Monday, January 15, 2018

This Is Not A Drill...

One of my favorite culture designations is that we're a "microwave popcorn society." The term was coined to delineate a large segment of those who want everything right NOW. I use the microwave popcorn term to indicate that everyone in society is like that dick, Bradley, who burns microwave popcorn in the third floor break room after reheating his leftover fucking sea bass and Brussels sprouts.
   Nonetheless, we are a bit of a troublesome sort it seems-- right down to the Twitter account.
   Because there is a shortage of urgent items in the world to worry about, millions of Twitterverse folks (we'll just call them dildos) became distraught by being shackled within the horrifying confines of 140 characters. Because no one thought to send two tweets, the people have spoken...They demand 280 in one package!
   My first thought on this topic is that I personally wish to become a violent murder statistic. The bright side of lengthy tweets blowing in the wind presents a unique opportunity in using the additional 140 to retrospectively explain whatever you shitily attempted to express initially. I'm not even certain if shitily is a word because no one thought to ask Santa Claus for something more useful on Twitter, such as spellchecker (also not a real word.)
   It occurs to me that 140 characters seems to get people into enough trouble as it is--If you don't believe me, "follow" Miley Cyrus on Twitter.
   How can one cause more trouble armed with 280 characters you might wonder?  (Donald Trump doesn't count...too easy.) Since I'm a stable genius, let's take a look at 140 vs 280 and potential trouble therein...

"This is the emergency alert system serving Oahu and Honolulu county including surrounding islands, Kaua'i, Moloka'i, Maui niih'i and Hawai'i. Emergency updates and official instructions will follow on this feed via local radio, television and social media platforms. Incomi..." (begin Twitter character #141...here)
"...Incoming ballistic missile threat to Hawai'i IMMINENT. This is not a drill. A missile strike may impact land or sea in Hawai'i in minutes. Seek shelter immediately. This is NOT a drill. Repeat, this is not a dri..."

   I'd feel much more comfortable if the emergency alert system didn't run short on Twitter characters in order to confirm my imminent demise. I want to read about it as though it were a romantic comedy. But, then again, how many characters does one require within seconds before bursting into vaporized nuclear dust?

From: @James Patrick
" Hey @Amanda37: I'm at work, can you swing by my house? I think I left the oven on. thx."
   For those who counted the number of characters in these tweets...you clearly need to get laid.

Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

A BIGLY Year...

I watched a 12-minute 2017 retrospective on TV and it confirmed my deep desire for an extinction level asteroid event. On a cheerful note...
   At the end of each year my friends ask how I’d like to celebrate and each year I provide a practical answer-- assisted suicide, perhaps synced with a countdown hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
   With that, here's to "Fun Things I've Learned This Year."
1. We live a large portion of our lives online where algorithms have become as sophisticated as they have spooky in laser focused consumer targeting:
   "James, at Facebook we're always here to help.  We noticed that you just took a shit.  Would you like to check-in and let your friends know what's up with that shit?  As a helpful reminder, James, Wal-Mart has toilet paper on sale right now. The store is located .03 miles from your current location-- tap Google maps for more information."

2. I judge people who attend ANYTHING on “ice.” I.e. The Lion King, Toy Story, Disney, etc.
    I feel strongly that anything on “ice” is stupid. With the exception of vodka.
    I would consider going to see Platoon, Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas or Big Momma's House on ice.

3.Everyone seems to work very hard at their job (when Facebook goes down) in order to enjoy much more relaxing discretionary time to bitch about their job and/or form alliances to kill their co-workers while consuming $4-thousand dollars in alcohol at happy hour.

4. Drunk people who come into a bar and load the jukebox with $20-dollars in fucktard Shania Twain songs and then leave after only two of them have played are no better than terrorists.

5. I’m much too lazy to be belligerent.

6. We seem to officially have bigly tax cut legislation.

7. I'm still poor. BIGly.

8. Things which have been going on for 8-billion years in the workplace didn't seem to require an official company memo or action...oddly, until 2017.  Makes it very difficult to differentiate between (other than Matt Lauer) the behind the scenes dickheads in the workplace flowchart, don't you think?

9. I'm going through some sort of bizarre Tex-Mex and BLT food phase.

10. Mike Klein, my editor, still sucks.

11. Twitter raised it's character capacity to 280 which (and I wish that I were making this up) triggered a hyper heated debate amongst those who clearly need 5,768,347 characters to explain anything. Sad.

12. Asian countries remain at the 140 Twitter character boundary because (according to Twitter) nuance in Asian language allows less of a word canvas. Which means the Asians continue to outperform the U.S. Sad.

13. Numerous words and catchphrases dominated the 2017 verbal panorama...
Impeachment, complicit, deep state, collusion, Russian hacking, dilly dilly and holy shit...we're all going to die!

14. Bitcoin. I received a comprehensive tutorial from a friend who is smart about the world (meaning that he won't ever trust me to drive his car) and now Bitcoin perfectly makes even less sense. I strongly worry that Bitcoin is the next Soylent Green.  Don't say you weren't warned.

15. I’m still not a role model for children.

16. It appears that I'm not mature enough to use an electronic language translator.
    My friend and fellow media disaster,Todd, gave his 9-year old son a translator for Christmas this year.  I did what anyone would do...I translated dirty words.  Little did I know, this stupid thing stores all searches.
Not a problem as far as Todd was concerned-- His wife-- Melissa, on the other hand, had a slight problem with it.

For our Spanish students in the reading audience...

"Me duele el testículo izquierdo de su castigo"

Translates to:
"My left testicle aches for your punishment"

17. Todd's wife, Melissa, still hates me.

Yes indeed...another year has passed and I'm still very confused.

copyright Flat Earth Media, 2017 All Rights Reserved.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Robo Romeo

A friend of mine recently enlightened me about a product available via an advanced robotic sex doll company.  This is precisely the moment when I should have immediately faked a medical emergency.*
 *stupid legal team note: (we would publish the site name but I'm not interested in receiving another cease and desist decree associated with an article...or a sex doll company)
    For those who are unfamiliar,  quite realistic "Design your own robotic sex dolls" are available for about $6k...with jaw dropping detail.  Literally.
    As I recall, the first thing that came to mind was...It's time for me to find new friends.
    My buddy proudly demonstrated a "special" feature on this highly impressive site (Pronounced: It puts the lotion in the basket) where customers may choose a desired, uh, vagi..., uh, girl parts, um, really great body part associated with the third base part of a very good date night.  This is absolutely drenched with suspicion that my friend might, in fact, have dead bodies in his crawlspace.
    For the record, the sexbot was quite attractive-- and because of that, I immediately became so ashamed to the point that I wanted to kill myself.
   I'm kidding of course; I would never kill myself...the escalated crime rate in New Orleans will sort that out for me.
     I read a fascinating interview with the engineer who revolutionized this dwelling in his parents basement technology.  I also learned that he personally owns SEVERAL of the robot girls himself.  Robotic polygamy??? Utah...I'm looking to your general direction. Your prayers have finally been answered!
    While I have no doubt that robotic sex dolls fill an important societal void, more so than, say, cancer research, figuring out how to install my new deadbolt lock or how to keep the earth from spontaneously exploding, I'm concerned that robotics are taking over.  First McDonald's now the bedroom?
    Call me old fashioned but what's gonna happen to the girls who work tirelessly filling the void at those phone sex places that we see advertised at 4am?  These girls "stimulate" the economy--Making America Happy-ending Again-- I feel bad for them.
   Just remember, technology is costing jobs for these sexy young women like Leeza, Kylie, Kia, Sierra, Siena, Hundai and Ford F150.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2017. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, May 15, 2017

OMG...WTF. oh, ok

Spoiler alert: there are several inappropriate words contained within this article, such as: Michelob Ultra Amber, Fat Free Sour Cream, Olive Garden, Nancy Pelosi, Goddammit and txt abbreviations.
     When did we, as an intelligent society, begin speaking in social media/Smartphone textese?  (Donald Trump doesn't count)  SAD!
     Based on observation, here's how I visualize wedding vows being read ten years from now:

"O.M.G. ILY b/c ur my bff. Tnt I wnt u2 fmticws."
   
    English​ Lit professors globally are likely weeping.
   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll only translate​ a small portion from the above nuptial: "...Till I can't walk straight."  u figure out the rest.
   
    While waiting for the streetcar today I overheard a young woman on the phone talking with a friend who apparently is on holiday in Mexico...Which is Great Britain slang for vacation because the British always have to make up their own words.
    I suppose this girl's Mexico trip is smart timing    before the wall goes up-- resulting in a greatly lowered talent pool in Major League Baseball and everyone paying $570 per ounce for avocado, roma tomatoes and cocaine in the U.S .  
    Save your hate mail Sean Hannity fans...I'm not xenophobic...and I'm a big fan of expert drywall hanging and landscaping.
     Specifically, here's the one sided chit chat that caught my ear at the streetcar stop this morning:
    "Sooo...how is Mexico girl? I am soooo JEL...O.M.G!"
    First of all, anyone who consciously verbalizes "omg" should be immediately restricted from breathing air that's meant for important things...such as blowing leaves off my sidewalk.
    I truly tried to hold a stoic face while eavesdropping on this young woman's phone call but, I suspect that I wore a facial expression as that of a hostage release victim in North Korea after drinking piss and eating my own shit for 945 days.
    I'm not a grumpy man (meaning that I am) but I'm reasonably certain that (irl) we're not relegated to 140 characters when speaking...if wishing only made it so now that I think about it.
    At the risk of sounding like my late father, and I am NOT afraid of sounding like a functional alcoholic, I'm uneasy about young people speaking and behaving in today's breezy demeanor-- like they're auditioning for one of those late night commercials-- The Ads that air between rerun episodes of Cheers and Frasier, filled with young, half naked women with captioning that reads:

"Lonely? We will fu@k you tonight...and steal your identity.com" (coy giggles)
    Dad taught me the most important things as a kid...such as: "We can make it to the next exit in 300 miles without a restroom break."  He also taught me, at age 9 after a visit to the bar, "Your mother doesn't need to know about this." I'm fairly certain that I was a child abuse victim now that I think about it.
    With that, I strongly encourage you to pick one person on (ur frnd) list and make dinner and drink plans w/them...it might be nice to actually meet someone irl...before being "unfriended."

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2017. All Rights Reserved. LOL

Monday, April 3, 2017

As Seen On TV...

"As Seen On TV!!!"
    I love watching television. When I'm not watching tv I do what every normal person does...I read the phone book to relax.
    Actually, I believe everything I see on television...except The Weather Channel, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, HBO, anything that comes from Geraldo Rivera, Showtime, A&E, QVC, pay per view motel porn and, especially, Disney.
    After watching 70-days of news coverage I also do not believe Russia fixed the election...I feel strongly that the presidential election was hijacked by Alabama and several other rogue tank top shirt adorned states whose citizenry ignores sensible dietary recommendations-- Save your hate mail Tennessee, I'm neither a Clinton or Trump hater and I'm FROM Tennessee. Why? (you might ask)...I had no say so as to where I grew up.**

**notice how I totally dodged answering the political assertion?

    We've been noticeably quiet at Pontchartrain Press for the past four months so that we could effectively take in as much tv as possible-- which has taught me that Cialis is not right for me.
    Upon further research, I also feel reasonably certain that a reverse mortgage would not work as well for me as it might for a senior citizen who's economically forced to eat cat food.        
     Now that I think about it, a reverse mortgage might be effective for my 600 year-old neighbor, Mae,  so long as William DeVane is somewhere nearby so that we might shake him down for his gold and silver after she, ultimately, looses her house and is forced to become an octogenarian glory-hole oral/hand-job extraordinaire thanks to Tom Selleck and his predatory lending commercials. (All due respect to my dear Tennessee friend, Fred Thompson who previously held that pitch position.)
    I'm a big fan of Fox News primarily because my neighbor hates it.
 actually...again, I'm kidding...I only watch Fox News because I'm a HUGE FAN  of "My Pillow.Com." It changed my life...don't judge me.
    To be serious for a moment, I only watch Netflix, Hulu, the woman's bedroom window across the street and fetish porn; specifically, porn which involves television character Jack Bauer and music phenom, @JoeyFatone, so long as it involves auto-erotic asphyxiation and a pile of explosives attached to a detonator clock voiced by internet sensation, Alexa...while Arnold Schwarzenegger screams "GET TO THE CHOPPER."
    Speaking of normal  fetishes, Alexa sounds like a total condescending bitch but, in her defense, I'm typically drunk when I command her search engine prowess.

"Alexa how do I remove blood stains from my terracotta side porch?"
    To be honest, I really didn't learn much during my four month television binge hiatus and I continue to make questionable life decisions while holding little opinion about politics or the folks who cover the topic...
    I DO plan to enjoy baseball season and other things such as watching paint dry...but, it's a stress free life and it makes me smile.
    By the way, the UPS guy just delivered the "My Pillow."  As seen on TV.  zzzzzzzz!

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2017. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Erectio...uh...Election Coverage

...Our final installment of non-election/erection coverage by way of reader mail which, against my better judgement, includes personal responses from Eric Crowthers, from Philly. Enjoy.

    "I hope you two die a painful death."

From Eric:
As long as it happens soon, I'm down. I'm not sure how I'm going to come up with rent in two weeks.

    "You two are like Martin and Lewis" (clearly a senior citizen)

From Eric:
Jim is a rascal, I'm a curmudgeon. It seems only fitting that the only people who like us shit themselves.

    "Love the back and forth with Eric."

From Eric:
This person is clearly dull. That's why they have no back and forth of their own and have to live vicariously through ours.

    "How and why do I receive forwards of your articles???""

From Eric:
How?  There's this thing called the internet, mastermind. You used it to send this message.
Why? Because God hates you.

    "Is Eric single?"

From Eric:
April will mark the 10 year anniversary since my last relationship ended, but I don't do the sex anymore, slut bag, so dry off your nasty clam.

    "You two are crazy funny."

From Eric:
You have the vocabulary of a Kardashian, thus making your personality the physical manifestation of dry anal.

    "I think you and Eric should form a murder-suicide pact." *(my favorite)

From Eric:
Didn't Jim and I already do that?

    "Who are you guys voting for?"

From Eric:
Learn some fucking manners. Religion and politics should be kept private ... kinda like your uncle's favorite game that you played as a child.
PS - Whomever you're voting for, I'm voting for the other person.

   "I hate you two."

From Eric:
Get in line.

    "YOU GUYS ROCK!"

From Eric:
I'll bet you've been to every farewell tour KISS has performed in that little tampon box you call a town where you live, and still have a wardrobe that was purchased by Camel Cash in 1990.

    "I think Eric from Philly   should be dismembered and you should be beaten to death with his dismembered arm."

From Eric:
Again, I'm game as long as it's before the 1st of the month so I don't have to pay rent.

    "Are you two a same sex couple?"

From Eric:
Should you feel the need to take a break from licking the windows and drooling on your sweater, ask somebody to explain to you how geography works.

And, there you have it.  Our Pontchartrain Press series of non-Erection coverage concludes.  Join us for our new, lighthearted series titled:
 "The Apocalypse Can Be Fun."

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

A PRESspca Release

Pontchartrain Press
                 29 September 2016
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
PUBLISHING COMPANY ANNOUNCES MASSIVE FERRET OWNER REPARATION INITIATIVE & KEG PARTY

Santa Monica,CA-- It's been brought to the attention of Pontchartrain Press that one of our chatroom pranks (a ferret aficionado site) was ill received after it was shared by a few readers on a social media site. While we never in  a million years imagined to be writing the above statement-- this provides an excellent opportunity for us to drive the bus over Jim James Patrick.
    The article and prank in question was written and executed solely by James Patrick.
    We can't confirm that the following assertion is valid but his sole actions might also have caused a spike in inner city crime, a massive forrest fire, sparked Kim Kardashian to read a book and the devaluation of the Yen.
    This was never our intention. We, of course, do not want Kim to read a book.
    Rather than goofing on the ferret, we initially planned to pick on the Wildebeest but the crocodiles, lions and rich, murderous tourist poachers on the Serengeti plains beat us to the punch.
    Be that as it may, the Kardashians were too easy of a target so we chose the ferret.
    We're, for some reason, protecting the identities of the angry respondents so as not to alienate them more than they likely already do on their own accord.
    Since we're posting our apologies on several social media sites, it seemed appropriate to adopt a passive aggressive tone in our press release.
    Here's our promise--From this point forward a proactive policy has been activated at Pontchartrain Press so as to consciously conform to SERIOUS social media standards and issues which are deemed user-relevant by avoiding any form of comedic perspective.  We will provide and satisfy the high expectations which social media audiences have come to expect and appreciate...as follows:

-Incessantly send game invites

--mourning a gorilla such as many who also can't identify a single country on a blank African map

-Post 200-thousand pics of our dinner entrees

-A post or two here and there of a stupid vacation pic with a significant other so everyone can hit the lie...ooops...LIKE button

-A pic of the NEW significant other after the previous, doomed, relationship goes south

-a selfie of Jim in front of his Uncle Leonard's casket

A "Go Fund Me" link so that we might purchase a 72 inch television or a breast augmentation for Amanda Port

-An uninformed, drunken political rant at 1am
...and, an occasional "Click Amen and share to be blessed with wealth, become the royal leader of Zamindari or win the war on terror...whichever suits you best by clicking."
    While very few of us at Pontchartrain Press actually know Jim, we're fully prepared to describe him as "a quiet guy who kept to himself" should the authorities ever ask.
    In all seriousness, each Pontchartrain Press affiliate site exists to provide silliness...and solve crimes.
    We absolutely love all animals-- dogs, cats, the North American Wren, filet mignon, squirrels, whales, chicken (piccata), the endangered South American Peccary, Black Forest ham and, yes, the loveable ferret.
###
Additional press contact:
Noah

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

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