It's time for the annual exhibition in spectacular laziness where we empty the disjointed writer storyboard box full of garbage that couldn't be used. You'll find these jewels cleverly scattered throughout this piece. Example: My deviant sex safe word is--
"don't stop."
I'm not sure what it is about the change of seasons but it seems to stretch far beyond a meteorological event. The world seems to come unhinged a bit more at springtime.
Semi-related, I have a nest of clinically insane songbirds singing and squatting outside my back door. I suppose I should view it as a celebration of life and new beginnings which prevents any hope of sleeping but, because I want to go to hell for the right reasons, I can't topple their nest and stomp them to death...no matter how loud they are.
In other seasonal behavioral updates, I've been unfriended-- IN PERSON-- Eat a dick Facebook...and Russian hackers! Proof positive that I don't need a keyboard to lose friends.
Someone recently asked (And I wish to God that I were making this up) if I had "unfriended" her on my ridiculously, horrible Facebook page. (for those who know me, insert hysterical laughter here.)
I equate this line of questioning to:
a) Do these shoes look okay?
b) So, which one of my friends would you sleep with if you had the chance?
c) You want a shot of peppermint schnapps?
d) Does this Mustang GT make my dick look bigger? etc.
Elsewhere, according to a commercial, there seems to be a serious problem with regard to an apparent dire global crisis.
In the company founder's own, solemn words:
"...The best ideas come from solving common problems. My problem, as with a lot of men...finding a shirt that looks good untucked, that's why I invented Untuckit."
CORRECT! That is precisely the topic which keeps me awake at night.
Award winning writer, former broadcast colleague and professional hoarder, Amanda Port, has penned a brand new book, and it's quite funny.
From: Amanda
What should I title the book??? HELP!
From: James Patrick
Do a fun little game that I play and title it after whatever is in your car. In Amanda's case:
"A bunch of trash and a pair of high heels."
However seasonal affective disorder finds you this springtime, remember this inspiring passage which aptly personifies new beginnings with each passing life chapter...
(insert some stupid, inspirational passage here)
copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
