Thursday, April 5, 2018

#ridiculousness

I have four people on my Facebook friends list who are deceased...three more and I get an Applebee's gift certificate.
   Before anyone judges me for being insensitive, it profoundly saddens me, because I'd rather have a TGI Friday's gift card.
   I can't really bring myself to delete deceased friends from social media because:
a) I don't maintain our pages
b) it just seems unnecessary to delete these people since they've already been ultimately deleted-- I'm a sensitive guy.
    If you're looking for a fun way to do something more dangerous than meth, sign on to your social media accounts and then join me in converting to the Amish way of life in shunning the modern world...and being weird..sort of like the Unibomber...without actually sending bombs via the postal service.
   Now that I, once again, have the attention of the National Security Agency, let's take a peek at actual social media brilliance...

As silly as they might be, witnessing social media meltdowns still amuses me. You know the ones I'm talking about...

Constance checked in at Taco Libre 8:30pm

Scott checked in at Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 8:40pm

Constance wrote: I'm not saying names but for some of u who don't like wat I'm gonna say, UNFRIEND me now.  OMG I'm sooo tired of subjecting myself to those who are evil..."specially one at work. ugh.

Scott wrote: I love ppl who play victims when they screw everything that moves. #dirtyslutbucket

Constance wrote: Some ppl I know stay out getting drunk all nite. #whiskeydick

Scott wrote: Some ppl work late because they try to make enough money so others can throw $90 away on a fucking pasta canister at #Anthropologie.com

Constance wrote: OMFG..At least I’m not latently homosexual.  #latentlyhomosexual
LOL

Scott wrote: SOME girls appreciate sensitive guys who write poems for girls.
The earth doesn’t revolve around some ppl...even though, if they keep eating the way they do, they'll be as big as a planet soon enough.

Constance wrote: Some guys can't keep it up. #Viagra

Scott wrote: Some girls need to take better personal care. #Vagisilisrightforyou

Constance wrote: I'm sooo sorry for ppl with small packages.
#Idon'tHaveAclever hashtagrightnowbut FuckyouScott

Scott wrote: Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed Constance!!!

Constance wrote: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
#Carlos

Scott wrote: Oh YEAH????  At least I’m not a little BITCH!!

Constance wrote: Yes you are.
#bitch

Scott wrote: Well, your best friend, Emily, from customer service, doesn't think so. ha!

Constance wrote: good luck with HPV
#luggage

Constance checked in  Wild Willie's Wangs n Thangs 9:47pm

Scott checked in at Taco Libre 9:44pm

Scott wrote: u here?

Constance wrote:
no...I came to wild willies to talk.
#imissyou

Author note: We're one article away from 500. And, one article away from me being off until September. Thank you all for reading from whichever platform you catch this crap. Love you.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

"As Seen On TV"

Well, here we are, Easter passed and Jesus STILL didn't come back...ugh... carpenters.
   In fairness, and to strengthen my parent's concern for my blasphemy, you truly don't know when independent contractors will EVER return.
   In other letdowns, the Chinese space station crashed and didn't hit anything funny, like Effingham, Illinois, my neighbor or one of the Kardashians-- sadly depriving the world of a hilarious segment on "TMZ" or "YouTube."
   When I'm not avoiding people, I do what every normal person does...I read the phone book to relax.
   TV is a good diversion lately because I believe everything that I see on television, except for The Weather Channel, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, Sean Hannity, Al Roker, Showtime, A&E, QVC, Wicked Tuna, pay per view motel porn and, especially, Paula Dean.
    After watching 70-days of news coverage for an upcoming project I also do not believe that Russia fixed our election...I feel strongly that the mystery of presidential election tampering was cast by some guy named Ted-- just a random guy who transferred dark feelings because of boredom, not politicism. So, he decided to fuck with things via his iPad-- over an order of loaded potato skins at the end of a TGI Fridays bar top in Muncie, Indiana-- Sometimes it's just that simple.  Don't believe it? Sadly, it's amazing what triggers people...just watch the news.
   On a brighter note, upon conclusion of my two and a half month TV binge-fest, I learned that (thankfully) Cialis is not right for me and I also feel reasonably certain that a reverse mortgage would not fit into my financial portfolio as that of a senior citizen who's economically forced to eat cat food. Now that I think about it, a reverse mortgage might be effective so long as William DeVane is somewhere nearby so that I might shake him down for his gold and silver after ultimately losing my house and forced to become a greeter at The Wal-Mart.
   In summation, fuck Tom Selleck and his predatory lending commercials.  While we're at it, fuck The General... AND Shaq too.
    I'm a big fan of Fox News... primarily because it irritates everyone else.  I'm kidding...I only watch Fox News channel because I'm a HUGE FAN of My Pillow.Com, 1-800 Empire and some catheter company, then I switch to the 400-thousand hour tru tv Impractical Jokers marathon.
    To be serious, I only watch Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, C-SPAN and the woman's bedroom window across the street.
    Speaking of a normal segment in my life, Alexa AND Siri sound hot but totally like condescending assholes (but) in their defense, I've been single for a while.

"Alexa how do I get to your house? I'll bring Siri and some vodka."
   I really didn't learn much during my television binge/research and I continue to make questionable life decisions while holding little opinion about politics, pop culture or the folks who cover the topic...
    I DO plan to enjoy baseball season and other things such as watching paint dry and it's a stress free life, which makes me smile.
    By the way, the UPS guy just delivered the "My Pillow."  "As seen on TV." zzzzzzzz!

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, March 26, 2018

FaceBerg

I've been reading all the fuss whirling around FaceBerg but the most interesting byproduct is that people are posting their imminent departure intentions from Facebook, ON FACEBOOK. This reinforces a long held feeling for something I've dreamed about for a long time-- that the out of control Chinese space station will crash onto my body-- followed by an extinction level event. *poke... smiley face.*
   I think that, in his congressional testimony, Zuckerberg should answer the distinguished panel in emojis.
   On a personal note, now is as good a time as any for Facebook to introduce the "eat a dick" button.      
   Before anyone rushes to crucify Facebook for facilitating info miners, I direct you to a larger problem...demon seed has been strewn for decades, spawning the birth of a generation of gullible idiots who share anything online-- including half naked pics of my 60 year old neighbor that still haunts my dreams, stupid live streaming vacation video while smart people are burglarizing your house and a society who
 "unfriends" people via a fucking button?  By the way...I still refuse to accept "unfriend" as an actual word.
   Call me old fashioned, but I get unfriended just fine on my own...in person.
   It's a well known fact that anything one types, posts or searches for on the web is available to anyone who holds capable skills to capture or hack it. (pronounced: your nine year old child) In my case, the NSA likely tracks me for numerous reasons-- such as Googling:
 "Hot,Taliban Girl on Girl Action."

Don't judge me.
   I'm a relatively satisfied Facebook user, as it often facilitates many helpful benefits, personally:
 I receive passive aggressive comments from people that I hate anyway, I have friends who post photos of their kids and the occasional selfie someone snaps along with their dumb entree at some stupid, overpriced restaurant. I also receive numerous horrible friend suggestions and an intrusive, but entertaining, daily topic generator asking me to complete the sentence:
From: Facebook. "Hey Jim! Complete the sentence..."
 "In the shower, I like to sing..."

From Jim:
"Rape Me."

   Zuckerburg, who I affectionately refer to as the walking PB&J sandwich, with the crust trimmed, lost several billion dollars in stock value over this whole thing but I, on the other hand, made use just minutes ago, via his brilliant platform...
   I logged off.  Right after I played with a Facebook quiz that matches my personality with famous war criminals or my porn star name...i can't remember.
Regards,
Idi Adolf Von Monster Rod

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Rain, Sleet or something else stupid. It's Mail Time

We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite.  USA!
    In the meantime we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day; enjoy...
     I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or blog site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as lying very still...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.

From Susan, Louisville KY
    Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
    Congrats!  I only know one Chinese phrase...
"I'll take the number 15 dinner."  Godzirrra!  Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
    Elsewhere, apparently, since Donald Trump was elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada.  Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved.  Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
    At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.

From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you.  I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept, sort of a cool hang without having to admit that it's a cool hang.  Our signature drink will be called "My bad, you're dead."

The drink is a mixture of Rolling Rock and Tide Pods.

   By the way, please lose my email address.

    From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
    From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.

    From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese.  You should hang out there one afternoon.  You'd get tons of writing material.
    From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile.  Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
   That's about it for the mail sack for now...
By the way, the name of my new "hipster" bar--  The Downtrodden Scampi."

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018 All Rights Reserved

Satisfaction (somewhat) Guaranteed

The voices in my head are reminiscent of those presented in the spectacular viral video short: "Charlie the Unicorn."  For me, this winding stroll through life is boring at worst...delightfully weird at best and somewhere in the middle makes me want to jump into the rotor of a helicopter.  Where to begin?  Let's start with...
   I finally have all of my social media access codes after nine years so now I can take full responsibility for any social media activity which, it seems, many people take more to heart than losing a loved one.  At any rate, should I inadvertently offend anyone on social media, I will do the adult thing and passive aggressively blame Amanda Port, my colleague and human trainwreck/horrible guy magnet.
    The first experience upon my solo dip into the tepid social media pool was:
"James Patrick, 10,000 people have liked your posts. We hope you are enjoying Facebook."
   I only know 30 people...either the numbers are wrong or I have a stalker.

Elsewhere...
"James Patrick, you have memories with Kristi." (not her real name...her real name is Kristin. She lives at 436 South Cort ...)  *edit for privacy/ legal content*
 
   Thank you, Facebook, for digging up memories and slinging them toward my face this morning as that of an orangutan who hurls it's own shit at unsuspecting zoo visitors.  The woman who destroyed my human spirit and burned my house to the ground (with pets in it) seems to be doing splendid in rehab according to face fucking book...AND, it appears that we share 2 mutual friends online...splendid.
   My favorite question in the electronic shackled universe is:
"Hey, is it supposed to rain today?"
 This question typically spews from an individual holding $500-thousand dollars worth of communication devices, including an actual space satellite, a load of bandwidth which rival Chinese spies, a multi-lateral missile launch control and a Papa John's and "step counter" app.
   Speaking of our collective starving for information overload:
   Before the internet, each year, I was forced, without express written or verbal consent, to absorb numerous national employee satisfaction surveys (qualitative and quantitative) Then I was forced to conduct said surveys on my own staff of on-air talents (pronounced: highly paid crazy people) who never leave home without a fucking lawyer or agent.
    Because I'm a team player, I approached this directive with sincerity...feeling confident that I've angered God in some way.
   For employers on the never-ending quest to understand their employees, I'll save you some valuable time via spoiler alert on your "Indiana Jones and The Quest To Verify That Harrison Ford Has Finally Become Clinically Insane."
    The absolute number one virtue that employees crave isn't money...it's
Honesty and
A feeling of inclusion

Don't bother googling it...it's a fact.

   I am blessed and privileged to have worked with some of the most talented broadcasters and writers one could hope for. With that, as Mike, the editor, says, I've caused enough mischief on the blog platforms today.  But, in reality, I only point out the elephant in the room...so, keep up the good work out there.  You might just get a pay raise.

Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, February 23, 2018

The (next to) Last Samurai

I recently conducted research for an article that somehow required a quick visit to Craig's list. (for pending legal purposes surrounding a previous article I shall, painfully, avoid a Craig's list punch line here.)
   1989 Blue SUZUKI SAMURAI GREAT SHAPE!! $1200 obo. email or call 618-xxx-xxxx. Gerald. email anytime or call 5pm-10pm.

From: James Patrick
Greetings Gerald, I'm inquiring about the Samurai.
   I MUST have this truck for reasons which stretch far beyond Asian automobile manufacturers sending a strong message to Detroit by leading the way toward a sensible, fuel efficient, yet sporty, SUV which also didn't explode upon impact.
   My nostalgic memory of this vehicle stems from a whirlwind trip to America's paradise circa 1989...Hawaii.
   My buddy, Scott, rented one.  One evening during the visit he picked up a very attractive girl at our hotel bar and disappeared for a romantic visit to the North shore where he parked along the Waimea Cliffs on Oahu. Unaccustomed to driving a stick shift, he left it in neural and it rolled to the ledge-- plunging 150 feet onto giant boulders where it exploded in the Pacific ocean. While I wish that I were making this up, I'm not...but, I want your samurai!

From: Gerald
HOLY SHIT! THAT'S crazy! Is this seriously for real???
From: James Patrick
YES, seriously Gerald... Scott was actually with a GIRL...We all thought he was ambiguously gay. While WE were all fine with the possibility that he might not like girls, many people in society weren't as open minded as I or a handful of our coworkers. 1989 was a weird time.
   Anyway, we met up with this girl and her friend at the Outrigger hotel bar immediately after I brought about indescribable shame upon my family name by drinking a bunch of booze and singing a Black Crows song at karaoke night.
  Now that I think about it, I never saw his lady friend again after the Samurai incident...now I'm reeeeally concerned.  I've probably shared too much.
   Scott had to pay an exorbitant amount for the collision damage insurance via his Chase Visa card and the Japanese rental agents seemed quite unhappy with him, using what I believe to be curse words in their native language. We then flew back to the states (Hawaiians LOVE it when you say that btw.)
    Long story short, I'll give you $950 for the Samurai if it's still available.

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Take Out The Trash Day

It's time for the annual exhibition in spectacular laziness where we empty the disjointed writer storyboard box full of garbage that couldn't be used. You'll find these jewels cleverly scattered throughout this piece. Example: My deviant sex safe word is--
 "don't stop."
   I'm not sure what it is about the change of seasons but it seems to stretch far beyond a meteorological event. The world seems to come unhinged a bit more at springtime.
Semi-related, I have a nest of clinically insane songbirds singing and squatting outside my back door. I suppose I should view it as a celebration of life and new beginnings which prevents any hope of sleeping but, because I want to go to hell for the right reasons, I can't topple their nest and stomp them to death...no matter how loud they are.
   In other seasonal behavioral updates, I've been unfriended-- IN PERSON-- Eat a dick Facebook...and Russian hackers! Proof positive that I don't need a keyboard to lose friends.
   Someone recently asked (And I wish to God that I were making this up) if I had "unfriended" her on my ridiculously, horrible Facebook page. (for those who know me, insert hysterical laughter here.)
I equate this line of questioning to:
a) Do these shoes look okay?

b) So, which one of my friends would you sleep with if you had the chance?

c) You want a shot of peppermint schnapps?

d) Does this Mustang GT make my dick look bigger? etc.
   Elsewhere, according to a commercial, there seems to be a serious problem with regard to an apparent dire global crisis.

  In the company founder's own, solemn words:

"...The best ideas come from solving common problems. My problem, as with a lot of men...finding a shirt that looks good untucked, that's why I invented Untuckit."

CORRECT! That is precisely the topic which keeps me awake at night.
   Award winning writer, former broadcast colleague and professional hoarder, Amanda Port, has penned a brand new book, and it's quite funny.
From: Amanda
What should I title the book???  HELP!

From: James Patrick
Do a fun little game that I play and title it after whatever is in your car. In Amanda's case:
 
"A bunch of trash and a pair of high heels."

   However seasonal affective disorder finds you this springtime, remember this inspiring passage which aptly personifies new beginnings with each passing life chapter...
(insert some stupid, inspirational passage here)

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.