Before anyone jumps to conclusions and accuses me of shamefully fishing for birthday sentiments, you couldn’t be more incorrect.
I have no shame…and I’m not fishing. I don’t even like to fish. For that matter, I’m scared of fish.
My friend, Amanda, feels strongly that it has something to do with some fishing trips that my creepy Uncle Leonard took me and my cousin on when we were age 12.
He assured us that we’d catch more fish if we took off our pants. I'm not sure how taking one’s pants off helps-- I never seemed to catch any fish.
Uncle Leonard always seemed to have fun on those trips though; he'd sit there quietly in the boat with this strange smile plastered across his face.
My dad paid Uncle Leonard a visit shortly after learning of the fishing expeditions and I never saw Uncle Leonard again for some reason.
Each year my friends ask what I’d like for my birthday and I give them the same answer every time.
I want what every reasonable person wants…
- World peace
- Global economic stability
- Better schools for our children
- A pizza
- Better wages for our teachers, firefighters and police
- Naked photos of Jessica Alba
- To see a day when all deadly diseases are eradicated
- Naked photos of my neighbor Alicia
The wish list goes on.
In keeping with tradition, it’s time for my annual little story, titled:
“Things I’ve Learned.”
Also known as…
“Why I Wish An Errant Meteor Would Smash Me To Pieces.”
So...Here we go:
1. I judge people who attend ANYTHING on “ice.” i.e. The Lion King, Toy Story, Disney, etc.
I feel strongly that anything on “ice” is stupid. With the exception of vodka.**
**I would consider going to see Platoon, Friday The 13th or Big Momma's House on ice.
2. According to my good friend Nicholas, a sure-fire way to assure that one’s evening will NOT favorably advance toward sexual relations is to make the following assertion:
Girl: My ex-boyfriend was such a jerk. He thought highly of himself too.
Nicholas: That sucks.
Girl: Yeah, and he sucked in bed! I don’t know what he was so proud of…plus he had a tiny pee pee. (extending her pinkie finger for illustrative purposes)
Nicholas: Guys who brag about it are usually nothing to write home about. I don’t brag.
Girl: So, how bout' you? IS there anything to brag about? Just curious.
Nicholas: My manhood is long, but unimpressive…sort of like Canada.”**
**Note: In the interest of preserving his dignity and anonymity, his real name is NOT Nicholas. It’s Nick.
3. While the color and consistency of water and vodka are the same, vodka will NOT extinguish a grease fire in a kitchen. And, it will result in losing one’s job.
4. Drunk people who come into a bar and load the jukebox with $20-dollars in sh*tty songs and then leave after only two of them have played are no better than terrorists.
5. There is no greater free entertainment value than that of observing “Springer” moments on social network sites.
Whew! FINALLY home after a very long, but fun, nite!
Posted 6minutes ago
Sure is pretty late.
Posted 1minute ago
Really none of ya' bizness Chad.
Posted 1minute ago
FYI, I've heard that only whores stay out past 3am.
Posted 2minutes ago
Yeah?? I heard that only pervs sit up all nite looking at tranny porn sites. Speaking of girls who look like men, tell your new GF Ashley hello.
Posted 1minute ago
· ·Jeremy and 1 other person likes this
Why don't you inform your new BF Jeremy why he should wear a condom at ALL times with you?
posted 2minutes ago
· · Ashley likes this
Go to hell!!!
posted 1minute ago
I've been there, thank you very much. Thankfully, I wore a condom. Cheers!
· · 12 people like this
6. I’m much too lazy to be belligerent.
7. There’s a reason why Super Cuts only charges $10 for a haircut.
8. Nickelback still sucks.
9. Two “wrongs” do NOT make a “right.” Unless it involves a 3-way sexual encounter.
10. Never, EVER, let the cell phone store take your cell phone to the back room to work on it until you've deleted all pornographic photos from the graphics folder.
You WILL receive judgmental stares and snickers from the technician, the sales reps and the cashier.**
**Note: See item #9
11. While I’m neutral on the topic, 500+ economists, including the entire Harvard University staff of economic studies, call for a marijuana regulation debate; new report projects $10-14 billion annual revenues to U.S. economy.**
**Figures do not include projected Tony’s pizza or Taco Bell sales
12. Mike, the editor, still sucks.
13. There, apparently, is still no safe cigarette. I suppose that the new, ominously frightening fuchsia, silver and teal packages will definitely scare smokers into quitting…according to a multi-billion dollar government study.
I always purchase the cigarette which touts the following:
“May complicate pregnancy.”
Since I do not plan on becoming pregnant, I feel that these are the safest cigarettes for me.
14. Some girl named Suzanne, apparently, provides above average skills in the area of oral stimulus**
**According to the dispatch that I just read on the men's room wall
15. When a woman asks:
Is something wrong?
The answer is always NO. Unless you're particularly in the mood for a 1-hour conversation, peppered with no fewer than 2-thousand questions, which will inevitably ensue...causing you to bleed from the ears.
16. You haven't really lived until you witness a crackhead sing karaoke.
17. While the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself) serves as a solid and successful cornerstone for most, it has proven to be unsatisfying to me.
The things I want done unto me costs money...and is frowned upon by most law enforcement agencies.
18. I’m still not a role model for children.
19. It appears that I'm not mature enough to use an electronic language translator.
My writer friend, Todd, gave his 9-year old son a translator for Christmas last year. I did what anyone would do...I translated dirty words. Little did I know, this stupid thing stores all translated searches.
Not a problem as far as Todd was concerned; His wife Melissa, on the other hand, had a slight problem with it.
For our aspiring Spanish students in the reading audience...
"Me duele el testículo izquierdo de su castigo"
"My left testicle aches for your punishment"
And so, we add a final item to the "Things I've Learned" list
20. Todd's wife, Melissa, still hates me.
Yes indeed...another year has passed. I'm tired.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2011