's Note: This note does NOT count toward the 1,040 shut up! This little piece is dedicated to one of the best friends money can buy...wait, that's not what I meant. This is for Rikki. I hope it made you smile but, most importantly, I hope you know what a shining light you are to so many people. I thank you.