Sunday, August 21, 2016

We Go Further, uh, Farther...uh, a Long Way

Always exciting to receive reader mail:
Dear Jim,
Help! A friend and I are debating the correct use of "further" vs. "farther."
Chandra, Nashville,TN.
From: James Patrick
That seems to be an action packed Thursday evening you have going there.
    Teachers often use clever tricks to assist via association with our language. I.e.
HOMES= the Great Lakes
Roy G. Biv= colors of the spectrum
"My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas"= Planets of the solar system
(even though Pluto is now considered the bastard stepchild of the solar system.) So, now we're left in the dark about what mother served nine of to the kids.
    Also, "educated" is not a word I'd associate with this mother. Child endangerment seems more appropriate.  But that doesn't fit the solar system rote memorization lesson I suppose.
    Likewise, who names their kid Roy G. Biv???
    The Mickey Mouse song is used to teach the correct spelling of Albuquerque...for those who stay up late night fretting over how to correctly spell Albuquerque. (answer: people who NEVER have sex.)
    Quite simply, further and farther are slowly becoming interchangeable in the English language...which makes it, in my opinion, bi-sexual.
   Back to your question, an old school method to settle your electrifying Thursday night debate:

Farther= physical distance...or the mileage that people plan to move from the U.S. after the election

Further= non-physical (I.e. my sex life)

example: "I desperately tried to further an evening of sexual relations with Monica but she kept moving farther down the bar."

    I feel strongly that I would've been a great elementary school teacher.
Jim Patrick
Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

OMG...A Selfish, uh, Selfie

I'm nothing if not a team player/employee. So, here's a feel-good, optimistic interlude for one of our markets titled:
 "I'm Being Forced To Write This...And, My Cat Died." 
    It's time to aim the white hot spotlight on those wacky people who camp out on the text and social media landscape-- specifically-- the folks who, helpfully, tell us who to vote for while sharing scrumptious dinner photographs.
    I've always held curious fascination toward those who snap photos of their food and post it to FaceSnatch; it's entertaining.  
    Leading psychologists (from top universities)  have a theory on this topic:
     Research suggests that (their words, not mine) "...photographing food and posting to social media indicates early stages of clinical insanity."  NOOOO WAY! Seriously?  These people are about to elect a new president...and other dangerous stuff like driving and procreating.  
    By the way, university scholars know a thing or two about insanity...It's called Beer Pong...and the student loan program.
    Let's take a look at what the foodie paparazzi have to say via actual social media survey participants:

"I do it to get people to join me for a meal."
"To make lasting memories."
"To know what I'm putting in my body."
"Because it's fun."
"People like to see it."
"Because I'm narcissistic"*
**not an actual survey response
    We'll just go ahead and score a win for team psychology/Sally Mae/Budweiser.
   My friends are astutely aware of my strong disinterest toward food pics in that, when I receive one, I politely send a text pic of a turd in my toilet bowl with a sprinkle of basil...and my dead cat-- I'm, of course, kidding-- I would never snap a pic of a dead cat.
    I've been fortunate enough in life to enjoy some of the best mac n cheese ever created, courtesy of my mom, grandmothers and even my dad, but I hold no desire to clog my in-box with pictures of it...I do something crazier with my food...I EAT it thus saving valuable folder space for pornhub pics.
    Another favorite--and I'm not being a word snob-- is the txt abbreviation:

    fml csffh hktwu.,&$@:":...  WTF? ttyl, fuk off... omw. LOL. (:

    At Pontchartrain Press we use complete words and sentences in our communication. 
    I also understand why text abbreviation is sometimes valid...such as clever tactics in throwing off a federal government sting operation. 
   Amanda Port, Leigh, Todd, Mike Klein (the editor) and I share the same account at the company...primarily, I suspect, facilitating their ability to change my password when they become nervous about my writing.
    My favorite is the online pronouncement of a romance in bloom which is splashed across the screen for all to view...

Kim: Bestessss bf in the world. xoxxoo @Chris who fixed the bestessss dinner ever, and re-shingled my house while giving CPR to an unconscious nun.
(Kim is in a relationship with Chris)

Chris: Fun nite with a perfect gurl...
(Chris is in a relationship with Kim)

Three months later...
Kim: I don't understand why some people are Douche bags! ugh.

Chris: I don't understand why some people are filthy whores! 
(Chris went from being in a relationship to Single)

Kim: (is single)

    In the words of the great Satchmo...What a virtual world!
    We're taking our summer break but plan to return in late September with open letters to the presidential candidates... and a fantastic eggplant parmesan recipe.

ed. note: No cats were harmed in the making of this article.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Hooked On Kardashionics

Fun Facebook picture companion version...

A nice email experience with Mike Klein, the editor regarding my interaction with reader mail:

From: Mike
Seriously?  Please be nice in answering reader mail; This is a Loyola student in New Orleans.
    From: James Patrick
I try not to speak with people in general...especially aspiring lawyers. Btw, To which piece are u referring to? Notice that my previous sentence is riddled with grammatical imperfections. I'm willing to bet that you just had a stroke.
    Which mail dispatch was bad? I've lost interest...I meant count.

From: Mike Klein
THIS one:
reader mail From: Kristin
"Hey Jim.  Is there a writer who makes u laugh
and what are you doing Sunday night?"
From: Jim
"Judy Bloom makes me laugh.
As for Sunday night plans, I'm somewhat alarmed by that question but I'll likely prepare a roasted Turkey avocado wrap with jalapeno, watch a late night rerun of the hilarious Steve Harvey program and cry myself to sleep on my living room floor."

TO: Kristin
From: Jim Patrick
cc: Mike Klein
    Greetings, Kristin,
Sorry for, what might have seemed, a flippant response.  I, of course, do not watch the Steve Harvey show.
    To answer your question, my favorite writing and broadcast influences come from people who are much more talented than I could possibly possibly be in two lifetimes:
My father
The late Tom Snyder
Aaron Sorkin
A brilliant Aussie/ viral internet genius, David Thorne

And...the inimitable works from Dave Barry at the Miami Herald.

I'm somewhat influenced by Kim Kardashian and Carson Daly...but I reserve that writing style exclusively for special pieces.


Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

Saturday, August 6, 2016


To get the full effect of this article, with a fun photo, visit our miserable Facebook page...

Last in our series titled "We Swear These Are Real Dating Sites."
    We stumbled upon a site which is dedicated to guys whose loving moms tirelessly exhaust effort in finding Ms. Right for their sons.  We're not allowed to publish the site name, which likely saves these poor guys what little dignity remains...enjoy.
James Patrick has entered chat
Jim: Looking for someone to binge watch the Olympics with me... Anyone?

Ashley has entered:
I think ure on the wrong site. This is moms with single sons date site.
Yeah, my mom is no longer with I'm on my own without a "wing mom."
Sorry to hear that. How long since she passed?
Oh, she didn't pass; She ran off with a guy named Lou.  He's in charge of the Big Door Factory...or something like that-- He got a job transfer-- perhaps to be in charge of a bigger door at the factory.
Wait, huh? Is this for real??
Jim: I don't completely understand it either, Ash. I figure that his company should install several smaller doors, thus creating more jobs in order to "Make America's Doors BIG Again."®  At any rate, mom seems happy, unlike me.
LOL. What are you unhappy about?
Jim: At the moment, my profile pic on this site.
It's a dark blank frame?
It was supposed to be a pic of my penis but I couldn't figure out how to make my phone flash work.
Ashley: HA! u would've gotten booted btw.
So, have YOU secured any dates with guys whose moms seem to be pimping them out?
No, I'm just sort of like a greeter & moderator.  Your profile info is pretty empty'll have better match ups with more info...You have any hobbies.
Jim: I study cause and effect of Oedipus complex which makes this a perfect dating site.
Very funny. Seriously...hobbies???
I spend my downtime collecting bright blue bottles...and worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ.

Admin message+
Your trial membership has expired. Please visit the link below for exclusive member dating options.
    And, there you have it.  Still single until I successfully find a BIG door number three dating website. seems not to exist...

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.