Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Satisfaction (somewhat) Guaranteed

The voices in my head are reminiscent of those presented in the spectacular viral video short: "Charlie the Unicorn."  For me, this winding stroll through life is boring at worst...delightfully weird at best and somewhere in the middle makes me want to jump into the rotor of a helicopter.  Where to begin?  Let's start with...
   I finally have all of my social media access codes after nine years so now I can take full responsibility for any social media activity which, it seems, many people take more to heart than losing a loved one.  At any rate, should I inadvertently offend anyone on social media, I will do the adult thing and passive aggressively blame Amanda Port, my colleague and human trainwreck/horrible guy magnet.
    The first experience upon my solo dip into the tepid social media pool was:
"James Patrick, 10,000 people have liked your posts. We hope you are enjoying Facebook."
   I only know 30 people...either the numbers are wrong or I have a stalker.

Elsewhere...
"James Patrick, you have memories with Kristi." (not her real name...her real name is Kristin. She lives at 436 South Cort ...)  *edit for privacy/ legal content*
 
   Thank you, Facebook, for digging up memories and slinging them toward my face this morning as that of an orangutan who hurls it's own shit at unsuspecting zoo visitors.  The woman who destroyed my human spirit and burned my house to the ground (with pets in it) seems to be doing splendid in rehab according to face fucking book...AND, it appears that we share 2 mutual friends online...splendid.
   My favorite question in the electronic shackled universe is:
"Hey, is it supposed to rain today?"
 This question typically spews from an individual holding $500-thousand dollars worth of communication devices, including an actual space satellite, a load of bandwidth which rival Chinese spies, a multi-lateral missile launch control and a Papa John's and "step counter" app.
   Speaking of our collective starving for information overload:
   Before the internet, each year, I was forced, without express written or verbal consent, to absorb numerous national employee satisfaction surveys (qualitative and quantitative) Then I was forced to conduct said surveys on my own staff of on-air talents (pronounced: highly paid crazy people) who never leave home without a fucking lawyer or agent.
    Because I'm a team player, I approached this directive with sincerity...feeling confident that I've angered God in some way.
   For employers on the never-ending quest to understand their employees, I'll save you some valuable time via spoiler alert on your "Indiana Jones and The Quest To Verify That Harrison Ford Has Finally Become Clinically Insane."
    The absolute number one virtue that employees crave isn't money...it's
Honesty and
A feeling of inclusion

Don't bother googling it...it's a fact.

   I am blessed and privileged to have worked with some of the most talented broadcasters and writers one could hope for. With that, as Mike, the editor, says, I've caused enough mischief on the blog platforms today.  But, in reality, I only point out the elephant in the room...so, keep up the good work out there.  You might just get a pay raise.

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