Friday, January 29, 2016

Jesus Loves Samuel Jackson

Time to cleanse the dirty sins with some help from my newfound (on-line) evangelical friends.  Here's my (quiet) entry to the chatroom...
    User: Jim Patrick has logged in: Who wants to see a Dick pic?

Kimmi: What???

Jim: My dad's best friend, Dick (and, I'm not making his name up) Weisihinkle.  We took him for early dinner to Golden Corral.  He's old and, clearly, doesn't place any level of priority on food quality so long as it's served by 4pm.

Kimmi: LOL.

Matt Moderator: Is this for real?

Jim: Yep, Golden Corral is, oddly, real, according to Jeff Foxworthy.
   So is Dick-- he looks like a storybook character now that I think about it.  I believe that the proper German pronunciation of "W" in Weisihinkle is phonetically with a "V"  If it were me I'd just pronounce it Jones. I included Dick in the first book I ever wrote.

Kimmi: About what?

Jim: Applied Mathematics-- it's a southern home cooking recipe book.

Jared28: Lol...I'd like a copy.

Jim: Sure thing Jared28.  May I call you 28? I'm lazy and don't feel like lobbing a stale Subway/pedophile joke toward you.

Jared28: 28 is cool.

Jim: Since we all seem to be losing at life on a perfectly good Friday night while most people are engaged in normal activities such as drinking, smoking, using drugs, fornicating and general fun stuff, I'm on the Jesus chat room.

Matt Moderator: I wouldn't say most ppl.

Jim: You're correct, just the four of us; I'd be one of the fun majority if it weren't for this pesky head cold...except for the drug use. I don't want to anger Nancy Reagan.

Kimmi: Why are YOU here on a Friday night?

Jim: I'm assisting a young neighbor/friend with a paper and I figured an evangelical site might be of value in my research.

Matt Moderator: On what?

Jim: Connotations/evolution of English language dirty words vs Christian belief regarding their sinful designation.

Jared28: Which words?

Jim: I'll be as delicate as possible, specifically: fuck, cock, shit, cockhead, tittie, motherfucker, douche canoe, shitbag, cunt, tittie monster and, my personal favorite, eat a bowl of shit, you douche canoe cockhead tittie monster cock mother fucking fuck.  Sorry for not appropriately using hyphens. I also avoided using the C word twice because it generally causes women to hate me much more than they already do.

Kimmi: uh...

Matt Moderator: What is your neighbor majoring in???

Jim: By all evidence, sleeping and drinking Diet Coke.  She's in the 6th grade.

Jared28: WHAT???

Matt Moderator: Read the book of Ephesians.

Jim: The Bible scares me-- I'm a militant conservationist and often ponder how Noah returned polar bears back from central Turkey to the North Pole, etc.  That book of the bible seems incomplete-- much like the conclusion of each episode of The Blacklist.

Kimmi: Yur crazy, but that made me laugh.  The only thing mentioned in the bible is taking God's name in vain..that's a sin.

Jim: As I recall, Kimmi, my dad often violated the third commandment as it relates to my inexperience in properly holding a flashlight.

Jared28: any curse or negative voice toward man is sinful.

Jim Patrick: Samuel Jackson is definitely screwed.  The words I listed are all man made.

Matt Moderator: And God created man.

Jim Patrick: And man created the 72" plasma display television; perhaps if man does more good, (and, trust me, 72" tv's are great) it evens out or am I missing something here?

Kimmi: I think as long as you don't use those words in a hateful way it's all good.

Jim Patrick: Then I'm safe, I just use them recreationally.  Whew.

Jared28: We'll find out when Jesus returns.

Jim: When?

Matt Moderator: Amen Jared.  And no one knows when.

Jim: I believe that's because he was a independent contractor.  No one EVER knows when contractors will return.

Kimmi: HA

Jim: I think you meant HAllelujah.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Mardi Blah, Blah, Blah

For those outside of New Orleans, a brief reader mail which somehow makes Mike Klein, the editing machine, nervous...relax.
Dear Jim,
    I see a ton of Happy 12th Night posts. Why is it a big deal in New Orleans??
Melanie, Indianapolis
Greetings Melanie,
Legend has it that if Christmas Day is the first of the twelve days, then the North Koreans test a hydrogen bomb.
   Traditionally 12th Night, for one, marks the last day that we're subjected to the most annoying holiday song since "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."
    It's a festival in some branches of Christianity marking the coming of the Epiphany. For me, personally, my Epiphany materialized when I accepted the fact that Craig, my neighbor, is clinically insane.
    For devout Christians it refers to the day when the nativity story tells us that the wise men visited the infant Jesus in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  It turned out that they were not so wise after all as they over packed, directly resulting in enormous baggage fees from the airline.  So, they dropped off some luggage on their way to a Grateful Dead concert.
    The English call it Christmastide because they're NEVER satisfied unless THEY create a word. The variation extends even to the issue of how to count the days.
    In New Orleans it's easy, as no one knows what day it is since most of its citizenry are drunk until Mardi Gras day.
    Hopefully this information is helpful.  And, for those who might lob a blasphemy charge in my direction, I assure you that I'm likely going to Hell for numerous reasons, none of which are associated with this writing.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved

Friday, January 1, 2016

Another Year In The Can...

I rarely write about New Orleans in general. But, with the assault of sappy year-end retrospectives, I couldn't resist. I'm hoping that Anderson Cooper or Carson Daily might host the TV version. Here's a glance at 2015...
    In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
    February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
    The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again.  We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence.  He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo.  (Murder rate hits 45)
    April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven.  Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton.  (Murder rate hits 57)
    May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single.  The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday).  Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo.  (Murder rate hits 73)
    June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted.  Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts.  Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies.  (Murder rate hits 92)
    Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans.  Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi.  A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
    The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.)  Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa.  New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest.  (Murder rate hits 120)
    September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy.   In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension.  The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas.  (Murder rate climbs to 131)
    Tricks for's October!  Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen.  Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette.  Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge.  (Murder rate hits 146)
    November leftovers anyone?  Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders.  Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.  
    HoHoHO!  According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids.  Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins.  Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown.  (Murder rate hits 164)

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015 All Rights Reserved