I've been reading all the fuss whirling around FaceBerg but the most interesting byproduct is that people are posting their imminent departure intentions from Facebook, ON FACEBOOK. This reinforces a long held feeling for something I've dreamed about for a long time-- that the out of control Chinese space station will crash onto my body-- followed by an extinction level event. *poke... smiley face.*
I think that, in his congressional testimony, Zuckerberg should answer the distinguished panel in emojis.
On a personal note, now is as good a time as any for Facebook to introduce the "eat a dick" button.
Before anyone rushes to crucify Facebook for facilitating info miners, I direct you to a larger problem...demon seed has been strewn for decades, spawning the birth of a generation of gullible idiots who share anything online-- including half naked pics of my 60 year old neighbor that still haunts my dreams, stupid live streaming vacation video while smart people are burglarizing your house and a society who
"unfriends" people via a fucking button? By the way...I still refuse to accept "unfriend" as an actual word.
Call me old fashioned, but I get unfriended just fine on my own...in person.
It's a well known fact that anything one types, posts or searches for on the web is available to anyone who holds capable skills to capture or hack it. (pronounced: your nine year old child) In my case, the NSA likely tracks me for numerous reasons-- such as Googling:
"Hot,Taliban Girl on Girl Action."
Don't judge me.
I'm a relatively satisfied Facebook user, as it often facilitates many helpful benefits, personally:
I receive passive aggressive comments from people that I hate anyway, I have friends who post photos of their kids and the occasional selfie someone snaps along with their dumb entree at some stupid, overpriced restaurant. I also receive numerous horrible friend suggestions and an intrusive, but entertaining, daily topic generator asking me to complete the sentence:
From: Facebook. "Hey Jim! Complete the sentence..."
"In the shower, I like to sing..."
From Jim:
"Rape Me."
Zuckerburg, who I affectionately refer to as the walking PB&J sandwich, with the crust trimmed, lost several billion dollars in stock value over this whole thing but I, on the other hand, made use just minutes ago, via his brilliant platform...
I logged off. Right after I played with a Facebook quiz that matches my personality with famous war criminals or my porn star name...i can't remember.
Regards,
Idi Adolf Von Monster Rod
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, March 26, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Rain, Sleet or something else stupid. It's Mail Time
We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite. USA!
In the meantime we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day; enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or blog site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as lying very still...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase...
"I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, since Donald Trump was elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept, sort of a cool hang without having to admit that it's a cool hang. Our signature drink will be called "My bad, you're dead."
The drink is a mixture of Rolling Rock and Tide Pods.
By the way, please lose my email address.
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
That's about it for the mail sack for now...
By the way, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018 All Rights Reserved
In the meantime we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day; enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or blog site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as lying very still...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase...
"I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, since Donald Trump was elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept, sort of a cool hang without having to admit that it's a cool hang. Our signature drink will be called "My bad, you're dead."
The drink is a mixture of Rolling Rock and Tide Pods.
By the way, please lose my email address.
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
That's about it for the mail sack for now...
By the way, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018 All Rights Reserved
Satisfaction (somewhat) Guaranteed
The voices in my head are reminiscent of those presented in the spectacular viral video short: "Charlie the Unicorn." For me, this winding stroll through life is boring at worst...delightfully weird at best and somewhere in the middle makes me want to jump into the rotor of a helicopter. Where to begin? Let's start with...
I finally have all of my social media access codes after nine years so now I can take full responsibility for any social media activity which, it seems, many people take more to heart than losing a loved one. At any rate, should I inadvertently offend anyone on social media, I will do the adult thing and passive aggressively blame Amanda Port, my colleague and human trainwreck/horrible guy magnet.
The first experience upon my solo dip into the tepid social media pool was:
"James Patrick, 10,000 people have liked your posts. We hope you are enjoying Facebook."
I only know 30 people...either the numbers are wrong or I have a stalker.
Elsewhere...
"James Patrick, you have memories with Kristi." (not her real name...her real name is Kristin. She lives at 436 South Cort ...) *edit for privacy/ legal content*
Thank you, Facebook, for digging up memories and slinging them toward my face this morning as that of an orangutan who hurls it's own shit at unsuspecting zoo visitors. The woman who destroyed my human spirit and burned my house to the ground (with pets in it) seems to be doing splendid in rehab according to face fucking book...AND, it appears that we share 2 mutual friends online...splendid.
My favorite question in the electronic shackled universe is:
"Hey, is it supposed to rain today?"
This question typically spews from an individual holding $500-thousand dollars worth of communication devices, including an actual space satellite, a load of bandwidth which rival Chinese spies, a multi-lateral missile launch control and a Papa John's and "step counter" app.
Speaking of our collective starving for information overload:
Before the internet, each year, I was forced, without express written or verbal consent, to absorb numerous national employee satisfaction surveys (qualitative and quantitative) Then I was forced to conduct said surveys on my own staff of on-air talents (pronounced: highly paid crazy people) who never leave home without a fucking lawyer or agent.
Because I'm a team player, I approached this directive with sincerity...feeling confident that I've angered God in some way.
For employers on the never-ending quest to understand their employees, I'll save you some valuable time via spoiler alert on your "Indiana Jones and The Quest To Verify That Harrison Ford Has Finally Become Clinically Insane."
The absolute number one virtue that employees crave isn't money...it's
Honesty and
A feeling of inclusion
Don't bother googling it...it's a fact.
I am blessed and privileged to have worked with some of the most talented broadcasters and writers one could hope for. With that, as Mike, the editor, says, I've caused enough mischief on the blog platforms today. But, in reality, I only point out the elephant in the room...so, keep up the good work out there. You might just get a pay raise.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
I finally have all of my social media access codes after nine years so now I can take full responsibility for any social media activity which, it seems, many people take more to heart than losing a loved one. At any rate, should I inadvertently offend anyone on social media, I will do the adult thing and passive aggressively blame Amanda Port, my colleague and human trainwreck/horrible guy magnet.
The first experience upon my solo dip into the tepid social media pool was:
"James Patrick, 10,000 people have liked your posts. We hope you are enjoying Facebook."
I only know 30 people...either the numbers are wrong or I have a stalker.
Elsewhere...
"James Patrick, you have memories with Kristi." (not her real name...her real name is Kristin. She lives at 436 South Cort ...) *edit for privacy/ legal content*
Thank you, Facebook, for digging up memories and slinging them toward my face this morning as that of an orangutan who hurls it's own shit at unsuspecting zoo visitors. The woman who destroyed my human spirit and burned my house to the ground (with pets in it) seems to be doing splendid in rehab according to face fucking book...AND, it appears that we share 2 mutual friends online...splendid.
My favorite question in the electronic shackled universe is:
"Hey, is it supposed to rain today?"
This question typically spews from an individual holding $500-thousand dollars worth of communication devices, including an actual space satellite, a load of bandwidth which rival Chinese spies, a multi-lateral missile launch control and a Papa John's and "step counter" app.
Speaking of our collective starving for information overload:
Before the internet, each year, I was forced, without express written or verbal consent, to absorb numerous national employee satisfaction surveys (qualitative and quantitative) Then I was forced to conduct said surveys on my own staff of on-air talents (pronounced: highly paid crazy people) who never leave home without a fucking lawyer or agent.
Because I'm a team player, I approached this directive with sincerity...feeling confident that I've angered God in some way.
For employers on the never-ending quest to understand their employees, I'll save you some valuable time via spoiler alert on your "Indiana Jones and The Quest To Verify That Harrison Ford Has Finally Become Clinically Insane."
The absolute number one virtue that employees crave isn't money...it's
Honesty and
A feeling of inclusion
Don't bother googling it...it's a fact.
I am blessed and privileged to have worked with some of the most talented broadcasters and writers one could hope for. With that, as Mike, the editor, says, I've caused enough mischief on the blog platforms today. But, in reality, I only point out the elephant in the room...so, keep up the good work out there. You might just get a pay raise.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
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