Sunday, December 13, 2015


I received a link today from an extremely alert reader (pronounced: stalker) regarding an online business profile on our company.  Our legal machine, Wes Hohenstein, asked if we needed his assistance.  Opting for a much more disastrous approach, we decided to pass on Wes' $5-thousand dollar per minute fees and agreed that I personally dispatch an e-mail:  Here we go...
    "Categorized as publishing/media. Pontchartrain Press, Dba "Cockmonster Under My Bed"

Established/inc. 2009, New Orleans, La, Nashville, Tn.  Registered: Santa Monica, Ca, New York, Ny, Dallas, Tx, Butternut, Wi.

Principles: approximately 2
Employees: approximately 7
Annual Revenue: approximately
    $xxx,xxx     (HAHAHAHA)          

From: Jim Patrick, Pontchartrain Press
    Greetings from the South Pole, My indicated locale is about as accurate as the data compiled on our company by your associates who, clearly, work for Wikipedia.
    I once used Wikipedia for biographical on a story subject but could only decipher that she was born sometime between 1972-1990, born in Dubuque and was, in fact, deceased...which was news to her when I informed her of the tragic information that she's from Dubuque.  
    You, commendably, managed to get a few items correct.  However, much like the carnival "pop the balloon dart game" you flatly would be going home with concession stand food poisoning or a staph infection rather than the life-size stuffed animal.
    The number of "principles" was correct in noting "approximately two."  Between myself and managing editor, Mike Klein, sadly, Mike is indeed half of a man as he has only ONE testicle, directly attributed to a bizarre wheelbarrow handle to the nuts while chasing his sister when he was age 10.
   This, likely, explains a lot about Mike's general self esteem.

   The approximate number of employees is somewhat correct but might change soon as we're unable to locate Amanda since her weekend trip to North Carolina with the 12th hipster that she's dated in five years.  As she continues to make stellar life decisions, we're keeping a hopeful vigil that she wasn't involved in a shark attack, mountain accident or a hate crime.  (North Carolina is a diverse, geopolitical state)

   My money on the "Amanda Dead Pool" btw is that, unlike previous boyfriends, her new guy finally figured out how to murder her and get away with it.  
    Since we all have her number on "call block" we just don't know.  Then again, I'm pretty sure iPhones don't work in North Carolina anyway.
   As for estimated revenue, somebody has some serious explaining to do to our staff...except for Amanda of course.

James Patrick

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