Wednesday, January 18, 2012

My Vacation...And Other Reasons Why I'm A Social Misfit

I've taken some time off from writing since Christmas.  Primarily because the holidays represent something larger than work; it's a time for celebrating life, family, love, goodwill toward men and...

Actually, I was just lazy and didn't feel like writing.

I DID find time to catch up on some television.  I watched a fascinating documentary on the birth of Christ.  The segment covering the Magi...aka: The "Wise men" especially caught my attention.

By all documented accounts, there is very little reputable information to be found about the Magi.  They're noted as wise gentlemen who operated and imparted their sage wisdom and guidance under a mystic veil of secrecy...sort of like Dick Cheney.  

 The only definitive notation that I could find was that they were from the east, as was my Aunt Helen...only I'm reasonably certain that the Magi probably weren't from Ithaca as was Aunt Helen.  And, they probably weren't clinically was Aunt Helen.

As a factual note, the Magi were astrologers, roamers, spiritual advisors and earthy fellows.  They often wandered around with cool things such as gold, myrrh and frankincense oil that they brought to special occasions like Jimmy Patterson's keg party, a picnic or the birth of Christ**

**Note: Not necessarily in that order

After watching the documentary, it occurred to me that the Magi were the original "Dead Heads."

Magi #1: "Dude...look at that star!"

Magi #2: "Hell yeah...that totally rocks dude!"

Magi #1: "Let's follow it and see where it takes us."

Magi #2: "Let's wait till Balthasar (wise man #3) gets back with a dime bag."

Magi #1: "Good call...Hey, are you hungry?"

For the record, I got kicked out of church a lot as a kid.

The truth of the matter is that I've had computer problems and decided that it was perfect timing for me to shed the technological shackles of our busy 21st century environment in order to return to return to the basics in life.

I did what any logical person who wants to escape the 21st century and technology would do...I went on a road trip to Mississippi.

Mississippi is known as the gambling evidenced by an abundance of casinos.  It is also the birthplace of Elvis, the blues, an inordinate amount of Waffle House restaurants and home to numerous KKK rallies.

My road trip afforded a fresh glimpse at that I realized that I can NOT live without my cell phone.

I made it about one quarter of a mile into the state when my cell phone service not only ceased to exist, my phone actually jumped through the window and began running back toward the Louisiana state line.

It's amazing to me, now that I think about it, why I'm even dependent upon computers and cell phones.  I tend to be bad at BOTH mediums as a form of communication.

A recent example comes from exchanges with a young woman with whom I dated.

In trying to be hip and endear myself to her as a writer, I thought it to be a good idea to engage in suggestive texts.  (Pronounced: literary disaster.) 

While I greatly enjoyed my time with her and found her to be wonderful, it was sometimes a challenge to send romantic or suggestive texts without them being over-analyzed.  I'm just not good at texting...admittedly.

Leigh: Did you get the picture of me drinking the margarita?

Me: Yes.  Wish I were there!

Leigh: You want a margarita now?  :)

Me: Only if it's on your body.

Leigh: Aaack...then I'd be all sticky!

Me: Uh, Not when I'm done. Hehehe

Leigh: ???

Me: Nevermind

Another failed texting exchange came when I was about to embark on a road trip to visit my lady friend who was visiting a friend in a quaint, rural-south town.

Leigh: So, what would you like to do when you get here?  Where do you want to go?

Me: I'd like to find a beautiful field and sit and chill with you.  It's been a long time since I've seen a field. I look forward to seeing you btw!  I miss you.

Leigh: Then what?

Me: I'd like to bring a bottle of wine and enjoy a romantic afternoon.

Leigh: What kind of wine are you bringing?  Btw, there are no liquor stores here.  Are you gonna pick up wine there?  Do you have a wine opener?

Me: Yeah, I've got it covered.  Just looking forward to catching up with you.  It'll be even better sharing a nice afternoon together in a beautiful setting with a beautiful woman.

Leigh: Where are we gonna find this field?  What time are you leaving to head here.

Me: The area is full of fields...I'll find one.  I really look forward to seeing your gorgeous smile.

Leigh: Can you stop by my house on the way out of town and make sure I locked my door? 

Me: Sure.  I'll see you up there tomorrow.  I love you.

Leigh: What are you going to do to me in the field?  Just curious.

Me: Chop you into pieces and bury you.  Btw...I found the wine opener.

I especially love Facebook (pronounced: Passive aggressive) where "friend" and "relationship" status is concerned.

Someone recently asked me if we were "friends" on Facebook.  I answered that we weren't even friends in real life.  And then I sat alone for the rest of the evening...pondering my people skills.

Jim is in a relationship with Deb
5 people like this

Deb is in a relationship with Jim
7 people like this

Deb went from being in a relationship to single
5 people like this

Jim is single
1 person likes this

Deb is in a relationship with Jim
1 person likes this

Jim is in a relationship with Deb
1 person likes this

Jim went from being in a relationship to single
55 people like this

I'm still waiting for Facebook to introduce the status option which says:

"Jim is NOT in a relationship and is a f*cking loser who will die a lonely death...surrounded by empty Doritos bags, the aromatic remnants of cheap perfume which lingers in the air from a $40-dollar hooker while his six cats contemplate eating his dead body in the confines of a tiny, windowless apartment on the seedy part of town"

Which reminds me...How did we live without the "App's" all this time by the way???

I was with a friend at a pub recently, and I am not making this up, when she scanned her beer bottle to confirm the calorie and carb content of her determined by the Weight Watcher's diet plan.  What???????????

I'm waiting for an "App" on my phone which warns me who NOT to take to a pub from now on.

So...this is where I seem to be as we enter a brand new year:

I had a great trip to Mississippi (wine opener not included)
I have limited social skills
The only "App" that I have on my cell phone is the on/off button
I am a terrible "sexter"
I, of course, would spend more than $40-dollars on a hooker
The Magi, in my opinion, were the precursor to the CIA


I'm looking forward to an inappropriate and fun new year. 

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2012

Author's Note:  This piece is dedicated to a very special friend, Bob.  Thank you for helping me to not take things too seriously and to look at serious things with a humorous perspective.