It's Super Bowl time and you know what that means? Correct! Carson Daly gets extra segment time dedicated to Super Bowl commercial previews on the Today Show.
For years, after every show, I endured post-production which included about an hour and a half dedicated to doing sponsor commercial voice over work...Which was fine, except for the car dealer spots. I really dislike car dealerships.
I once became so bored with voicing these commercials, which cleverly invited folks to become anal rape victims-- with zero down and $299 per month-- that I actually recorded a ridiculous, vulgar commercial stating as much. I played it for the auto dealer who not only laughed at my produced joke, but agreed! Buyer beware.
Even though we tend to relegate commercials as a bathroom break, never underestimate the power of advertising-- Effective advertising-- specifically in our fast paced environment.
"ba da dah dah dah."
McDonald's only requires 1.9 seconds to subliminally remind you to make deadly, but tasty, dietary decisions.
Truths, or illusions, in advertising have long fascinated me. For instance, "dilly dilly" is brilliantly synonymous with liver disease...and an excuse to kill anyone who utters it at your backyard barbeque.
Then, there's advertising vagueness. I saw my 400,000,000,000,000th My Pillow.com testimonial on the inexplicable Fox/MsnbCNN Headline News Network where Mike Lindell asked a sleep deprived guy:
"...What's better than a great night s sleep?"
If I'm gonna be honest? A decent blowjob?
Babel Tutorial is continuing God's work via self-help commercials which will teach you how to say:
"Please, don't kill me and leave me in this desert to be eaten by vultures (and) where is the restroom?" in 47 languages.
As an important research item for the development department at Babel...it doesn't end very well for those folks in Babel as biblical history dictates.
I had fun in the sponsorship enslavement on-air broadcast world and, seriously, wouldn't trade the experience for anything...except for zero down, zero percent financing, a date with the car dealer's daughter in the commercial and a shitty auto trade-in allowance.
With that, I leave you with (and, I'm not making this up) a word from
Bell and Howell TAC sunglasses...
"...ordinary glasses only darken the view, putting you in a detrimental situation during a tactical situation."
What could possibly happen which involves the Taliban, ISIS or military operation while I'm mowing my front lawn???
copyright, Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
The Eff-CC
I have an odd, intimate experience with the FCC-- one that afforded me to get drunk in D.C. on several occasions-- times that I will cherish eternally.
Among many important issues that the FCC deals with in order to fight, terrorists, the zombie apocalypse and protect your life from dirty words is to require that FX, TBS or TNT overdub (I wish that I were making this up)
"Yippee Ki Yay Mr Falcon Shirt"
in the censored version of Die Hard. Now, this...
A Federal panel assembled for weeks of deliberation and ruled that (and I also wish that I were making this up) the FCC may no longer sling steep fines at broadcasters for a vulgar word "slip" by any of its on-air guests-- specifically, rules have been relaxed for live broadcasts only --sorry Goodfellas fans, you filthy motherfu...
That's right, use of the 'f-word,' or as I like to call it: Fuck-- according to the FCC--meets only "vulgar" benchmarks but doesn't reach the crucifixion worthy designation of "obscene."
Obscene content is defined as "material contrary to common, accepted prurient community standard"-- thus still garners steep fines.
Since the word "prurient," apparently, didn't wash overboard on the Mayflower, Miles Standish and Jerry Falwell accept use of the f-word without FCC fines. Connotation of the "f-word" is now considered, by the expert panel, as "an expression of frustration," rather than sexual in nature-- thus no actionable fines. That must have been an extremely entertaining meeting.
Acceptable:
Reporter: What's your reaction to the park being closed after the latest government shutdown?"
Random guy: Fuck me!
*note: if the interviewee had replied with WTF, still no fine but I would fucking stab him for verbalizing w.t.f.
Now, for an example of encroachment upon prurient standard:
FCC abolishment of Net Neutrality will fuck you long an hard like Carlos did in your grandfather's boathouse on that steamy July afternoon in the summer of your aching, vulnerable youth while you wait forever to login from your shitty T-MOBILE data plan because it doesn't qualify for the internet fast lane.
Because I'm an overachiever, I violated TWO prurient standards there. (three if you include T-MOBILE)
When reached for comment, church leaders called the FCC ruling on loosening broadcast standards "Fucking Bullshit."
copyright, Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Among many important issues that the FCC deals with in order to fight, terrorists, the zombie apocalypse and protect your life from dirty words is to require that FX, TBS or TNT overdub (I wish that I were making this up)
"Yippee Ki Yay Mr Falcon Shirt"
in the censored version of Die Hard. Now, this...
A Federal panel assembled for weeks of deliberation and ruled that (and I also wish that I were making this up) the FCC may no longer sling steep fines at broadcasters for a vulgar word "slip" by any of its on-air guests-- specifically, rules have been relaxed for live broadcasts only --sorry Goodfellas fans, you filthy motherfu...
That's right, use of the 'f-word,' or as I like to call it: Fuck-- according to the FCC--meets only "vulgar" benchmarks but doesn't reach the crucifixion worthy designation of "obscene."
Obscene content is defined as "material contrary to common, accepted prurient community standard"-- thus still garners steep fines.
Since the word "prurient," apparently, didn't wash overboard on the Mayflower, Miles Standish and Jerry Falwell accept use of the f-word without FCC fines. Connotation of the "f-word" is now considered, by the expert panel, as "an expression of frustration," rather than sexual in nature-- thus no actionable fines. That must have been an extremely entertaining meeting.
Acceptable:
Reporter: What's your reaction to the park being closed after the latest government shutdown?"
Random guy: Fuck me!
*note: if the interviewee had replied with WTF, still no fine but I would fucking stab him for verbalizing w.t.f.
Now, for an example of encroachment upon prurient standard:
FCC abolishment of Net Neutrality will fuck you long an hard like Carlos did in your grandfather's boathouse on that steamy July afternoon in the summer of your aching, vulnerable youth while you wait forever to login from your shitty T-MOBILE data plan because it doesn't qualify for the internet fast lane.
Because I'm an overachiever, I violated TWO prurient standards there. (three if you include T-MOBILE)
When reached for comment, church leaders called the FCC ruling on loosening broadcast standards "Fucking Bullshit."
copyright, Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, January 15, 2018
This Is Not A Drill...
One of my favorite culture designations is that we're a "microwave popcorn society." The term was coined to delineate a large segment of those who want everything right NOW. I use the microwave popcorn term to indicate that everyone in society is like that dick, Bradley, who burns microwave popcorn in the third floor break room after reheating his leftover fucking sea bass and Brussels sprouts.
Nonetheless, we are a bit of a troublesome sort it seems-- right down to the Twitter account.
Because there is a shortage of urgent items in the world to worry about, millions of Twitterverse folks (we'll just call them dildos) became distraught by being shackled within the horrifying confines of 140 characters. Because no one thought to send two tweets, the people have spoken...They demand 280 in one package!
My first thought on this topic is that I personally wish to become a violent murder statistic. The bright side of lengthy tweets blowing in the wind presents a unique opportunity in using the additional 140 to retrospectively explain whatever you shitily attempted to express initially. I'm not even certain if shitily is a word because no one thought to ask Santa Claus for something more useful on Twitter, such as spellchecker (also not a real word.)
It occurs to me that 140 characters seems to get people into enough trouble as it is--If you don't believe me, "follow" Miley Cyrus on Twitter.
How can one cause more trouble armed with 280 characters you might wonder? (Donald Trump doesn't count...too easy.) Since I'm a stable genius, let's take a look at 140 vs 280 and potential trouble therein...
"This is the emergency alert system serving Oahu and Honolulu county including surrounding islands, Kaua'i, Moloka'i, Maui niih'i and Hawai'i. Emergency updates and official instructions will follow on this feed via local radio, television and social media platforms. Incomi..." (begin Twitter character #141...here)
"...Incoming ballistic missile threat to Hawai'i IMMINENT. This is not a drill. A missile strike may impact land or sea in Hawai'i in minutes. Seek shelter immediately. This is NOT a drill. Repeat, this is not a dri..."
I'd feel much more comfortable if the emergency alert system didn't run short on Twitter characters in order to confirm my imminent demise. I want to read about it as though it were a romantic comedy. But, then again, how many characters does one require within seconds before bursting into vaporized nuclear dust?
From: @James Patrick
" Hey @Amanda37: I'm at work, can you swing by my house? I think I left the oven on. thx."
For those who counted the number of characters in these tweets...you clearly need to get laid.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
Nonetheless, we are a bit of a troublesome sort it seems-- right down to the Twitter account.
Because there is a shortage of urgent items in the world to worry about, millions of Twitterverse folks (we'll just call them dildos) became distraught by being shackled within the horrifying confines of 140 characters. Because no one thought to send two tweets, the people have spoken...They demand 280 in one package!
My first thought on this topic is that I personally wish to become a violent murder statistic. The bright side of lengthy tweets blowing in the wind presents a unique opportunity in using the additional 140 to retrospectively explain whatever you shitily attempted to express initially. I'm not even certain if shitily is a word because no one thought to ask Santa Claus for something more useful on Twitter, such as spellchecker (also not a real word.)
It occurs to me that 140 characters seems to get people into enough trouble as it is--If you don't believe me, "follow" Miley Cyrus on Twitter.
How can one cause more trouble armed with 280 characters you might wonder? (Donald Trump doesn't count...too easy.) Since I'm a stable genius, let's take a look at 140 vs 280 and potential trouble therein...
"This is the emergency alert system serving Oahu and Honolulu county including surrounding islands, Kaua'i, Moloka'i, Maui niih'i and Hawai'i. Emergency updates and official instructions will follow on this feed via local radio, television and social media platforms. Incomi..." (begin Twitter character #141...here)
"...Incoming ballistic missile threat to Hawai'i IMMINENT. This is not a drill. A missile strike may impact land or sea in Hawai'i in minutes. Seek shelter immediately. This is NOT a drill. Repeat, this is not a dri..."
I'd feel much more comfortable if the emergency alert system didn't run short on Twitter characters in order to confirm my imminent demise. I want to read about it as though it were a romantic comedy. But, then again, how many characters does one require within seconds before bursting into vaporized nuclear dust?
From: @James Patrick
" Hey @Amanda37: I'm at work, can you swing by my house? I think I left the oven on. thx."
For those who counted the number of characters in these tweets...you clearly need to get laid.
Copyright Flat Earth Media, 2018. All Rights Reserved.
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