Friday, November 18, 2011

A Windshield Love Note. Xoxo

I received a helpful parking pointer (via windshield note) from the redneck who lives on my street. He, specifically, lives next door to my place of business. After giving his note thoughtful and due attention, I decided to leave this gentleman a very kind return letter.

“Please park where YOU live so that I can park where I live. Thank you.

Any questions? See RESIDENT.”'s my response.


I would like to begin my response to you by setting a positive tone in following your direction by completely capitalizing the entire word “resident” in my salutation.

I’d also like to commend you on, what I can only enviously describe as, excellent handwriting!

My penmanship is absolutely deplorable. I attribute this unfortunate fact to sleep deprivation as a child. It’s a rather long story, but it had much to do with me being afraid to sleep while my creepy Uncle Leonard lived with us for a couple of years.

I always locked my bedroom door at night but, somehow, he always figured out how to pick the lock. **

*Note: He’s in jail now

Anywhooo…It was extremely negligent, as a neighbor, for me to not properly introduce myself after living on the block for years…

I DO, in fact, park where I live…which is located a couple of doors down from YOU** **Heretofore noted as “The RESIDENT.”**

Notice that I am paying literary homage by using numerous capitalizations. xoxo

Actually, now that I think about it, I also WORK on the block, which is quite helpful in that I have a very short commute to my place of business…located next door to your house.

As a side note, not having to drive to work is quite fortuitous for me as Presidents Obama and Bush’s failed energy policies, coupled with continuous caving to the greedy price fixing tactics employed by OPEC, have skyrocketed fuel prices to their highest in history.**

**Note: Unless you watch MSNBC. They factor in inflation vs. dollar valuation statistics into the equation in order to blame President Regan…and to garner cross-promotion ratings for their financial sister network (CNBC.)

I’m sure that Dick Cheney has something to do with these greedy oil bastards as well…according to NBC’s Matt Lauer.

From what the other neighbors tell me, you seem to feel strongly that you OWN the public, city-owned, LEGAL, parallel space in front of your house.

I suspect that this is likely a direct result of this being the first home in which you have dwelled that is not on wheels…thus making you extremely (and understandably) territorial about parking spaces.

I become, similarly, angry when I visit the Wal Mart as it relates to those who drive silly looking, pimped out trucks with 10-thousand dollars worth of rims and stereo equipment…especially when they take up two parking spaces on the front row so that no one can ding their doors.

I especially HATE when these people park in the fire lane! What would happen if a fire occurred at the display table being manned by one of those people preparing free samples of Pepperidge Farms Spicy Sausage Balls???

Now that I think about it…WHY would someone driving a Honda Prelude with 500-thousand dollars worth of custom body and stereo equipment be shopping at WAL MART anyway??? It seems to me that they have enough money to shop at Target?**

**Note: Target does NOT offer Pepperidge Farms Spicy Sausage Balls

I appreciate your dispatch, as I am accustomed to only receiving pizza delivery fliers on my windshield. I would point out that a more effective means of communication to relay the deep love which you clearly hold for this rock-star parking space would be in the form of a landmine.

The United Nations continues to unearth numerous such devices from Kosovo and I’m sure that they are available through the black market for very little money.**

**Note: The United Nations security checks and balances system is very lax.

While I have no questions, as per the helpful directive in your note, I WOULD still love to visit with you sometime so that we might enjoy a cup of hot cocoa and a game of Scrabble.

I take mine with Irish whiskey. (The cocoa, that is.) Which will squarely give you a distinct advantage in our Scrabble match.


James Patrick

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2011