Toss the blood pressure meds and inhale The latest from Pontchartrain Press to allay your worries in a hyper-saturated news era...it may cause cancer. Enjoy.
I wish that I were computer savvy enough to hack into someone's social media account, not for nefarious reasons, I'd just do small things BUT I'd do it to unlikely targets-- such as, say, Betty White--Betty's Status Update: "My loins are moist." Feeling: Blessed
I read that a Taiwanese hacker threatened to delete (Facebook founder) Mark Zuckerberg's account recently but then he cancelled his threat at the last minute. This proves my long held understanding that no one, NO ONE can easily delete a Facebook account.
FB Admin:
"Hey Mark, your friends are missing you, even though we have no qualitative info to back up this assertion. We would, however, love for you to reactivate your account so that you might resume shallow interactions (very similar to small talk with a stripper, until you stop tipping) Just click here. CLICK IT or we will find you and destroy you and your family."
"Hey, Mark, it's been a week since we've seen you and 3.8 million of your friends just cooked something that literally looks like actual dogshit with kale garnish and steamed broccoli...AND they posted a fucking photo of it-- reactivate now stop missing the fun, Mark."
Facebook even has a prompt to temporarily deactivate (once again) not offering an appropriate click-option:"This is only temporary, I'll be back." Should read: I'll be back when I'm ready to stalk my ex online, thanks.
It saddens me that not even ONE international hacker gives a shit about Tom over at Myspace. Tom's lucky anyway because he had a revolutionary vision for Facebook to buy Myspace and become home to several dozen Swedish Glam Metal bands. Plus, web platforms-- and traditional news media-- have come under such immense scrutiny for a term which was barely uttered two years ago...Fake News. Sigh.
Oxford defines "Fake News" as a tactic useful in describing virtually anything that is not right or does not mesh with one's own principles or acceptable views. For me, this precisely describes the entire Olive Garden menu.
Fake news accusations always seem to be associated with very serious topics or events steeped in partial truths:
(Knoxville, TN.) Santa Claus actor whispers comforting words into dying child's ear. Unbeknownst to the Santa actor, the child was contagious and they both are now in heaven.
Having spent a significant amount of time in mainstream media, I wondered if it would be possible to insert fake news around any story-- perhaps stories about ordinary people and events. Because I do not wish to anger Sean Hannity, we'll use only feel-good or A-political copy facts.
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(Wilmington, NC.) In rare move, Chick-fil-A opens on Sunday for folks in the aftermath of hurricane...Except for "the queers."
Okay, admittedly, that didn't turn out well because I'm operating without spellcheck and am uncertain as to whether or not I spelled Chick-fil-A correctly, so this might qualify as overt fake news. Let's move on...
(Spokane, WA.) Teen fires arrow at cougar, saving life of her younger brother.
Twelve year-old Amaya Fisher told Fox News (and I wish that I were making this up) that she and her brother had been out practicing elk calls on the evening of Septem…
Wait, WHAT the fuck??? I honestly can't do anything with this one. Next story…
I've always felt that newspaper copy editors miss the fun boat with word placement and structure. You'd be amazed by the power of something as simple as a hyphen:
(Madison, WI.) Boy rescued from drowning after firefighter spots his finger poking out of a man-
(See, "manhole", B-7)
And, one for the pet lovers...
(Lanai, Hawaii) Longing for the cat that you left at home on vacation? Lanai`s open-air sanctuary is a happy haven for spayed and neutered cats. Situated on a large playground in paradise, there are over 600 kitties, all available to take home for adoption! (More details in a moment) Now, this…
(Clay County, TN) Tennessee county subject of a DEA investigation over allegations that 270 pain pills were dispensed to each of the county's residents. Celina, TN. is a small Cumberland Plateau town with three churches, a few stores, a school, numerous lost Bonnaroo festival attendees and a robust chapter of the KKK.
In reality, the evolution of hysteria in the media has been a long time coming in who best vies for your attention and it took a dramatic turn when photos overshadowed the printed word. Who else wants to see a naked selfie with Abe Lincoln?
Forget the paper rolled up in the driveway, now the creepy call is coming from within the house. We're deluged with reports of terrible events, neatly crammed in a 28 second glossy package that I like to call "Balls of Hysteria" before tossing it back to wacky Stu with a quick look at that weekend forecast.
Balls of Hysteria, by the way, would make an excellent title for an action/adventure pornographic video.
(Dade County, FL) Man punches out of control sex robot.
(Palm Beach, FL) Woman arrested for trying to sell daughter at Walmart.
The savings NEVER end at the Walmart, and you can always count on Florida to make us feel better about ourselves. I almost forgot…
Update: DUBUQUE, IOWA (FEB. 22)-- Temps expected to dip into minus territory ahead of massive blizzard. In other news: Cat adopted from Hawaiian paradise now calls Dubuque home. Wonders: "What the fuck did I do wrong???"
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