Monday, April 11, 2016

Birthday Blisssss

    I'm experiencing another stupid birthday and, as usual, I've learned many valuable lessons...all of which escape me at the moment.
    This year on my birthday I plan to do what many successful people in our society do...begin a 7 to 10 month sentence at a minimum security prison.
    On day 364, let's cut the cake, enjoy a lap dance from a vulnerable college stripper who's majoring in Art History and take a peek at a few "Things I've Learned."

1. I genuinely enjoy conversation, so long as I'm not involved in any way whatsoever.

2. I judge ANY guy who orders a shot of Fireball. (or drives a Miata)

3. Far too many people spend far too much time worrying about how to BE together rather than just being together.

4. If you want to enjoy unscripted entertainment, engage a 23-year old in conversation about Bernie Sanders.  It's important that you pose as a dedicated Trump supporter or WWE fan--  share a racist joke, buy them a shot of Fireball and ask them to explain what the 13th and 15th amendments to the constitution mean to them. (pause for 10 seconds so they can Google it.)

5. I get into trouble quite often for being honest.  Case in point-- One does not have to do anything that they do not wish to do.  (I live by this philosophy) The caveat being that you must be prepared to accept consequences and be labeled as difficult, or a Kardashian.  In rare cases it, oddly, might very well set you on a path to the presidency.

6. I'm no fashion expert but, skinny jeans and man buns??? Guys, please stop it!  I've inadvertently avoided getting laid for almost two years...yet, somehow, you continue to thrive. #douche

7. #hashtagscausecancer

8. People believe ANYTHING that they read online. If you don't believe it, log in to Facebook where you'll learn about current events-- then hit "like" and type "amen" to receive financial blessings.

9. Rice-a-Roni is NOT, in fact, the San Francisco treat.  A young woman named Amanda is.

10. I don't understand those who want to win the Power Ball.  I simply visit the corner store to feel much better about my OWN life, purchase a pack of smokes, beef jerky and  find comfort in how my life is much more simplistic-- as I wait for the dick in front of me treat a Powerball ticket transaction as though they're signing adoption papers.

11. I'm rather embarrassed that my shopping list this week includes croissants, a pineapple, Tide laundry detergent and shoelaces.

12. Everyone who I've ever met named "Chaz" is a complete asshole.

13. When did shingles become an epidemic?  And, why is Terry Bradshaw trying to scare the shit out of me with it?

14. I embrace invasive technology, just like the Unibomber...minus blowing stuff up, for now.

15. (deleted) Item fifteen, apparently, didn't sit well with the editor yet number fourteen made the cut.

16. Mike Klein, the editor, once again, still sucks the life from my soul.

17. If you use "lol" in a text, call me "boo" or your "bff", please lose all contact info for me.

17. I love my new phone...
Jim: "Hey, Siri, wanna have crazy animal sex?"
Siri: "I'm afraid I don't understand your question."
Jim: "Yeah, me neither.  Thanks Siri."

Another year has passed with the comfort as that of a kidney stone.  And so I anxiously anticipate a fun new year filled with fresh adventures, life lessons, a possible 3-way sexual encounter and a Hollywood reboot version of the hilarious, socially conscious, 80's sitcom, "Diff'rent Strokes."

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