But, I cook, I clean up after myself, I’m fairly neat, I know how to do laundry, I open doors for the ladies, I don’t hate cats and I’m an above average Pictionary player. All of which, in my opinion, makes me a good catch for the ladies…or a serial killer. I can’t really decide.
I’m not sure that any of the above holds relevance to this article, I just thought I’d throw a little slice of randomness out there for my final piece of 2011.
Speaking of which, I receive critiques from time to time via reader mail and managing editor memos pointing out that my writings lean toward random and scattered at times. I'm not random! What are these people thinking???
Which reminds me…I really love the Muppets...and I believe that zoos pamper panda bears entirely too much.
Who wants to visit a zoo exhibit where you cant make so much as a peep, or a fart, so as not to disturb the delicate panda? Besides, I love to peep...and farts make me laugh.
The helpful employees at the San Diego Zoo pointed out (just before throwing me out) that noise hinders the panda from mating. There were even dozens of signs which pretty much made me feel that, if I so much as sneezed, the entire panda family would immediately die of massive heart attacks...thus killing the entire species on the planet!
Now that I think about it, don't pandas live in the wild??? Do the other woodland creatures know about this aversion to noise vs. mating? No wonder the panda is endangered. I LIKE noise when I’m mating…the more the merrier! What a bunch of divas!
So, I flicked my cigarette butt into the cage and made my way to the monkey exhibit. Anyway, where was I?
Those hard working, kind and loving people (pronounced: evil) who edit my story lines and publish my writings throughout the year oftentimes shoot down ideas…especially when I try to write a serious piece.
I once submitted a treatment about a friend of mine who lost her job AND her boyfriend…all in one week. It included a healthy level of humor but it also included real life grit. I even made a joke about (according to her description) the size of his…uh, you get the picture.
It was shot down quicker than it takes Sarah Palin to make a stupid comment.
Since I’m perfectly comfortable with wearing the giant “random writing badge” here’s a small collection of random words from 2011 and some things that I’ve learned from time spent strolling through it, which might just validate that label.
I promise that it‘s Muppet-free. I may include the Pandas though…Just keep your noise level to a minimum…so as not to spoil the mating mood. (Cue the Isaac Hayes music)
On the surface, I found myself on numerous occasions wishing that 2011 would finally end...until I looked deeper to learn lessons and to find appreciation.
I moved into a new place, moved out and moved into another new place. Oh, in the interim, I gained and lost a girlfriend…which pretty much makes me a “carnie”…only I have all of my teeth and above average hygiene. And I don’t know the first thing about operating a roller coaster.
I finally let go of a 150-year collective pile of belongings in a storage unit that cost me approximately 8-million dollars per year.
The items belonged to my parents and grandparents. I remember, with vivid detail, how painful this day was.
To watch people pouring over one’s family heritage is not easy…until I came to the realization that the “things” don’t make the people…fond memories DO. I suppose there are indeed some things which one can not purchase at a garage sale.
As I scan through some of my 2011 writings, there were encounters with people who exhibited hurtful behavior toward others...which provided several humorous passages in those stories.
I discovered that Wendy’s “Natural Cut Sea Salt” French fries are absolutely deplorable.
I experienced situations where friends let me down...but realized that I've let friends down as well.
In the entertainment world, I’m proud to exit 2011 successfully escaping “Bieber Fever.” Then again, I’ve always been leery of Canadians.
I came to the realization that, far too often, people speak and act before they think…myself included.
As a single mother friend of mine will readily attest, I learned that it is unwise to allow me to assist a young child with his homework assignments. As a matter of fact, it will likely get him suspended from school for two days.**
**Note: I am NOT a role model for children.
I learned that love is hard to find and terribly easy to lose.
I also learned that Mike, the editor’s, favorite color is “sky magenta“…which confirms my suspicion that he’s clinically insane.
On the human relations front, I learned that far too many people have been in some form of a relationship where they’ve been told that they’re not good enough or have been made to feel insignificant at the hands of insecure, small minded people.
This creates a difficult playing field for the next person who becomes involved with this person.
I’ve recently learned that no truer words were ever written as those which hang over the facade of the U.S. National Archives building:
“Past is Prologue.”
It roughly means that, to get where you’re going, you must first UNDERSTAND where you’ve been so as not to repeat missteps. It can also mean that one should repeat courses of action which bring about positive outcomes.
I discovered that my friend, Eric, has an odd obsession with midgets AND sexual relations with amputees. Needless to say, he's a lot of fun to get drunk with.
I also learned that people talk too much...myself included.
On a much deeper, personal note, I experienced finding love...and losing it. Perhaps I can talk the great chick flick director, Rob Reiner, into making a movie about it. The working title will be called:
"2011, Jim Is An Idiot...A Carnie Love Story."
Aside from all of the above, everything else is pretty much the same. Which is to say that I still hate Nickelback and no one in New Orleans has yet to figure out how to use a turn signal.
2011 has taught me how to love, laugh, let go and...simply be quiet when necessary.
After all, it nurtures a better mating mood for the pandas.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2011