I recently conducted research for an article that somehow required a quick visit to Craig's list. (for pending legal purposes surrounding a previous article I shall, painfully, avoid a Craig's list punch line here.)
1989 Blue SUZUKI SAMURAI GREAT SHAPE!! $1200 obo. email or call 618-xxx-xxxx. Gerald. email anytime or call 5pm-10pm.
From: James Patrick
Greetings Gerald, I'm inquiring about the Samurai.
I MUST have this truck for reasons which stretch far beyond Asian automobile manufacturers sending a strong message to Detroit by leading the way toward a sensible, fuel efficient, yet sporty, SUV which also didn't explode upon impact.
My nostalgic memory of this vehicle stems from a whirlwind trip to America's paradise circa 1989...Hawaii.
My buddy, Scott, rented one. One evening during the visit he picked up a very attractive girl at our hotel bar and disappeared for a romantic visit to the North shore where he parked along the Waimea Cliffs on Oahu. Unaccustomed to driving a stick shift, he left it in neural and it rolled to the ledge-- plunging 150 feet onto giant boulders where it exploded in the Pacific ocean. While I wish that I were making this up, I'm not...but, I want your samurai!
From: Gerald
HOLY SHIT! THAT'S crazy! Is this seriously for real???
From: James Patrick
YES, seriously Gerald... Scott was actually with a GIRL...We all thought he was ambiguously gay. While WE were all fine with the possibility that he might not like girls, many people in society weren't as open minded as I or a handful of our coworkers. 1989 was a weird time.
Anyway, we met up with this girl and her friend at the Outrigger hotel bar immediately after I brought about indescribable shame upon my family name by drinking a bunch of booze and singing a Black Crows song at karaoke night.
Now that I think about it, I never saw his lady friend again after the Samurai incident...now I'm reeeeally concerned. I've probably shared too much.
Scott had to pay an exorbitant amount for the collision damage insurance via his Chase Visa card and the Japanese rental agents seemed quite unhappy with him, using what I believe to be curse words in their native language. We then flew back to the states (Hawaiians LOVE it when you say that btw.)
Long story short, I'll give you $950 for the Samurai if it's still available.
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Take Out The Trash Day
It's time for the annual exhibition in spectacular laziness where we empty the disjointed writer storyboard box full of garbage that couldn't be used. You'll find these jewels cleverly scattered throughout this piece. Example: My deviant sex safe word is--
"don't stop."
I'm not sure what it is about the change of seasons but it seems to stretch far beyond a meteorological event. The world seems to come unhinged a bit more at springtime.
Semi-related, I have a nest of clinically insane songbirds singing and squatting outside my back door. I suppose I should view it as a celebration of life and new beginnings which prevents any hope of sleeping but, because I want to go to hell for the right reasons, I can't topple their nest and stomp them to death...no matter how loud they are.
In other seasonal behavioral updates, I've been unfriended-- IN PERSON-- Eat a dick Facebook...and Russian hackers! Proof positive that I don't need a keyboard to lose friends.
Someone recently asked (And I wish to God that I were making this up) if I had "unfriended" her on my ridiculously, horrible Facebook page. (for those who know me, insert hysterical laughter here.)
I equate this line of questioning to:
a) Do these shoes look okay?
b) So, which one of my friends would you sleep with if you had the chance?
c) You want a shot of peppermint schnapps?
d) Does this Mustang GT make my dick look bigger? etc.
Elsewhere, according to a commercial, there seems to be a serious problem with regard to an apparent dire global crisis.
In the company founder's own, solemn words:
"...The best ideas come from solving common problems. My problem, as with a lot of men...finding a shirt that looks good untucked, that's why I invented Untuckit."
CORRECT! That is precisely the topic which keeps me awake at night.
Award winning writer, former broadcast colleague and professional hoarder, Amanda Port, has penned a brand new book, and it's quite funny.
From: Amanda
What should I title the book??? HELP!
From: James Patrick
Do a fun little game that I play and title it after whatever is in your car. In Amanda's case:
"A bunch of trash and a pair of high heels."
However seasonal affective disorder finds you this springtime, remember this inspiring passage which aptly personifies new beginnings with each passing life chapter...
(insert some stupid, inspirational passage here)
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
"don't stop."
I'm not sure what it is about the change of seasons but it seems to stretch far beyond a meteorological event. The world seems to come unhinged a bit more at springtime.
Semi-related, I have a nest of clinically insane songbirds singing and squatting outside my back door. I suppose I should view it as a celebration of life and new beginnings which prevents any hope of sleeping but, because I want to go to hell for the right reasons, I can't topple their nest and stomp them to death...no matter how loud they are.
In other seasonal behavioral updates, I've been unfriended-- IN PERSON-- Eat a dick Facebook...and Russian hackers! Proof positive that I don't need a keyboard to lose friends.
Someone recently asked (And I wish to God that I were making this up) if I had "unfriended" her on my ridiculously, horrible Facebook page. (for those who know me, insert hysterical laughter here.)
I equate this line of questioning to:
a) Do these shoes look okay?
b) So, which one of my friends would you sleep with if you had the chance?
c) You want a shot of peppermint schnapps?
d) Does this Mustang GT make my dick look bigger? etc.
Elsewhere, according to a commercial, there seems to be a serious problem with regard to an apparent dire global crisis.
In the company founder's own, solemn words:
"...The best ideas come from solving common problems. My problem, as with a lot of men...finding a shirt that looks good untucked, that's why I invented Untuckit."
CORRECT! That is precisely the topic which keeps me awake at night.
Award winning writer, former broadcast colleague and professional hoarder, Amanda Port, has penned a brand new book, and it's quite funny.
From: Amanda
What should I title the book??? HELP!
From: James Patrick
Do a fun little game that I play and title it after whatever is in your car. In Amanda's case:
"A bunch of trash and a pair of high heels."
However seasonal affective disorder finds you this springtime, remember this inspiring passage which aptly personifies new beginnings with each passing life chapter...
(insert some stupid, inspirational passage here)
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
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